Hi guys,
I need help with editing and would like to hear some feedback. Its a fantasy/romance/historical story taking on (Greek) mythology.
I haven't submitted it as it is only the intro/first chapter. I've got the rest of the story outlined though. This is my first time writing and first time posting on this thread so hopefully I'm not violating anything by including the story on this post.
Hope to hear from you guys.
Thanks,
A
--------------
“I hear the queen is in labor as well.” The midwife said to the deathly pale woman before her. “You just have to be strong and give it one final push and all will be good tidings.” With that the woman gave all her might in that final push and sure enough, it produced a boy. The child however, did not make a sound like the others, nor did it move with life. After slapping the child’s bottom, the midwife knew that the boy was gone. She looked to the mother and saw the empty look in her eyes and knew that she, too, was dead.
================================================================
While another entered as the other left the mortal plane, The Order of The Gods, high above Mt. Olyvatus, gathered to witness the sentence of one of their own.
A winged creature stood in the middle of the Order. He was neither fearful nor nervous about what is bound to happen. Instead he stood there in silence with a quiet strength radiating naturally from his ethereal form. The Gods around him watched in regal silence as they sat comfortably high up above their rightful thrones. There in the center platform, he waited.
“Kratos,” A commanding voice began. “Son of Promopotus, God of creation, and Anthea, Goddess of wisdom.”
“Are you aware of the damages you’ve done to the mortal plane and our Realm?”
“Nay, oh Great One.” His quick reply seemed to have angered Zeulos, but Kratos suppressed his amusement.
“You, Kratos, mean to tell me that you did not cast slavery among the mortals?”
“Nay my Lord. I only meant that I see no crime in casting just punishment for the humans, just as my father has rightfully received your punishment.” Kratos replied calmly, but his reply only fueled the ruler of the Gods even more.
“Your Father,” Zeulos paused to calm his senses. “Is a God and therefore and survive my punishment. Your father created the humans and stole my fire to give to the humans against my will.
“And I am only correcting my father’s mistakes by punishing his creations.” Kratos interjected.
“No my boy. You have given them the one thing I wish not they discover.”
“Suffering?” Kratos about to rant about Pandora when Zeulos spoke.
“Power.”
Kratos was silent for he need not reply no more.
“I, Zeulos, and The Order, hereby, punish you to the mortal plane for thirty years as a human slave. You will now be stripped of your godly powers and duties. Strength, planning, building and strategy will now be scarce among the humans as the God who govern these principles is no more. Lastly, do not think you can escape your punishment by simply killing your mortal self for you will only be resurrected to continue living the life of a slave.”
With that, a blinding white light engulfed Kratos and he felt the changes in his body. He felt his wings disappear, his immortal strength gone. He felt…human. With one last look above the Order, he saw his siblings Nike, Bia and Zelus, all with reassuring eyes as they sat uncomfortably in their throne. He looked to his mother next to Zeulos with pain in her eyes and he gave her a reassuring look. That all will be fine. Before his mother could utter a bloodcurdling wail, he was gone.
================================================================
The King heard a relentless high pitched scream coming from behind the Queen’s quarters. Then and there, he knew his child to be a girl. He ran as quick as he could and barged inside, nearly knocking the doors out of its hinges.
“Where is my daughter!” He announced with fervor and saw the lively child kicking and screaming against the midwife.
He gathered the still bloody child from the nurse and kissed his child on the her forehead. Immediately the child calmed and opened her eyes. The king saw the clearest of blue eyes.
“She has not stopped her furious cries since she came out!” She queen said with a smile.
The king rushed to his queen and kissed her tenderly on the lips.
“Alecto. Her name will be Alecto.”
The queen could not stop the laugh coming out of her weak state. “As one of the Furies?!”
“You did say furious.” The king laughed and allowed the child to be with its mother.
“She is beautiful.” The queen said as she held the child with all the love in the world.
“Just like her mother.” The king kissed her again, passionately this time. “Now rest my queen, you have given me all the joy I could only think impossible.”
================================================================
The midwife held the lifeless child in her arms. His mother had been cleaned and now awaits her final resting place.
“You shall be with your mother soon little one.” She said quietly to the child as she set him down to be cleaned.
Gently, she began to pour water on his head to cleanse the dried blood on his head. She was carefully making her way to his forehead when the deepest of green eyes startled the life out of her. The child was alive and he was staring at her with a quiet strength that was enough to stun her. The child did not cry, nor did if fuss like any other newborn. Instead the child only stared at her with all knowing eyes as if he knew exactly what his place is in this world.
Strength was all she could see from the child and before she knew it, this child would be her own. “Kratos. You will be called Kratos.”
