empathy is a double-edged sword

[Kailey_86]

It's fabulous that Sir, B, and i are empathic. It makes it easier to bond. Problems are realized immediately because emotions aren't hidden. We become closer through sharing our feelings.

At the same time, when any one of us is down, so is everybody else which causes a lot of stress on the whole relationship.

i am getting tired. It's hard to ride on this rollercoaster but i don't want to get off. i have such a hard time when Sir is feeling down because i take a nose dive too.

Being so far away from Him makes it even more difficult because all i want to do is console Him but i can't. There is nothing i can do and it makes me mad.

It's even worse because i end up turning His problem into my own but not in a good way. In other words, i end up feeling like anything i do is annoying to Him and i am causing too much stress for Him. i start feeling like a burden and all i want to do is pull away. The focus turns to me. It should be on Him when He is like this though. My pain stemmed from His. This makes me even more mad at myself. It's a downward spiral. Now i just want to sleep...until the pain passes. i feel like this too often. *sigh*

 

[Chicklet]

This time of year especially it becomes easy for people to fall into depressions over very little or nothing at all. One thing you have to remember is that you're not responsible for everything your partner is feeling, and sometimes there's just nothing you can do to bring his emotions back up to a happy level. It's a clinical problem, it's a seasonal problem, it's frankly not entirely YOUR problem.

I'm always the one in the relationship who feels down, and my partner most of the time will try to bring me back up again. And when nothing works, because when I'm in a funk there isn't going to BE an unfunking that my partner is going to be able to do, a lot of time he'll get depressed alongside of me.

It doesn't make a person feel better to know their depression and downwards spiral is hurting someone they care about.

I don't have the magic cure for you not to feel bad emotionally because your Sir B is feeling bad, or the magic combination of actions for Sir B to feel better either.

No words of advice, actually, or anything helpful at all. Just a hand on your shoulder and a reassurance that a lot of people experience this, and you're not alone in your pain.

Don't try to sleep it off. You'll just feel bad that you wasted your day. Try to go out and have your normal life experiences even when he's feeling down. He'll be happy to know that you're not letting your own life be halted by his bad mood. Try to focus on being the person he knows, and not the depressed person his mood is trying to make you be. He's not doing it on purpose, so don't let it add to his mood.

It IS a downward spiral, so try to fight the current. Think happy thoughts, and dancing bananas.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You need to learn to separate his depression from your own otherwise if you are ever together in a RL situation long term it is going to become a vicous cycle for both of you. I'm not sure it has anything to do with being empathic as much as recognising what is possible. Perhaps it will help to approach it from a D/s viewpoint in that your position is to serve..if you allow yourself to go down just because he is in depression, how are you serving him, how are you caring for his property? You can be empathic without mirroring his mood....empathy does not mean you have to feel what he is feeling because bottom line is as much as another may think they know how someone feels, in reality they can only imagine it and feel it from their own viewpoint if that makes sense. This is not about you, it is about him....you can support, bring comfort, or if necessary give him space and not make your mood and reaction the focus and another pressure for him to deal with on top of his existing depression. It isn't easy, but it is kinder if you can maintain your own state of mind independently of his.

Catalina

 

[myinnerslut]

i do the same thing sometimes, doesnt it suck. i get convince that everything i do ends up stressing out my Sir, becuase i'm so seriously stressed to begin with.

feel better.

 

[kat_or_kitten]

You need to learn to separate his depression from your own otherwise if you are ever together in a RL situation long term it is going to become a vicous cycle for both of you.
Catalina

I was startled and pleased to see this thread today, having experienced my own mini-breakdown last night, experiencing empathy with my partner. His moods and sadness become my own -- and vice versa -- and the results aren't very healthy sometimes.

I'm not sure how to handle it when this happens. Mostly I want to console him and make him feel better, but when he hurts so deeply I start to feel the urge to run away. I empathize too much, and it starts to make me feel feel unglued, like I don't have an identity of my own.

We've resolved today to try and set realistic expectations while also trusting each other to process our own issues. I'm hopeful we can find a way through this, because I can't cycle through this over and over. Ultimately, it will damage the love we have, and that would break my heart.

 

[myinnerslut]

roses for you also kat_or_kitten:

 

[kat_or_kitten]

roses for you also kat_or_kitten:

Thank you so much! And roses to everyone else to "empathizes" with this thread as well.

 

[CutieMouse]

Having empathy, and being in tune with one's partner, does not mean it is inappropriate to create boundaries to protect one's emotional and mental health. Protecting one's emotional and mental health, does not make one in any way less submissive, dedicated, etc.

I understand where you are coming from- I really really do. I've been in that place, myself; however, I am not responsible for my Lover's emotions, and I will not become so. If he has a shitty day because of XYZ, and I start to feel drug down into the pit of despair, I take a step back to objectively analize the situation, and choose how I will deal with it. That may mean offering assistance (or him asking for it), or it may just as likely mean either of us pointing out he is in a piss poor mood, and it might be best if we give each other a bit of breathing room.

