Epiphanies

[TheEarl]

I've just realised something. I want to have kids.

This may not sound like a shock announcement ("Thousands of years of genetic programming and you've only just realised?") and I certainly don't want them right at this moment, but it's something of a surprise to me how strongly I feel about it.

My former Lady hated the idea of kids. Hated the idea of being pregnant; the very thought made her nauseous. I loved her and I couldn't ever see an end to our relationship and so I kinda convinced myself that I didn't like the idea of kids either. I liked other peoples and I'd be happy to babysit when my sisters and friends had kids, but I wouldn't want any of my own. I can barely be trusted to look after a kitten, let alone a child. I was terrible at my brief attempt at teaching on my gap year and children wreck your life, tearing it apart and leaving you with no time, money or life. Why the hell would I want children?

Now I'm single and not bound by her opinion anymore. I just realised today. I want children. I want a little boy whom I can teach how to catch a rugby ball and to whom I can pass along my appalling cricketting technique. I want a little girl whom I can teach how to swim and be very liberal and open-minded about when she grows up (although I suspect not too liberal ). I want to tell bedtime stories with the funny voices, I want to help them build train sets and to dive out the way when they take a shot at goal when we're playing football in the park. I want to teach them everything I know and to know them at the stage when they think I am the most knowledgeable person in the world.

Of course I want kids. I'm amazed at how I could have blinded myself.

Anyone else had a moment like this?

The Earl

 

[mack_the_knife]

You can borrow mine for a few days. The urge will pass.

No, actually, despite the biological imperative of children, they are actually more fun to have about than not, I think. It is amazing watching them grow from infants to toddlers, to small children, and I'm hoping, beyond that.

The chance to teach someone who truly does not know, and to watch realiziation dawn in their eyes is amazing, and I can see the thing teachers find appealing in their jobs. My older daughter is becoming such a, well, person, now, that it is a pleasure to behold. She simply out and says something insightful, or sarcastic, or even funny, and my heart swells with pride knowing that I helped her get to that spot.

I hope that life for her, as she grows older (and for my younger daughter, as well), is better, more interesting, and more rewarding than mine has been.

If/When you have kids you'll find them a pain in the ass, annoying, tiresome, troubling, worrysome, and wondrous. Usually in the span of 10 minutes.

Now, my daughter just asked me to read her the story I've been writing...time for some on the fly editing.

<edit> I suppose I should answer the question, though.
No. I always knew I wanted kids, just didn't know how many or with whom.
The how many ended up being two and the whom was my bride and editrix.

 

[TheEarl]

Now, my daughter just asked me to read her the story I've been writing...time for some on the fly editing.

<laughs> Tell me you're currently writing a Lit story.

Thanks.

The Earl

 

[impressive]

Expect the unexpected!

No, I didn't always want kids. Until my first was born, I'd never held a baby ... never babysat, either. I was a TOTAL novice at child care. But that was the easy part of parenting.

At times, the perpetual responsibility gets VERY old ... but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. They are wonderful, interesting human beings who enrich the world ... and, by our parenting, they will also grow to set examples of tolerance.

 

[English Lady]

I've always wanted kids so no epiphanies for me in that regard.

One of my major epiphanies was deciding i didn't want to teach. As i grew up i always wanted to be a primary school teacher, work experience, hobbies all pointed to it, I get to uni and start doing the damn course and I realise I hate it, I don't want ot have to do all the damn paper work, I don't want to be a teacher.


Bugger.


I've still not decided what I actually want to be. I'm a full time mum now and thats all i want to be now, but what will I want to be when Beths gone to school? I'll have to hope for another epiphany...

 

[impressive]

... but what will I want to be when Beths gone to school?

Um ... an author?

