End a relation nicely

[ConfusedMan]

Hi am a new to this board and have been reading your posts. Interesting reading.

I have been in a relationship with a girl for more than 3½ years now and it was very great in the beginning. We have shared many good experiences.
But now I feel that I don't love her anymore and have just sticked together because that was expected.
I have not always been faithful to her and I feel that she deserves better than that!
Now the problem is how do I end our relationship breaking her heart as little as possible.
I don't want to be mean - just wish that both are happy.

I am a 22 year old guy and she is 21. We were both each others first real relationships (and lost our virginity to each other)

But she does not turn me on anymore. I never fantasy about her.

Anyone of you experienced people here have any comments?

And as my name says I am a very confused man at this moment.

Your comments are appreciated much

 

[ConfusedMan]

Oh I forgot to add that she loves me very much and says that I am the only reason she keeps going on in life.

I feel this is situation is really frustrating!: confused:
It hurts me to think of giving her the message that I don't love her. We are not angry at each other.

 

[sheath]

Ah...a tough place to be in.

First and foremost...honesty. Be perfectly honest. Telling her that you feel differently is something you MUST do, and do it soon. If you feel there is no hope, and you want to move on...tell her, straight out. The cruelest thing to do to anyone is give false hope. So...be honest. Even if it is brutal. It will hurt, yes, but you will both be glad for the honesty in the end.

It does hurt to tell someone you don't love them...because often, even if you have fallen out of love with someone, you still LOVE them on some level. Loving someone and being in love with someone are certainly two different things.

Be prepared for several days of crying and anger. If it were me breaking off the relationship, I would stick close for a few days. Some might disagree with that, but after over three years, she will still need your support, even if you are leaving her. She will need to cry and throw things and get upset, and it is good if you are there. Just don't get angry with her for reacting. She will be very upset, as you already know. She will say things she does not mean. Getting angry with her for that will only make it more difficult for both of you.

I sympathize with you. I know exactly how you feel, for I have been there myself. Just stay honest, stay compassionate, and remember to take care of yourself. The guilt will get pretty bad, as you already know. Just keep reminding yourself that if you don't love her, then this is best...for both of you.

And finally...I want to commend you for being so open and honest in that post. You seem to have given this situation quite a bit of thought. You are even owning up to your mistakes (unfaithful). That tells me that you are quite serious about not hurting this woman you have cared for for so long. If only all men were as compassionate.

Good luck...and please, keep us posted. I'm sure many of us will be following your situation very closely.



S.

 

[Bandit58]

I ended a 23 year marriage last year. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but for my own sanity I had to. He didn't know how to love....he emotionally abused me for years.....and when I told him I was leaving he was so stunned. He'd taken it for granted over the years that I would always be there. He cried - only the second time I'd seen him cry in all those years. I didn't want to hurt him but it's inevitable that someone will be when any relationship falls apart

I stayed because I was afraid to go out and live. We had 2 children and a farm together, but that was all. We didn't have anything else in common, and when our oldest left home I could see I would be stuck with a stranger for the rest of my life. I'd known things weren't right for years......when you hate having sex and flinch whenever you are touched, and are never told you are loved and cared for.......not a healthy place to be.

Please don't make the mistake I did.....I married him because my self-esteem was so low and he was the first guy that showed any interest in me. It was expected that we would get married.....I was 19 and I thought I knew what I wanted......

It's better to break it off now after 3 1/2 years rather than 23 1/2.......

 

[ConfusedMan]

Wow thank you for those directly-from-heart answers. That was just what I was looking for.

To shear:
You actually answered a lot of the questions that have been running in my head (and still are)

Yes you are right that I have given the situation a lot of thoughts. This was the first time I ever shared them with anyone.
Actually I have thought of this several times during the relationship but in the last week have thought intense on whether it was the right or the wrong thing to stay.

To Bandit58:
Your story sounds pretty much how she could end after 23 years.
She also has very low self-esteem and think I am the answer to all of her problems. I have been supportive.
Fortunately we are not bound by kids, house or economy so I will not be trapped in the same way you did.
A break up after 23 years must be cruel or did you go in other directions emotionally gradually? So the actual break was a relief for both parties?

And once again thanks for sharing your life stories. It is nice to read and compare

 

[SexyChele]

Unfortunately, this is something it seems everyone must either do or receive. Neither place is pleasant to be in.

I agree with Sheath - be honest, be compassionate. I am one of those who say it's best to stay away. Yeah, difference of opinion, though I can see why she said what she did. However, if you stay in her life, then you give her hope. She might feel she can "win you back."

If there is a family member of hers that you can talk to after you have delivered the sad news, it might be best. They can keep an eye on her and make sure she will be okay.

Sometimes people say they cannot live without another person, and they believe it at the time. However, life goes on and so do people. Hopefully, one day in the future you will be able to meet up with her and know her as a friend. If not, all you can do is wish her well.

Take courage in the fact that many have been where you are. It isn't easy, it isn't fun, but it is necessary. You will survive, and so will she.

Good luck to you both.

 

[Bandit58]

To Bandit58:
Your story sounds pretty much how she could end after 23 years.
She also has very low self-esteem and think I am the answer to all of her problems. I have been supportive.
Fortunately we are not bound by kids, house or economy so I will not be trapped in the same way you did.
A break up after 23 years must be cruel or did you go in other directions emotionally gradually? So the actual break was a relief for both parties?

We gradually grew apart......it was okay when the kids were small, but even then we had different interests. I don't think I was ever in love with him, and it was a relief to me when I finally called it quits. He didn't show affection unless it was to lead to sex, so I switched off and grew to hate him touching me. The emotional blackmail got to be too much.......and even when we separated he would try to use it against me.........he threatened to kill himself a couple of times, once over the phone where our 14 yr old daughter could probably hear every damn word. By then I'd started standing up for myself and he didn't know how to handle it. Now we only see each other if it's to do with the kids, and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't care if I never saw him again........

 

[Lust Engine]

To fall out of love is one thing; to stop caring for the person is totally different.

If you still care for this person and I'll assume that you still do, you have to be frank & honest with your feelings to her. Let her go so she can be with someone who deeply cares for her. It's not to say you didn't at one point but you've obviously moved on. One of these days you'll look back fondly at it hopefully.

She might be feeling the same things you are too.

It's not easy to do but it's something that you'll both recover from and be thankful to one another in the long run for being with one another at this stage in your lives. You both seem like nice folks and to part as amicably as possible is even that much better.

Best of luck to you... and her in finding that someone that'll be your soul mate forever.