Exciting Times

[Fallenfromgrace]

It's not that I don't want to be, I'm assuming the fact that we went through a civil partnership ceremony, attended by my sons, Min's parents, Lucky, Vella, Becca, Zade and various anonymous friends, and that they (my parents), have a picture of us at our wedding, standing on the table with the rest of the family wedding photos, that saying anything would be superfluous.

Ahh, yes, that would make it a moot point, and an even more redundant q on my part...

Now I am the freak.

I'm the same person now that I was then...I just wish they could understand that.

Ignore what they may think of you and concentrate on what you know to be true. You are far fro ma freak, you are one of the nicest people i have the pleasure of being acquainted with. Now smile

 

[Stella_Omega]

You should also relish the somewhat dubious distinction of being a rare example of a woman outed by her DVD collection...
Oh yeah - and the bed is definitely still available, and on short notice too... though when I say bed I mean a very comfy mattress on the sitting room floor. But I'm a great cook, if that's compensation
x
V

A mattress on the floor is good- you can't fall out of bed that way, no matter how many people are in it...

 

[cloudy]

Well, it sounds like things are going much better for you than they did for me. When I came out, the first thing my family thought was it was because I had gone through a really bad marriage and divorce.

When they finally understood that I had really been fighting with my sexuality since my teens they just wigged. I now have NO contact with anyone in my family except for my father, and that is really strained. And the only reason I continue with that saga is because he's really old and I do love him.

He does come to visit me a few times each year but it's just so fucking hard. He usually ends up having "church" people come to visit me and attempt to counsel me. The last few years I just tell them to go away and shut the door.

I shouldn't say I have no contact with my family. I come from a very, very large family. A couple of weeks ago was my birthday I the ONLY family member that called me to wish me a happy birthday was one of my nephews (I have close to 30 neices and nephews). I hadn't talked to him in probably 6 six years. It almost made me cry to realize that at one time I was considered the "cool" aunt, the one person in the family that had their shit together. Now I am the freak.

I'm the same person now that I was then...I just wish they could understand that. And whats really strange is that my mother and I NEVER got along. I think if she were still alive, she would be supportive and understanding of me.

So all I can say is that I wish you well and that your family will remeber that your the same person you were last week.

You're not a freak here.

(I know that it's not really any consolation, but at least there is one place where you are accepted for who you are)

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

(Just got back from all day at the real, Lit-free office.)

Oh, big hugs sweetie - . I wish you the very best. I agree with what Charlie and Rachlou said. From the little bit you've told be about your parents I'm pretty sure it will be OK. Surely they recognize what a special and wonderful daughter they have, and will not want that relationship diminished. As you seek understanding and acceptance from them, be sure to give it back, too - they have a lot of fantasies or "movies" that they've run through their heads for 27 years about how things would be as they move into the next stage of life, and some of those need to be rewritten.

You probably know this, Misty has explained elsewhere that her parents are fundamentalists of a rather intolerant sort (hugs Misty.) Your mom, on the other hand is a nuclear physicist. Yes, she's a very proper and button-down lady, but she hasn't been living in a cave for the past 40 years, either.

Forgive me, but - Oh, what a deliciously fraught moment this is right now! They can't fool themselves without performing feats of evasion that are beyond people who are not totally delusonal, and yet - nothing has been said, nothing resolved, and notwithstanding what I just said they probably still haven't grokked the totality of the reality. They don't know that you know that they know, but know that you might know that they know. Heck they're not even exactly sure what exactly they know. Uncertainty abounds, and confusion, and many other feelings too.

One of which is almost certainly sadness (which is not delicious at all), because they have lost something: many details of those mental 'movies' they no doubt enjoy. Nothing has replaced what has been lost, so there is sadness. If they are the people I suspect they will be open to replacing what was lost with other fine "movies," but it will take a while, and happen gradually.

Forgive me for focusing on them so much rather than you - perhaps it has to do with the fact that I'm of their generation. I'm your friend, though, so I hope that my maundering about the parental units may help you in some way deal with the challenges in the days ahead.

Best wishes, sweetie. I certainly have no expertise in any part of this kind of situation, but don't hesitate to PM if you need sympathy, venting, sounding board, etc.

I think you are unique and wonderful, and deserve happiness and fulfillment.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

My parrents thought I was gay at one point. They never brought it up though. It wasn't until a few years after I had a girlfriend that someone finally let me know their thoughts, and it didn't appear to matter.

I hope things go as well for you.

 

[SeaCat]

Sche,

While I am probably one of the least likely to be heard from here, I have to say I admire your strength.

What you and your parents are facing isn't easy, they have to get used to it. They may react with anger, derision or worse.

Stay strong during the upcoming tempest, and tempest it most likely will be.

Give your family the benefit of the doubt and be ready to forgive.

Cat

 

[Belegon]

Obviously, I haven't been through this exact thing.

But all the support I have is there for you to lean on. I'm happy you won't feel the need to hide anymore and I hope that things continue as smooth as is possible.