 

[SensualCealy]

Hey Earl,

Im with Imp, I love my kids to death and would kill for them, honest I would!
But there are days I tell ya, I'd trade them in for chickens I could roast! For instance, taking a short drive, 5 mins to be exact to my dad's for fathers day. Daughter in her wisdom put carbonated pop in a ('sucky' type) gatorade bottle. Everytime she opened it to take a drink it sprayed, of course spraying my son. He wacked her while she was drinking, banging her lips against her teeth with the bottle. 5 MINUTES thats all it took to bust my mood!

Then coming next week I will be all a blubber when my eldest graduates from grade 8. He is my little boy and always will be, its hard to believe it only takes a few years for them to think for themselves. Now Im not saying what they think is right, but they can do it if they choose to.

One thing, dont set aside things you want to teach them, show each and everyone everything you can do and let them pick what they want. It is amazing what they will do if its their idea!

I loved being pregnant, and everything else, its the laundry, dishes and cleaning I could do without, but hey now they are early teenagers, thats what I have them for! lmao

Good luck, and make sure she is the one before you decide to have kids. Dont follow the ideas or dreams of others just to be with that person, be yourself and move on.

Happy searching and dont forget to practice!
C

 

[cloudy]

I'm like Imp - I never wanted kids. I was set on having a career, etc., and getting ahead in the world.

But, also like Imp said, they're wonderful, amazing little people. Watching them grow to be loving, intelligent grown-ups is very fulfilling. Yes, the responsibility wears, at times, but that's what child-free vacations are for.

 

[logophile]

My oldest daughter is on the verge of puberty. We have our moments, to be sure. And still she is the most amazing thing!

We just returned home from a trip to California where we were visiting my dad. He's made a real effort in the last year to be a decent guy, but has recently stopped taking the meds that were keeping him level and was a complete ass for most of our trip.

My daughter was patient, respectful and well-behaved even in the face of his worst moods. She didn't contradict him or talk back even in situations where I was tempted to do so myself. She would take a deep breath, look at me and get herself in check. I was so proud of her.

On our journey home, she was also polite to everyone we encountered and even played with 2 year old and 4 year old boys at one of our gates while waiting for our plane. They were singing the Star Wars theme and playing with Star Wars figures. Their very pregnant mother was clearly all in, and needed a break. As they sitting very near us, it was easy for my girl to pop her head up and entertain them for a while, and she was happy to do it. Just because she thought it might help the mom.

I her. It just gets better and better!

Earl - I'm so glad to hear of your epiphany. Our conversations lead me to believe you'll be a very good father when your time comes!

 

[Liar]

I've wanted to one day have a family of my own for as long as I can remember. But I've never been in a hurry to actually get one, saying that I'd better enjoy being young and unbound before settling down. What I'm beginning to realise it that if I don't change stuff in my life, I'll be enjoying my "youth" until the day I croak. Of course, nothing is stopping me from waiting another decade or two, I can still make toddlers and raise them into teens.

But I want to do more than that, I want to be attend their weddings, play with toddler grandkids, show teenage grandkids that I still know what's cool...basically, see two generations ahead and knowing that they're ok when I'm done meddling. This means that I don't want to be a too old dad. Ten years is the maximum I'll wait, and the clock is ticking.

#L

 

[Softouch911]

Years ago, Earl, I had exactly the same epiphany. I was a freelance writer at the time and the decision, because of the "erratic" nature of the $$$ in that profession, lead me to give up my career passion.

In case you're wondering, it was the best decision I've ever made. I've never done anything as intense, or enjoyable, or demanding, or frustrating, or humbling, or loving as parenting. I have enjoyed it immensely.

I actually thought it stopped when the kids would be "on their own." Hogwash, it keeps going, though they live thousands of miles away. And when they call late at night seeking what they euphemistically call "adivce," it's still like you are hearing them cry in the middle of the night in the next room.

But having them gone does allow for one thing: I'm back to my writing! And looking for the live, other than them, that I've always wanted.

Good luck. I hope your experience is as good as mine. As others have said, it is hard, and we've all known people for whom it is tragic.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I keep waiting for the message. Yes. No. Either, given clearly, would be welcome.

