Etiquette Question!

[SweetErika]

I'm writing the invitations for our son's 2nd birthday, and I have a big question for you.

The whole party is going to be at a kid's gym and only 90 minutes, including play and cake/food. Therefore, the gym suggests NOT opening gifts at the party, but rather doing it at home afterward because the time is so short and tots have tiny attention spans. And I've been to other toddler parties where there were gifts, and it's always been kind of a disaster because the kids are too tired at the end, start claiming/fighting over the gifts, the parents want to leave before it's over, etc. Because of the timing and extra trouble, we will NOT be inviting anyone but grandparents over to our home to open gifts or anything following the party.

My question is this:

Given the fact that we will not be opening any gifts at the party and our son really doesn't need gifts from his friends (of course he has tons of stuff already and will get plenty from his family), is it good manners or rude to say something like:

You simply need to bring yourselves and socks for the adults to wear on the gym floor (kids go barefoot). Because time is limited and the little ones have such short attention spans, the gym strongly suggests not opening gifts at the actual party. Thus, please feel free to skip the gift or donate to charity instead.

Or should I say it a different way?

Or leave the stuff about gifts out entirely?

Normally, I wouldn't even mention gifts at all, but I don't want people to be upset when we don't open what they brought at the party or feel obligated to bring a gift at all. And there's really no place to open gifts outside of the gym. There will be lots of kids there and I know buying birthday gifts throughout the year can get expensive, so I definitely don't want anyone to feel like they should go to that trouble or expense! Yeah, I could just say we won't be opening gifts during the party, but then I feel like people might take the mention of gifts as rude, and kind of as a plea for gifts!

Thank you in advance for your help!

 

[serpentwrap]

Is a printed invite being sent or just email invites. If the invites are printed on a hard copy, may be you can have a PS at the bottom that says: Club / Gym rules forbid opening of gifts at the venue. So please forget the gifts and remember to turn up in your Argyles... or pom poms.

The same can be done on email invites as well. Add a touch of humor instead of long explanations about attention spans etc.

My two bits for whatever they be worth

 

[unregistered]

 

[PhilGarlic]

play it as you see it.

How about playing it how you see it, invite and say nothing about opening / not opening pressies. If there is time go ahead, if not take them home and open then there. Just make sure you know who sent what and they get a thank you note, written by your child of course
Although your child doesn't need the presents the fun of ripping open the wrapping is so good at that age.

 

[Loverskitten]

Erika, I think how you have it written is best. People may be offended that you took their gift home without opening it. Leave it how you worded it.

 

[Maxell46]

You don't open gifts at these " theme " type parties. I've been through dozens with both my kids ( now 15 and 13 ) and gifts get taken home.
Especially 2 year olds.

Take them home and then open them.
Party at your home would be different but these places are on a time schedule and you want your kids enjoying the full 90 minutes of mayhem and running around...then pizza and cake and its over.

As for the invites : Keep it simple!!! Just invite them and leave out all the words and stuff. This isn't a wedding..just a 2 year olds birthday party.
Invite them and thats that! Keep it short and simple.

Any parent that gets in a tiff because a 2 year old didn't open their gift in the middle of a childrens gym party just hasn't been there and done that yet.

 

[subwannabe]

I have a couple of little ones so we have gone though this a few times. I'm not really sure why the place suggests no gifts there. We have a place we go to where they tumble for a while and then spend about a half hour doing cake and gifts. The workers actually keep a list of the presents and where they come from and give it to you at the end. Extremely helpful. I've never seen an incident like they describe by doing this. Having said that, if they suggest not doing that I wouldn't go against that, especially since you're not keen on gifts anyway. Our kids have a lot of toys already and I dread parties where they are going to get another 15, not to mention family celebrations. To answer your question, I would definetly let them know upfront that you prefer no gifts. It wasn't long ago one of our kids got an invitation which specifically requested no gifts and suggested making a donation to the local children's hospital. That worked out just fine.

 

[bailadora]

I'm with Max: not opening gifts at one of these themed events is quite common and no one I know has gotten their knickers in a twist over it. And IRC, the staff explains this when people come into the venue. They take whatever gifts people might bring and assemble them in a pile (in a different location) for the parents to later take home. At least that's the way they've handled it at all the events like this that we've been to. I thought it kind of nice because it takes a lot of stress off the parents.

That said, if you still want to put in something about forgoing a gift, one of the most gracious ways I've seen this handled is as follows: your presence is gift enough.

 

[Scentofawoman]

I had this dilema too. I like the paraghraph you wrote and leave it at that. Some people might even be secretly grateful given the economy these days and everyone counting their pennies in their pocket.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for all of the great advice, everyone! Based on that, I think I'll just leave it at:
You simply need to bring yourselves and socks for the adults to wear on the gym floor (kids go barefoot).

I do think that implies gifts aren't necessary at all (while still leaving it up to the individual), and I'll let anyone who asks know their presence is gift enough, and we won't have time to open gifts at the party. I'll also ask the staff to deal with the gift situation by politely letting any gift bearing guests know we'll set them aside and open them post-party so the kids can maximize their play time. I'm sure they have plenty of experience with this issue, and everyone I've met there has been super nice and tactful about other issues in the past.

A lot of this stems from the criticism we received from our in-laws about last year's party. They told us a few months ago that they were upset we didn't have the party on the day they were here (it was a Thursday morning, FFS!), my dad didn't come to that event, we should have had a cake then, too, etc. As it was, we had a short celebration with them, then a party with just a few guests and cake the following weekend when people were actually available. So now I feel really sensitive about doing everything "right" and pleasing people.

Thanks again, everyone!

