serijules
just seri
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2002
- Posts
- 1,941
Don't know where this should go, don't care, move it if you wish 
Someone emailed me having found my website and wanting to ask some questions about poly relationships, specifically on how to deal with jealousy issues, if it gets better, how I cope, and so forth. I thought I would share my thoughts here as well as I know there are some that have a hard time asking this question because of the negativity surrounding jealousy as a topic at times.
My situation is a little bit different than most in the sense that I am not truly poly. I just somehow always seem to find myself in relationships where my partner is poly. Some of my experiences have been terrible...others (like my current one) are REAL and when all is said and done, very good.
My first two relationships were poly in different ways. The first was a man who wanted all the benefits and none of the reality. The reality is that you really have to be committed to each relationship. Quality time and attention is important in any relationship, and some people are just not cut out to juggle that and the rest of their lives with any sort of ease. I was hurt because he expected too much from me without being willing to guide me and teach me.
My second ended because my Domme found a lover and explored her subside with him, to a point where my relationship with her took a very far back seat in her life. I couldn't handle that. It made me unhappy and resentful. I moved on and said I would never do poly again.
Yet here I am. This time the difference is I found someone who truly loves and respects each of her submissives and partners, and has the ability and willingness to handle the responsibility of having those multiple relationships. I trust her, I trust her to always handle me with respect and love. I sometimes struggle with trusting the others and their intentions, and I always work on that. It doesn't get easier really, it just gets more familiar and with that familiarity comes better coping techniques and ease of acceptance.
However, because of my not-really-poly-at-all nature, I tend to get easily jealous and upset. Oddly enough, as fast as I get upset, I'm just as quick sometimes to realize "cripes Seri, all is fine, get over yourself" and feel better once I've let that "poison" out to air. I'm not really sure jealous is the right word for it because I don't resent the others or wish they were not a part of Ma'am's life. I don't even wish I were in their shoes. I just tend to let their presence allow me to feel as if I am less important or allow fears that they will lessen what I am and what I give. I have a hard time dealing with feeling as though I am "enough" and at times resentful that the limited time Ma'am has is split with others. I selfishly want to be very important, very special. Very "enough".
What I finally realized is that I AM important and special. This is not measured in the amount of time she spends with me compared to others, and there is no scale of who is best and most wanted or whatnot. Realizing this and BELIEVING it has helped me a lot with the "jealous" feelings and insecure feelings. That doesn't mean that I never feel them or think them anymore, I just am able to realize that I am being silly and work through it. Oftentimes working through those feelings also brings me in touch with just how loved and important and enough I really am. It's a circle, a cycle I think, dealing with these feelings. Pretending they are not that or insisting they shouldn't be there is the worst way anyone can handle these feelings I think. I've seen many poly people loudly proclaim that there is NO room in poly relationships for jealousy or negative feelings and that their existence will shatter the relationship. I disagree. I think they are normal, healthy and albeit annoying, they are also chances to grow and strengthen a relationship by dealing with them.
It's a struggle, I won't lie about that. I hate myself sometimes for the things I feel and think but I'm also learning to just accept that what I feel is what I feel, and it's what I do with those feelings that matter; something Ma'am has taught me. A good example of this: I am going to visit Ma'am soon. It's been quite awhile since I've seen her, and part of the time that I am there, another friend will be there as well. Part of me is insecure about this,scared it will mean less attention, less time, less focus, less love for me. The other part of me is thrilled to be meeting this special person and can't wait to spend time with her and share my experiences with Ma'am with her, to talk to her and learn from her and to be shown off and have an audience. If I kept beating myself over the"negative" feelings, I would never be happy. They just are what they are and the only way it really affects our relationship is if I display those feelings in a disrespectful way, in a way that takes my focus and appreciation off of the time and love and attention that I do have or affects my realization that what we have is honest and special.
Again, it's not what you feel, it's what you do with those feelings. I fail at this sometimes too. Sometimes I get sullen and pouty and "poor me". It embarrasses me and usually makes me that much more determined to handle myself better and become a better slave. I'm human. It's ok. Ma'am is good at putting me firmly in my place.
I think the best way to deal with these feelings is just to accept them and be honest about them. The honesty is hard...I hate sharing that part of me with Ma'am, of showing her a nasty or negative side of me. I fear it will make her dislike me or be disappointed in me. I also know that she is not going to just toss me aside because I am not always thinking happy, positive things and that she not only appreciates the honesty, but DEMANDS it, expects it. So even though it causes us stressful moments as she has a hard time understanding my problems just as I at times have a hard time understanding her desires, it's worth it because it builds a solid base of honesty and trust for the rest of our relationship to stand on. That is vital to a poly relationship. Absolutely vital.
