Easy way to meet military recruitment goals

[shereads]

From Bill Maher's New Rules:

New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit." And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs...warm bodies!

Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: "Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition." "Survivor: Sunni Triangle." Or maybe it's a video game, "Grand Theft Allah."

Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the "Support Our Troops" magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give? Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?



And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. You think you make up shit!

Curt Schilling, b-bye! You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag.

But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. Because Britney once said, "We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." Okay, somebody has to die for that. Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes.

And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie.

In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it.
And I'm for gay marriage, which is - oh, well, you get the points!

 

[Edward Teach]

Tests, Sher, tests. You of all people should know that testing is the answer to meeting goals.

We needed to improve education, we began testing and shazam, our children immediately got smarter.

Same thing with recruiting. Just test the recruiters.

Yes, I met my recruitment goal for the month. TRUE ___ false____

Yes, my recruits are so good that they each count as 5 normal recruits. TRUE___false____

 

[McKenna]

"Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition." "Survivor: Sunni Triangle." Or maybe it's a video game, "Grand Theft Allah."

OMG! Hilarious! Totally worth the water-out-the-nose thing!

I'm cringing at how accurate a portrayal this is of our culture. Eeesh.

 

[Guest]

Remove the recruiters from the high schools.

Refuse to allow them access to student records.

They should not be able to have these kids for cannon fodder.


Maybe we could send jurors from high-profile trials who recant their verdict several months later and get rich writing books. There are lots of those people about these days.

 

[Kassiana]

1. Re-institute the draft.
2. Draft women.

That would do it.

I'm not saying anyone should, but that would do it. (Well, other than people like me who are conscientious objectors and would refuse all military service based on that...but there aren't that many of us CO's out there, unfortunately.)

 

[shereads]

1. Re-institute the draft.
2. Draft women.

There's a problem with reinstituting the draft, and you have put your finger on it: exemptions. Who gets 'em? The Bush twins? Because they're women? A draft exemption for women isn't going to sail through the way it did back in 60's. Too many people have seen G.I. Jane. A special exemption for twins could work, but that wouldn't help Jeb Bush's kids, or the sons and grand-nephews of all the CEOs and CFOs of Halliburton and Raytheon...

There would be no point pulling strings to get them skipped to the front of the line for National Guard duty; GWB took that route but now he's ruined it for everybody else by sending the Guard to Iraq. And keeping them there, from the look of it.

Oh, but wait! I forgot about the college exemption. Draft-age kids whose families can afford it will stay in college for however long it takes, like Dick Cheney. He holds the administration's record for the number of exemptions taken to stay out of Vietnam. Not that he didn't want to fight, mind you! Cheney is a patriot. You can bet that it just about killed him to sit out the Vietnam war.

But back then, it was understood that smart patriots who could afford to continue their higher education had an obligation to do so. Otherwise, there would be no one to plan the wars of the future.

That's probably why such a tiny percentage of Congressional Republicans and virtually no one in the upper echelons of the Bush administration ever served in the military during wartime. (Colin Powell did, and it left him so confused that he tried to talk the president out of invading Iraq. Which proves that Cheney did the right thing.)

The point is, after all the pre-election fuss over who did and did not serve in Vietnam and how their daddies got them out of it, even the college exemption will raise issues of so-called fairness if the draft is reinstated.

