Ettiquette: How important is it to the D/s lifestyle?

[Brandii]

I was pondering this question: How important is ettiquitte to the D/s lifestyle and do subs make a concerted effort to be trained in it for the sake of their Dom/Domme?

What I mean here is ettiquitte as in how to address other Dominant males and females in your Sir's company and also when there are a number of them in a room- say the chat room here at Lit.

I was actually in the D/s chat room of Lit the other night and talking to both a Domme and a Dom (names withheld) and I began to wonder if another Dom or Domme entered, what should I call them: thinking calling everyone Sir or Madam is only going to confuse the situation.

Subs are easy as they can be called by their 'name' and even abbreviated: seems kind of obnoxious to do that to a PYL.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[BiBunny]

Yuck. What passes for D/s "etiquette" is nothing but a bunch of overblown pretension most of the time. I do my best to be kind and well-mannered with ALL people, kinky or vanilla, but I don't care for that "Master/Mistress/Sir/Ma'am" b.s. that some people in this lifestyle tout. Calling yourself Master doesn't automatically mean that I'm going to. Plus, those convoluted ways of speaking they expect subs to do are annoying as hell. It's a lack of respect for everyone involved's time if you speak in ways that go in so many circles that nobody understands what the hell you're saying.

That being said, I call most people who are older than me "Sir" or "Ma'am" unless they prefer it otherwise. It's just a Southern thing. I only have one Master, and I don't even use honorifics with him 90% of the time.

 

[Brandii]

That's what I was wondering, Cutie Mouse. I have been doing research on all the things a sub is supposed to know and this question of etiquitte [looked spelling up] is not mentioned much at all, but as most Doms would possess a bit of breeding, then one would think that etiquitte would be an important attribute that they would want in their sub: or am I wrong.

I supose what I'm thinking is respect seems to play such a large role in the interaction between Dom/mes and subs, that etiquette and its correct usage would be regarded as a highly valued assett in a submissive - especially if he ever wants to take her out of the bedroom at any time.

But like I say, I'm just reading and learning....

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Whether in vanilla or cultural/lifestyle surroundings, I try to give each person their proper respect, particularly if I'm not terribly familiar with them. I've been known to address f-pyls whose names I don't know as "ma'am," e.g., "I'm gettin' a fresh soda - would you like one, ma'am?" if we've been sitting out on the patio and chatting, and m-pyls as "sir" in similar circumstances. But then, as BB said, that's at least partly "a suthrun thang" and partly having been brought up in the military. With that said, I did and do expect anyone who is pyl *to me* to address me respectfully at all times, whether it's as "Sir" or by my first name (Winston or birth name)... the tone/form of address is much more important (to me) than the particular appellation used. Anyone *not* in that position can address me as they wish - if I feel it's in a disrespectful manner, I'm likely to ignore them, or raise an eyebrow.

 

[callinectes]

Me three. I call my Dominant by his given name (mostly), Daddy, sweetheart, etc. I am not required to call him Daddy nor am I required to add Sir to the end of each sentence. In fact, I can't think of the last time I replied with a "Sir". I don't hang out in chatrooms but there is no way I would address anyone as Sir or Ma'am if I did. Just because I am submissive to B, does not mean I owe every guy that calls himself a dom an honorific.

Being Southern (as are Bunny and Cutie) I do use Ma'am and Sir in social settings when addressing older people. It is a courtesy that is drilled into our heads from birth.

ETA Oops..didn't mean to leave you out of the Southerness, SW. You posted while I was composing.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Most of the time when I am addressed as "sir" I tell the party addressing me as such not to do that as it makes me turn around and look for my father. I only time I expect to be addressed as "Sir" from a pyl is when she has agreed to be mine and even then it isn't an every sentence requirement.

 

[serijules]

Addressing someone you have no relationship with as "Sir" or "Ma'am" outside of a "vanilla/southern/I was raised that way" context is rather presumptious. Definately is not an ettiquette thing to do so, other than maybe in some online fantasy worlds where all Doms are posers, heh. I'd consider a request to address someone respectfully when no relationship exists to be a red flag.

Most dominants I know get quite annoyed when others presume it is their right and place to address them as a title, serve them without permission or otherwise "force" their submission on them uninvited.