 

[bailadora]

A lot of this stems from the criticism we received from our in-laws about last year's party. They told us a few months ago that they were upset we didn't have the party on the day they were here (it was a Thursday morning, FFS!), my dad didn't come to that event, we should have had a cake then, too, etc. As it was, we had a short celebration with them, then a party with just a few guests and cake the following weekend when people were actually available. So now I feel really sensitive about doing everything "right" and pleasing people.

Oy! I've had a few run ins like this with various family members. I always find myself thinking, "You know - when it's YOUR party, you plan it the way YOU want it. But seeing as how it's NOT your party, just be grateful to have been invited, dammit!"

 

[SweetErika]

Oy! I've had a few run ins like this with various family members. I always find myself thinking, "You know - when it's YOUR party, you plan it the way YOU want it. But seeing as how it's NOT your party, just be grateful to have been invited, dammit!"

Exactly. And my Father-in-law waited like 9 months and then unloaded on my husband about it while he was visiting their home. When Hubby told me, I'm like, "What the fuck? They've been seething about this for almost a year?"

The fact is, my husband's grandma was staying with us and got to have a combo St. Patrick's Day/B-day cupcake party at our playgroup. My mom came to that. Then my in-laws came to pick Grandma up the next day, even though we made it clear the party would be the upcoming Saturday (but, noooo, they couldn't possibly change their schedule so they could attend that party), and we did another small celebration with my mom and gifts from them, that was really for their benefit. But it was at like 9 or 10am, so cake was really out of the question. Plus, two of the adults are gluten-free, so at least my mother-in-law surely would have expected a special GF cake that she could eat as well. My dad and his gf were out of town that week - not something I could control by any means; it's not like you can force people to attend events!

These family members insist on us scheduling events around their schedules when my mother-in-law is all about criticizing my son and parenting and they really don't make any effort to see our son. They said this year, we'd have to tell them when the party would be at least TWO MONTHS in advance so they could put it on their calendar. I told my husband to tell them it'd be the weekend after his actual birthday, and that was plenty of notice. If they can't deal with it, they don't have to come at all. I can't see my father-in-law getting upset about this or complaining (especially 9 months later!) if his stupid wife hadn't been in his ear about it since the day they came and felt slighted, apparently.

Oh, and at that same time, there was also a whole debacle about how we gave Grandma the flu/food poisoning while she was here by not feeding her on her regular schedule. Sorry, but if you don't tell us when you want to eat meals when we ask, or help yourself to our food like we've invited you to multiple times, or ask me to get you what you like at the store when I offer to do so, tough luck if getting off of your eating schedule gives you the flu. We had had the same thing a week or two before, so I offered her compazine suppositories and medical help, but she refused both. We really love Hubby's grandma, and have never found her to be a difficult guest, but were extremely offended that she accused us of making her sick and was also bitching about it behind our backs months after her visit. Again, I'm guessing my mother-in-law goads her into complaining or puts ideas in her head because Grandma isn't the mean-spirited person that my MIL is.

Ugh. Just knowing my in-laws will be coming to this party makes me anxious. Maybe I should send a comment card with their invitation so they can air all of their grievances immediately after the party, rather than saving them up and unloading on us over the next year?

 

[wicked woman]

Erika

May I suggest that you nip your in-laws expectations in the bud? Their expectations are completely out of whack but if someone - your husband - doesn't remind them of their place soon, it's most likely to get worse. Sounds like this is their modus operandi for everything - they want the world to revolve around them.

I say this as a grandmother of both of my sons' families. The details of when, how, where, etc. they have bday parties for their children is their decision. I'm just thankful for an invitation. I usually go on vacation around one of my grandchildren's birthdays. I make a point of asking which weekend they're having the party on so I know not to go away that weekend. I wouldn't think of telling them when to have the party.

oh and I can hardly believe your son is almost 2.

 

[bailadora]

Maybe I should send a comment card with their invitation so they can air all of their grievances immediately after the party, rather than saving them up and unloading on us over the next year?

I 'spose you could, but she'd likely complain about your selection of stationary!

Um, yeah. I concur with Wicked Woman: it sounds like your husband might have a little "come to Jesus" meeting with his parents.

 

[roomfor1more]

Thanks for all of the great advice, everyone! Based on that, I think I'll just leave it at:
You simply need to bring yourselves and socks for the adults to wear on the gym floor (kids go barefoot).

I do think that implies gifts aren't necessary at all (while still leaving it up to the individual), and I'll let anyone who asks know their presence is gift enough, and we won't have time to open gifts at the party. I'll also ask the staff to deal with the gift situation by politely letting any gift bearing guests know we'll set them aside and open them post-party so the kids can maximize their play time. I'm sure they have plenty of experience with this issue, and everyone I've met there has been super nice and tactful about other issues in the past.

A lot of this stems from the criticism we received from our in-laws about last year's party. They told us a few months ago that they were upset we didn't have the party on the day they were here (it was a Thursday morning, FFS!), my dad didn't come to that event, we should have had a cake then, too, etc. As it was, we had a short celebration with them, then a party with just a few guests and cake the following weekend when people were actually available. So now I feel really sensitive about doing everything "right" and pleasing people.

Thanks again, everyone!

I feel, SweetErika is on the right track. However, I would state,

You simply need to bring yourselves and socks for the adults to wear on the gym floor (kids go barefoot). Since we have limited time, 90 minutes, presents are not necessary and if you would like to bring a present then we ask that you make a donation to ____ [insert a charity name] in ___ [insert your child's] name.

 

[wicked woman]

Since the option of a charity has been brought up again, my vote is a big no on that suggestion. I don't know about your circle of friends, but most parents of young kids that I know have tight budgets and 1,001 things to spend their money on. If they're making donations, that's their call. They don't need someone suggesting it instead of buying a birthday present for their child's friend.

So stick to your last suggestion. Sounds good to me.