Dream Sensualist's Catharsis

[DreamSensualist]

I want to just sit & rock in a corner, or yell & scream while beating the crap out of something, or have him beat the crap out of me. I want to put it behind me and pretend it didn't all happen, and I want to experience the devastation now so that I can remember that I am alive. I want to remember that it is for the best in his eyes & respect that, and yet I want to hound him until he realizes he can't cut me from his heart. I want to pretend that this is just another time that he needs to reassess and that he will return to me. I want him to know that he is my best friend, and so I want to call him and say "Hey, guess what I did / saw / felt today and hear how his day is going. There are questions I want answered even though I know that to him it will make no difference at this time & that for me it will only cause pain. There are things he said in his "it's over" message that I want to address.

I want & need so much And I don't know what to do. And so, there is this thread. Here I can rant & rave, I can pour out my heart to him & everyone & tell him what is happening in life. I can have one of those conversations you have in your head to try & grasp the meaning of something. I can apologize to him for the things I take responsibility for and I can pose myself questions as to why I am doing this to myself, and my husband, and him....

But for now, I don't even know where to start except to say that I love him & I always will. That I am not holding onto anger & that when the hurt becomes so tainted that it turns to anger I will expel it here, or hitting a tree or whatever & not let it be toxic.

So to those of you reading this thank-you for just being that community out there where I know someone is hearing me. I am generally not an overly dramatic person so when I do feel it build up it's nice to know that I'm not shouting out into a void.

Those that have already PM'd or commented with sympathy thank-you. And when you think a particular post is perhaps something I need to get over & put my big girl panties on then send some tough love my way.

 

[DreamSensualist]

I was sending a PM & starting to pur my heart out when I realized that it would perhaps serve a better purpose here...

..... I think I really need to look at what part I have played. There are so many questions I have for him and so on, but I'm also going to use this to really look at why I lost him .. and I think that I'll find that because I never even let him know that I saw myself growing old with him and I was too much of a coward to make the decision to leave my husband I need to shoulder much of the root of the problem. I was a coward because it is easier to stick with the status quo than make a hard decision, and also cowardly about him maybe choosing her over me. 2 weeks ago he told me the most romantic thing. He promised to never marry her, or marry anyone again unless it was me. That made me think that maybe he would choose me & that I should leave my husband & run to him....pack up my life with my soul & give it completely to him. But I didn't act fast enough & I am sure that I should have .. but I wanted to be sure, I wanted to go to him with no baggage.... and how can I ask him to wait when he has the "bird in the hand", at this stage all I could promise him was my heart forever & my dreams & hopes for us in the future that didn't involve our significant others..... and that's not fair. But the way he ended it with no warning is not fair either.

 

[Stella_Omega]

My darling, I don't understand why people cheat on their husbands with a guy-- and actually expect that guy to be moral in every other way.

Yes, he's supposed to be a Dom. But he's a dude who is doing sexual stuff with a woman, who is cheating on her husband.

Yes, your husband can't give you what you want sexually. This society doesn't really have much support in place for women who find themselves in your position, I wish we did.

Please tell me, at least, that you were seeing each other in real space, and not only online.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Rant and vent and get it all out. I find that writing things out clears my head and allows for healing.

I hope it working for you

Hugs!

 

[DreamSensualist]

Wow Stella, I wasn't expecting that tough love so soon... but I already had my big girl panties on again anyway. To actually address what you said though, I'm not sure that I got what you said about morals. I'm not sure that I have an issue with his morals ... more his "delivery" (seriously, who breaks up with somebody that they talk to most days over a message on Fet.. not even to my personal e-mail address!). Anyway, that may just be semantics so if I've got it wrong hit me harder.

As for the "Dom" part, I'm not going there because it's a way too big issue that he & I had recognized was very fluid and not problematic. I'm not sure that I got caught up with the "but he's a Dom & so he's supposed to be strong and never show weakness" crap where I put him on a pedestal. First & foremost he is a loving male who likes to dominate and have a loving partner who will let him be himself. He is part Dom, part Daddy, part best friend, part kinkster, part troubled heart who I want to nurture, part my split-apart equal who is my sensual mate.

Anyway, that's not important, I just wanted to say that yeah, I get it, male species often think with their smaller brain. That's a huge blanket statement so don't rake me over the coals for that. JT/K, if you're reading this then don't take it that I am meaning you all the time. I know eros is important to you, but your heart is so special & your mind so twisted that I'm not sure you could think with your cock only (most of the time anyway *cheeky smile*)

As for dear old hubby. He is wonderful. He listens to me, tries to understand me, is experimental sexually if I ask, a great Dad, wonderful provider, blah blah blah ... but he bores me to tears. Intellectually he's so smart that it sometimes goes over my hear, and other times he's so shallow when it comes to passions that I feel I should set him up with a AED device just so I can wake him up occasionally.

