Dysfunctional family

[*Eve*]

I go away for a couple days and this board is out of control!!

Anyway, I spent the weekend at my family reunion. My grandparent had 17 children so I have a huge family. As I communed with the people who call themselves my family I noticed something that made me think. I think I have just about every cliche there in my family.
*the drunken uncle who always wants to pick a fight when he's had one too many
*the aunt that smells like old moth balls and likes to kiss and pinch you cheeks. She never calls you by your first name, referring to you as baby, or sugar basically this is just to cover up the fact that she doesn't know you name.
*the relative in jail who people like to say is on vacation when we all know the real deal.
*the relative who steals, you have to hide whatever you don't want them to take. This relative steals petty things and you wonder, what the hell?
*the gay relative that comes to the family functions with his "friend" wearing purple spandex pants and a ruffled shirt.
*the two aunts who haven't spoken to each other in over ten years because they got into some petty argument (probably over some man)

There are many other things that I could name but frankly its a bit depressing but they are my family, and I love them and will defend them to the day I die.

Does anyone have any amusin family reunion stories or have any of these cliches in their family?

 

[CreamyLady]

Most of our family reunions take place at funerals or weddings, and considering the recent track record, funerals are it.

Most of them are long and liquid events, starting with the wake following the rosary (everyone's Catholic, except me).

The best occurred when my mother's cousin Tom suffered a heart attack and died in Acapulco. There was a lot of difficulty attendant upon getting his body back to the states, and who would claim it; his ex-wife felt herself to be The Widow, and his parents felt she was a bitch.

At the funeral, my Aunt Marguerite was draped over the shoulders of two of the ushers, and was literally dragged down the aisle, her toes leaving a mark on the floor. Her ex daughter-in-law, accompanied by the twelve kids, was dragging toilet paper on her shoe.

My father asked my mother if Tom had died alone; she whispered "I doubt it."

A stunning woman sat next to my mom, dabbing at her eyes; she was, according to Tom's sister, "with Tom" when he died.

It was the hottest possible day in August, and no one noticed that the priest was waved out of the procession to deal with an accident a few blocks away. At the cemetery, everyone sat for about an hour and a half, drinking steadily from not-so-discreet flasks, and finally someone was heard to remark that they'd better get old Tom underground before he got any riper.

Finally, a substitute priest arrived, and the proper ceremony was celebrated, and he was, indeed, placed in the cool ground. It was agreed at the after-funeral party (which went on for a good 24 hours) that Tom would have loved the whole thing.

Eve, that's my family . . . they do put the "fun" in "dysfunctional."

 

[Docgtvt]

i'm sure that many share some of the same familial traits. and in a large family, the chances of hitting all the cliches improve dramatically.
my stories? i don't really know if i can compete,as my family isn't/wasn't that big. except maybe at my father's funeral when my ....er...enlightened(?) cousin kept saying that she saw my estranged brother up in the woods. he wasn't within 1500 miles. then there was that incident with the cigar...

 

[Xander]

Family Reunions is not exactly what happens a lot in my family. But when it does, there's always a certain amount of eyeing each other. LOL

Anyway, it usually goes something like this:

C (My little sister) Oh she is the carreer driven money spender. So Irresponsible of her, and we definately not jealous because she drives an Alfa Romeo, have a good job, and a loving husbond.

M (Older sister) Who would ever have thought she would amount to anything. No education, no nothing. And now she lives in Bermuda with her husbond. Works as a stock broker. And enjoys life to it's fullest. But isen't she still a little wild. ??

T (Oldest sister) Oh she got a child now. AND SHE'S NOT EVEN MARRIED. OMG. T, was always so sweet an quiet, how could it possibly happend that she had sex???? (I did find this one rather amuzing)

S (Little Bro.) Oh He lives in America now, I see....And he's a pilot also. *insert jealousy sign here* But wasn't he a buck eyed kid????

X (Me) *Casually throws a look over shoulder* Oh him.....Is he still alive?? What's he up to these days?? I bet he still uses drugs.....I bet you...he's probaly going to get drunk and do something embarrasing again......
Oh he has a job...I thought he was on wellfare...

And that's only for starters. Can you tell that there's a lot of jealousy in my family LOL.

 

[Nicole]

Ummm ... Xander babe can I come to the next reunion???

That sounds like a good laugh. I can just see you standing there now eyeing each other up ... Little groups with wisphers comming out of each.

LMAO ... Thanks babe.

By the way Xander ... I'm sorry, so so sorry, really I am sorry, you know that I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry. LOL

 

[Xander]

But of course Lil' Ms. Wiggle. Thy can attend to the next one. Should be funny also. I can just see them for me now, thinking: Hmmmm now where on earth has he met this girl?? How come she comes all the way from down under up here??? And why don't we ever get to know these things first hand??

