Er, am I doing this right?

[cheekieboy]

Hi, just thought I would say, er, Hi! Not sure if i am doing this right or not as I've not posted here before and is it me or is it really confusing?
Anyway, I'm 37 and I've been really interested in BDSM for about 20 years but because I have always felt really embarrassed about it, I have pretty much kept it to myself. I have a very understanding partner who is happy for me to play with a Domme but I can't find one that doesn't live absolutely miles away and costs a small fortune! Plus I was hoping it would become a regular thing and I feel that if someone doesn't charge for it, then they are more likely to be doing it for their enjoyment too. I have also recently joined a munch group, but I still cannot tell anyone what I like! How can I be helped if I can't say what I would like to experience? And before you ask, I can't write it down either! What a prune eh? Oh well. Time for some more vanilla ice-cream....

 

[tealsphynx]

well welcome to the boards...I suprized no one has replied yet. Uhm, maybe some of the reason you have trouble communicating what you want is that you don't fully accept what you feel in yourself. And alot of it is societally based. While it's ok to fantasize it's not ok to actually do it kinda thing. It's still a "taboo" do you have problems expressing what you want with "vanilla" sex? though vanilla is less taboo and more acceptable. maybe you should take some time reflecting about what you want, maybe browsing the story section and reading about different fantasies, and as you notice your response to differnt things bookmark the story so you can have there in someone elses words that you like it. Or even browse a BDSM checklist, I found it very liberating. In the library sticky there should be a thread with links to differetn checklists, they may help you because they are in writing about the different types of desires, all you have to do is label wheather or not you like the idea of it.

 

[DVS]

Hi, just thought I would say, er, Hi! Not sure if i am doing this right or not as I've not posted here before and is it me or is it really confusing?
Anyway, I'm 37 and I've been really interested in BDSM for about 20 years but because I have always felt really embarrassed about it, I have pretty much kept it to myself. I have a very understanding partner who is happy for me to play with a Domme but I can't find one that doesn't live absolutely miles away and costs a small fortune! Plus I was hoping it would become a regular thing and I feel that if someone doesn't charge for it, then they are more likely to be doing it for their enjoyment too. I have also recently joined a munch group, but I still cannot tell anyone what I like! How can I be helped if I can't say what I would like to experience? And before you ask, I can't write it down either! What a prune eh? Oh well. Time for some more vanilla ice-cream....

Some people will tell you, as with many things, when the time comes, you will be able to express your desires. That's true to a point, but also with many things you might need to give it a little help.

Having this knowledge in your head for 20 years and not being able to really get out what you want can become a bit of a mental wall. Mostly, don't dwell on it not happening, and just let things happen in that Munch group. If those people are friendly and curious, someone will warm up to you and eventually you can start talking about things.

Trust me, other people are just as nervous as you are, when first talking to someone about their kinks. Just try and put that aside and go with the flow. Remember the old saying "a watched pot never boils" doesn't have to be talking about water. It could be your self control about expressing your needs and desires.

Let go of some of that control, and allow yourself to be embarassed for a short time. That short time will be a millisecond compared to the fun time you will be having when you find someone who can give you what you crave.

Go ahead. Put some chocolate surup on that vanilla ice cream!

 

[Andante]

Welcome to the boards, cheekieboy.
It was nice meeting you at the Cambridge munch last tuesday

 

[chris9]

Hi, just thought I would say, er, Hi! Not sure if i am doing this right or not as I've not posted here before and is it me or is it really confusing?
Anyway, I'm 37 and I've been really interested in BDSM for about 20 years but because I have always felt really embarrassed about it, I have pretty much kept it to myself. I have a very understanding partner who is happy for me to play with a Domme but I can't find one that doesn't live absolutely miles away and costs a small fortune! Plus I was hoping it would become a regular thing and I feel that if someone doesn't charge for it, then they are more likely to be doing it for their enjoyment too. I have also recently joined a munch group, but I still cannot tell anyone what I like! How can I be helped if I can't say what I would like to experience? And before you ask, I can't write it down either! What a prune eh? Oh well. Time for some more vanilla ice-cream....

It does sound like you made a start Welcome to the boards!
What DVS wrote about the mental block of 20 years it probably very just. Only because you now started slowly talking about it (with you wife), attending a munch, joining this board doesn't mean you have to (or will) jump into action right away with the first available Domme. If you waited 20 years, it won't be too hard to wait a little time to get comfortable and accept yourself, your sexuality.