Ecstacy In My Arms

[BamaPoet]

Ecstasy In My Arms




The darkness fell and the night turned bitterly cold
The wind howled outside like the cry of a banshee
I held you tightly as we cuddled by the roaring fire
If felt so good to hold you close to me
I cast my eyes upon your lovely face
illuminated by the soft glow of the firelight

I gaze into your sparkling eyes and I am entranced
by the beauty cuddled up next to me
I lower my head and press my lips to yours
kissing you softly, I close my eyes and I am lost in the moment

The cold wintry storm worsens gradually
The falling snow begins to accumulate,
covering the earth in a glorious white blanket.

As another log is put upon the dying fire
We watch as the burning embers escape up the chimney
I glance over and see the firelight reflecting in your eyes
I feel as if I am the luckiest man on earth
to be here alone with someone like you at a time such as this

I take your beautiful hand in mine as you turn to me and smile
our fingers entwined and our hearts a molten mass of happiness
you lay your precious head on my shoulder
as a long sigh of contentment rises from deep within you

I lean over and gently place a kiss upon your soft hair
I could stay this way forever until the end of time
for you shall always be pure ecstasy in my arms

 

[WickedEve]

Welcome to the poetry board. This is great place to receive feedback on your poetry. Have you submitted this poem yet, or just seeking feedback here on the board first?

Here is a list of phrases from just your first two stanzas that you may want to reconsider:

darkness fell
bitterly cold
wind howled
cry of a banshee
roaring fire
glow of the firelight
sparkling eyes
I am lost in the moment

These phrases are used often in poetry, so if you can think of other ways to express these ideas, you'll most likely have an improved poem.

 

[Ancient117331]

Ecstasy In My Arms...

BamaPoet,

I liked your thoughts...

I do agree with eve as to word use... and would add one more
comment - mixed tenses make the flow of the words hesitant and
take the 'edge' from your thoughts - least to me anyway.

Take care and post more.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[BamaPoet]

Thx Ancient. I am not one to write according to the flow, verse, iambic pentameter or meter of normal professional poetry I write what I feel flowing from deep inside my heart. After all, the best poems are the words, feelings and emotions flowing from the heart....not the head. I can't....and prefer not to force my writing. Each and everyone has their own style without having to revert to normalcy or being stereotyped and compared to what is usually accepted as the predictable method. We all dance to different music and most of us follow accordingly. Sometimes my thoughts, feelings and inspiration does an about face and follows the beat of a different drum. I thought I'd share a small excerpt from my book. I appreciate the critique and the nice words. Everyone has their own form of expressing themself. It might not be what's considered the "best approach", but my words say what my heart is feeling at the time. I have been faced with hurt, sorrow, laughter and tears very often recently. I am now in the midst of picking up the pieces of a broken heart and trying to continue accordingly......thx again guys

 

[WickedEve]

"I am not one to write according to the flow, verse, iambic pentameter or meter of normal professional poetry."
You can do those things without being a writer of "normal" or professional poetry. It's always nice when a poem flows.

"I write what I feel flowing from deep inside my heart."
That's a good place to start. But after you pour out your heart, you can fine tune a poem.

"After all, the best poems are the words, feelings and emotions flowing from the heart....not the head."
You can have a great poem that comes from the heart, but you can't just write down the first thing that comes from your heart, and assume it's good because it's full of emotion. It's a good place to get raw material to work with. But after that, you need to smooth it out.

"I can't....and prefer not to force my writing. Each and everyone has their own style without having to revert to normalcy or being stereotyped and compared to what is usually accepted as the predictable method."
You should definitely have your own style. But you really don't in this particular poem. Some of what you wrote is no different than hundreds of poems by other poets. Your poem, as it stands, would be swallowed up in the crowd. It doesn't have any clear individuality. And you are using too many clichés. You need to take this poem, look at what you're saying, and then find a fresh way of saying it. If you dig deep, you'll find that you do have more to say.

In this poem, you are simply telling us that you cuddled, kissed, that you're the luckiest man on earth, and etc. If you want to tell what's in your heart, then tell us what's so special about this woman. Why does she make you feel like the luckiest man on earth? Right now, you are giving us a list of actions, no real emotions.

I do thank you for sharing your poem, and I wish you well with your writing. I hope you stick around and learn. We're all here learning and working on our poetry. I think if you do stay, you'll look back at this poem, eventually, and be quite surprised by it.

As for being in the midst of picking up pieces of a broken heart, I'm sorry about that.

 

[Ancient117331]

BamaPoet

All the best and keep writing my new friend. As for the 'picking up pieces' - well... its so easy to say 'been there - done that'. but I haave myself...

Man, what a 'black'-ness...
was just feelin' "it" again.
I guess was the memory
of the sounds... coming back,
flowing within,
hearing... "see ya laters..."
from someone else's lips to another
...and we didn't...
don't...
not anymore.
Okay...
happens, is life.

Ever notice
is always life that gets in the way
and touches where its never wanted
nor meant to be...
and yet we let it,
we always let it.

We don't speak anymore...
but not because we say less
or the silence is impenetrable
...or we've nothing to say.
Its that we don't hear,
are too busy answering
what we think is being said
to actually listen to what was...
being...
and said.

I know, "we'll continue this..."
this way,
another time....
always another time -
forever a tomorrow.
All the 'words' that fall
to be lost upon the floor
and swept or vacuumed
as rubbish...
away.
God, think of the full dumpsters,
landfills of buried hopes, tears -
incinerators burning 24 hours a day
spewing forth
the 'word'-ash full skies
that continually rain
'pon our heads,
entering our chests,
clogging our pores,
choking our lungs...
with unheard pain -
and all the destructed dreams.

"...be strong...",
I can't anymore,
don't want to 'be' anything...
anymore.
"I gotta go..." run a lil...
in tiny circles...
ever shrinking circles -
beginning to end,
til both are the same...
a single point-ed line
a mathematician's dream
or nightmare - one in the same.
Do you?...
can you?...
will you?

"You can always 'be' with me,
and I'll love no less... ever..."
til I AM - me - with you
and you DO love me less - forever.
Man what a 'black'-ness fell...
shakes my head.

"...look up, see the light!"
wrong thing to say -
so awesomely wrong...
is no 'up', is no 'light'... can't see...
where I am...
the full 'black'-ness of eternity -
bleakness infinitely squared -
just moves and stumbles along
trips, falls... stands... shuffles,
who knows or cares
anyway... not even I.
Darkness so resolute...
absolute...
nothing appears -
can't...
is forever swallowed -
and I know - forever lost.

Man... what a 'black'-ness this is...
am awed with it and by it -
am so small, infinitesimal -
curled tiny and mewling...
yet incredibly huge;
a part apart -
fractionated yet whole
- a single fractal-wide...
unchangingly changing.
Palpable nothingness -
I can feel,
touch,
taste...
smell,
and still I live...
damn,
can still live...
with nothing at all.

Man... what a 'black'ness...
wow.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

See you on the 'other' side...