Eight Pools.... a kinkynkazoo story

[kinkynkazoo]

This is only my 2nd submittal, but it's already received the H next to it...

While this is all very new to me, I'd love additional feedback. I'm NO writer, as you'll be able to tell, based on a few gramatical errors (even after having it edited).

But I hope you all find it enjoyable.....
If you do, please let me know...(aside from the obvious mistakes, let me know if you think this story is enticing)

 

[kinkynkazoo]

Eight Pools.... link attached

Here's the link, sorry about the previous post...

Please critique and post your thoughts. Again, I'm VERY new to this and while I have an active imagination, I'm not skilled at writing them yet.....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=112566

anyways...I hope you all enjoy...

-kaz-

 

[*Catbabe*]

Hi Kinkynkazoo,
I iamgine with those little h's you get all kinds of "that was great comments" so I will just focus on things that could be stronger.

Two things you could work on to improve your writing would be to add more detail and to have more of an arc in your story line.

You don't establish your chracter or your setting in the reader's mind. I have never been to Hawaii, so I would have enjoyed your story more if you had placed more details about how things looked specifically, or how they smelled or sounded.

If you use words like beautiful, the image in my mind is fuzzy. If you say, "They drove along a curving narrow highway that was lined with jeweled coloured tropical flowers that perfumed the humid air." (serious overkill there but you get my drift), I can see where you are and put myself there too.

It's the same thing with the woman. It is good to not be too specific in terms of physical description so that you don't alienate readers and engage their own imaginations but you do need some specifics to make the picture of her come clearer. When you feel the urge to use a word like beautiful to describe her various assets, ask yourself why they are beautiful and use that explanation in your story instead.

My second comment is that a good story needs to have more than just description of events. It has an arc to it usually starting out low and then going up to the climax and then back down in the wrapping up phase. If you have some internal or external conflict in your story this arc will start to form quite naturally. It could just be something as simple as sexual tension building between the two characters to the point where there is a climax both for them and for the story.

Good luck,
Cat