Since meeting my JT, we have moved out of state, I got knocked up (not to "save the marriage"), moved internationally & back again to the original state. I personally had some bouts of depression (I was still functional though). Hubby completed his Masters, we had marriage counseling etc etc.. I guess what I mean is that it's not a purely sexual thing as far as him giving me what I want.. My feelings of unease go to deeper roots about love. And given that there has been so many disruptions & things demanding out attention in life, I feel that if I were to walk away now, or in the last while, that I would wonder if it was just our situation of a few rough years that drove us apart or whatever. And I know that no matter what happens in the future, it is easier to move forward if you can take responsibility for your past.

And, unfortunately Stella, since I was living in Indonesia the last year it was via e-mail. A bit of skype, but we didn't even have phone calls. That was never the plan & I know that no matter our respective relationships, we were both looking for something more and we could not have continued indefinitely like we were, I just thought that we would get to the point where we could see each other much much more often & without drama. But, before I lived oversea I would have said that it was a long distance real life / space relationship, not a on-line relationship.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh, man, I DO know all about those long moves and what they can do to a relationship, from personal experience.

I apologise for asking you such impertinent questions. Like a neighbor who walks up in the middle of things: "what's going on?"

It's not just the smaller brain that men-- and some women too-- think with, but sometimes the whole body. But you know that too. I'm gonna shut up and just listen.

 

[Licia]

*takes a seat, relaxing casually*

*smiles faintly at the phrase 'if I were to walk away now, I'm not sure if it would because of a few rough years...it's easier to move forward by taking responsibility of your past*

Her brow quirks slightly as the end comes to a lilt. She asks quietly, "Told hubby yet?"

 

[DreamSensualist]

No need to shut up & just listen. It's the neighbor who is all up in your face that makes you answer that question to yourself that perhaps you had swept under the " it's too hard to answer" rug. It can provide clarity. So fire away, anybody, play devils advocate. I won't say I'll agree or whatever, and while I can be rational at times, we are talking about love here so i may just put my panties to the side every now & then & rock in a corner & with a really annoying whinny voice say "But I love him" like some love sick teenager preachers daughter who wants to run away from the guy who dresses like James Dean. *sometimes I like these manic mood swings because I go from literally thinking love conquers all, to picturing just how pathetic & therefore silly I would look sitting in that corner*

 

[DreamSensualist]

I'm having a chick night with a friend, a movie & a bottle of whisky. I'm not making any decisions until my emotions are used to this roller coaster ride,my meds settle & I get my groove back (that's for you Stella... corny I know, but it comes naturally). But, to be specific, if I were to approach hubby with this it would be nothing new to him. He wouldn't be left reeling thinking "WTF, I didn't see that coming". How could I make a decision to stay or leave a man, when my decision relies on & effects both of us, if the other person in the equation doesn't even know that the equation is being shifted?

 

[DreamSensualist]

Note to self, him & everybody else.

I call him every day. This seems a little desperate on the face of it. I never cry on the message or beg or whatever (he never picks up you see, I can't fight for him if he won't talk to me, nor can I get closure). I call when I think of him. Not to necessarily hound him, but to make sure he knows I love him, andI just can't turn it off like a tap. There was a cool song on the radio & I was going call him so he could her it (I'm crap remembering song names & I can't even hum in tune), but then I saw a police car behind me so didn't't make the call.

So, am I stalking him? Going to easy on him because he is trying to walk away without talking to me? Am I doing this so that as time goes on & he continues to ignore me I will slowly feel less & less satisfied & pull away? Or am I being an emotional massochist? I don't need an answer to this. I guess I already know that it is because I hold out some hope now that we can open the line of communication, and that the reason for these calls will change over time & be dependent on the particular day, circumstance or whatever.

 

[Chiara_searches]

My instinct would also be to seek closure.

But it's a failing on his part, not yours, that he won't talk. He's not the kind of person you thought he was if he can't give you the closure you've sought or deserve.

While the aspect of you both being in relationships is something that I have difficulty understanding, you still deserve better. You deserve someone that respects you and your feelings enough to at least return the call, whether it was an only online thing or not.

Perhaps the fact that he kept this secret is, as someone else mentioned, an indicator of the kind of person he is.

Respect yourself by finding away to pull away from someone that doesn't deserve your energy any longer. If he at least responded to your need, he might be worth investing more energy in. But he's not doing that.

