engagements??

[mentionME]

I understand lit is probably not the first place i should ask this but no matter lol...my question is what exactly should be considered when getting engaged. Typically people just reference the are you in love part, however i'm more concerned with the other elements.

besides the love, ring, preparation for proposal...what else should be considered?


**also i feel i should ask, when should various family and friends be consulted. on tv they almost make it seem like it should be a secret to all but your closest friends and then after u pop the question u tell ur folks and everyone else. SO that said any advice, stories, etc.??

 

[silverwhisper]

honestly, i think only the following things need to be considered before proposing:

1. do you love the person?
2. do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person?

IMHO, everything else is ultimately secondary if the answer to both questions is yes.



i recommend keeping it quiet from everyone. if you're a guy asking a woman and you (or she) are old-fashioned, asking the father-in-law to be for his permission/blessing would go over well. some women might find that patriarchal or otherwise offensive/intrusive: only you can know for certain how such an inquiry might be received.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

honestly, i think only the following things need to be considered before proposing:

1. do you love the person?
2. do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person?

That, plus:
3) SHOULD you spend the rest of your lives together? That is, do you really have enough in common, the ingredients, solid foundation and skills needed to make it work long-term?

4) Does the person love you? Has their behavior proven their love for you?

5) Do you really want to get engaged and married, or do you feel obligated to due to outside pressure(s) (pregnancy, kids, culture, family, s/he wants to, an ultimatum, it's easier than dating or breaking up)?

A lot of people would save a lot of time, heartache and money if they simply looked at why most marriages don't work and got really honest with themselves and their partners *before* they got engaged.

 

[silverwhisper]

as usual, erika's got some very, very good ideas. please heed her.

ed

 

[pplwatching]

A large percentage of marriages fail due to problems with money. You should look at a potential spouse's credit report, their spending habits, and how they treat things that cost money and understand how that will impact your life together. Consider if a potential mate can hold a job, has career goals, and has a work ethic that you admire.

Communication is another marriage-killer. Communication problems tend to get worse over time, so consider if you communicate well with a potential spouse. Are you comfortable expressing your needs and desires? Does he/she listen to you and consider your needs?

Consider kids and how to raise them. Do you both want kids? Do you agree on how to raise them (religion, kinds of schools, etc).

Does a potential spouse respect you, and treat you in a way that conveys respect for you? Does he/she treat other people with respect and courtesy? Do they exhibit loyalty to the people that they love?

There are more, but those would be my big ones.

 

[pplwatching]

**also i feel i should ask, when should various family and friends be consulted. on tv they almost make it seem like it should be a secret to all but your closest friends and then after u pop the question u tell ur folks and everyone else. SO that said any advice, stories, etc.??

I have been thinking about this part of your question, with my "parent hat" on.

People try to keep it secret because they want their love interest to be surprised when the question is popped. I think the date and venue of the formal proposal can be secret and exciting, but you should both already know if you want to be married to each other. I think that a good proposal starts with people who both understand that dating may lead to marriage, and talk about marriage a lot before the actual proposal. You don't want a 'yes' based on the excitment of the moment, no matter how romantic it is. You should already know the answer, and just enjoy the romance.

In the past a man asked a woman's parents for her hand, and the parents had the chance to ask all of the smart questions like "How do you intend to support my daughter and grandkids". In many ways, it was a good reality check for the happy couple. In my humble opinion, parents today are put in a bind when 'consulted' about a potential mate. If they lay it on the line then they risk hard feelings and alienating their child. Telling your child "He/She's a bad choice for marriage" is difficult, when you have no real influence and you want to have a relationship with that person through the coming years.

As parents, we have many years of experience of our own, and of observing happy and unhappy marriages. We would like to believe that our experience could help save a new marriage from the jaws of divorce court. I would love to have my son and daugther ask me direct questions like "I am thinking that <so and so> might be a good choice to marry. What kinds of challenges do you think we'll face?" I think direct questions like that would be more useful than a vague "What do you think of her"?

I hope that's of some help to you.

 

[mentionME]

thank you much everyone for all the answers

we definately do talk about marriage and our credit, issues, baggage, cultural concerns, and all that would come with it. additionally we definately both our comfortable with taking it all slow, its just more the preparation party that i'm personally working on.

lol i'm kinda in the "ok i have the loving part down" which is of course very important. however, now i'm working on the 2nd phase the financial, legal, and other more "boring" aspects of engagements.

its unfortunate because i never questioned my parents about how they got engaged and all and now i'm too entrenched in my relationship to feel comfortable saying "hey how'd u do it?" without feeling that i would be pressured from then on 2 make that jump (neither one of us want that pressure)

also, another stupid question....there's only one engagement ring right..."proposers/propositioners" do not need/have rings correct?

