Ever want to claw out your heart?

[dreamer]

I just got an email from my ex's mom. We've stayed in pretty decent communication so it was no big surprise. We've also not talked about her on purpose given neither of us were given a reason for why things ended the way they did. After the months of really talking about it there was just nothing left to say without more information from her. I can say however there hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't woken up and missed her.

Anyhow, today was different she told me H had left this morning for Honduras.

Now, I had kinda moved on with my life, even if I hadn't moved on with my heart. I have plans for next weekend to spend it with my current gf (who lives 3 hours away and has 5 kids) for the first time ever ALONE.

I've been constantly fighting between what my head knows and what my heart belives. Now it doesn't even matter; it's all just hurt. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, because frankly no one understands still hurting after two years. No one I know understands loving like that. And now as if I wasn't worried before, (reasons for leaving were bothersome) I sure am now.

I've gone through the whole gammit of reactions, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried distractions, I've tried bawling my eyes out. My brain tells me I shouldn't even care right now let alone hurt or worry. But I do, and I don't know how to change that.

Frankly I don't even know why I am posting this here...other than the need to somehow communicate how I am feeling. Even if it is all just a jumble of meaningless words trying to explain this chaos in my chest, and mind.

Then I read posts from people that have REAL concerns, real difficulty in life and I feel like shit that I should have the nerve to feel bad over an ex fiancee. That just compounds everything because my mind knows better. Oh well...I've rambled on enough...more than enough.

 

[riff]

Don't worry about it man. I was freaking out a few weeks ago. It will pass.

If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.

 

[MrKinkMaster]

Its ok... let it out.

 

[tswyk]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I can only tell you that there are times when you move forward - knowing in your head that you must - but a piece of your heart stays behind.

That's just life. Don't fight it - just accept it.

If you keep moving forward, there will come a day when you suddenly realize that the pain is just a memory.


~ hugs~

 

[dreamer]

Don't worry about it man. I was freaking out a few weeks ago. It will pass.

If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.

I just feel like I've been freaking out for two years now. I've just kinda put my life on hold emotionally, and otherwise. It isn't helping that I quit my job last fall (for REALLY good reasons) and haven't figured out what I am going to do with my life.

What sicko wired us to care so much about another human being? Or am I just a messed up fluke?

 

[riff]

You're just a human being.

Please don't take it the wrong way, but going to a therapist has made all of the difference in the world to me. People bash them all the time, but for me it is working- and that is all that matters.

I wish you only the best of luck, peace, happiness, and prosperity.

 

[dreamer]

I went for over a year and a half. Realized it wasn't going to change how I 'feel.' Also looked back and saw the vacation in Hawaii I could've had for the 7 grand I spent...heh.

I've been considering going back. Today's made that seem even more likely.

Thanks.

 

[riff]

You are going to be all right. Therapy is not a cure. It's a process.

As for myself, it is a process of accepting myself as I am. I am finding all kinds of wonderful things. Sometimes scary things. But wonderful. Life is joy, my friend. If I sound like a real touchy-feelie, well, maybe I am sometimes.

Try not to worry. I worry too much. So I try not to worry. Life is too good.

 

[dreamer]

Oh, I hear you. The problem is my process led me to realize and accept I was always going to feel this way about her. Sucks for me, but I'd rather this than be the type that just says 'next'

Seriously though, thanks.

 

[hatara]

Dreamer you loved this woman enough to want to marry her. You will probably always have some feelings for her. Nothing will change that. But you are doing what you have to and moving on with your life. It may just feel like your going through the motions right now but that will change.

With time someone will come along that will take first pleace in your heart. I am not going to say that you will not still care about your ex, you probably will. But the pain will be gone.

 

[SXCRgirl]

dreamer, I'm on AIM if you want to talk. I'm here for you friend. *HUGS* I know how you feel.