..and although you probably don't have much interest in one from me, a anyway.

 

[scheherazade_79]

Thanks for the all the kind words and support, folks

I had to step away last night, because everyone was being so nice I started to feel overwhelmed by it all.

My parents have gone away to my sister's and I'm unlikely to see them again until tomorrow afternoon. Probably better that we all have some breathing space. In the meantime I've debriefed my sister on the situation. We've both agreed to play it down and just act amazed that my parents think it's such a big deal in this day and age.

I got grilled before escaping the house last night - where are you going, who are you going with, when are you coming back... That hasn't happened since I was about 15, and I totally resented it.

I'll keep you updated

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Thanks for the all the kind words and support, folks

I had to step away last night, because everyone was being so nice I started to feel overwhelmed by it all.

My parents have gone away to my sister's and I'm unlikely to see them again until tomorrow afternoon. Probably better that we all have some breathing space. In the meantime I've debriefed my sister on the situation. We've both agreed to play it down and just act amazed that my parents think it's such a big deal in this day and age.

I got grilled before escaping the house last night - where are you going, who are you going with, when are you coming back... That hasn't happened since I was about 15, and I totally resented it.

I'll keep you updated

Hugs, sweetie.

It's kind of funny you getting grilled, actually - except it shows how confused they are. They are falling back on behavior from a different time of life that is inappropriate to the present one.

One thing I would add to your proposed "amazed they think it's a big deal" response is a big dose of sympathy for what they have lost, which is their vision of how things would be. They have to replace that vision with another one that has the same thing at its center - the happiness of their daughter - but is different in many significant details from their previous vision. Accomplishing this will be character gut-check time for them. They should understand that this is a character test, and resolve to meet the challenge.

It will make it easier for them to do it if you let them know that you understand and are sympathetic about what they have lost, and give them respect and admiration for the extent to which they do accomplish the replacing of that with a new vision based on the real Zade, rather than the one they imagined. They should understand this part also - that your affection, respect and admiration really is contingent on how well they accomplish this adjustment of their own visions of the future - their worldviews, really. But of course you don't want to do that in a challenging, confrontational manner, either, making it an explicit quid-pro-quo (even though it really is largely just that.) Instead, you want to bring about their appreciation of this guid pro quo in a gentle, sympathetic manner that makes it easier and more immediately rewarding for them to make the adjustment. Carrots, not sticks.

This is all "Roxanne dealing with human nature 101," stuff - I'm posting rather than PMing it because I don't have any information based on systematic study of these kinds of situations, and if I'm way off base in any part of this I'm hoping someone who knows more will please chime in and help out our beautiful Welsh pixie.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

*big hugs* babe. Hope everything turns out okay for ya.

If anyone figured out my sexuality by looking at my DVD's, they might come away thinking I'm really a gay man!

 

[Vermilion]

*big hugs* babe. Hope everything turns out okay for ya.

If anyone figured out my sexuality by looking at my DVD's, they might come away thinking I'm really a gay man!

Yup, if anyone tried that on me they'd come away thinking I'm a gay man *and* a gay woman.
I have Bound next to a collection of musicals, next to the L Word. Go figure
x
V

 

[oggbashan]

My youngest daughter's only bridesmaid came out to her parents about two weeks before the wedding. The timing was forced on her by one of her brothers ridiculing their mother's often stated wish "She should get married soon...".

Mother rang her daughter angrily asking "Is it true that you are a lesbian?". Daughter replied "Yes" and then had to put the phone down on her mother's ranting. Mother barred her from the house and said that she didn't want her daughter's name ever spoken again. We offered to accommodate the bridesmaid and her SO the night before the wedding but the bride found her a room in the hotel.

The bridesmaid's father still kept in touch although he found her status difficult to accept, but as he said later "We profess to be Christians and how can we be if we can't accept what our daughter is?"

Six months later the mother and daughter agreed to meet in a neutral place - a local cafe. Within the year the daughter was able to stay at home on short visits. Her mother still believes that this is a phase her late 20s daughter is going through and cannot accept the daughter's SO as a partner but they have reached a bearable compromise. Mother doesn't rant. Daughter doesn't flaunt her sexuality, nor bring her SO on home visits. It isn't ideal and hurts both of them but it works.

Compromise and tact can bring peace if there has been time for the shock to wear off.

My daughter, and the rest of our family, knew about her bridesmaid's sexual preferences long ago, but we also knew that the mother couldn't face it.

Og

 

[Vermilion]

Yup. My head bridesmaid is gay. She's the one with the Catholic family who had a total non-reaction. Bless her. I love her to bits but I am so glad I am her friend and not her girlfriend. She treats women like most straight men do
x
V

 

[McKenna]

I bet compared to finding out you're gay, smoking wasn't so big a problem after all.


Seriously though, you've got my respect and support, Sche. If all else fails, there's a place for you in Idaho with me.