El Paso...MistressLynn...feedback

[_Lynn_]

The guidelines were simple~~~~

1) Use any one, all three or a combination of Marty Robbins "El Paso", "Faleena", "El Paso City" song lyrics.

2) Use any genre, POV, location, time period or story line

3) Use any lit category

4) Have fun


This is your chance to give feedback and comments.

El Paso--MistressLynn

 

[Guest]

The guidelines were simple~~~~

1) Use any one, all three or a combination of Marty Robbins "El Paso", "Faleena", "El Paso City" song lyrics.

2) Use any genre, POV, location, time period or story line

3) Use any lit category

4) Have fun


This is your chance to give feedback and comments.

El Paso--MistressLynn

I really enjoy your work. This was a wonderful piece. The only problem I had was that some of the dialogue was a bit stilted, but it didn't detract from the storyline. Great job.

 

[slyc_willie]

I don't think I need to tell you how much I loved your story, Lynn. As a writer, you have grown considerably. You know your characters, and more importantly, you make us know them. There were few plot errors I could find; overall, this tale of yours beats all the others.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I was lucky enough to see this grow. I may be biased as I helped a little. I saw the work and effort you put into this piece, and you should be proud. I echo Willie's comments, you have grown considerably as a writer!

 

[_Lynn_]

I really enjoy your work. This was a wonderful piece. The only problem I had was that some of the dialogue was a bit stilted, but it didn't detract from the storyline. Great job.

Dialogue is something I've been working on. I'll go into the second chapter and check it over better now too. I enjoyed writing this one. Thank you for the comments.

I don't think I need to tell you how much I loved your story, Lynn. As a writer, you have grown considerably. You know your characters, and more importantly, you make us know them. There were few plot errors I could find; overall, this tale of yours beats all the others

I could feel them, see them and hear them tell me their story. This is one I spent a lot of time on to show what I've learned in the last few months. I believe you've mentioned to me how much you loved it, yes, and thank you.

I was lucky enough to see this grow. I may be biased as I helped a little. I saw the work and effort you put into this piece, and you should be proud. I echo Willie's comments, you have grown considerably as a writer!

You were there, ready to help if something just didn't flow or to bounce an idea off for another scene. Thank you for all your encouragement---it's a part of what helped me to grow as a writer.

 

[TE999]

I am a wee bit tardy to this thread, however...

I have followed Mistress Lynn's work since she joined the Lit community and have watched her develop as a writer story by story.

'El Paso' is, in my opinion, her best story to date. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the character development and dialogue were quite good. The plot is unique to the other stories in the series and shows a refreshing take on the song lyrics.

I look forward to the sequel.

 

[MarshAlien]

"Wonderful piece.
"Loved your story."
"You should be proud."
"Best story to date."

Fer cryin' out loud, who are you people? This is the story feedback forum, people. Where we, to paraphrase J---- J------, are engaged in the business of shredding things.

I agree with Dani that your dialogue needs some work. In particular, this paragraph, which seems to need a little more punctuation (is it a song lyric? I don't really know this song, and it would help to bold the lyrics, I think, particularly since you're going to use italics for Emma's fantasies) just doesn't sound like someone would have actually said it:

"Out in New Mexico, many long years ago there in a shack in the desert, one night in a storm to a young Mexican couple, a baby was born moon gave its light to the world and the stars did the same mother and father, both proud of the daughter that heaven had sent them, Faleena was this baby's name."​

My advice to everyone with respect to dialogue is to say it aloud, or (even better) record yourself saying it and then listen to it. If it's something that you can hear someone else saying, go with it. If not, it's probably because it reflects your written abilities rather than your speaking ones.

The one other thing that I would suggest you work on is modifiers. It seems to me that you like them even more than my editor claims I do. For example, in this paragraph, not one of the sentences actually begins with the subject:

Sweat pouring from him, slamming into my body, his cock exploded, pumping streams of his hot thick cum into me until he collapsed. Lying partially on my chest, we struggled to breathe. Finding the strength to move, he pulled me into his arms. Smiling, he held me while we slept, satiated for the moment.​

I don't think you always have to begin with the subject, but I do think that it's good to mix them up a little bit more. Also, there are a few misplaced modifiers, in the Strunk and White sense. As in "Lying partially on my chest, we..." In that case, the modifier refers only to him, not to Emma and her cowboy. Or in this sentence: "Demanding now to be closer, heat flared as my hands roamed his back." Heat is the subject, but the modifier apparently addresses either the narrator or her lover. Am I being picky? Yes. But I think more careful attention to these kinds of things will make you an even better writer.