We've developed the ability to explain to the other if one is in a horrible mood, and that it would be better to talk when we're a bit calmer and in control of ourselves. It doesn't avoid all the dips and turns, but the roller coaster is a lot smoother (and we're both more stable) because we accept repsonsibility for where one's emotions stop, and the other's emotions begin.

 

[Auraka6669]

We both saw this thread at about the same time, and shared it with each other.

The only thing I can really add is that a double edged sword in the right hands is a beautiful instrument. We've worked things out, and while it doesn't make empathy any less dangerous. We do know where the lines are drawn and can work with it, instead of having it work against us.

As with everything else, communication is key. And I am glad that first and foremost we share that.

 

[satindesire]

I'm not sure how to handle it when this happens.

Although my Sir and yours do not share the same empathic-ness (hah, I know -that's- not a word! ) I, however, am EXTREMELY oversensitive to the emotional energy of the people around me.

When he's sad, depressed or angry, it used to, and still does sometimes, suck me into feeling HIS feelings, and well...I'm not very helpful when all I want to do is sleep or cry.

I've noticed that as hard as it is, the best thing for me is to spend a little time AWAY from him so that his aura doesn't affect my own, and doing things like chores, or taking an extra shift working, reading an involving book...really helps.

Anything to take your mind away from HIS energy and refocus it to yourself will help him get our of his funk faster, since you're more likely to be the stronger and more able partner when freshly focused and in a better mood!

I know this situation is not a one-size-fits all (so you can STOP typing those angry letters ya'll! ) but try it out. I hope it helps.

 

[kat_or_kitten]

thank you

Although my Sir and yours do not share the same empathic-ness (hah, I know -that's- not a word! ) I, however, am EXTREMELY oversensitive to the emotional energy of the people around me.

When he's sad, depressed or angry, it used to, and still does sometimes, suck me into feeling HIS feelings, and well...I'm not very helpful when all I want to do is sleep or cry.

I've noticed that as hard as it is, the best thing for me is to spend a little time AWAY from him so that his aura doesn't affect my own, and doing things like chores, or taking an extra shift working, reading an involving book...really helps.

Anything to take your mind away from HIS energy and refocus it to yourself will help him get our of his funk faster, since you're more likely to be the stronger and more able partner when freshly focused and in a better mood!

I know this situation is not a one-size-fits all (so you can STOP typing those angry letters ya'll! ) but try it out. I hope it helps.

This is all very good advice. Thank you. And I think it applies to all relationships, be they vanilla romantic relationships, simple friendships or D/s interactions. Setting boundaries is important for personal stability and identity.

But it is those very boundaries you mention that are probably where I'm running into problems. Boundaries in a D/s dynamic depend so much on trust, and while I deeply trust him with the sexual side of this, I'm still trying to figure out the boundaries between us in other ways. How to guard my own separate identity without seeming to be distrustful.

Does that make sense?

 

[SweetErika]

Anything to take your mind away from HIS energy and refocus it to yourself will help him get our of his funk faster, since you're more likely to be the stronger and more able partner when freshly focused and in a better mood!

This has worked for me as well. I've always been extremely empathetic (that was one thing that never failed to show up on my report cards from Kindergarten on). For the most part, I see it as a blessing, but when there's a longer-term stressor with a loved one, it can be a major curse.

I had to learn to have a healthy amount of emotional detachment when my husband was consumed by the pain and stress of his mom's cancer and ultimate death. He rarely lets out emotion, so most of the time there was this incredible, palpable tension that gave us both a hair trigger, and when he did let it out, I would come unglued because I knew how severe his pain must be to show it, and felt it with him. As the months dragged on, I got sucked in deeper and deeper until I realized there was nothing left in him to hold me up and I needed to get myself out so I could support him.

So, I cut myself off, setting my emotions aside and forcing myself to focus on thoughts instead of feelings. That helped some, and I kept detaching until I found a place that allowed me to take care of my love. When I got tears in my eyes, I jumped to something positive and rational, even if it was encouraging him to let all of his grief out because that was healthy. Sometimes I cried, but again, I focused on actions that would help him and not require his support (and at times, that was commiserating with him and giving him a safe place to let it out). Like Satin said, I threw my thoughts and body into a positive, supportive role and took plenty of time to focus on myself so I had the energy to give.

It wasn't easy, and at times I felt like a robot; being less feeling than I am seems cold and uncaring to me, even though logically I know it's not at all. A healthy amount of detachment allowed me to do what I needed to and was the absolute best for my husband. For a long time I also wondered if it was unhealthy, and thought I might just be bottling my emotions to everyone's detriment later, but that wasn't the case either - that was just my mind playing tricks on me because it felt so different and can be resistent to change.

Anyway, that's nothing new, but I thought I would try to share how I more-or-less overcame being too empathetic in this situation at least.

You may want to look into emotional contagion and emotional detachment, Kailey. There are some fascinating articles and great books on finding a good balance.

 

[Kailey_86]

Thank you all for your advice, support, roses, and dancing bananas.

i will be following a lot of this advice. i think, since i feel so attached to Him and i am so submissive, taking this from a D/s point of view will be most helpful. i DON'T want to harm His property and i DO want to serve Him. i can't do that if i am letting myself get down as well. So i will pull myself up and seperate my emotions from His to be of better service.

i know He is going through some tough times right now. i need to be there for Him. i just hope He knows that even though He is supposed to be the big mighty Dom, He is still allowed to be emotional and lean on His subs. He is allowed to let go sometimes. It can be lonely at the top. It's ok to come down for a bit and get support. Everyone needs that.

