Emotional Composting

[Recidiva]

Vana sent me some beautiful music yesterday, and it pointed out to me what a strange place I'm in.

My life is truly wonderful, I have no complaints.

Except that I do. Not enough to want to change anything, but just a sense of housecleaning.

All good things are growing and healthy, but there's a patch of fallow ground, broken friendships and past disappointments upon which nothing grows. I know I need to take some of this and use it as compost for the rest of my life, get my hands into it, make use of it.

But I don't wanna. I'm sorta lying prostrate on the mound, amid the rot. Attempting to heal a wound almost feels like shutting something down that's living. Rot means living, right? If I disperse it, that means it's over. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more wondering about questions that can't be answered. It's no longer a memorial. No longer a portal.

I'm not sure I can do it.

Vana's sunlight makes me long for growing things, though. Digging through all the past rot makes me remember what these rotting memories were like when they were living. I should remember them that way. But I'm struggling with it.

It's truly time to let go, but I'm just sorta wallowing and getting dirty. Anyone else know that state of mind?

 

[impressive]

It's truly time to let go, but I'm just sorta wallowing and getting dirty. Anyone else know that state of mind?

Absolutely.

 

[Recidiva]

Absolutely.

Yay! Flower!

My daughter bought me flowers this morning. Some of this has to do with what I'm trying to write right now. I've unlocked some personalities I'm struggling with coming to terms with.

It's really not a bad place, it's just contemplative. Occasionally I get stuck in the dark until someone shines a light on me. "Hey, what are you doing out here?"

"I have no idea."

 

[Nirvanadragones]

It's truly time to let go . . .

'Tis the time. It's Gabrielle's unveiling of the tombstone on Sunday. We're having a spiritual ceremony for her. We had the same for my daughter's Blessing, and Thanks giving. And I'm writing the ceremony. I'd hoped it would be a good journey for me - very similar to where you are. It's not easy, but I know that this way, I will be able to say exactly what I want to. And that's not only liberating, but it's healing. And the way to get to the "right words" is through meditating and sifting through old memories - the pleasure and the pain - the beauty and not so beautiful. Some of this is not directly related to Gabrielle. It's about me, and where I have been. But I'm selfishly using this ceremony as a symbol of closure.

Symbolism has always had much power for me. Burning something/ throwing it away. Sealing it. Changing it into something completely different. Sometimes the physical act of doing something that has meaning to only you is what you need to start the facilitation of your process.

Like my poetry. Each one, has been written after some kind of spiritual/ emotional process. And when eventually I can word it, and send it out into the universe, I know I'm well on my may to healing, even if it's only acknowledgement of it's existance at that stage.

Love and Light to you, Diva. You're Beautiful.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

'Tis the time. It's Gabrielle's unveiling of the tombstone on Sunday. We're having a spiritual ceremony for her. We had the same for my daughter's Blessing, and Thanks giving. And I'm writing the ceremony. I'd hoped it would be a good journey for me - very similar to where you are. It's not easy, but I know that this way, I will be able to say exactly what I want to. And that's not only liberating, but it's healing. And the way to get to the "right words" is through meditating and sifting through old memories - the pleasure and the pain - the beauty and not so beautiful. Some of this is not directly related to Gabrielle. It's about me, and where I have been. But I'm selfishly using this ceremony as a symbol of closure.

Symbolism has always had much power for me. Burning something/ throwing it away. Sealing it. Changing it into something completely different. Sometimes the physical act of doing something that has meaning to only you is what you need to start the facilitation of your process.

Like my poetry. Each one, has been written after some kind of spiritual/ emotional process. And when eventually I can word it, and send it out into the universe, I know I'm well on my may to healing, even if it's only acknowledgement of it's existance at that stage.

Love and Light to you, Diva. You're Beautiful.

you, are beautiful.

 

[Recidiva]

'Tis the time. It's Gabrielle's unveiling of the tombstone on Sunday. We're having a spiritual ceremony for her. We had the same for my daughter's Blessing, and Thanks giving. And I'm writing the ceremony. I'd hoped it would be a good journey for me - very similar to where you are. It's not easy, but I know that this way, I will be able to say exactly what I want to. And that's not only liberating, but it's healing. And the way to get to the "right words" is through meditating and sifting through old memories - the pleasure and the pain - the beauty and not so beautiful. Some of this is not directly related to Gabrielle. It's about me, and where I have been. But I'm selfishly using this ceremony as a symbol of closure.

Symbolism has always had much power for me. Burning something/ throwing it away. Sealing it. Changing it into something completely different. Sometimes the physical act of doing something that has meaning to only you is what you need to start the facilitation of your process.

Like my poetry. Each one, has been written after some kind of spiritual/ emotional process. And when eventually I can word it, and send it out into the universe, I know I'm well on my may to healing, even if it's only acknowledgement of it's existance at that stage.

Love and Light to you, Diva. You're Beautiful.

I'm in need of a symbol. My compost mound is my concept, and one that works for me. It just describes where I am. It's just a natural part of what to do with the odds and ends and bits. Relationships that didn't sprout, or died suddenly, or wilted in a cold snap. Failure. And not failure I comprehend. All was well and then it just wasn't. It wasn't from something I did, and I keep trying to find a cause.

