Einstein's Jokees

[shereads]

Opening lines from jokes that Albert Einstein should have told, borrowed from National Public Radio's program, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me."



"Two ducks walk into a bar on der Nebenstrasse..."

"A duck, an ostrich and a lawyer get into a bar fight. The duck insists that general covariance is a physical principle..."




Can anyone think of an opening line for a duck joke that should have been told by....{name of unlikely historic person goes here}...?

I can't. But I'm only on my first cup of coffee.


Edited to add: Yes, I see the extra e in "jokees." See caffeine reference, above.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Vladimir Lenin: An unliberated running-dog lackey of the exploitive capitalistic West, a forward-looking politically enlightened party worker in the vanguard of the people’s liberation, and a Jew walk into a bar…

John Ashcroft: A terrorist, a potential terrorist, and a suspicious character walk into a bar…

A non-voter: Three guys with no difference between them walk into a bar…

Vlad Dracul: A type O, an AB positive, and a 0.01 per cent Irishman walk into a bar...

---dr.M.

 

[shereads]

Vladimir Lenin: An unliberated running-dog lackey of the exploitive capitalistic West, a forward-looking politically enlightened party worker in the vanguard of the people’s liberation, and a Jew walk into a bar…

~ A. Einstein

 

[Guest]

Jane Austen: Three unmarried women walk into a bar…

Samuel Beckett: Two men walk into a bar to wait for the third…

Shakespeare: A cross-gartered man, a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy, and an exotic woman past her salad days walk into a bar, (speaking in iambic pentameter)…

Stephen Hawking: Three supernova walk into a black hole…

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Jean-Paul Sarte: A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Pole discuss the existential meaninglessness and futility of walking into a bar…

Quentin Tarrantino: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi shoot and hack their way into a bar…

A Lit author: My sister who I can’t believe how unbelievably sexy she is walks into a bar with her size 44 DDD tits rubbing her pussy and moaning…

---dr.M.

 

[shereads]

George W. Bush: "José Mubarak walks into a bar..."

 

[Guest]

Freud: An Id, an Ego and a surrogate cigar walk into a bar...

 

[dr_mabeuse]

George W. Bush: "José Mubarak walks into a bar..."

No! Don't tell me! He didn't say that, did he?

And if he did, please don't tell me GWB tried talking Spanish to him...

---dr.M.

 

[shereads]

No! Don't tell me! He didn't say that, did he?

Your guess is as good as mine.

As someone said this morning on Wait-Wait, "since there are no transcripts, he might have answered every question{at the 9/11 hearing} with, 'Hey, did you see my new shoes?'"

 

[gauchecritic]

Laughing whilst typing

Chekhov: A modern young man, a bespectacled teacher and a woman of indeterminate years walk into formal dress shoes...

Mr Chekhov: two aging graduates from the Lee Strasberg institute and some random guy in a red vest get beamed down to a desert...

Ann Frank: Three Nazis search a bar...

CharleyH: These guys.. um.. sometimes all three.. a hen pecking my toes...

Gauche

 

[Guest]

Re: Laughing whilst typing

CharleyH: These guys.. um.. sometimes all three.. a hen pecking my toes...

Brilliant!

Charley's pal, Perdita

 

[shereads]

Re: Laughing whilst typing

Mr Chekhov: two aging graduates from the Lee Strasberg institute and some random guy in a red vest get beamed down to a desert...

Mr. Chekhov, encouraged by crowd reaction to his first joke, orders another Bud and continues,

"A priest, a nun and a rabbi are captured by an enemy wessel..."

 

[shereads]

Gauche, over here they're just called "red shirts." It's a fairly common term for someone who's expendable, doomed, and too clueless to refuse the assignment.

 

[shereads]

William Shatner: "A duck, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and KILL my SON!!"

 

[Guest]

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky : Yekaterina Grigoryeva Kschessinskaya, Agrippina Yosifovna Preobrazhenskaya and Borisovskaia Starodubskaya Iakovleva walk into a dacha...

