Editors & Nice People for 49 poems

[Julian]

49 poems by Julian

I wrote these poems in a funk about a woman who I thought loved me, but really had to be a good wife to someone else. I pray he appreciates her.

Now, I want to pare down the best 7 or 8 for final posting at Literotica under my name “Julian” – see the link below.

Some are haiku’s, some are just free-form poems, and some are more blathering and ranting than any real semblance of honest art.

I wrote in a flurry and am hoping to make the best of my pain, humiliation & silliness.

Critiques would be appreciated. Comment on any one you wish. Now should I post them all here or make a survey & make several posting in groups of 9 or 10 so they can get a rating from the readers?

Blessings,




Julian​

 

[Julian]

Poem # 01

The further she is
The less I see of her smile
Easy to forget

 

[Julian]

Poem # 02

Never forgotten always remembered
Wanted more than life itself
I’ll love you always

 

[Julian]

Poem # 04

I wonder if these notes even matter
Every day I used to get up knowing there would
be something
- a note
- a picture
- even a word
The text were always a surprise
Showing me you interrupted your day for me
My first visit was my first step
- and I was preparing for another
But you became what you wanted
- abandoned
- falling
- at the whims of others
You made my mornings better
You were a ray of sunshine

 

[Angeline]

Hi Julian. Forty-nine poems is a lot and most here are working on their own writing. You might be better off posting what you feel are the few best of your poems and take the feedback as representative for them all.

 

[LaRocha]

Hey Julian, why not post all 49 in one submission with one general heading? It's easier seeing all of them in one space than spread out. Good luck with your writing.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Hi Julian. Forty-nine poems is a lot and most here are working on their own writing. You might be better off posting what you feel are the few best of your poems and take the feedback as representative for them all.

I agree with Angeline on this. Some people will post several at once, so often they get skipped when reading them.

Hey Julian, why not post all 49 in one submission with one general heading? It's easier seeing all of them in one space than spread out. Good luck with your writing.

There's a good chance many readers will bail out halfway through. Keep it small and simple. If your 3 posts are in some way illustrative you might try putting 2 or 3 together. 1 and 2 seem to be Haiku size (not sure about the form, some others here are more adept at the form), while #4 is about sonnet sized (what happened to 3 ?).

Comments on what you have here so far:
1 and 2 seem to express all too common feelings we have. Speaking for myself, I find 2 to be more true than 1 - time often seems to work slowly on these problems.
3 seems a little disjointed - you start out talking about notes she left you
(grammatical irritant - either 'texts were' or 'text was'). Then a visit (was this love at a distance? I've been and painfully failed in the end there). Then she does her own thing - why is she abandoned etc, or is that you?). Finally you tell here that she had made you happy

 

[Julian]

Replies & Thanks

Angeline, I shall cull the lot & sent a few more out at a time.

You're right; this could get lost in the shuffle.

LaRocha, more often I am a story-teller or even a screen writer but poetry leaked out of me that weekend. I'll be breaking them into lots to repost. Haiku's on one section and longer/sonnet/poems in another.

EroticOrogeny, you're right; it was a long distance relationship between two people already committed elsewhere. We broke our hearts in it all. So all the poems are different stories in our time line. I didn't wish to create these poems - just the pathos, love, bitterness or jealousy and longing is all that's left in me right now. I just went with my feelings at the moment pen touched paper. I worked with sound more than anything in my verses so I was disjointed and wondering how it sounded to the ear versus the grammatical correction. Also, you can't trust a program for corrections so thank you for that clue.

http://i31.tinypic.com/a09w8w.jpg

Blessings & thanks to those who read & advised. You're help is appreciated and you're gonna be in my cosmic blessings to the gods.

Always,




Julian​

 

[bflagsst]

Julian, are you neo/pagan? I like hearing about modern neo-pagans, you got any poems about that?

 

[Angeline]

I agree with Angeline on this. Some people will post several at once, so often they get skipped when reading them.