Having said all of this, it should be obvious to everyone, from the comment that I left (before the story appeared here) and the fact that I am advertising this story in my signature, that I loved this piece. The plot was quite good, but it was the characters that really moved the story along and held my interest. Very nicely done, Lynn.

 

[_Lynn_]

I am a wee bit tardy to this thread, however...

I have followed Mistress Lynn's work since she joined the Lit community and have watched her develop as a writer story by story.

'El Paso' is, in my opinion, her best story to date. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the character development and dialogue were quite good. The plot is unique to the other stories in the series and shows a refreshing take on the song lyrics.

I look forward to the sequel.

Thank you for the encouragement. The sequel is coming along quite well.

 

[_Lynn_]

"Wonderful piece.
"Loved your story."
"You should be proud."
"Best story to date."

Fer cryin' out loud, who are you people? This is the story feedback forum, people. Where we, to paraphrase J---- J------, are engaged in the business of shredding things.

I agree with Dani that your dialogue needs some work. In particular, this paragraph, which seems to need a little more punctuation (is it a song lyric? I don't really know this song, and it would help to bold the lyrics, I think, particularly since you're going to use italics for Emma's fantasies) just doesn't sound like someone would have actually said it:

"Out in New Mexico, many long years ago there in a shack in the desert, one night in a storm to a young Mexican couple, a baby was born moon gave its light to the world and the stars did the same mother and father, both proud of the daughter that heaven had sent them, Faleena was this baby's name."​

My advice to everyone with respect to dialogue is to say it aloud, or (even better) record yourself saying it and then listen to it. If it's something that you can hear someone else saying, go with it. If not, it's probably because it reflects your written abilities rather than your speaking ones.

The one other thing that I would suggest you work on is modifiers. It seems to me that you like them even more than my editor claims I do. For example, in this paragraph, not one of the sentences actually begins with the subject:

Sweat pouring from him, slamming into my body, his cock exploded, pumping streams of his hot thick cum into me until he collapsed. Lying partially on my chest, we struggled to breathe. Finding the strength to move, he pulled me into his arms. Smiling, he held me while we slept, satiated for the moment.​

I don't think you always have to begin with the subject, but I do think that it's good to mix them up a little bit more. Also, there are a few misplaced modifiers, in the Strunk and White sense. As in "Lying partially on my chest, we..." In that case, the modifier refers only to him, not to Emma and her cowboy. Or in this sentence: "Demanding now to be closer, heat flared as my hands roamed his back." Heat is the subject, but the modifier apparently addresses either the narrator or her lover. Am I being picky? Yes. But I think more careful attention to these kinds of things will make you an even better writer.

Having said all of this, it should be obvious to everyone, from the comment that I left (before the story appeared here) and the fact that I am advertising this story in my signature, that I loved this piece. The plot was quite good, but it was the characters that really moved the story along and held my interest. Very nicely done, Lynn.

The first part is lyrics, as you guessed, which I've tried to get fixed. Maybe someday it will not show as a part of the story.

Your next concern is part of her dream. Disjointed, yes. I felt that as part of a dream it wouldn't be a complete scene or thought for her. When she woke up, I wrote......

""trying to bring up some of the dream that nagged at my mind. I sensed it had something to do with the mysterious customer from the diner last night."" ......

to show it was bits and pieces and the incomplete thoughts as well. I've been told I tend to leave things for the reader to figure out, and not define like I should. This could be one of them

As I replied to Daniellekitten's post, dialogue is something I've had to work on. I'll keep working on it to improve.

The reason I wanted feedback from this chapter was in hopes of not repeating errors in the second chapter.