 

[Guest]

Charles Dickens: A bespectacled gentleman, an eccentric old dame and a young scalliwag walk into a tavern...

Stephen King: A clown, a spider and a rabid dog walk into a possessed car...

Charles Darwin: An ape dragging his knuckles, a homo erectus with a large forehead and a football hooligan walk into a brawl...



Lou

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Jack Kerouac: Three guys—though there might at one time have been more, might have been an army of them: lost, beat, shrouded in holiness, footsore yet joyous with the knowledge that in this impermanent life where the bum, the martyr, the sacred goof has no place to rest a weary head, if indeed, it is weary (or wary. Bewarey!)--bedraggled, grizzled, nodding off, becoiffed with the infinite care and tender mercies of the strange angelic night that pours—yow!--like rich liquors from our own cerubic dreams, dreams that Cody shared too in his raw-boned, saintly unsuspecting joys, his joys of wild, bop-soaked nights in Frisco, in New York, at Birdland, bright with excitement as your own eyes dart everywhere, thinking: “Hi!” “Hey!” “Look out!” “Wow!” and the buddha-like eyes of Charlie Parker stare down from the bandstand saying “Everything’s now! And everything’s all right!—walk into a bar.

---dr.M.

 

[minsue]

Jack Kerouac: Three guys—though there might at one time have been more, might have been an army of them: lost, beat, shrouded in holiness, footsore yet joyous with the knowledge that in this impermanent life where the bum, the martyr, the sacred goof has no place to rest a weary head, if indeed, it is weary (or wary. Bewarey!)--bedraggled, grizzled, nodding off, becoiffed with the infinite care and tender mercies of the strange angelic night that pours—yow!--like rich liquors from our own cerubic dreams, dreams that Cody shared too in his raw-boned, saintly unsuspecting joys, his joys of wild, bop-soaked nights in Frisco, in New York, at Birdland, bright with excitement as your own eyes dart everywhere, thinking: “Hi!” “Hey!” “Look out!” “Wow!” and the buddha-like eyes of Charlie Parker stare down from the bandstand saying “Everything’s now! And everything’s all right!—walk into a bar.

---dr.M.

Beautiful

 

[Guest]

Minsue: A duck, a goose and Lucky walk into a bar...

 

[Guest]

Baldrick: A rat, a turnip and a cunning plan walk into a bra...

 

[Guest]

Baldrick: A rat, a turnip and a cunning plan walk into a bra...

 

[CrazyyAngel]

Well ... hope that makes sense ...

Peter Jackson: "A man, a dwarf and an elf walk into a bar ..."

John Woo: "Three white doves slowmotion their way into a bar ..."


CA

 

[Liar]

Quentin Tarrantino: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi shoot and hack their way into a bar…

Quentin Tarantino: One badass mutherfucker, and another fucking badass supercool motherfucker walks into a motherfucking bar.

 

[Liar]

Jack Kerouac: Three guys—though there might at one time have been more, might have been an army of them: lost, beat, shrouded in holiness, footsore yet joyous with the knowledge that in this impermanent life where the bum, the martyr, the sacred goof has no place to rest a weary head, if indeed, it is weary (or wary. Bewarey!)--bedraggled, grizzled, nodding off, becoiffed with the infinite care and tender mercies of the strange angelic night that pours—yow!--like rich liquors from our own cerubic dreams, dreams that Cody shared too in his raw-boned, saintly unsuspecting joys, his joys of wild, bop-soaked nights in Frisco, in New York, at Birdland, bright with excitement as your own eyes dart everywhere, thinking: “Hi!” “Hey!” “Look out!” “Wow!” and the buddha-like eyes of Charlie Parker stare down from the bandstand saying “Everything’s now! And everything’s all right!—walk into a bar.

---dr.M.

Ok, that was good.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Chris Farley walks into a bar......oooooh that's gonna leave a mark!

Jerry Springer, a stripper, her skank girlfriend, and her boyfriend walk into a trailerpark........