There's a good chance many readers will bail out halfway through. Keep it small and simple. If your 3 posts are in some way illustrative you might try putting 2 or 3 together. 1 and 2 seem to be Haiku size (not sure about the form, some others here are more adept at the form), while #4 is about sonnet sized (what happened to 3 ?).

Comments on what you have here so far:
1 and 2 seem to express all too common feelings we have. Speaking for myself, I find 2 to be more true than 1 - time often seems to work slowly on these problems.
3 seems a little disjointed - you start out talking about notes she left you
(grammatical irritant - either 'texts were' or 'text was'). Then a visit (was this love at a distance? I've been and painfully failed in the end there). Then she does her own thing - why is she abandoned etc, or is that you?). Finally you tell here that she had made you happy

Yes, I agree with this last point of yours, EO. If a big batch of poems--unrelated to each other--are submitted under one title, I will quickly get tired of reading and split lol. Much better to either group a few related pieces under one title or submit them separately.

Oh and Julian, you know that if you submit poems to Literotica, instead of posting them in a thread here, you can select comments as an option. Then, anyone who reads your poems on the new poems page can also comment. You may get feedback that way, too.

 

[Julian]

More thank yous & comments

Yes, I agree with this last point of yours, EO. If a big batch of poems--unrelated to each other--are submitted under one title, I will quickly get tired of reading and split lol. Much better to either group a few related pieces under one title or submit them separately.

Oh and Julian, you know that if you submit poems to Literotica, instead of posting them in a thread here, you can select comments as an option. Then, anyone who reads your poems on the new poems page can also comment. You may get feedback that way, too.

http://i29.tinypic.com/izatud.jpg

Actually I only wanted to submit the top 5 poems, one by one, as I have in the past with the others. Maybe a small block of 7 haikus, and a few of the free-form items. I was just looking to pare them down without trying to force a choice out of myself.

Maybe I need an editor to choose a group of the haikus & place them in order, discarding the rest. Then I can work with those alone as a posting, one posting with seven short poems.

Thank you all for your suggestions, questions & thoughts.

No, I am not a neo-pagan, just a confused man trying to rebuild his shattered heart.

Ciao everyone.



Julian

 

[wildsweetone]

...
No, I am not a neo-pagan, just a confused man trying to rebuild his shattered heart.

Julian, the title of your thread and this sentence above says things to me that you are possibly not yet 'over' what happened. i just want to make you aware that if your poetry (and possibly the reason for it) is still extremely close to your soul, publishing those poems via the submission section on Lit can mean that you may get responses from people that might hurt. not everyone is gentle in their critique.

if that is the case, then it might be a little easier on you if you continue to post them in a thread here on the forum and those of us who have time and inclination can comment.

try not to post them all at once, and the critique you receive and think worthwhile (i.e. suggested possible improvements you could make to your poem) could sometimes be used with the rest of your poetry. so each time something is mentioned, you could check it out and see if that is something that could be improved on, or that you want to improve on, in the next poem you post here. make sense?

if i'm barking up the wrong tree, then by all means submit your writing to the main submission area

the tricky part with posting a lot of poems and posting any with the intention of getting feedback is that everyone who gives feedback is going to critique in their own way. some poems may appeal to one person and not to another, for whatever reason. it can be a lot of feedback for a poet to work through and learn from.

what kind of critique are you looking for? grammatical/punctuation/word usage etc? or something different?

 

[Angeline]

Hey Julian I sent you a pm. The Editors' Forum is where you can look for an editor to work with you. If you want to put a poem or two in this thread (not a link, but actual poems), I'm sure you'll get some feedback. But it's best to find someone on the Editors' Forum to work with you if you have a big job.

Most of the folks here can give some feedback, but also want time to work on their own stuff.

 

[Julian]

Working Elsewhere

http://i41.tinypic.com/dnc6l0.jpg

Just a note to say 'thank you' for all your help & kind words. It's all been appreciated. I am working on some new fiction and feeling like my old self again.

If you're a glutton for punishment you can see all 49 poems posted on my blog; the link is below this reply.

If not I am working to pare them down as it is so keep an eye out and thanks again for your encouragement.

Blessings,


Julian​