Epoch - feedback, please

[miss_mystery]

Hey all,
I haven't been round these forums in quite a while.

Would love your responses, and critiques, if there are any to be had.

Thanks,

MM


Epoch

I am molten, incandescent in the act of love
and swollen with you. After, sheets bunched
like snow-drifts around our thighs, you withdraw
from me the way that glaciers recede from continents

as though to take a knife kept in a bed-side drawer
and carve runnels and tender canyons
into my flesh. They bleed, weep, and heal: thin ridges
that curl over the topography of my belly, breasts,
and face. You chart your way back
each time—my body a map of scars I bear

for you, that you love me in a way that no-one else will
have me, after you. In time, I will forget
how earth crumbled beneath the weight of winter.
I will remember thaw, how frost-melt floods
the river-banks; and drought,
how lakes are swallowed whole. Someday soon,

I will take up the knife and love you, too.

 

[DeepUnderground]

Nice work. Very evocative imagery.

 

[remove090809]

wow, this is pretty dam good.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

A very clever idea I stumbled a bit on the third stanza the first two lines seem to have too many 'yous'

 

[BooMerengue]

I love this too. 'Specially the ending. I love certain endings. But do you mean Epoch or Epic?

 

[miss_mystery]

So, thanks folks for the feedback.

And Boo - I meant 'Epoch'. If I'd meant 'Epic', I would quite probably have used that latter word instead of the former.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

Epoch

I am molten, incandescent in the act of love
and swollen with you. After, sheets bunched
like snow-drifts around our thighs, you withdraw
from me the way that glaciers recede from continents

as though to take a knife kept in a bed-side drawer
and carve runnels and tender canyons
into my flesh. They bleed, weep, and heal: thin ridges
that curl over the topography of my belly, breasts,
and face. You chart your way back
each time—my body a map of scars I bear

for you, that you love me in a way that no-one else will
have me, after you. In time, I will forget
how earth crumbled beneath the weight of winter.
I will remember thaw, how frost-melt floods
the river-banks; and drought,
how lakes are swallowed whole. Someday soon,

I will take up the knife and love you, too.

I like the way you have built and extended the metaphor. It seems tricky to make the leap from glacier to knife, the deeper part of it works very well for me, it's interesting that you say "to take" instead of "you take a knife" or even "as though taking a knife". It's an unusual sentence construction, I believe. I might be wrong about that. I guess it goes with the "As though". I never use As though, I always use As if, I don't know why. The bed-side drawer might or might not be a distraction, it anchors the scene in a location, kind of like the sheets. I like that.

After reading over it a few times, I agree with the previous poster who thought the third paragraph was a bit more challenging for the reader. I wasn't sure what to make of the earth crumbling beneath the snow, on further reflection, I suppose that is the way the earth is changed, molded, by snow and ice. I like that I haven't thought of that before but your poem made me think of it. And the part about the drought swallowing up the lake works well as the almost ending, it is a rather abrupt departure from the rest of the poem which seems to be all about an abundance of water in a way. I wonder why the thought or feeling goes from the drought to the role reversal?

Also, if you wanted to, you could start the poem with Sheets bunched, or You withdraw.

All in all, I think it is a very nice poem. I read it all the way through. I wish I could do metaphors half as well. Good job!

 

[cutestguy]

Hey all,
I haven't been round these forums in quite a while.

Would love your responses, and critiques, if there are any to be had.

Thanks,

MM


Epoch

I am molten, incandescent in the act of love
and swollen with you. After, sheets bunched
like snow-drifts around our thighs, you withdraw
from me the way that glaciers recede from continents

as though to take a knife kept in a bed-side drawer
and carve runnels and tender canyons
into my flesh. They bleed, weep, and heal: thin ridges
that curl over the topography of my belly, breasts,
and face. You chart your way back
each time—my body a map of scars I bear

for you, that you love me in a way that no-one else will
have me, after you. In time, I will forget
how earth crumbled beneath the weight of winter.
I will remember thaw, how frost-melt floods
the river-banks; and drought,
how lakes are swallowed whole. Someday soon,

I will take up the knife and love you, too.

Hello Miss Mystery

your poem is really a good work of words and it would look good if you edited and formatted the way it looks - lines and blocks. Please try to keep the lines in order and it would look better !. If you need help, please let me know.