And there are benefits as well to poly, many of them. I love my subsister very much, even though at times I don't like some of the things she does and vice versa, it's a real strong family type of love and that is something I treasure. The others in Ma'am's life offer her things I cannot, things that make her life easier and happier, so accepting them and being respectful to them is a way for me to indirectly serve Ma'am, and I find just as much joy in this as I do occasional upset.
When I am having negative thoughts like "She hasn't talked to me much all weekend, I wonder if she's too busy with *so and so*" or "*so and so* has so much more to offer her than I do", I handle these moments by really focusing on my submission and on displaying that. I work harder at being respectful and obedient, I spend time on my knees reflecting, I ask her for help dealing, or even sometimes I talk to that person about how I am feeling and ask them for help sorting it out. Bringing the others into your life even in small ways, if that is possible or allowed, has been one of my best ways of coping. It allows me to understand more what they are feeling, to see how my feelings or actions affect them, and to built a greater foundation of trust and unity. It always helps to know others understand or even if they don't quite understand, know they accept you anyhow.
The others in Ma'ams life seem to deal with and handle feelings of jealousy or even have a lack of this emotion at all, much better than I do. This is upsetting to me and I have to work hard to not feel like a failure for being the "impossible one" as I sometimes tend to label myself. But what it all comes down to is I trust in Ma'ams love, beyound anything else, regardless of anything else...I trust in her love and commitment to US. I know that we will both do anything in our power to make our relationship work and that is a rock for me. I can handle anything if I just keep that in my focus. It's worth the occasional pain and hurt because the good times are so much stronger than the bad.
Poly isn't for everyone, but even if you have a hard time with it, even if you are insecure in it, if your relationship is strong and your will is strong, you will either be just fine, or realize that you just really need to be in a different kind of relationship. In my first two relationships, I realized I needed a different kind of relationship and a different kind of person to Own me. I've found out surprisingly that I rather enjoy the challenge of poly, I benefit a lot from being forced to deal with these feelings, to talk about things, to deal with hurt and grow from the lessons it brings. If I could change things, if I could change Ma'ams desires, I really don't think I would change a thing at all, other than my own ability to cope a bit better as I hate being a source of frustration to her. But that is changeable, and I'm working on it
Would love to hear some of YOUR ways of coping and dealing with jealousy or insecurity, either from you or your partner(s).
Someone emailed me having found my website and wanting to ask some questions about poly relationships, specifically on how to deal with jealousy issues, if it gets better, how I cope, and so forth. I thought I would share my thoughts here as well as I know there are some that have a hard time asking this question because of the negativity surrounding jealousy as a topic at times.
My situation is a little bit different than most in the sense that I am not truly poly. I just somehow always seem to find myself in relationships where my partner is poly. Some of my experiences have been terrible...others (like my current one) are REAL and when all is said and done, very good.
My first two relationships were poly in different ways. The first was a man who wanted all the benefits and none of the reality. The reality is that you really have to be committed to each relationship. Quality time and attention is important in any relationship, and some people are just not cut out to juggle that and the rest of their lives with any sort of ease. I was hurt because he expected too much from me without being willing to guide me and teach me.
My second ended because my Domme found a lover and explored her subside with him, to a point where my relationship with her took a very far back seat in her life. I couldn't handle that. It made me unhappy and resentful. I moved on and said I would never do poly again.
Yet here I am. This time the difference is I found someone who truly loves and respects each of her submissives and partners, and has the ability and willingness to handle the responsibility of having those multiple relationships. I trust her, I trust her to always handle me with respect and love. I sometimes struggle with trusting the others and their intentions, and I always work on that. It doesn't get easier really, it just gets more familiar and with that familiarity comes better coping techniques and ease of acceptance.
However, because of my not-really-poly-at-all nature, I tend to get easily jealous and upset. Oddly enough, as fast as I get upset, I'm just as quick sometimes to realize "cripes Seri, all is fine, get over yourself" and feel better once I've let that "poison" out to air. I'm not really sure jealous is the right word for it because I don't resent the others or wish they were not a part of Ma'am's life. I don't even wish I were in their shoes. I just tend to let their presence allow me to feel as if I am less important or allow fears that they will lessen what I am and what I give. I have a hard time dealing with feeling as though I am "enough" and at times resentful that the limited time Ma'am has is split with others. I selfishly want to be very important, very special. Very "enough".