And in advance on my familys' behalf I'd like to say. I'm so sorry, I really am sorry, so terribly sorry, I can't express how sorry I really am, sorry. And if you're sorry I'm sorry that you're sorry, sorry. hehehehe

 

[Lovely Latina]

An LL family reunion

I found out that my 52-year-old uncle was getting circumcised because it kept getting infected.


Ummmmmmm...

 

[Xander]

Well LL. There is only so much you need to know about your family, don't you agree??
I wish as hell that they hadn't sprung those embarrasing news bulletins on me sometimes...ah well, can't get it all I guess.

 

[Endlessly]

*LOL* Thanks guys, you have me scared to leave tomorrow. I've never met most of the people who are coming to my family reunion, but here are some of the personalities I can look forward to meshing with for a week:

-My aunt\mother's older sister, who never really comprehended the fact my mother grew up
-Her husband, the eccentric former math teacher
-Their son, literally a rocket scientist before giving it up to go into law *insert jealousy sign here*

And on MY side..

-My mother, the freakiest woman on the face of the earth
-My father, who takes a little black raincloud of darkness with him wherever he goes, and always ends up getting a chronic case of the farts on any car trip (and this one's 14 hours, folks)
-My brother, the disillusioned serial monogamist with whoever the love of his life is at the moment (I hear she has to buy her clothes at Kid Gap, though).. My mother's shining accomplishment as a professional actor, working on broadway but never got a degree. (Who MUST be compared to my aunt's kid with 2 PhD's at everyone's earliest convienience.)
-My gorgeous sister who, with her looks and fashion sense, could be a plus-sized model.. But she seems to have her ethnicity mixed up. Ah well, happens to us all..
-And her two young daughters, cool kids for about 2 and a half days.

I've probably got all of the other stereotypes, I just haven't met them yet. *shaking head* deeaii.

 

[Sammyjo]

Ok..I have a fairly normal family..until something happens.

Like my grandmother...she refuses to see me as a grown up.

A family friend passed away a few weeks ago. This was the old man who always had a cookie ready for Sammy as she made her way from her house to her grandma's house. He was a constant in my life. You always knew he would be there. Naturally, I made my way to the funeral. I was very saddened at his passing, but I had been strong so far. I go in to say goodbye and I break down. OF COURSE I DO!!!

My grandmother has the nerve to say "Oh, it's your first funeral" I'm 27 years old...shall I recant all the funerals I've been to? heehee, I just did, but deleted it all..didn't want to depress anyone...the fact of the matter is...I've been to more than I care to admit. I actually went through them all with her so she would understand. Of course, when the next one comes, it'll be the same thing.

Then the other day, she says to me, "What do you know about living on your own? You only moved out for a few months." Ummm...actually it was 2 1/2 years...where in God's name were you that whole time?

I rarely get pissed at my grandma, but these two incidences in the last few weeks are the beginning of her downfall in my eyes. I'm sorry that grandpa is sick and that you can't take care of him on your own...I'm sorry you don't have enough social security to live on...I can't pay the damn daycare bill. *shrugs*

Sorry to have gone off there...I needed to vent a bit.

 

[Hullo_nurse]

Oh Me Oh My.....

Well.... I can't think of any specific... YES I can!!!

It was my high school graduation/18th birthday party (they happened on the same day - June 14th, 1987). My parents are "good Christians" and don't provide booze at family parties. So my Aunt Fran (the lush) brought her own beer and enough for the rest of my dad's side of the family - since most all of them drink. Well, my mother got sooooo pissed and threw such a bitch fit that my Aunt Fran left my party, taking all the beer and my gifts with her, not to return. It really ruined the entire day for me, but that is my bitch mother for you.

Like just last month for my dad's birthday. He wanted of those collector's plates - the Michael Jordan one with the 5 NBA championship rings on it. Well, my sister & I bought it for him. The minute he opens it the BITCH is telling him that he has to send it back becuase she does not want a black man hanging from her wall buecuase it will remind her of all the things she has gone through with black men. DUH!! It's my freaking sister who continues to date black men despite my parents objections (they are quite prejudices, I;m sorry to say...). And it is my sister who keeps picking real loosers who cheat on her, beat her up and use her. Not my loving mother. So she and my dad get in this huge fight on his birthday cuz she wants to be a bitch.

Anyway... I might just have the most psychotic immediate family around:
my mom: manic depressive, has made multiple attempts on my life, my sister's life and my father's life

my sister: mainc depressive; stole $1000 from my parents, money my dad got from his mother when she died...when they were away oin vacation

my husband's mom: paranoid scizophrenic; thinks the same man has been following her around the us and japan to rape her and kill her for the last 10 years. takes the knobs off her stove when she leaves her apartment; tapes teh doors sealed so that the poisonous chemicals this man sprays won;'t kill her.........

my husband's sister: major depression and narcotic dependent; asked me what we do with the meds when our patients die & if I could get them to her NO FUCKING WAY!!!

Anyway............

the topic was???