Emotional Infidelity

[impressive]

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[Colleen Thomas]

I have as well. They key (to me) is that I've known it was not ME fueling the passion at that time. I love a good role play! When both partners are "in the game" it is incredibly hot.

But what if such disclosure would cause your partner pain? Do you just suck it up -- or do you do as Zoot suggests (just take the mental image elsewhere and wank to it)? What would YOU want if it was your partner doing the fantasizing?

I'm odd, in that pleasing my partner is the goal. I really work at learning her body, it's reactions, the hot spots, the little things that do it for her. I'llhappily spend an hour or two giving her head and if she dosen't feel like reciprocating in any way, that's not a problm for me because the true joyof the act for me is inmy partners bliss. My own physical satisfaction can never rival the emotional joy of her cumming like an atom bomb.

Since my goal in an encounter is my partners joy, I don't really have a problem if she is fantasizing. As long as she gets the max enjoyment, I am getting what I want. To be honest, I really wouldn't want to know if she was dreaming about her ex, or the cute new girl at work. I don't feel I have some kind of proprietary access to her mind. I think when you start being the thought police, you are invading your partner's privacy and I am a firm believer that everyone, even those in the closest relationship, deserve soem modicum of personal privacy.

If she WANTS to share the fantasy with me, I'm fine with that, it might even lead to some fun role play. If she wants to keep that part of her head to herself, I totally respect that right.

When you are sharing your life with someone, there is a tendancy I think to feel you give up your right toprivacy, even privacy of your thoughts. I disagree. What goes on in your head is your own, your place, with your needs being the primary mover. Everyone needs and deserves that. Without it, you might as well be automotons with a linked brain. I just don't see that as healthy for either.

Humans are gregarious creatures, we all need the stimulation of others. But we are also individually aware entities and I think you need your place just as much. Even if you rplace is just the space in your head where your thoughts are your own.

 

[impressive]

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[impressive]

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[ABSTRUSE]

It's an emotional roller coaster really.

 

[Kassiana]

Um...are you really equating "having fantasies during sex" to "not wanting to be with my partner", Imp? Because I certainly don't. I love my husband. He's a fantastic lover.

Yes, I've had fantasies during sex but that doesn't mean I don't want him, any more than the fantasies I have reading erotica mean that I don't want him.

Maybe it works that way for you, but no one else I know works that way.

Of course, I don't normally have fantasies about people I know, other than the ones I had several weeks back about guys at my work place getting some good butt sex...and those were more daydreams than anything else.

(Nearly wrote "daycreams" above!)

 

[impressive]

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[domjoe]

(Nearly wrote "daycreams" above!)

What a fine neologism. What Lewis Carroll would call a Portmanteau Word.


(Nearly wrote neolojism -- honestly! -- weird.)

 

[Kassiana]

What a fine neologism. What Lewis Carroll would call a Portmanteau Word.


(Nearly wrote neolojism -- honestly! -- weird.)

Yours wasn't bad, either, though maybe it was a little premature.

 

[matriarch]

Luc has brought many things to mind that I've been dealing with so I'll play Devil's advocate, so to speak.

When the case is one of you realizing the one you're with is no longer the one you are in love with and you decide to keep going on with that relationship because you are afraid of hurting them, you damage yourself as well.
Is it fair to have to live the lie?
Is it fair to have to see that you are hurting that person but know that staying with them isn't going to fix things if the feelings arent there?
No one wants to intentionally inflict pain on a loved one, but no one should have to sacrifice themselves or their happiness.

People will ask, well why did you do it? why let it go that far?
How do you explain that you've denied a big part of yourself to please others and somewhere down the road you realized you've made a mistake?
How do you explain that what goes on inside of you has brought you to the edge of madness and that madness would be easier to deal with than the reality of what you may do to others by trying to be yourself?
Is it better to stay on your island of denial as a sea of pain surround you and a storm of self doubt pummels you?

Not everyone is in it for the sex, the sex is just a component of the whole machine. Sex and love are not the same but interchangable, you can have one without the other or both together.

It's what is the bigger part of who you are that needs to be taken care of and when you are not whole how can you ever be honest with anyone, yourself included.