================================================================
I need help with editing and would like to hear some feedback. Its a fantasy/romance/historical story taking on (Greek) mythology.
I haven't submitted it as it is only the intro/first chapter. I've got the rest of the story outlined though. This is my first time writing and first time posting on this thread so hopefully I'm not violating anything by including the story on this post.
Hope to hear from you guys.
Thanks,
A
--------------
“I hear the queen is in labor as well.” The midwife said to the deathly pale woman before her. “You just have to be strong and give it one final push and all will be good tidings.” With that the woman gave all her might in that final push and sure enough, it produced a boy. The child however, did not make a sound like the others, nor did it move with life. After slapping the child’s bottom, the midwife knew that the boy was gone. She looked to the mother and saw the empty look in her eyes and knew that she, too, was dead.
================================================================
While another entered as the other left the mortal plane, The Order of The Gods, high above Mt. Olyvatus, gathered to witness the sentence of one of their own.
A winged creature stood in the middle of the Order. He was neither fearful nor nervous about what is bound to happen. Instead he stood there in silence with a quiet strength radiating naturally from his ethereal form. The Gods around him watched in regal silence as they sat comfortably high up above their rightful thrones. There in the center platform, he waited.
“Kratos,” A commanding voice began. “Son of Promopotus, God of creation, and Anthea, Goddess of wisdom.”
“Are you aware of the damages you’ve done to the mortal plane and our Realm?”
“Nay, oh Great One.” His quick reply seemed to have angered Zeulos, but Kratos suppressed his amusement.
“You, Kratos, mean to tell me that you did not cast slavery among the mortals?”
“Nay my Lord. I only meant that I see no crime in casting just punishment for the humans, just as my father has rightfully received your punishment.” Kratos replied calmly, but his reply only fueled the ruler of the Gods even more.
“Your Father,” Zeulos paused to calm his senses. “Is a God and therefore and survive my punishment. Your father created the humans and stole my fire to give to the humans against my will.
“And I am only correcting my father’s mistakes by punishing his creations.” Kratos interjected.
“No my boy. You have given them the one thing I wish not they discover.”
“Suffering?” Kratos about to rant about Pandora when Zeulos spoke.
“Power.”
Kratos was silent for he need not reply no more.
“I, Zeulos, and The Order, hereby, punish you to the mortal plane for thirty years as a human slave. You will now be stripped of your godly powers and duties. Strength, planning, building and strategy will now be scarce among the humans as the God who govern these principles is no more. Lastly, do not think you can escape your punishment by simply killing your mortal self for you will only be resurrected to continue living the life of a slave.”
With that, a blinding white light engulfed Kratos and he felt the changes in his body. He felt his wings disappear, his immortal strength gone. He felt…human. With one last look above the Order, he saw his siblings Nike, Bia and Zelus, all with reassuring eyes as they sat uncomfortably in their throne. He looked to his mother next to Zeulos with pain in her eyes and he gave her a reassuring look. That all will be fine. Before his mother could utter a bloodcurdling wail, he was gone.
================================================================
The King heard a relentless high pitched scream coming from behind the Queen’s quarters. Then and there, he knew his child to be a girl. He ran as quick as he could and barged inside, nearly knocking the doors out of its hinges.
“Where is my daughter!” He announced with fervor and saw the lively child kicking and screaming against the midwife.
He gathered the still bloody child from the nurse and kissed his child on the her forehead. Immediately the child calmed and opened her eyes. The king saw the clearest of blue eyes.
“She has not stopped her furious cries since she came out!” She queen said with a smile.
The king rushed to his queen and kissed her tenderly on the lips.
“Alecto. Her name will be Alecto.”
The queen could not stop the laugh coming out of her weak state. “As one of the Furies?!”
“You did say furious.” The king laughed and allowed the child to be with its mother.
“She is beautiful.” The queen said as she held the child with all the love in the world.
“Just like her mother.” The king kissed her again, passionately this time. “Now rest my queen, you have given me all the joy I could only think impossible.”
================================================================
The midwife held the lifeless child in her arms. His mother had been cleaned and now awaits her final resting place.
“You shall be with your mother soon little one.” She said quietly to the child as she set him down to be cleaned.
Gently, she began to pour water on his head to cleanse the dried blood on his head. She was carefully making her way to his forehead when the deepest of green eyes startled the life out of her. The child was alive and he was staring at her with a quiet strength that was enough to stun her. The child did not cry, nor did if fuss like any other newborn. Instead the child only stared at her with all knowing eyes as if he knew exactly what his place is in this world.
Strength was all she could see from the child and before she knew it, this child would be her own. “Kratos. You will be called Kratos.”
================================================================