Feeling better already....

 

[Auraka6669]

i know He is going through some tough times right now. i need to be there for Him. i just hope He knows that even though He is supposed to be the big mighty Dom, He is still allowed to be emotional and lean on His subs. He is allowed to let go sometimes. It can be lonely at the top. It's ok to come down for a bit and get support. Everyone needs that.

There you go Although the most important thing here is communication, as he might see you detaching and then freak out about that...

 

[FurryFury]

I'm empathetic too. Moreover I prefer the people around me to be happy. I can get all kinds of depressed and stressed because they are out of sorts. What I'm trying to teach myself to remember is that I can't fix them or change them.

Sure a smile can make a difference. A favorite food made ready can be a bit of a pick me up. A shoulder or ear can help as well. A hug can feel great too. There are so many things I can do to help. I'm sure we rarely hear how much someone is comforted by some of these things. Still I can't force someone to be happy, less stressed or changed. For some their comfort zone is in what I would consider a negative place. It's hard for them to change that. I can create an atmosphere in which change can occur but only they can make those changes.

I have to remember instead to take care of me. If I'm less stressed or depressed because I allow them to be and feel how they must, then that too can help everyone. It's not easy for me to do. It's really hard. When I can manage it though, it works quite well.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm empathetic too. Moreover I prefer the people around me to be happy. I can get all kinds of depressed and stressed because they are out of sorts. What I'm trying to teach myself to remember is that I can't fix them or change them.

Sure a smile can make a difference. A favorite food made ready can be a bit of a pick me up. A shoulder or ear can help as well. A hug can feel great too. There are so many things I can do to help. I'm sure we rarely hear how much someone is comforted by some of these things. Still I can't force someone to be happy, less stressed or changed. For some their comfort zone is in what I would consider a negative place. It's hard for them to change that. I can create an atmosphere in which change can occur but only they can make those changes.

I have to remember instead to take care of me. If I'm less stressed or depressed because I allow them to be and feel how they must, then that too can help everyone. It's not easy for me to do. It's really hard. When I can manage it though, it works quite well.

Fury

LOL, is this the Domme coming out in you? ......shrinks will tell you what you are feeling in relation to wanting others to be happy and smiling is about control, wanting to make them into who you want them to be not who they are. As you recognise, it is not possible and only serves to stress you more.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

LOL, is this the Domme coming out in you? ......shrinks will tell you what you are feeling in relation to wanting others to be happy and smiling is about control, wanting to make them into who you want them to be not who they are. As you recognise, it is not possible and only serves to stress you more.

Catalina

Oh I know. The more I see myself as responsible for others, the more I am saying this is in my power when it certainly is not. It's ego and conceit in a way. *L*

Of course I suspect most people would like their loved ones happy. Since that is not always possible, I simply try to give them a loving and positive environment in which to live.

Perhaps once I thought I could wait someone out until they mellowed and stopped hurting me. That didn't work. He left when I wasn't in emotional crisis for him all the time and instead took care of myself while being as loving and accepting of him as I could manage.

Now I don't love people for what I want them to become but for who they already are, warts and all. I accept them as they are. I don't try to change them.

The other day a friend of mine canceled a date with me. Someone asked me if I believed her story about why she canceled. I told them it didn't matter if the story was true of if I believed it or not. What mattered was that I accepted that this person tends to cancel at the last minute and love her anyway, ya know? I've simply learned not to rely on her emotionally when something is planned. If we actually get together, great, if not I have so many other things to do.

Fury

 

[rexfelis]

Kailey_86, as a dominant myself, and an empathic one at that, have you ever considered that your dominant probably does not expect you to take on his emotions? If you're that close, maybe you're trying to be too close? You've told me before that he's filling your mind all the time. Maybe you need to reign in your emotions some? Forgetting yourself in your desire to please him, probably isn't what he wants. Remember that he is with you because he saw something worthwhile in you.

When I get depressed, I just don't much care about anything. Depression saps my motivation and takes away my interests. It's like taking all the color and a lot of the contrast out of an image, and making it dull and boring. My slave knows that I'm not perfect, and that I have my moments, and although I haven't talked about it yet with my candidate, I'm sure she knows me well enough to know I don't think I'm perfect, and that I have my days when I'm down for whatever reason. I don't expect them to be depressed just because I am, or whatever other negative emotion I may be feeling at the time. I really don't want to bring them down. When I'm depressed, which isn't often, it's sometimes crippling, but I don't want everyone else around me to be crippled too. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way.

My suggestion is to consider that perhaps you are being too focused on trying to be everything for him. Yes, he may be your dominant, but there are also some things you just cannot do anything about. Blaming yourself for not being able to do miracles isn't helping anyone.

There is a quote I like, that I think I recall correctly. I think it could serve you well, if you contemplate it and understand. It goes like this:

"They also serve, who sit and wait."