Is it morally wrong? is it a part of what makes us human?is it wrong to stand up and say...I've made a grave error, mistakes were made and someone will inevitablly be hurt.
Do we decide whom to burn at the stake or do we look within ourselves with brutal honesty and question our true intentions?

I have no clue if any of this makes sense.

This was so very hard for me to read, and even harder to respond to....a perfect description of my situation. As some of you know, I was married for over 30 years........I knew very early on...dammit, I knew long before that......that a man was not what I wanted, needed, desired in my life.....but I was niaive and innocent, and had no idea how to live my life any other way, was not aware that sharing my life with a woman was an option.

I made the decision to marry, eventually have children. I loved him as much as I was able, still do at some level.....but it was never all of me....never my deepest recesses......they were, would alway be for 'her'....whoever she was. My core was untouched by him. I was faithful, physically for over 20 years, I produced and brought up two wonderful sons, cared for them all..... and cried in secret for the emptiness deep inside me.......and eventually found myself sitting on a bed with a bottle of pills in my hand trying to find the strength to stop what had now become almost an unbearable pain.

Yes Abs, I agree. There are definitely occasions when walking away, hurting another is essential. I didn't walk away at first, I removed myself from the situation in my head and heart, I was in danger of becoming a cold, unfeeling human being, because to feel was more than I could cope with anymore.

Eventually, with the help of a dear and special friend I was able to put my head together, regain my life, my person, and finally free us both him and me, from what had become for both of us what seemed an inescapable hell.

We both live alone now, happier in ourselves, and thank god, because the stress of trying to live together has been removed, are now the friends we should always have been. Not lovers, but caring friends.

I have no idea if my words are relevant to this thread.

Yes, there are times when thinking about another person while having sex, making love, whatever you wish to call it, is the only way to cope, get through. Even if that face is of someone you have no idea exists. Its a safety valve. For me it saved my sanity.


*tearfully*

Mat

Goodnight.

 

[Kassiana]

This was so very hard for me to read, and even harder to respond to....a perfect description of my situation. As some of you know, I was married for over 30 years........I knew very early on...dammit, I knew long before that......that a man was not what I wanted, needed, desired in my life.....but I was niaive and innocent, and had no idea how to live my life any other way, was not aware that sharing my life with a woman was an option.

I made the decision to marry, eventually have children. I loved him as much as I was able, still do at some level.....but it was never all of me....never my deepest recesses......they were, would alway be for 'her'....whoever she was. My core was untouched by him. I was faithful, physically for over 20 years, I produced and brought up two wonderful sons, cared for them all..... and cried in secret for the emptiness deep inside me.......and eventually found myself sitting on a bed with a bottle of pills in my hand trying to find the strength to stop what had now become almost an unbearable pain.

Oh, Mat. I am so sorry. I'm glad you're no longer in that situation, though.

 

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[minsue]

x 12 for A/J and for Mats


I've been giving this a lot of thought and I can't recall a single instant where I was fantasizing about someone else while having sex. I must admit, it rather surprised me when I thought about it, considering I've always had a rich fantasy life.

That said, I would not consider it unfaithful if someone I was with was imagining someone else. If they consistantly called out another person's name, I'd prolly start to take issue with it (especially if it was always the same 'other' name), but otherwise I'm just happy to get someone off in whatever way gives them the most pleasure.

 

[shereads]

What's the context?

I can't think of a relationship where one partner would feel the need to pretend, unless he or she is trying to spare the other's feelings. (I'm not saying it's either good or bad to do so, only that I can't think of any other motive for pretending to be turned-on by someone when you aren't.)

 

[BlackShanglan]

If they consistantly called out another person's name, I'd prolly start to take issue with it ...

Hence my tendency to physical, spiritual, and intellectual monogamy. I simply haven't the memory or the presence of mind to carry off anything else

Shanglan

 

[shereads]

quote:
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Originally posted by minsue

If they consistantly called out another person's name, I'd prolly start to take issue with it ...
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Maybe "Britney" is a pet name just for you.

 

[shereads]

Years ago, I began the world's longest-lasting dead-end relationship with a man who had just recently split with someone. I was hyper-conscious that this woman was in his recent past, and one night I got all teary-eyed and needy during the ol' afterglow, and sobbed, "W-hen we make love, do you ever pretend I'm her?"

