Erotic Horror Story

[Mary Riley]

The story I had been talking about in an earlier thread finally got accepted.

I would appreciate any feedback and constructive criticism offered. I am always looking for room to improve my stories. Please keep in mind that this is my first attempt at this particular subject in Literotica, and that not everyone will find the subject matter or actions of the storie's characters settling. If you are bothered by horror movies and violence, chances are you shouldn't read stories in this category.

Thank you for your time.

This story is set in old Ireland, in a little pub. It has a bit of a surprising twist that, I have been told, most that have read it didn't expect.

Love Everlasting

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

My personal opinion is that this is a good short horror story. My criticism would be that the character and personal motivation of Liam has not been explained or developed. In particular I found the following paragraph awkward:

The Irishman, though uncommonly easy on the eyes, once again appeared to be leaving alone. It was very rare that anyone accompanied him. A handful of ladies sat with their intended and never gave the handsome sable haired man more than a glance.

I feel this needs more explanation and doesn't seem to make much sense. Is it usual for a woman in Ireland to sit with her intended and look at other men, let alone leave with them? Also 'handsome sable haired man' reads awkward to me, especially when describing a drunkard and seems incongruous to the linguistic style which, when one gets used to it flows nicely and helps to set the scene.

I think that effort should have been made here to help describe Liam to the reader and help explain his subsequent, and probably previous actions. I would be more interested to know why his soul is tortured or disturbed, rather than knowing that he is (rather boringly) handsome.

But, as I say, a good short story with a good twist.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Neatly done. I mean, you got me.

I can't pick out any major problems in the story, alothough I do agree with Gabriel Lee that Liam's character and overall description is not very clear and needs to be cleaned up.

I sympathize with you over having to work in dialect. I'm certainly not the one to tell Mary Riley how Irismen talk, but a lot of their words seemed more Scottish than Irish to me: lass, Nae, tae, dunnae.

The dialect would been easier to accept if the time period had been nailed down at the start of the story. I didn't notice any good clues as to what era the story was set in, and every so often a contemporary word or phrase would pop up so that I assumed the story was contemporary as well.

You're a good enough writer so that the only way we could help you is by doing an edit of the story. There are some awkward sentences, some unusual or inappropriate word choices that would have to dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

Example: here's an excerpt:
-----------------------
The two walked out into the damp night air, arm in arm as Maura continued to entice Liam in conversation. They headed down an overgrown trail, thick with vegetation and a lavish canopy of trees overhead. Pale moonlight streamed down through a scattering of the bare branches.
-------------------------
Do you mean "entice" or do you mean "engage". If the former, then I don't think "in" is the right preposition. You entice someone with something.
Now: what time of year is it? The "overgrown trail" suggests summer, but the "bare branches" suggest winter.

There's a bnunch of these niggling little things that only an editor could deal with. (Such as a wrong word in the very first sentence)

But like I say, I was surprised.

---dr.M.

 

[Mary Riley]

Thank you both for your suggestions. I am attempting now to write a story set in Wales, so I will be sure to remember your advice on description, sentences, and dialect. Although I had role played a midieval Cymraes (Welshwoman) for over three years, I don't think it would hurt to do a bit more research.

Also, I had emailed three or four of the volunteer editors in the past without ever getting a single response. Is there anyone either of you would know that you could recommend for volunteer editing?

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

Is there anyone either of you would know that you could recommend for volunteer editing?

Personally, I don't use an editor myself. Maybe I should, but I don't, so I cannot easily recommend anyone. I would be quite happy to try my hand at it, if you wished, though.

For a couple of examples of my style, try:

Incubus

and/or

Strangers On A Train

I won't be offended if it is not to your taste, but if it is, you are welcome to get in touch.

GL

 

[silversword]

this is my first response to another authors work and must say that I enjoyed your first foray into erotic horror very much.

I thoughtfully written peice, and for a regular visitor to the emerald isle very a convincing dialouge. The twist at the end as you had hoped was unexpected and closed it off brilliantly

My first story is currently awaiting posting and I am in the process of writing my second. Thoughts for more and spinning round my head and I hope feedback to my early post with help these ideas to fruitition.


Silver

 

[Mary Riley]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.