The only ettiqutte I know of is that which my owner has taught me. It's not a formal lifestyle thing, it's simply how SHE expects me to behave.

Otherwise, as others have said, just being respectful of others' kinks even if they are not your own and generally being a nice person will get you far.

Being submissive does not mean you have to subscribe to what anyone else does, wants, desires, hopes, or practices unless it is something that has been agreed on within a relationship.

 

[graceanne]

I'm not sure what the etiquette elsewhere is, but here on lit it's pretty much expected that you call people by their names or nicknames. I, also, refer to K by his name, or honey, sweetie, etc. I would not be comfortable refering to a stranger or aquaintance as Sir or Madam or whatever, unless I don't know their names. (I call sales people sir and ma'am.) Heck, I don't think I'd call someone I know Sir or Madam. *shrugs*

That said, I also try to be polite and courteous. Notice, I said 'try'. I'm a very blunt person and sometimes accidently make people uncomfortable. But it would seem to me that basic courtesy should work anywhere I go, and if it doesn't then maybe that's a group that I don't want to be a part of. I have no patience for people who put on airs, and I don't care if they're dominants or submissives.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Addressing someone you have no relationship with as "Sir" or "Ma'am" outside of a "vanilla/southern/I was raised that way" context is rather presumptious. Definately is not an ettiquette thing to do so, other than maybe in some online fantasy worlds where all Doms are posers, heh. I'd consider a request to address someone respectfully when no relationship exists to be a red flag.

Most dominants I know get quite annoyed when others presume it is their right and place to address them as a title, serve them without permission or otherwise "force" their submission on them uninvited.

The only ettiqutte I know of is that which my owner has taught me. It's not a formal lifestyle thing, it's simply how SHE expects me to behave.

Otherwise, as others have said, just being respectful of others' kinks even if they are not your own and generally being a nice person will get you far.

Being submissive does not mean you have to subscribe to what anyone else does, wants, desires, hopes, or practices unless it is something that has been agreed on within a relationship.

I think you hit the nail right on the head.

 

[StormMaster]

I believe some good points have been raised by several people here already. I might add that a contract between the D/s should spell out any required etiquette. I have in my life seen many D/s relationships where "sir" is not required most if not all the time (including my own with Jean).

It is up to each couple to determine how they want to establish their interactions, whether or not they are in a vanilla or D/s relationship.

And if someone else doesn't like it? Fuck them

Storm

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[myinnerslut]

im actually not allowed to call A "sir" (though it seems to be a habbit he cant break as it accidently slips out from time to time no matter what he does about it) or "master". he says it is too formal and he much prefers his first name. since i dont call him sir, i most certainly am not going to call anyone else sir unless im being playful and its in jest.

 

[satindesire]

And capitalizing their pronoun is annoying!

 

[callinectes]

And capitalizing their pronoun is annoying!

*nods* and presumptious to boot. And distracting. When I read posts written in that fashion the pronouns scream at me. Drives me nuts.

this one agrees with everything Y/you A/all have said in this thread.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

What makes me laugh is these HNGs who call themselves Master ABC and wear leather and expect instant submission from whatever pyl who happens to wander across their path.

They make talk the talk but don't know how to walk the walk.

 

[satindesire]

this one agrees with everything Y/you A/all have said in this thread.

SAMMY!

 

[satindesire]

They make talk the talk but don't know how to walk the walk.

Or whip the whip.

<---nerd

 

[HottieMama]

In daily life i refer to most strangers as Sir or Ma'am, so it always feels very strange to me to call my PYL, "Sir." Too impersonal... i have done it in the past, but it just feels "weird" like He's no different from the person at McDonald's.

As far as other Doms go, i generally refer to them by their first name or screen name. Why not? They're not my Dom, so they're really just another person.

 

[BiBunny]

this one agrees with everything Y/you A/all have said in this thread.

*Screams* Please, God, make it stop!

 

[Brandii]

Ok, well that clears that up.

No one gets to be called Sir or Master until I'm in my own full-on relationship.

...and as for Doms having breeding, that comes from my idealistic mental picture of my ideal Dom pulling himself out of a Harliquin historical romance. I want a rake.

 

[Etoile]

this one agrees with everything Y/you A/all have said in this thread.

*barfs*

 

[Brandii]

each to their own Etoile

 

[CutieMouse]

*****