Erection Problem When Swinging

[cassieh]

We are in our mid to late 40s and have been together for over 25 years. I had more partners than him before we were married. He has always wanted me to tell him about past experiences, and gets super excited when I will talk about a past partner.

He wanted to swing for years. I finally relented, and we have been swinging off and on for a little over 4 years. We have done the swingers club, house party, hotel party, and just meeting people (both couples and singles). We have a good time, although the fantasy is often better than the reality.

There is one issue I don't understand, he has difficulty getting an erection when we are in a swinging situation, be it swapping with another couple, or with a single guy(s). Yet he is the one who arranges all meetings and enjoys what we are doing. When we are finally alone he gets very hard and we have good sex.

The last time we were with a couple, I had to take him to the bathroom and play with him/talk dirty to get him hard. His sex with the partner was better and longer than than I had that night(but I had lots of fun).

This past weekend we were with a single guy (we are not into any guy on guy stuff), and it was fun. He picked out the guy and got along well with him. Both took time kissing, touching, sucking my tits, and eating me. I sucked both of them, and the single guy fucked me for a while before I finished him with my mouth. During the entire time, my husband never got hard. When the guy left he got hard almost instantly and told me how hot it was to watch, and we had fantastic sex.

The situation is always the same. He is excited for us to swap, he tells me how much he enjoys it, doesn't get hard when we are with someone (he feels bad about that and stresses about it), then when we are alone he is rock hard and we have really good sex.

He will tell me how much he enjoyed watching me, which is evident from his erection. He also apologizes for letting me down. I reassure him it is fine and that he always satisfies me in the end.

I have fun, but it would be nice for him to get hard and join in. Yet I know at the end he is going to give me better sex than I have had with the other person.

Any suggestions on him getting hard when we are swapping?

 

[Mrskatg]

He may be the type that needs to sit back and watch for a little bit before he jumps in. Seems like he is more into watching you have fun then actually participating in a threes omega or swap. May just simple be that he doesn't want another women to sleep with just to watch you have fun.

 

[peterthelicker]

Shy Dick.... I've experienced it. I think it's somewhat common in swinging. Highly frustrating.

 

[HoldYouDown]

It's a subconscious thing. His hindbrain possibly sees another man and thinks "threat." Or he feels (again subconsciously) he has been reduced in status if that makes sense. Evolutionary hard wiring.

But if you're both enjoying yourselves, what's the problem?

 

[holliday1960]

There are only two people qualified to answer the question of why he responds in this way; a qualified psychologist or your husband, himself. Until you know why, you may not be able to "fix" the situation.
Because it happens with both male and female partners, could be your husband just has performance anxiety. Or, it could be that just too much is going on at one time. Some people have trouble focusing on their own pleasure if they are distracted. A third possibility is that, as you said, the reality doesnt live up to the fantasy, and if that is the case, then perhaps something is missing in your lover's idea of what the encounter should be.
Talk to him. Try to find out what he expects or what his idea of a perfect arrangement would be. He may or may not tell you. People are funny about their private thoughts, and sometimes revealing those to anyone else takes away from the enjoyment. Or, he may be afraid to tell you because you might reject the idea of what he truly likes to see and hear.
No one knows his triggers more than you do. Think about them, the phrases or words he likes to hear or say to you during an especially enjoyable encounter when you two are alone. Things he does often during sex...then you could perhaps tell the other party(ies) privately to use the same techniques when having sex with you.
There are a lot of people who enjoy swinging, swapping, groups...but for many, such as myself, three or more is simply a crowd. The idea is exciting, but the real thing is just a flop.
(I just asked my own hubby about this, and the first thing he said was, 'performance anxiety' and he said a lot of porn stars have this problem as well, and they admit it is very difficult to overcome.) So you have two opinions, and neither are professional, for whatever it's worth. Good luck!

 

[RipRespon]

Performance anxiety is most likely the cause. I went through a phase where the same thing would happen to me, especially after I reached 40. I could be watching my sexy wife seducing, stripping, and then fucking other men (my ultimate fantasy) and my dick being completely out of order. Very frustrating.

