"Entrapment" feedback

[Frenemy54]

I've recently posted the first chapter of a non-consent/reluctance story. I would greatly appreciate feedback. Detailed feedback- not just a simple "good work - keep it up". Tell me what you liked (or didn't) and what you would like to see in future chapters - Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/s/entrapment-ch-01

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

good work - keep it up.

I'm cranky.

"How fucking dare you" the black girl spat.
"No" Sam gasped,
"I know" cooed her paramour

Um, no. Commas before the ". For example: "No," Sam gasped. Read and heed http://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-characters-talk

...Pulling on her clothes as the listened, Bethany hurriedly dressed herself in a pleated miniskirt, distressed John Lennon T-shirt, and jacket.

Ewww! No shower? And she goes from being all sweaty to this?

'..."It's okay," the brunette assured her "No one comes here this time of day – we're alone."

Reassured, Beth took one more look at her friend before bringing their mouths together...

Woah! Too abrupt a change. Beth is feeling tension, nervous, but the reader just gets skipped to a kiss and misses the tension.

...Disappointed, Beth fiddled with the hem of Samantha's dress, as her eyes looked up at her from her downturned face.

"But I miss you..." lamented the blonde…

Okay, who is doing what to whom? Beth, Sam, three hers and a blonde. I got lost.

…it was nearly ten in the evening … What kind of college building is deserted at 10pm?

…Looking up into Samantha's baby blues, Bethany managed a shy smile and nodded. The two kissed before Beth added "Our safety word is 'rocket ship.'"

"You'll have to catch me first!" grinned Samantha, before turning abruptly and sprinting down the darkened hallway. Taking a deep breath, Bethany gave Sam a moments head start before darting after her….

Wait, what? Shy Beth is now the rapist? Where did that come from? Set up her mindset earlier. Your story is jumping all over the place.

…As the waved [sic] of pleasure washed over her, her taught [sic] silky legs grew increasingly rubbery, trembling until the beautiful, triumphant blonde slid down to her knees, still holding her death grip on Samantha's hair, until Beth was back in kneeling position, the brunette once again under her, lying on her with her face still buried in her lover's crotch…

Wow, long sentence. Further, this seems to require Sam's nose to be in Beth's ass, which makes holding Sam's hair difficult.

…With a yank, pain stabbed at Sam's scalp as Beth stood up and hauled her up to a kneeling position…

You're head hopping. Third person, but stay in Beth's perspective, and Beth doesn't know that pain is stabbing Sam's scalp.

…grabbed a handful of Beth taut ass…. Beth taut ass?

I suggest that you cut the whole Danica part out of the beginning, it really adds nothing. Start with Beth meeting Sam. And why would Sam and Danica need Beth to be aggressive? They should be able to tape her without her knowledge anyway, which would likely be as good for trapping someone.

Still gave you five stars. Good work - keep it up

 

[Dream_Operator]

Never mind.

 

[lawn]

I've recently posted the first chapter of a non-consent/reluctance story. I would greatly appreciate feedback. Detailed feedback- not just a simple "good work - keep it up". Tell me what you liked (or didn't) and what you would like to see in future chapters - Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/s/entrapment-ch-01

The story itself was good reading. From the stand point of 'usage', did you notice that your characters rarely ever 'said' anything. The spat, lamented, exclaimed, assured, and cooed etc., etc. Never underestimate the verb 'said'. Check your favorite authors. Most of the time their characters 'said' things. That said, there is a place for the verbs you used but to me they were over used and it distracted me.