Thank you, Marsh, for the comments. I'm here to learn, so I'll take these back with me as I work on the sequel.

 

[tickledkitty]

Hey Lynn,

This is a sweet story. I could see the characters even without a lot of description. I liked the idea of it--the mysterious cowboy appearing out of the dark night and then disappearing again. Now I have this strange craving for peach pie...

I'm reluctant to give you my criticism in light of all the nice comments you've been getting. I believe it's what you're really asking for though, so here goes.

Although I should have been surprised to find this man waiting at my door, I wasn't.
She wasn’t surprised? Why not? How did he know where she lived? All fantasizing and flirting aside, this is a stranger that she just met twice in a diner. He could be any perv off the street. I don’t care what kind of connection she was feeling with him. She wasn’t wary at all? She didn’t question her own feelings even a little bit?

Good morning." He smiled at her. "Just on my way in to town, but something's on my mind that needs attention first."
You switched from first to third person here.

My face turned red as I realized my error. What error? And how does she know her face turned red? I think there’s a better way to say this. He sees it turn red, but she feels heat, blood rushing…something like that.

"Yes, Emma, I can picture it too. I see all of those things and more. Sweet Emma, I picture so much more." I think he uses her name too often. Next line: "What do you see in here, Emma? Is it the same things I do, I wonder?" See what I mean?

Ok, he’s in love already?? Again, this would say weirdo to me. Think about it. You meet a guy, have three very brief encounters with him, and he’s suddenly in love with you. Tell me that wouldn’t freak you out. Maybe more visits to the diner and more conversation between them while he's there would help. Also, maybe the visit to her place could have been a bit longer, giving them more time to interact and maybe give him a reason for being there.

I think she’s a little too quick telling him that she was fantasizing about him. That’s hard to tell someone. I think it would require a more intimate moment, more sharing having taken place. They haven’t even been on a date yet. I realize her visiting his ranch is being referred to as a date, but…I don’t know. It all seems too quick to me.

I'm a true believer in love at first sight. However, I think although people feel it, they question it. They rarely accept it and act on it immediately.

Now, I get to the proposal. Again, much too soon. I wanted more interaction between them. I wanted more of that sweet flirting and anticipation. I think you could have dragged it all out much more.

If this seems harsh, I apologize. I'm taking a break from editing my own story, and I'm frustrated.

 

[MarshAlien]

...I'm frustrated.

(first clarinets get like that. don't let it bother you, lynn.)

 

[tickledkitty]

(first clarinets get like that. don't let it bother you, lynn.)

I haven't been a first clarinetist in more years than I care to mention. My last experience was in the last chair in college. Dead last. And, God, I don't want to bother someone with my comments. That's not the point at all. Do I need to edit them too?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I haven't been a first clarinetist in more years than I care to mention. My last experience was in the last chair in college. Dead last. And, God, I don't want to bother someone with my comments. That's not the point at all. Do I need to edit them too?

You were being honest, and that's all that matters. I read your comments and you were clear and concise.

 

[tickledkitty]

You were being honest, and that's all that matters. I read your comments and you were clear and concise.

Thanks B.

 

[_Lynn_]

Hey Lynn,

This is a sweet story. I could see the characters even without a lot of description. I liked the idea of it--the mysterious cowboy appearing out of the dark night and then disappearing again. Now I have this strange craving for peach pie...

I'm reluctant to give you my criticism in light of all the nice comments you've been getting. I believe it's what you're really asking for though, so here goes.

Although I should have been surprised to find this man waiting at my door, I wasn't.
She wasn’t surprised? Why not? How did he know where she lived? All fantasizing and flirting aside, this is a stranger that she just met twice in a diner. He could be any perv off the street. I don’t care what kind of connection she was feeling with him. She wasn’t wary at all? She didn’t question her own feelings even a little bit?

Good morning." He smiled at her. "Just on my way in to town, but something's on my mind that needs attention first."
You switched from first to third person here.

My face turned red as I realized my error. What error? And how does she know her face turned red? I think there’s a better way to say this. He sees it turn red, but she feels heat, blood rushing…something like that.

