Erica The Edited: Part Two

[PrevertOne]

Finally! It's posted. The edit was delayed due to communication issues between Yahoo Mail and AOL. Deepest thanks to Tucker McCallahan for the edit. Feedback is appreciated. Hope you enjoy https://www.literotica.com/s/erica-the-edited-pt-02

 

[PrevertOne]

Kind of like many movie sequels, I guess.

Well it's been over a day and it looks like lightning doesn't strike twice. The story's doing well but no better than most my other postings. Seems to be peaking early, less votes with lower ratings. The first part was a fluke I guess. I'm still scratching my head. The second part seems to have boosted the first part a bit. The lower performance could be from the thing I hadn't tried before. It's the first story I wrote depicting a same sex relationship among men. I wish I had feedback. I'd really like to know how I did.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I'll give them a read tonight and try to wrote something up for you tonight.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The lower performance could be from the thing I hadn't tried before. It's the first story I wrote depicting a same sex relationship among men. I wish I had feedback. I'd really like to know how I did.

Without reading the story (Mind Control is of no interest to me), there's a clue right there: you have a story with Erica in the title, yet the reader finds man on man action? Many readers will back out as soon as they realise what you've written.

I had a minor hit with an older man younger woman story not so long ago, wrote a sequel with the same characters and introduced her boyfriend and a three-way. The sequel tanked - a tenth the number of views. Wrote a third part in the same series, same older man, different younger woman, bingo, high views, high scores.

Seems many readers don't like gay action so much, especially when not announced.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I have two big problems with this story. I read the entire first chapter and the first page of the second chapter.

The first problem is the mechanic you used for the mind control. I think you needed to spend more time considering how you express external dialogue, internal monologue, and Cameron's mental powers. Double quotes should only ever be used for words being said out loud. The reader, when reading something, will see " and assume that everything after that is being said out loud. When you introduce a ," she thought, you force the reader to back up and redact the mental image you have building. Now the thing they thought was said out loud wasn't, and they have to change the way they're painting listeners reactions.

When someone is saying something in quotes, like "I like chocolate", you cannot interrupt the continuity of the quotation marks. "I like chocolate BALLS" reads as someone saying "i like chocolate" and then shouting "BALLS" at the very end. No one will read the bolded words as not having been said out loud. Ergo, you cannot interject Cameron's suggestions into dialogue. You need to break up the dialogue. "I don't really know who you are," Don't worry about that "or where we are," You're safe "but something tells me to trust you." Good girl.

I get that you were trying to blur the lines between external and internal monologues, but you shot yourself in the foot by blurring what was basically the very first bits of dialogue in the story. You have to have black and white established as such first before turning them into gray means anything.

The second problem is with the way you established Erica. Making her a victim in your opening creates feelings of empathy and support in the mind of your reader. You have established that she is a wounded animal. Others have done her wrong. Given your beginning, it would have been appropriate for her to develop mind control powers and turn her own life around.

But you didn't. You took a wounded animal and kicked it repeatedly. If you had just not said anything about who Erica was or what had been done to her, OR made her into someone to be despised and whose downfall would be cheered, that would have been better.

What you're setting yourself up for, in the story you wrote here, is that you have characters who are unable to function without Cameron's direct influence. Yes, you gave Erica a better job, but how could she possibly execute this job now? You've reduced your character to a meat puppet, and while anal fisting is always a fun story element, I don't think that's what you really wanted to do here.

Like EB66 said, naming your story after a woman and then pulling a gotcha with gay sex that doesn't involve her at all is asking to be scored low. It's not that you included gay sex, it's that that wasn't part of the deal in the beginning because you literally named it after a woman. If you had named it something more nebulous, or after Cameron, you would still likely be getting a lower score in the second chapter, but it wouldn't be quite so low.

 

[PrevertOne]

My response to the critique.