No epiphany to date. I have my hunches.

Shanglan

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Don't have children until you're pretty much done with your life, because your life will never be entirely your own again.

Nothing in life will change you as much as hearing that first cry. Nothing will ever be the same again.

 

[AppleBiter]

My husband just recently had a very similar epiphany. We've been married for 6 years and we've been together for almost 10. We've always talked about having children "someday." When we first got married, we were going to start having them around our 4th year of marriage. That time came and went and we decided we weren't ready yet. We were having too much fun enjoying each other.

Well, all these years, he has said he hates children. Not just doesn't like them, but HATES them. So, I was worried that he would never want to have them as much as he despises them. He said that he would be ready someday and that in his heart of hearts, he wanted children, just not any time soon.

I don't know if was babysitting our perfect little angel of a niece (she is a perfect little angel, I speak from 5 years of daycare experience! I know terror!) or what it was, but one day we were talking and he said, "Lately, I've been thinking a lot about our children. I have so many things I want to teach them and do with them. I'm ready to have kids now." I was shocked!

Anyway, he was expressing his desire to have them (which I am THRILLED about), but we decided it was best to wait another few years until we both finish college. It will still be a while, but there's something about just knowing that he shares the same dreams as me that warms my heart. *Yay! He wants to be a dad!*

So yes, Earl, I understand where you're coming from.

 

[Chimney Sweep]

I have wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember, so no epiphany for me. I highly recommend parenthood - it is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Having a child refocusses your life. Whatever was tops on your list of "important things" gets bumped down as baby moves to the top. The responsibility can be almost overwhelming, but the reward is so obvious, so immediate, so intense, that you barely notice. So many little things will bring tears to your eyes - when baby grabs on to your finger and holds tight, when the eyes start to ficus and you can tell the baby is really SEEING you and learning your face, when baby finds his/her voice (mine said "Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah!" for an hour in a Home Depot at the top of his lungs when he realized he could do that all by himself!) Every little thing becomes adorable and precious and reinforces how wonderful parenthood is.

My boy is 20 months old and I can't imagine how I lived so long without him.

 

[matriarch]

I never wanted children. Ever. And if I had my life again, I most certainly wouldn't. But, I was a niaive young woman, who didn't know how to argue her corner when the question arose, so I did the easiest thing.....I got pregnant. Not just once, but twice. I have no maternal instincts, I had had nothing to do with babies, and like Imp, never even held one.

That said, from the moment I held those two small bundles in my arms, I knew my life would NEVER be the same. The things they do to your heart is indescribable.

And now? I have two dear, dear friends, aged 29 and 25. They are two of the most wonderful, considerate, charming, amusing, intelligent, good company young men I have ever met. They care for and about me, make me laugh, NEVER make me feel like the old woman I am, are happy to include me in gatherings with their friends. The best compliment I was ever paid was by their friends, who told me I wasn't like a proper mum. I was cool.

I adore them, would do anything for them that they asked that was in my power. They were what held my very long marriage together, rather than pushed it apart.

That said, I still maintain. Have my life again, and there would be no kids for Mat. No sireee.

 

[gauchecritic]

Only one word of advice The (well maybe two or three or ...)

Kids won't do what you say, they will do what you do.

Be consistent. In everything but especially in discipline. (never, ever, ever, ever lash out)

Have your kids now (well not right now but as soon as you feel able) the extra responsibility is a great way of defining what is important.

Having kids soon gives you plenty of time to do those things you miss after they've left.

In raising kids the first thing (above) is the most important, children learn by example, and not just the example you show to them the example they notice when you think they aren't looking.