"Yes, Emma, I can picture it too. I see all of those things and more. Sweet Emma, I picture so much more." I think he uses her name too often. Next line: "What do you see in here, Emma? Is it the same things I do, I wonder?" See what I mean?

Ok, he’s in love already?? Again, this would say weirdo to me. Think about it. You meet a guy, have three very brief encounters with him, and he’s suddenly in love with you. Tell me that wouldn’t freak you out. Maybe more visits to the diner and more conversation between them while he's there would help. Also, maybe the visit to her place could have been a bit longer, giving them more time to interact and maybe give him a reason for being there.

I think she’s a little too quick telling him that she was fantasizing about him. That’s hard to tell someone. I think it would require a more intimate moment, more sharing having taken place. They haven’t even been on a date yet. I realize her visiting his ranch is being referred to as a date, but…I don’t know. It all seems too quick to me.

I'm a true believer in love at first sight. However, I think although people feel it, they question it. They rarely accept it and act on it immediately.

Now, I get to the proposal. Again, much too soon. I wanted more interaction between them. I wanted more of that sweet flirting and anticipation. I think you could have dragged it all out much more.

If this seems harsh, I apologize. I'm taking a break from editing my own story, and I'm frustrated.

I'll answer more later, but also remember the guidelines here. This story is based on the lyrics which are about a love story.
Please don't edit your comments.

 

[tickledkitty]

I'll answer more later, but also remember the guidelines here. This story is based on the lyrics which are about a love story.
Please don't edit your comments.

I won't. That was just my frustration level coming through.

I'm not familiar with any of the songs, so if my comments aren't appropriate, I apologize.

 

[Varian P]

Hi, ML.

Your prose is working well in the story; it's straightforward and seems in-keeping with the narrator. The problems I noticed with clarity and formatting and other little slips have been mentioned elsewhere, so I won't detail them again.

You did a nice job creating the setting and the atmosphere. I feel a kind of repetitive tedium to her existence, so even though nothing extraordinary transpires between Emma and the cowboy for most of the story, his appearance in her life feels momentous.

By the time he's confessing his love and proposing marriage, I'm deeply hoping that it's all going to go horribly wrong in chapter two; that would be a delicious turn of events after the all-too-easy love-at-first sight set-up, which is pretty hard to indulge. I feel we even got what could be a bit of foreshadowing of an unhappy ending, with the mention of her friends worrying that she trusts too easily, and her checking in with her instincts a couple of times. That would also make this a fun (in a cruel way ) call-out on implausible fairtytale romance.

Speaking to this chapter as it stands on its own, I agree with many of tickledkitty's points. I'm okay with Emma's fantasies--it's normal to explore things in our dreams before we're ready to go there in real life, but the intensity and speed with which Logan comes on sets off alarm bells: either he's trouble (and she's a bit tragic), or I'm being asked to buy into true love based on a few brief interactions with no depth. If this is really going on to be a sweet love story, I need to see a lot more substance--something beyond silvery eyes and peach pie) to their attraction before I'll care about them and their relationship. At this point, I'm not the least bit invested in their love, and the proposal has me rolling my eyes, not reaching for the tissues.

If you are going for the real romance, I think all that's needed is a couple scenes where they learn something real about each other.

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[_Lynn_]

Hey Lynn,

This is a sweet story. I could see the characters even without a lot of description. I liked the idea of it--the mysterious cowboy appearing out of the dark night and then disappearing again. Now I have this strange craving for peach pie...

I'm reluctant to give you my criticism in light of all the nice comments you've been getting. I believe it's what you're really asking for though, so here goes.
Don't be
Although I should have been surprised to find this man waiting at my door, I wasn't.
She wasn’t surprised? Why not? How did he know where she lived? All fantasizing and flirting aside, this is a stranger that she just met twice in a diner. He could be any perv off the street. I don’t care what kind of connection she was feeling with him. She wasn’t wary at all? She didn’t question her own feelings even a little bit? This I cover below

