Mistress
Lit's Original Mistress
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2001
- Posts
- 13,167
METS CONTEST WORLD SERIES
NEW YORK (AP) - The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.
The batting, pitching and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.
"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the
irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."
One claim specifically noted that a small
percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.
Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.
"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."
Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.
"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.
Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees," said a
Mets spokesman. "The World Series Crown is rightly ours."
The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment".
THE VOTER POKEY
You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!
FLORIDA TO FACE EXILE
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning,
Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000
Presidential election.
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done
lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy
commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are
valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new
election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."
Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.
"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
ENGLAND'S ROYALTY ADDRESS THE US
To the citizens of the United States of America...
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the Same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed" .
2. There is no such thing as "US English" . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
NEW YORK (AP) - The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.
The batting, pitching and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.
"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the
irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."
One claim specifically noted that a small
percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.
Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.
"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."
Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.
"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.
Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees," said a
Mets spokesman. "The World Series Crown is rightly ours."
The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment".
THE VOTER POKEY
You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!
FLORIDA TO FACE EXILE
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning,
Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000
Presidential election.
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done
lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy
commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are
valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new
election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."
Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.
"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
ENGLAND'S ROYALTY ADDRESS THE US
To the citizens of the United States of America...
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the Same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up "interspersed" .
2. There is no such thing as "US English" . We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