He laughed and said, "Of course not. I pretend you're Jane Fonda in 'Klute.'"

 

[Pure]

Good topic, imp. I think 'emotional' or 'inward' infidelity is pretty common. It's just that everyone shuts up about it. As you know, when 'we' read/see porn, the vast majority of us fantasy only about sex with current spouse.... well, mostly....

 

[ABSTRUSE]

bumping cause it's worth it.

 

[impressive]

bumping cause it's worth it.

Life would indeed be simpler if we could be truly vicious, would it not?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Life would indeed be simpler if we could be truly vicious, would it not?

I've often said, In my next life I'm going to be very naive...it's safer that way.

I must say, at first I thought you opened a can of worms with this thread, I tried to avoid it, but I couldn't and I'm very glad I stopped by.......thanks babe.

 

[curious2c]

I know that in my case, infidelity can be overcome...but emotional infidelity? Now I am thinking no. If one is emotionally invested in someone, and they give those same emotions to another...that is the hardest cut.

The heart is only capable of withstanding so much. A one night stand because of 'things happened' is one thing...a full blown love affair? Ow.

For me, that would spell the end of all.

 

[sweetnpetite]

This seems a little silly to me, making rules about what the other person is thinking about. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if they are following those rules. You will never have peace. I think- and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh- that it is neurotic. Some things you have to be willing to let go.

I think it would be more hurtful if sometime between initiation and climax my partner turned to me and said, "I can't have sex with you right now because I'm thinking of someone else." than if they just continued there fantasy and kept it to themself.

1) I think I'd rather not know and
2) I'd feel a hell of a lot more threatened if this person was disrupting my sex life than if they weren't.

I agree with what Colly has said here. She has made some great points.

I too have been in relationships were the person was most likely was thinking about an ex- or someone else. It didn't really occur to me at the time- and so much the better!

If I already have a strong feeling that your not thinking about me (such as you've been reading and looking at online porn and now your ready to get to it) and I'm not comfortable with that- then it's *my* right and perogoative to say, "No, it's not about me and I want it to be about me." (In reality the most you can ever have is the belief -possibly illusion- that it's about you. You can never know for certain. But if it's all to clear, you have the right to back out- but I don't think it's the other person's responsiblity.)

On the other hand, I've had times were i've considered giving my partner 'permission' to pretend I'm somebody else (someone we'd both seen on tv that day) and I also planned to pretend to be that person in my own mind. But then I decided that I didn't want to do that, because I wasn't sure how I would really feal about it- but I went ahead and imagined that they were pretending I was that celebrity and I thought it was pretty hot. But I realized that I didn't want confirmation. So I neither gave permission or asked. That may seem a little weird, but oh well.

You can't be the thought police. You can tell your partner your preferences and then you can only assume that they are following them. But you really can't be the thought police. It's just a way to make yourself feel bad when you don't need to. If something like this is that important, I think you probably have some other issues (personal or relationship) that you need to deal with.

Again, not trying to be harsh. But there comes a point were you either have to be willing to let go and trust in your partner or not. You can never be 100% certain of *physical* fidelity, let alone so called mental.

 

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[sweetnpetite]

Thanks for sharing, SnP. You got my initial intent backwards, although others have touched on your points as well. It's not that I worry what a partner is thinking, it's that I feel rotten when my thoughts just won't stay focused on my partner. When that happens, I would prefer to just get off alone -- but I also don't want to throw something like that down if it's gonna cause heartache.

However, your point (above) about pretending YOU are someone else is interesting. I don't think I've ever considered doing that.

LOL, I don't know what made me think to do it either to tell you the truth. I think I might have done it less than consciously many times before. But the concious thought sort of gave me a little thrill.

I don't think you should feel bad about it, unless you are purposly using that person to act out some other fantasy, and not nesessarily then either. IF it's a constant thing that you're always focused on a particular ex or other person you wish you were with instead, or you have to pretend that your lover is someone else in order to let them touch you- well this is obviously not being fair, and requires a hard look at what you should do next. But otherwise, I really don't think you should beat yourself up about it. And I wouldn't call things to a halt either, with or without explaination- both would cause a great deal of hurt and confusion in my oppinion.

Feel free to PM me, if you'd like.