Good morning." He smiled at her. "Just on my way in to town, but something's on my mind that needs attention first."
You switched from first to third person here.
Yup. Missed it after all the times I went over it too.
My face turned red as I realized my error. What error? And how does she know her face turned red? I think there’s a better way to say this. He sees it turn red, but she feels heat, blood rushing…something like that.
Very good point and a better way of describing it too.
"Yes, Emma, I can picture it too. I see all of those things and more. Sweet Emma, I picture so much more." I think he uses her name too often. Next line: "What do you see in here, Emma? Is it the same things I do, I wonder?" See what I mean?
I'll get this below
Ok, he’s in love already?? Again, this would say weirdo to me. Think about it. You meet a guy, have three very brief encounters with him, and he’s suddenly in love with you. Tell me that wouldn’t freak you out. Maybe more visits to the diner and more conversation between them while he's there would help. Also, maybe the visit to her place could have been a bit longer, giving them more time to interact and maybe give him a reason for being there.

I think she’s a little too quick telling him that she was fantasizing about him. That’s hard to tell someone. I think it would require a more intimate moment, more sharing having taken place. They haven’t even been on a date yet. I realize her visiting his ranch is being referred to as a date, but…I don’t know. It all seems too quick to me.

I'm a true believer in love at first sight. However, I think although people feel it, they question it. They rarely accept it and act on it immediately.

Now, I get to the proposal. Again, much too soon. I wanted more interaction between them. I wanted more of that sweet flirting and anticipation. I think you could have dragged it all out much more ((I had a deadline for submitting ..LOL...Chapter II coming your way....))

If this seems harsh, I apologize. I'm taking a break from editing my own story, and I'm frustrated. I put this here to get honest opinions. Don't apologize for that.

**********

The rest I will try to address here as a group. El Paso, Faleena and El Paso City tell a story in themselves. I chose to go away from that story and tell my own and still stay within the guidelines given.

Emma and Logan fall in love quickly, "feel" this is their "destiny" through the short times together at the diner. Implied as a ranch owner and a widow that they aren't young, they understand life and themselves more. The lyrics tell of the cowboy falling in love, but it ends in his death. I didn't want that, so going with the deep feelings, I let the characters tell me the rest. Thats where the destiny came from.

He appears at her door and she isn't surprised. Small town, older days, little crime. Going with the romance and not the reality of America today, I let that go. A good point though.

In using her name often. I went back and forth on that one. It was deleted in many places, but each time the character came back and said no that was the way he spoke. In checking some areas, yes it's too often. It's already noted to watch for in the second chapter, thanks.

The marriage proposal happened. I felt it fit with what was going on at the time, the love at first sight type of story it is. Would it be that way in reality? I doubt it.

One thing I know I'm guilty of and that's leaving too much for the reader to think about. I get bored if I read something that gives me everything, so I make the mistake of writing how I would read. Instead of giving more details and descriptions, I leave things questionable for the reader to fill in. It's something I'm working on, but I don't always succeed. It's been pointed out be three gentlemen on Lit that I respect a great deal and I agreed with them.

So after all of that...LOL.

Yes, this has love happening right away, a marriage proposal in days, dreams shared a bit, and destiny. It has emotions from them both taken by how I read the lyrics, the love story in them.

Thank you for your comments and I hope I answered them a bit for you.

 

[tickledkitty]

Hmmm...I just had an idea after reading Varian's comments. What if it turns out that Logan is not such a nice guy? What if things start happening around town that just started after he arrived? It could get really ugly, with all fingers pointing to him,things in his past rearing their ugly heads, etc. Emma won't want to believe any it. But then it will turn out that it wasn't him after all, and she was right all along. Happy ending. Anyway, just an idea.

 

[_Lynn_]

Hi, ML.

Your prose is working well in the story; it's straightforward and seems in-keeping with the narrator. The problems I noticed with clarity and formatting and other little slips have been mentioned elsewhere, so I won't detail them again.

You did a nice job creating the setting and the atmosphere. I feel a kind of repetitive tedium to her existence, so even though nothing extraordinary transpires between Emma and the cowboy for most of the story, his appearance in her life feels momentous.