 

[mentionME]

also...i am more interested in the parental consent aspect.

I was giving the green light by my parents and grandparents already by there own assertion lol

however i'm still trying to break ground into her family.

her father is not keen on me because of cultural differences and she thinks it doesnt matter if i ask his consent. but i personally would feel kinda wrong not having the consent beforehand, not to mention rude.

how important/unimportant does everyone find the consent in their opinion?

(sorry i posted twice lol...kinda sleepy)

 

[SweetErika]

also, another stupid question....there's only one engagement ring right..."proposers/propositioners" do not need/have rings correct?

Not usually, but sometimes they do.

however i'm still trying to break ground into her family.

her father is not keen on me because of cultural differences and she thinks it doesnt matter if i ask his consent. but i personally would feel kinda wrong not having the consent beforehand, not to mention rude.

Then you should ask.

But before you do, consider what will happen if he doesn't give his consent, your asking causes problems between her and her father/family, or has another negative consequence.

IOW, make sure you consider the pros and cons of asking very carefully before you ask.

 

[smartarse]

If your love is from a culture where it would be a respectful gesture to ask permission, perhaps you can do so in a way that doesn't violate your own beliefs but acknowledges your potential father in law.

Perhaps tell him privately that because his daughter is an adult capable of deciding for herself you are not asking for his permission, but you wanted to give him a chance to ask any questions he might have, reassure him that the two of you are not blindly rushing in without considering consequences, that you love her very much and would appreciate knowing you have his blessing before you formally asked her the big question.

This way you haven't suggested that you will defer to him if he objects but you have satisfied all of the reasons why an old-fashioned person might legitimately want to be consulted.

 

[smartarse]

Oops! Double post

 

[silverwhisper]

first things first...

mentionme queried:
there's only one engagement ring right..."proposers/propositioners" do not need/have rings correct

you're absolutely correct. assuming you're going with the traditional diamond, trust me: you do not want to worry about buying another damned thing for a while. :>

now, to embroider a bit on what you've already been told...

mentionme queried:
her father is not keen on me because of cultural differences and she thinks it doesnt matter if i ask his consent. but i personally would feel kinda wrong not having the consent beforehand, not to mention rude.

how important/unimportant does everyone find the consent in their opinion?

are you sure he isn't keen on you to the point that he'd oppose your marriage? b/c it's also possible that while you're of different cultural heritages, he might see the match as otherwise desirable: good family, that sort of thing.

well, there's a reason i phrased it as "consent/blessing". :>

if you phrase your request to him as something along the lines of "i hope in the time you have known me that i've demonstrated to you that i love and respect your daughter tremendously, and can provide for her," something that emphasizes that you're a good guy and his little girl won't be starving in the streets or anything, i bet you'll do fine.

any chance her mother can be an ally?

ed

 

[mentionME]

first things first...


you're absolutely correct. assuming you're going with the traditional diamond, trust me: you do not want to worry about buying another damned thing for a while. :>

now, to embroider a bit on what you've already been told...


are you sure he isn't keen on you to the point that he'd oppose your marriage? b/c it's also possible that while you're of different cultural heritages, he might see the match as otherwise desirable: good family, that sort of thing.

well, there's a reason i phrased it as "consent/blessing". :>

if you phrase your request to him as something along the lines of "i hope in the time you have known me that i've demonstrated to you that i love and respect your daughter tremendously, and can provide for her," something that emphasizes that you're a good guy and his little girl won't be starving in the streets or anything, i bet you'll do fine.

any chance her mother can be an ally?

ed

lol yes i did mean to say blessing...i learned that from researching another site as well lol...

however currently i'm sure he's not happy about us, its an ongoing issue about not being their exact race. i dont think he really looks past that very much. he may be happy with the financial aspect (she is spoiled lol) but otherwise i dont think i'm allowed to be mentioned too much. on the bright side, i am moving through the ranks of siblings, mother, grandparents friends etc.

i would hope i would advance to where its not an issue by the time i save up and feel comfortable even asking for his blessing but you never know.