For me the closure doesn't come because I want to hang onto the mystery of what happens if I cling to the pain. Will it call people back to me? Is it my beacon, my banner, my way for those who I love to find me again?

Speaking to you now I know the path needs to lead to rebirth, but I need to do that myself. The symbol hasn't yet been grasped.

I want to know why still. I don't like not knowing the answers. Perhaps I think I will grow questionmark plants in this odd place.

You are and have always been, and continue to be, a lifeline and an inspiration.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

strange

 

[Recidiva]

strange

No doubt. But I'm used to that.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

No doubt. But I'm used to that.

I sooooooooo get your strangeness.

 

[Recidiva]

I sooooooooo get your strangeness.

It's a gift to have company in a pretend place that's strange. Maybe that's the answer. Realizing I'm not alone here.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

It's a gift to have company in a pretend place that's strange. Maybe that's the answer. Realizing I'm not alone here.

There are many of us out there, we have just been fortunate to find one another throught this beautiful electronic wonderland.

 

[cloudy]

It's a gift to have company in a pretend place that's strange. Maybe that's the answer. Realizing I'm not alone here.

Indeed not. Strangeness abounds.

 

[Recidiva]

There are many of us out there, we have just been fortunate to find one another throught this beautiful electronic wonderland.

"Ring around the Compost!"

 

[Recidiva]

Indeed not. Strangeness abounds.

I'm just grateful to be in the company of such magnificent women.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

"Ring around the Compost!"

That would make a great title for a Halloween story.

 

[Recidiva]

That would make a great title for a Halloween story.

Part of this is because of my Halloween story. Trying to think like an insane 400-year-old masochistic ghost brings up...issues.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Part of this is because of my Halloween story. Trying to think like an insane 400-year-old masochistic ghost brings up...issues.

I know all about issues.....but not as a 400 yr old masochistic ghost. My compost has lots of coffee grounds and cigarette butts

 

[Guest]

I'm just grateful to be in the company of such magnificent women.

I thought "Magnificent Women" would be a great title myself.

*squeeze*

Wallowing. Yes. A somewhat guilty pleasure, rolling in it, knowing you can now wash it off. A chance to sift through the peelings and waste and see where you've been. The time for sadness is over, as these castoffs are now fertile ground for growth. Still - you mourn a little for what was - and think maybe there might have been some value.

What a powerful metaphor..

 

[Recidiva]

I know all about issues.....but not as a 400 yr old masochistic ghost. My compost has lots of coffee grounds and cigarette butts

Mine sews her own lips shut.

Maybe if I got her to smoke and drink coffee...

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Mine sews her own lips shut.

Maybe if I got her to smoke and drink coffee...

Mine is a repressed demon whisperer. I now have a real shrink here that I just started seeing, I'll bag my compost and take it with me next time.

 

[Recidiva]

I thought "Magnificent Women" would be a great title myself.

*squeeze*

Wallowing. Yes. A somewhat guilty pleasure, rolling in it, knowing you can now wash it off. A chance to sift through the peelings and waste and see where you've been. The time for sadness is over, as these castoffs are now fertile ground for growth. Still - you mourn a little for what was - and think maybe there might have been some value.

What a powerful metaphor..

It would be a great title.

Yes, a lot like that. Too late for action, and not really seriously considering replaying the events. More of a study of how, even when doing the right things, it's not right enough. It is a little guilty, a little egotistical, a little feeling sorry for myself. But it's where I should be right now.

 

[Recidiva]

Mine is a repressed demon whisperer. I now have a real shrink here that I just started seeing, I'll bag my compost and take it with me next time.

I don't have one of those. Unless you're volunteering.

 

[Guest]

i spend far too much time dealing with what youre talking about, diva.

it just seems to me sometimes that issues that takes other people over night to figure out and deal with takes a life time for me.

and i've learnt that all the humour in the world and running away from everbody doesnt change anything. i actually have to do something about it myself. figure that!

vana's been a great help for me in just being able to talk it all out. i seem to think that everything is wrong and ugly when i'm trying to deal with something. she always sees the light. and she shows me that and its something i can hold onto while i'm dealing with all the shit.

good luck on your journey babe

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I don't have one of those. Unless you're volunteering.

The doors always open for you, just wipe your feet first.

 

[Recidiva]

i spend far too much time dealing with what youre talking about, diva.

it just seems to me sometimes that issues that takes other people over night to figure out and deal with takes a life time for me.

and i've learnt that all the humour in the world and running away from everbody doesnt change anything. i actually have to do something about it myself. figure that!

vana's been a great help for me in just being able to talk it all out. i seem to think that everything is wrong and ugly when i'm trying to deal with something. she always sees the light. and she shows me that and its something i can hold onto while i'm dealing with all the shit.

good luck on your journey babe

Humor's my shield. (see re: ring around the compost...)

I'm pretty good at sitting still and listening, this is one of those times. Right now I'm listening to silence and my concept of failure. I suppose it's because I need to hear it, truly hear it, and come to terms with it. I'm not learning yet, though. I'm just in this space, thinking I know the answer. But a larger part of me that doesn't really use words is making certain I stay there until I get it. And I know the answer can't be put into words, but sometimes it can be touched through metaphors, enough to suggest its existence and magnitude.

Mostly I know this might take a while. Longer than I'd like to spend in this spot, but that's because things have turned into something I need right now.