By the time he's confessing his love and proposing marriage, I'm deeply hoping that it's all going to go horribly wrong in chapter two; that would be a delicious turn of events after the all-too-easy love-at-first sight set-up, which is pretty hard to indulge. I feel we even got what could be a bit of foreshadowing of an unhappy ending, with the mention of her friends worrying that she trusts too easily, and her checking in with her instincts a couple of times. That would also make this a fun (in a cruel way ) call-out on implausible fairtytale romance.

Speaking to this chapter as it stands on its own, I agree with many of tickledkitty's points. I'm okay with Emma's fantasies--it's normal to explore things in our dreams before we're ready to go there in real life, but the intensity and speed with which Logan comes on sets off alarm bells: either he's trouble (and she's a bit tragic), or I'm being asked to buy into true love based on a few brief interactions with no depth. If this is really going on to be a sweet love story, I need to see a lot more substance--something beyond silvery eyes and peach pie) to their attraction before I'll care about them and their relationship. At this point, I'm not the least bit invested in their love, and the proposal has me rolling my eyes, not reaching for the tissues.

If you are going for the real romance, I think all that's needed is a couple scenes where they learn something real about each other.

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

Comments are always helpful. I can see this from a different perspective that I'm learning tidbits from. As several on this thread will agree, I'm all for learning.

I don't want to be repititive in my replies, but I keep going back to the romance/lyrics issue. From the point of writing this as a romance on it's own, thare are holes all through it. Sitting here with the five pages of lyrics in front of me, I see a cowboy coming to town, falling in love, and a gunfight where her cowboy kills another, then leaves town. There is the cantina, or I used the diner. The gunfight on horses, which I used as the decoration of his money pouch, if you caught that.

As for a romance and learning something real, that would add depth for sure. Interesting thoughts adding to the list already.

You and TK both make valid points geared to the romance story side here. The story was written geared to the lyrics and fits in the romance. It appears I didn't mesh the two very well.

I appreciate all your comments. Let me know if I missed something yet.

 

[Varian P]

The story was written geared to the lyrics and fits in the romance. It appears I didn't mesh the two very well.

Actually, I think you meshed them together fine: the romance and the elements you mention that derive from the song lyrics are all coming together nicely.

I saw nothing in the story that didn't fit with the other elements; to my mind, it's only that a bit more is needed. I even think you can make the love-at-first-sight whirlwind romance work. But if there isn't going to be more build-up via their interactions, then as a reader, I need a bit more to happen inside her head, to get me to the place where I believe her feelings are so strong that she agrees to marry a man with whom she's spent a cumulative total of forty-five minutes.

I understand that the song was the impetus behind the story, and I have no doubt that writing to different challenges is a great way to flex the author's muscles. But I think, once the deadline's past, it's worth considering whether you're satisfied having done a great job at a writing exercise, or whether you want to craft a story that you feel works on its own terms.

-Varian

 

[_Lynn_]

Actually, I think you meshed them together fine: the romance and the elements you mention that derive from the song lyrics are all coming together nicely.

I saw nothing in the story that didn't fit with the other elements; to my mind, it's only that a bit more is needed. I even think you can make the love-at-first-sight whirlwind romance work. But if there isn't going to be more build-up via their interactions, then as a reader, I need a bit more to happen inside her head, to get me to the place where I believe her feelings are so strong that she agrees to marry a man with whom she's spent a cumulative total of forty-five minutes.

I understand that the song was the impetus behind the story, and I have no doubt that writing to different challenges is a great way to flex the author's muscles. But I think, once the deadline's past, it's worth considering whether you're satisfied having done a great job at a writing exercise, or whether you want to craft a story that you feel works on its own terms.

-Varian

Good point. The ending I had in mind tied the chapter in with the first one and the lyrics. But if as you say I stop with the lyrics, I can go away from those as well. The only reason I planned a second chapter was to finish the lyrics to the story I have.

I have a couple things in my head that also tie the lyrics to the story that would be one of those "whoa" things.

So I need to look at what I have written, in the context of what you're saying here, and find a kicker. A something so strong that he does or did.....

 

[writelove]

I have not read the other comments so these may be duplicates. At least you will get a completely fresh perspective. I will read the other comments later to see if I am totally against the grain in my opinion.