This is why it's important to postpone the draft issue until the children of everyone who currently holds power are past the draftable age.

```

I agree with Bill Maher, though. If every physically able American who supported the Iraq war with their votes and their bumper stickers and their mouths visited a recruitment office tomorrow, we'd not only meet our military recruitment goals; we'd be able to bring home some people whose tours of duty were supposed to be over already.

Like that college kid who started the "Bush is Awesome" thread. He wasn't planning to join the military, at least until he finished his education, but maybe now that it's turned out to be so exciting, he's changed his mind. Maybe he and Ann Coulter will attend boot camp together.

Probably not.



Edited to add: If we do reinstate the draft, we won't call it that. It wil be sold to the public as an extension of the "No Child Left Behind" program.

 

[shereads]

OMG! Hilarious! Totally worth the water-out-the-nose thing!

I'm cringing at how accurate a portrayal this is of our culture. Eeesh.

This one did it for me:

"We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit."

 

[The_Darkness]

Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag.

That's my fav. Now I have to clean the Mountain Dew off my monitor. Fuck.

 

[shereads]

That's my fav. Now I have to clean the Mountain Dew off my monitor. Fuck.

It's much easier to clean diet drinks off of the monitor.

Also, if you can find a thin silicone keyboard shield, it will be the best $5 you ever spent. Bill Maher has made me spew enough coffee and Diet Coke through my nose to sink a good-sized kayak, and not a drop has touched my keyboard.

 

[The_Darkness]

It's much easier to clean diet drinks off of the monitor.

Also, if you can find a thin silicone keyboard shield, it will be the best $5 you ever spent. Bill Maher has made me spew enough coffee and Diet Coke through my nose to sink a good-sized kayak, and not a drop has touched my keyboard.

Luckily, I learned 5 mnutes ago to not drink while reading what you post.

But yeah, those keyboard covers rule. My last key board died because of Ho-ho and Twinkee shrapnel from a food fight in the dorms.

Don't ask.

 

[Subo97]

Won't work

shereads, your logic is tragically faulty. You know, as a fellow Floridian, that we could not insist that those who voted for George Bush volunteer for Iraq because we just can't be sure who did and did not vote for him. Therein lies our conundrum. (Of all the drums I've beaten, the conundrum is by far the hardest)

I have a better idea, we should create crack commando units like the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Brigade, NRA rifle platoons and Intelligent Design Strategy Boards.

 

[logophile]

Thanks, Shereads.
Made me smile and shake my head at the same time.

 

[shereads]

shereads, your logic is tragically faulty. You know, as a fellow Floridian, that we could not insist that those who voted for George Bush volunteer for Iraq because we just can't be sure who did and did not vote for him. Therein lies our conundrum. (Of all the drums I've beaten, the conundrum is by far the hardest)

I have a better idea, we should create crack commando units like the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Brigade, NRA rifle platoons and Intelligent Design Strategy Boards.

Why do you hate freedom?

 

[shereads]

Thanks, Shereads.
Made me smile and shake my head at the same time.

That takes real coordination. Are you by any chance with Cirque de Soleil?

 

[TheEarl]

Why do you hate freedom?

Is he European? I've heard they hate freedom over there. Sad that no other country in the world has the freedom that the United States provides.... Old Europe and Britain don't have the answers. Maybe India can rise to take the baton in future years but for now America stands alone in our quest for freedom.

....the earl

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

. . . for now America stands alone in our quest for freedom. . . .

It's not America's fault if no other country wishes to be Free!

Thanks to American dominance, the concept of Free is offered everywhere you look on the internet , and in every second email that you receive.

 

[shereads]

Is he European? I've heard they hate freedom over there.

Not to worry, Earl. America will deliver freedom to the rest of the world whether they like it or not. After the oil-rich nations are free, our next target will be the sexually depraved countries, beginning with either Denmark or Papua New Guinea.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Maybe India can rise to take the baton in future years but for now America stands alone in our quest for freedom.

....the earl

India is already doing its part for freedom - they are the world's biggest importers of garbage and other wastes, like the war waste from Iraq. Unspent rounds from Iraq have already taken the lives of a dozen or so Indians, so add them to the list of casualties.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I have to wonder about that Baptist minister. How could he know that those members voted for Kerry; it was a secret ballot. Perhaps from bumper stickers, etc. Renouncing a vote is pretty pointless anyhow, not to mention impossible. Personally, it the4 minister was like that, I would want to leave that particular congregation anyhow.

By the way, Kerry voted for the Iraq war and said during his campaign speeches that he would continue it. Most members of Congress voted for it.

Another possibility would be go to people serving time in various jails and prisons. Tell them they would get a full pardon after completing a tour of duty in the military. It used to be a common practice to offer a young man who had just been convicted a choice of go to jail or join the Army. The problem with drafting supporters of the war is that so many of them are infirm, from age or other problems.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

I may be wrong, but wasn’t using criminals to control the freedom of foreign oil producing countries, how we wound up with Saddam in the first place?

 

[Boxlicker101]

I may be wrong, but wasn’t using criminals to control the freedom of foreign oil producing countries, how we wound up with Saddam in the first place?

That wouldn't be a problem with what I just mentioned. The people who would enlist on that basis would be strictly buck private grunts, with no authority and virtually no responsibility.

 

[Somme]

Luckily, I learned 5 mnutes ago to not drink while reading what you post.

An empty bladder is also quite reccomendable.

 

[Edward Teach]

shereads, your logic is tragically faulty. You know, as a fellow Floridian, that we could not insist that those who voted for George Bush volunteer for Iraq because we just can't be sure who did and did not vote for him. Therein lies our conundrum. (Of all the drums I've beaten, the conundrum is by far the hardest)

I have a better idea, we should create crack commando units like the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Brigade, NRA rifle platoons and Intelligent Design Strategy Boards.

I might volunteer to be an inspector for one of those "crack commando units" especially if they supply conundrums. I understand some of the ladies around here go commando quite often anyway. One wears a frilly little orange thing once in a while that could probably use a close inspection anyway.

Boxlicker: I have to wonder about that Baptist minister. How could he know that those members voted for Kerry; it was a secret ballot.

Simple, Box -- God told him.


Hawkeye Eddie

.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

. . . grunts, with no authority and virtually no responsibility.

Looking like a legitimate leader, while doing whatever the State Department told him to do, was Saddam's original job description.

Come to think of it, the relationship that the CIA once thought it had with Osama is eerily similar.

Ho Chi Minh and the OSS. . . .



Ah, the heck with it!


So you think that 50,000 small time thugs would make for a stabler government than one large, dominant, small time thug?

 

[minsue]

An empty bladder is also quite reccomendable.

I knew there was a reason I miss you, Somme