Thanks very much Awkward. It speaks to the kind of feedback I look for. A good critique to point out issues. You make some good points. I have some small points myself. In regard to the mechanic for mind control. I was wondering if the problem was with the second story rather than the first. The first story has 20+ thousand hits so my assumption is the readers didn't have issues with how I differentiated between mind control, inner thoughts, and regular speech. I believe my mistakes may have lain with the second story. I was a bit rushed with that. It had taken a while for the editor to get the story to me, due to communication problems between Yahoo email and AOL. I was too anxious to post so I think I made stylistic mistakes in incorporating the editor's ideas.

As for Erica. Much of the mind control genre, its basic premise perhaps, is about sociopaths dominating other people through various psychic, technological, chemical, or psychological means. If she becomes a meat puppet its, well, the Mind Control genre. Victimization and puppetry are major subjects. It's why MC fans read the story. I refer to the first story. There would be fewer hits if people had issues with Erica's subjection. If readers have issues, they might more likely come from outside the MC spectrum. Moreover, Erica is not exactly a puppet. There are different types of mind control. A dominator, as I would call it, turns people into puppets, fully controlling everything they do. Cameron Hayes is a seducer/corruptor. He breaks down barriers and plants suggestions, weaving his ideas into his victims' personalities so, even though they know what he his and does, they accept it. Other than that aspect, his victims function very well independently. Cameron keeps a very long leash. He may have no morals but he has some ethics.

My general impression is the poorer response to the second story comes from, perhaps, the stylistic mistakes and the shift to the gay relationship between Bobby and Cameron. It's where the story went however. In the third part I suspect I will try to balance the relationships among the three characters.

Once again, I thank you for the critique. It was very good feedback.

I have two big problems with this story. I read the entire first chapter and the first page of the second chapter.

The first problem is the mechanic you used for the mind control. I think you needed to spend more time considering how you express external dialogue, internal monologue, and Cameron's mental powers. Double quotes should only ever be used for words being said out loud. The reader, when reading something, will see " and assume that everything after that is being said out loud. When you introduce a ," she thought, you force the reader to back up and redact the mental image you have building. Now the thing they thought was said out loud wasn't, and they have to change the way they're painting listeners reactions.

When someone is saying something in quotes, like "I like chocolate", you cannot interrupt the continuity of the quotation marks. "I like chocolate BALLS" reads as someone saying "i like chocolate" and then shouting "BALLS" at the very end. No one will read the bolded words as not having been said out loud. Ergo, you cannot interject Cameron's suggestions into dialogue. You need to break up the dialogue. "I don't really know who you are," Don't worry about that "or where we are," You're safe "but something tells me to trust you." Good girl.

I get that you were trying to blur the lines between external and internal monologues, but you shot yourself in the foot by blurring what was basically the very first bits of dialogue in the story. You have to have black and white established as such first before turning them into gray means anything.

The second problem is with the way you established Erica. Making her a victim in your opening creates feelings of empathy and support in the mind of your reader. You have established that she is a wounded animal. Others have done her wrong. Given your beginning, it would have been appropriate for her to develop mind control powers and turn her own life around.

But you didn't. You took a wounded animal and kicked it repeatedly. If you had just not said anything about who Erica was or what had been done to her, OR made her into someone to be despised and whose downfall would be cheered, that would have been better.

What you're setting yourself up for, in the story you wrote here, is that you have characters who are unable to function without Cameron's direct influence. Yes, you gave Erica a better job, but how could she possibly execute this job now? You've reduced your character to a meat puppet, and while anal fisting is always a fun story element, I don't think that's what you really wanted to do here.

Like EB66 said, naming your story after a woman and then pulling a gotcha with gay sex that doesn't involve her at all is asking to be scored low. It's not that you included gay sex, it's that that wasn't part of the deal in the beginning because you literally named it after a woman. If you had named it something more nebulous, or after Cameron, you would still likely be getting a lower score in the second chapter, but it wouldn't be quite so low.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Generally, when your views drop off after a certain chapter, it's not the new chapter but the one before it that is tripping you up. Like, they read chapter 1 but didn't like it, and they're not going to give chapter 2 a chance. That's the typical pattern.