What helped me was Viagra. Just a little would do, since I didn't really need it. After getting erect a few times in swinging situations, I no longer need the Viagra. Poof...anxiety gone. Well...most of the time anyway. I'd carry some with me just in case. Only takes 15 min if you chew a small chunk off a 50mg pill.

 

[CindyCD478]

Never had the problem and hope I never do. We go to many bisexual swinging parties and I never have a problem getting it up for guys or gals.

 

[cassieh]

Thank you for the feedback. He says he worries about not being able to get it up or cumming to fast (not a problem).

His ideal thing to do in a mfm would be dp, but we can't do that with hom not getting up.

I guess maybe we'll try some pills to see if that helps.

 

[FreakyPythonz]

Definitely anxiety. May I ask his size? reason i ask is, were the other men bigger? Sometimes that can play mind games with a hubby.

Cialis is the best

 

[cassieh]

Definitely anxiety. May I ask his size? reason i ask is, were the other men bigger? Sometimes that can play mind games with a hubby.

Cialis is the best

He is a little over six inches with decent girth. Not the biggest or smallest I've ever had, but he is the best. Most in the swinging have been about the same size or smaller. One was noticeably bigger. He is turned on at the thought of me having bigger. With the couples he has been bigger than the other guys.

I think he is worried he won't get it up before we ever start, and he is defeated at the beginning. I wish I could do something to change that.

 

[LincolnDuncan]

We are in our mid to late 40s and have been together for over 25 years. I had more partners than him before we were married. He has always wanted me to tell him about past experiences, and gets super excited when I will talk about a past partner.

He wanted to swing for years. I finally relented, and we have been swinging off and on for a little over 4 years. We have done the swingers club, house party, hotel party, and just meeting people (both couples and singles). We have a good time, although the fantasy is often better than the reality.

There is one issue I don't understand, he has difficulty getting an erection when we are in a swinging situation, be it swapping with another couple, or with a single guy(s). Yet he is the one who arranges all meetings and enjoys what we are doing. When we are finally alone he gets very hard and we have good sex.

The last time we were with a couple, I had to take him to the bathroom and play with him/talk dirty to get him hard. His sex with the partner was better and longer than than I had that night(but I had lots of fun).

This past weekend we were with a single guy (we are not into any guy on guy stuff), and it was fun. He picked out the guy and got along well with him. Both took time kissing, touching, sucking my tits, and eating me. I sucked both of them, and the single guy fucked me for a while before I finished him with my mouth. During the entire time, my husband never got hard. When the guy left he got hard almost instantly and told me how hot it was to watch, and we had fantastic sex.

The situation is always the same. He is excited for us to swap, he tells me how much he enjoys it, doesn't get hard when we are with someone (he feels bad about that and stresses about it), then when we are alone he is rock hard and we have really good sex.

He will tell me how much he enjoyed watching me, which is evident from his erection. He also apologizes for letting me down. I reassure him it is fine and that he always satisfies me in the end.

I have fun, but it would be nice for him to get hard and join in. Yet I know at the end he is going to give me better sex than I have had with the other person.

Any suggestions on him getting hard when we are swapping?

I'm far from being qualified but based on what you've posted, I'll take a guess. Does he really enjoy having sex with other women or is the turn on for him to know that you've been with another man? If you told him it was fine with you if he had sex alone with other women, would he enjoy that?

 

[cassieh]

I'm far from being qualified but based on what you've posted, I'll take a guess. Does he really enjoy having sex with other women or is the turn on for him to know that you've been with another man? If you told him it was fine with you if he had sex alone with other women, would he enjoy that?

He would be very fine having sex alone with another woman, even has pointed out a few he would like to (neighbors, friends, exes), I am not ok with that at this point. I could be ok with separate rooms, but not with me being left out entirely.

He is a turned on by me doing others.

 

[Wildecouple]

Been there, got the t-shirt. For me it was performance anxiety. It's one of those things that the more you worry about it the worse it gets. Also dont overthink it, its not helpful.

For me the turning point was taking 1/4 viagra and that little help cleared the worry and rebuilt my confidence, which meant I could just enjoy the experiences. Hope you find your way.