The only word of warning: be prepared for jealousy. Not theirs, yours.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

If you ever again want to:

sleep late
watch a complete television program
take a shit without an audience
eat a hot meal
have spontaneous sex
write more than a paragraph uninterrupted
go on a trip without packing for an army
find something exactly where you left it
have a phone conversation
just run to the store
keep any possessions in good condition
get up and walk across the room without having to explain where you're going
go to the supermarket without anyone weeping

You might want to think twice about becoming a parent

 

[impressive]

If you ever again want to:

sleep late
watch a complete television program
take a shit without an audience
eat a hot meal
have spontaneous sex
write more than a paragraph uninterrupted
go on a trip without packing for an army
find something exactly where you left it
have a phone conversation
just run to the store
keep any possessions in good condition
get up and walk across the room without having to explain where you're going
go to the supermarket without anyone weeping

You might want to think twice about becoming a parent

SOOOOOOOOOOO true!

 

[LadyJeanne]

Anyone else had a moment like this?

The Earl

I've had three moments like that, all involving sex.

I grew up in a traditional, conservative home where the concept of sex before marriage was completely out of the question. I went off to college firmly believing in that concept. A couple of years later, I realized that I had formed that belief totally based on my parents' views and that I, um, actually didn't want to wait until marriage because how could I decide to spend forever with someone I hadn't yet been intimate with????

Then came the orgasm epiphany. I had been having sex for a few months before I ever had my first orgasm, which I had by myself with that trusty shower attachment. Well. I realized that men get to feel like that all the time when they have sex, and dammit, it WAS NOT ok for me not to come. Yeah, sex can be terrific even without the orgasm, but I wanted way more orgasms than I was getting.

Finally, years later, I realized that men can 1) love a woman, 2) be attracted to a woman, 3) enjoy talking and hanging out with a woman, and 4) have the best fucking sex ever with a woman, but that does not necessarily mean they want to have a relationship or marry that woman.

 

[Black Tulip]

LOL This is a fun thread to read.

I never was interested in kids as a teenager, apart from a source of money by babysitting.
After that I was perfectly happy to be the favorite auntie with the nice presents and the great stories, till one day: kaboom!
I was 29 and I suddenly knew I wanted a kid of my own.
Being pregnant and giving birth were very fulfilling experiences and I would have liked to do it more than once. But hey, you can't have it all.

I'm not recommending my way, since I got pregnant without marrying and like others have said, the responsibility is a heavy burden at times. But I never, ever regretted the decision to include motherhood in my cv.
My son is now almost 20 and I am proud to see how he developed into a mature and considerate person.

Children are great, even if everything you say, can and will be used against you!

 

[McKenna]

Awww... this really warmed my heart to read.

I don't have an epiphany to share -unless you count the brilliant idea I had of chopping up my Dutch chocolate bars to use as "chips" for chocolate chip cookies.

I hope this epiphany helps you choose your next Lady wisely, one who wants more of the same things you do.

 

[cloudy]

If you ever again want to:

sleep late
watch a complete television program
take a shit without an audience
eat a hot meal
have spontaneous sex
write more than a paragraph uninterrupted
go on a trip without packing for an army
find something exactly where you left it
have a phone conversation
just run to the store
keep any possessions in good condition
get up and walk across the room without having to explain where you're going
go to the supermarket without anyone weeping

You might want to think twice about becoming a parent

Take a shower without someone needing something the minute you get in
have a conversation that isn't repeated verbatim to anyone that will listen

and good lord, don't be absent-minded and leave a toy or two out. (try explaining what it is to a five-year-old)

 

[impressive]

... and good lord, don't be absent-minded and leave a toy or two out. (try explaining what it is to a five-year-old)

For the longest time, I wouldn't even OWN a toy that resembled a cock for that reason ... then I bought a toy bag with a lock.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Take a shower without someone needing something the minute you get in
have a conversation that isn't repeated verbatim to anyone that will listen

and good lord, don't be absent-minded and leave a toy or two out. (try explaining what it is to a five-year-old)

lmao
earlier my son found a bottle of KY Gel under the bed and said "Can I have some of your lotion?"
ah yes, the constant joys of parenting.