Much of the mind control genre, its basic premise perhaps, is about sociopaths dominating other people through various psychic, technological, chemical, or psychological means. If she becomes a meat puppet its, well, the Mind Control genre.

Don't do this. Don't excuse yourself from needing to have plot, or well developed characters because you think your genre doesn't tolerate it. If this is your answer, why did you include any information about Erica at all? If all anyone cares about is the slow death of her personality and everything that makes her 'her', why are you painting such a vivid picture?

Imagine if you did a quick rewrite of this and inserted Kermit the frog in place of Erica. Kermit loses his job (because it's not easy being green), loses Miss Piggy, and NBC cancels his show. Then, just when he thinks things can't get worse (despite his upbeat attitude), Cameton Hayes screws with his mind. People would still read it, right? If the MC genre is really only about "sociopaths dominating other people through various psychic, technological, chemical, or psychological means", then why is Erica good looking? Why does that matter? If it's ONLY about the control, then why are you including this backstory?

My argument is, of course, fallacious, and my point is that characters matter. Character backstory matters. It's bad storytelling to just insert any old character with any old history. Pick something appropriate.

Readers want to relate to stories. They do that through the characters. That's why, in most non-human stories, the main character is still human. They provide a point of relatability that the reader can experience the rest of the story through.

 

[PrevertOne]

I don't think I was excusing myself, necessarily. I was just trying to say the MC genre had certain themes and, from the responses from other readers to MC stories, expectations. I don't think I should have been so simplistic about the MC genre in my response. If there are rules they're made to be broken. I'm trying to say plot, character, and story development can be done within the context of the genre. Creating backstories for the characters makes the story interesting for the writer as well as the reader. If I made Erica any old character she wouldn't be interesting, and I'd have no reason to write the story. My basic theme is one I explore in all my stories: how encounters with the strange, or the Other, change people. The story is not finished so the story and characters might change and evolve still.

Don't do this. Don't excuse yourself from needing to have plot, or well developed characters because you think your genre doesn't tolerate it. If this is your answer, why did you include any information about Erica at all? If all anyone cares about is the slow death of her personality and everything that makes her 'her', why are you painting such a vivid picture?

Imagine if you did a quick rewrite of this and inserted Kermit the frog in place of Erica. Kermit loses his job (because it's not easy being green), loses Miss Piggy, and NBC cancels his show. Then, just when he thinks things can't get worse (despite his upbeat attitude), Cameton Hayes screws with his mind. People would still read it, right? If the MC genre is really only about "sociopaths dominating other people through various psychic, technological, chemical, or psychological means", then why is Erica good looking? Why does that matter? If it's ONLY about the control, then why are you including this backstory?

My argument is, of course, fallacious, and my point is that characters matter. Character backstory matters. It's bad storytelling to just insert any old character with any old history. Pick something appropriate.

Readers want to relate to stories. They do that through the characters. That's why, in most non-human stories, the main character is still human. They provide a point of relatability that the reader can experience the rest of the story through.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Creating backstories for the characters makes the story interesting for the writer as well as the reader. If I made Erica any old character she wouldn't be interesting, and I'd have no reason to write the story.

It is my assertion that you actually did make Erica "any old character". You painted her as the victim of misogyny or, at best, not being a member of the penis club, and then placed her in the path of a sociopath. That's a shitty 1-2 punch no matter what.

Imagine Erica is Bambi. Some jackass comes along and shoots Bambi's mother. Fine. The movie is then about Bambi survivng awful circumstances and making new friends.

In this metaphor, you made a different hunter come along and shoot Bambi too. Slowly.

It is important to understand how backstory and emotional arcs affect characters as a means of allowing them to grow. Even if that growth means they turn into the antagonists semi-willing cumslut.