Your first three paragraphes were excellent. They pulled me into the story, allowed me to believe I was in good hands.

The images were good.

Somehow, the lyrics seemed to fit this quiet stranger. He was just finishing his coffee and apple pie. I had been watching him as I worked: refilling the sugar, salt and pepper containers. The glasses were spotless as I dried them over and over just to be able to peer in his direction. He was the type that drew you to him--like a magnet.

The diner had been slow tonight so when he came in he had his choice of seats. After a brief glance around he had taken the booth in the corner. Dressed all in black, his duster was shiny from the light rain that still fell. The drops of water on the brim of his cowboy hat sparkled under the lights.

found the phrase "fresh blood" a bit odd. Maybe simply say that a change was needed.

I wondered about the Carson property outside of town. It had been vacant for a long time and could use fresh blood.

I would say something else for the below or just remove the phrase. I already know she is intrigued by the stranger in black.

I closed up, I knew I wanted to learn more about this intriguing stranger.

For several paragraphs things flowed smoothly, then I read the following. No big deal but could be better. Say something like my palms were sweaty all morning. Once I dropped a tray. I had never done such a thing before.

Normally work was just something I had to do, but today I was excited

I am being quite picky now, but the following paragraph could also use a bit of touchup in my opinion. I think her interest should almost seem casual like, so only we can see the growing passion rising in her. Perhaps the paragraphs could be stated as follows:
My eyes quickly scanned the room, looking for him. I'd recognize that black hat anywhere. He'd always arrived later, just after dinner. We might even be alone then.

My eyes quickly scanned the room, looking for him, though somehow I felt he wouldn't be around during the daytime. The best thing about him coming in so near closing time, was that by then the diner was almost deserted. That would make it much easier for me to steal glances in his direction.

Again this is good. I think it can be better. I would delete the sentence of being flustered and simply say something like: Without thinking I found myself filling all the sugar containers on the tables, ending up spilling a fountain of the crystals. Jerking my head in dismay, I saw him staring straight at me, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.

Still a bit flustered from the short verbal interaction with this handsome stranger, I found myself filling the sugar containers on the counter.

Maybe I am wrong with this, but the dialog when the girl starts talking to the cowboy didn't seem nearly as natural and flowing of the rest of the story. I wouldn't use the word cowboy or darlin in the conversations. So far my anticipation is high and I was expecting more than this. Perhaps you could say something like: "I think you'll like the meatloaf," I said, my voice cracking. "It's a special recipe." I slid the plate in front of him. "Let me warm your coffee."

"Here you go, cowboy. Best meatloaf this side of Santa Fe. Need a refill on the coffee?" I slid the plate in front of him.

All that talk about food was a bit tedious in my opinion. I think giving him some pie and having him say he'll come back for more is fine, but it was a bit too much. Maybe ask him about the place he is staying at, where he's from, that sort of thing. It could even be a game. He asks about pie and you say, it's a mystery pie, you'll need to guess. I'll tell you if you tell me if you're staying at that old Carson place.

**************

Overall, the story was quite good. I tried to find a few things for you to think about. Just some thoughts that hit me as I read your story.

You definitely have considerable talent writing as many people do at Lit.

 

[_Lynn_]

I have not read the other comments so these may be duplicates. At least you will get a completely fresh perspective. I will read the other comments later to see if I am totally against the grain in my opinion.

Your first three paragraphes were excellent. They pulled me into the story, allowed me to believe I was in good hands.

The images were good.


found the phrase "fresh blood" a bit odd. Maybe simply say that a change was needed.


I would say something else for the below or just remove the phrase. I already know she is intrigued by the stranger in black.


For several paragraphs things flowed smoothly, then I read the following. No big deal but could be better. Say something like my palms were sweaty all morning. Once I dropped a tray. I had never done such a thing before.


I am being quite picky now, but the following paragraph could also use a bit of touchup in my opinion. I think her interest should almost seem casual like, so only we can see the growing passion rising in her. Perhaps the paragraphs could be stated as follows:
My eyes quickly scanned the room, looking for him. I'd recognize that black hat anywhere. He'd always arrived later, just after dinner. We might even be alone then.