What I finally realized is that I AM important and special. This is not measured in the amount of time she spends with me compared to others, and there is no scale of who is best and most wanted or whatnot. Realizing this and BELIEVING it has helped me a lot with the "jealous" feelings and insecure feelings. That doesn't mean that I never feel them or think them anymore, I just am able to realize that I am being silly and work through it. Oftentimes working through those feelings also brings me in touch with just how loved and important and enough I really am. It's a circle, a cycle I think, dealing with these feelings. Pretending they are not that or insisting they shouldn't be there is the worst way anyone can handle these feelings I think. I've seen many poly people loudly proclaim that there is NO room in poly relationships for jealousy or negative feelings and that their existence will shatter the relationship. I disagree. I think they are normal, healthy and albeit annoying, they are also chances to grow and strengthen a relationship by dealing with them.
It's a struggle, I won't lie about that. I hate myself sometimes for the things I feel and think but I'm also learning to just accept that what I feel is what I feel, and it's what I do with those feelings that matter; something Ma'am has taught me. A good example of this: I am going to visit Ma'am soon. It's been quite awhile since I've seen her, and part of the time that I am there, another friend will be there as well. Part of me is insecure about this,scared it will mean less attention, less time, less focus, less love for me. The other part of me is thrilled to be meeting this special person and can't wait to spend time with her and share my experiences with Ma'am with her, to talk to her and learn from her and to be shown off and have an audience. If I kept beating myself over the"negative" feelings, I would never be happy. They just are what they are and the only way it really affects our relationship is if I display those feelings in a disrespectful way, in a way that takes my focus and appreciation off of the time and love and attention that I do have or affects my realization that what we have is honest and special.
Again, it's not what you feel, it's what you do with those feelings. I fail at this sometimes too. Sometimes I get sullen and pouty and "poor me". It embarrasses me and usually makes me that much more determined to handle myself better and become a better slave. I'm human. It's ok. Ma'am is good at putting me firmly in my place.
I think the best way to deal with these feelings is just to accept them and be honest about them. The honesty is hard...I hate sharing that part of me with Ma'am, of showing her a nasty or negative side of me. I fear it will make her dislike me or be disappointed in me. I also know that she is not going to just toss me aside because I am not always thinking happy, positive things and that she not only appreciates the honesty, but DEMANDS it, expects it. So even though it causes us stressful moments as she has a hard time understanding my problems just as I at times have a hard time understanding her desires, it's worth it because it builds a solid base of honesty and trust for the rest of our relationship to stand on. That is vital to a poly relationship. Absolutely vital.
And there are benefits as well to poly, many of them. I love my subsister very much, even though at times I don't like some of the things she does and vice versa, it's a real strong family type of love and that is something I treasure. The others in Ma'am's life offer her things I cannot, things that make her life easier and happier, so accepting them and being respectful to them is a way for me to indirectly serve Ma'am, and I find just as much joy in this as I do occasional upset.
When I am having negative thoughts like "She hasn't talked to me much all weekend, I wonder if she's too busy with *so and so*" or "*so and so* has so much more to offer her than I do", I handle these moments by really focusing on my submission and on displaying that. I work harder at being respectful and obedient, I spend time on my knees reflecting, I ask her for help dealing, or even sometimes I talk to that person about how I am feeling and ask them for help sorting it out. Bringing the others into your life even in small ways, if that is possible or allowed, has been one of my best ways of coping. It allows me to understand more what they are feeling, to see how my feelings or actions affect them, and to built a greater foundation of trust and unity. It always helps to know others understand or even if they don't quite understand, know they accept you anyhow.
The others in Ma'ams life seem to deal with and handle feelings of jealousy or even have a lack of this emotion at all, much better than I do. This is upsetting to me and I have to work hard to not feel like a failure for being the "impossible one" as I sometimes tend to label myself. But what it all comes down to is I trust in Ma'ams love, beyound anything else, regardless of anything else...I trust in her love and commitment to US. I know that we will both do anything in our power to make our relationship work and that is a rock for me. I can handle anything if I just keep that in my focus. It's worth the occasional pain and hurt because the good times are so much stronger than the bad.
Poly isn't for everyone, but even if you have a hard time with it, even if you are insecure in it, if your relationship is strong and your will is strong, you will either be just fine, or realize that you just really need to be in a different kind of relationship. In my first two relationships, I realized I needed a different kind of relationship and a different kind of person to Own me. I've found out surprisingly that I rather enjoy the challenge of poly, I benefit a lot from being forced to deal with these feelings, to talk about things, to deal with hurt and grow from the lessons it brings. If I could change things, if I could change Ma'ams desires, I really don't think I would change a thing at all, other than my own ability to cope a bit better as I hate being a source of frustration to her. But that is changeable, and I'm working on it
Would love to hear some of YOUR ways of coping and dealing with jealousy or insecurity, either from you or your partner(s).
