Dying to know what you think!

[mechocolate]

This is my first time submitting a poem to anywhere. My poetry has always been a personal thing. Mostly because I do not know what other people will think. So please honest opinions. Do I stink or should I continue?

 

[Belilica]

Mecho, you will definitely get more replies if you post a link next time. Here you go!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=97716

-Bel

 

[smithpeter]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42611
The World's Best Sex
by mechocolate ©

I read your poem and it got harder and harder and harder to decide which part I liked the best.

I bury your rod down my throat
I beg you to give my throat a coat

is where I landed.

Your poem reminds me of the time I went through a Hardee's with my fiancé and she told the woman at the drive through window that I was going to take her home and fuck her brains out. Maybe it was a dream.
Keep writing!! Practice makes perfect and more promiscuous.
sp

 

[Belilica]

Mecho,

Just a few things...

"As your eyes release my mind through my deep brown eyes to my lips so soft," This one runs on a bit, I think it should be broken down a bit

"volumptuos" spelled incorrectly, I think it is voluptuous

"Stopping toenjoy their soulful dips" needs a space between "to" and "enjoy"

"Your tongue runs the courseof my slit" needs a space between "course" and "of"


"And when I release your your balls I will lick" this sentence is a bit confusing, either it has one too many "your"s, or it should be "you, your"

You used "tt" at the end of quite a few words, was this intentional?

Overall, it is a pretty good poem, but not really my taste. I hope this comes accross as constructive criticism and not insulting. Keep it cumming!

-Bel

 

[WickedEve]

mechocolate, why don't you participate on the board for a while, (you can learn a lot here) then go back and rework your poem. Perhaps, cut some of it out. Take the better parts and see what you can come up with.

A couple of things you may want to correct or be aware of:

Some of your rhymes don't work. For example: resist/lips, "wett" and neck, mouth/out, tongue/fun, cock/hot. These are close, though. I'm sure they sound fine to some readers.

Some rhymes are repeated. It would help the poem if you could find alternative words to use.

I see some other "problems" but if you could work on just a couple of improvements, you'd be surprised at how much better your poem will read.

 

[JUDO]

Keep going

M -

Looks like all the good advice has been said. So, I will simply alter the sentiments of Smithpeter. Keep writing - practice makes more promiscuous.


- Judo

 

[perks]

it is never the choice of the observer whether a poet should continue writing or not.
You write, because you breathe.

Learn, edit, learn, edit... and while you're doing that, write, write write.

don't ever ask someone's permission to write.

 

[mechocolate]

Thank you

Thank you all for the encouragement and advice. Maybe I will join the forum. No my mistakes wern't intentional my stupid keyboard is broken. and if you havn't noticed that poem is a little long to proofread. But I'll get that fixed before next time. So until then.