Again this is good. I think it can be better. I would delete the sentence of being flustered and simply say something like: Without thinking I found myself filling all the sugar containers on the tables, ending up spilling a fountain of the crystals. Jerking my head in dismay, I saw him staring straight at me, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.


Maybe I am wrong with this, but the dialog when the girl starts talking to the cowboy didn't seem nearly as natural and flowing of the rest of the story. I wouldn't use the word cowboy or darlin in the conversations. So far my anticipation is high and I was expecting more than this. Perhaps you could say something like: "I think you'll like the meatloaf," I said, my voice cracking. "It's a special recipe." I slid the plate in front of him. "Let me warm your coffee."


All that talk about food was a bit tedious in my opinion. I think giving him some pie and having him say he'll come back for more is fine, but it was a bit too much. Maybe ask him about the place he is staying at, where he's from, that sort of thing. It could even be a game. He asks about pie and you say, it's a mystery pie, you'll need to guess. I'll tell you if you tell me if you're staying at that old Carson place.

**************

Overall, the story was quite good. I tried to find a few things for you to think about. Just some thoughts that hit me as I read your story.

You definitely have considerable talent writing as many people do at Lit.

Thank you for your comments. I'm off to bed, but will reply to this tomorrow.

 

[_Lynn_]

I have not read the other comments so these may be duplicates. At least you will get a completely fresh perspective. I will read the other comments later to see if I am totally against the grain in my opinion.

Your first three paragraphes were excellent. They pulled me into the story, allowed me to believe I was in good hands.

The images were good.

I found the phrase "fresh blood" a bit odd. Maybe simply say that a change was needed.

I would say something else for the below or just remove the phrase. I already know she is intrigued by the stranger in black.


For several paragraphs things flowed smoothly, then I read the following. No big deal but could be better. Say something like my palms were sweaty all morning. Once I dropped a tray. I had never done such a thing before.


I am being quite picky now, but the following paragraph could also use a bit of touchup in my opinion. I think her interest should almost seem casual like, so only we can see the growing passion rising in her. Perhaps the paragraphs could be stated as follows:
My eyes quickly scanned the room, looking for him. I'd recognize that black hat anywhere. He'd always arrived later, just after dinner. We might even be alone then.


Again this is good. I think it can be better. I would delete the sentence of being flustered and simply say something like: Without thinking I found myself filling all the sugar containers on the tables, ending up spilling a fountain of the crystals. Jerking my head in dismay, I saw him staring straight at me, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.


Maybe I am wrong with this, but the dialog when the girl starts talking to the cowboy didn't seem nearly as natural and flowing of the rest of the story. I wouldn't use the word cowboy or darlin in the conversations. So far my anticipation is high and I was expecting more than this. Perhaps you could say something like: "I think you'll like the meatloaf," I said, my voice cracking. "It's a special recipe." I slid the plate in front of him. "Let me warm your coffee."


All that talk about food was a bit tedious in my opinion. I think giving him some pie and having him say he'll come back for more is fine, but it was a bit too much. Maybe ask him about the place he is staying at, where he's from, that sort of thing. It could even be a game. He asks about pie and you say, it's a mystery pie, you'll need to guess. I'll tell you if you tell me if you're staying at that old Carson place.

**************

Overall, the story was quite good. I tried to find a few things for you to think about. Just some thoughts that hit me as I read your story.
You definitely have considerable talent writing as many people do at Lit.[/

I've read your comments again now that I'm awake and will try to address them here.

"Cowboy" I used to go along with the lyrics from this challenge. "Darlin" was used in the south, in a flirty way. To me, they fit both the story line and the characters personality. To not use anything felt a bit awkward to me.

The talk about pie was tied together in several places. It's used from the teasing about marrying her for it, showing up at her place and offering to carry it to the diner, taking one to the ranch on their tour, to the ending and her remark about a lifetime of pies. Maybe it's too much, I'll take note of that.

The characters in El Paso told their own story. I listened to them, got to know them and wrote the story.

It's interesting to hear other views on my version of this, and though I may not agree with all of it, I do appreciate that you took the time to leave your comments. It gives me more to think about for sure.