These things don't help in turning off the tap, but perhaps the next time you have the impulse to call, you can stop and think about it. And skip that call. Eventually, you'll be able to pull back and get control again.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I wouldn't call him everyday, that is a little stalkerish. Give him some time..a week or so. Send him a email through fet (or where ever you usually email him) and wait. I can understand wanting closure. But you don't want contact permanently blocked.

I had a very short-lived online relationship pre-Daddy. After about 2 months of chatting every day and even planning to meet he poofed without any explanation.

For about 4 months I left him a off-line IM once a week or so. I would just say hi and hoped that he was well. Then one week he wrote back. We spent a couple of weeks writing back and forth and I discovered I didn't have any feelings for him anymore. He gave me my closure and we both happily moved on. I do wonder how he is doing occasionally but I don't try to contact him.

 

[Licia]

*lets go of a slow breath*

Right, so...*inserts disclaimer regarding cliches*

'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.' Allow bonds to stretch and be severed for the greater good of all. There are friends in my life who radiate ethos and end up only a shimmer as the years pass. Chance reconnecting causes an energetic reverberation, and sometimes their light leaves my life -- grief.

Breathing, that's what life is all about...Anyway. *blinks through a half-smile*

The time which passes between can sometimes be excruciating; however, silence must be permitted so everyone can sort through their own decoupage: that's the advice I would offer on the subject of the one you're grieving over. He will, I promise, reappear IF he is what he says he is.

"Taking responsibility for my past..." Still, even if the event isn't earth shattering to hubby, you MUST tell him anyway. He has the RIGHT to choose to stay in the marriage or leave as you do.

*leans forward in the chair to appear smaller, elbows resting on knees* Her own hands hold one another. She takes a second before the next piece, full eye contact. "Correct me if I'm misinterpreting, but you said hubby has stayed through something like this before? If that's the case, I think it speaks volumes to his commitment to you...perhaps to the best of his ability? If we move all the pieces around, I think that it would be possible to experience with him what it is you yearn for. Maybe *shrugs before relaxing back into her chair* you two could move mountains, sister."

 

[DreamSensualist]

My love,

I wrote this really long e-mail when I was in one of my "mind moving faster than my mouth" moods. Unfortunately I then lost it & as is often the case I can never seem to grasp the exact nuance of what i was trying to say.

Suffice to tell you that I love you & I miss you & I am keeping my promise.

Your babydoll

 

[DreamSensualist]

.....

Respect yourself by finding away to pull away from someone that doesn't deserve your energy any longer. If he at least responded to your need, he might be worth investing more energy in. But he's not doing that.

These things don't help in turning off the tap, but perhaps the next time you have the impulse to call, you can stop and think about it. And skip that call. Eventually, you'll be able to pull back and get control again.

I'll try & remember this Chiara. Thanks

 

[DreamSensualist]

I wouldn't call him everyday, that is a little stalkerish. Give him some time..a week or so. Send him a email through fet (or where ever you usually email him) and wait. I can understand wanting closure. But you don't want contact permanently blocked.

I had a very short-lived online relationship pre-Daddy. After about 2 months of chatting every day and even planning to meet he poofed without any explanation.

For about 4 months I left him a off-line IM once a week or so. I would just say hi and hoped that he was well. Then one week he wrote back. We spent a couple of weeks writing back and forth and I discovered I didn't have any feelings for him anymore. He gave me my closure and we both happily moved on. I do wonder how he is doing occasionally but I don't try to contact him.

So today I texted him. I guess that's just as bad, but on the other hand I'll find that balance between stalking, and ensuring that I get what I need emotionally. Even if he can't talk to me.

I'll hope that in time I'll think of him less often & so back off a bit.

On a good note, my friend talked me out of jumping in the car & driving to him... I think if I did that I should take my own bunny to boil. (God, that got me thinking about his rabbit fur mitten...)

 

[BiBunny]

If I were you, I'd back off of it for a little while. I don't mean days; I mean weeks. If he's being avoidant, he's not going to talk to you while everything is still emotionally raw. Give it awhile, a couple of months, preferably, and then try.

So sayeth Teh Bunneh, who unfortunately has a lot of experience in this matter.

 

[Chiara_searches]

So today I texted him. I guess that's just as bad, but on the other hand I'll find that balance between stalking, and ensuring that I get what I need emotionally. Even if he can't talk to me.

I'll hope that in time I'll think of him less often & so back off a bit.

On a good note, my friend talked me out of jumping in the car & driving to him... I think if I did that I should take my own bunny to boil. (God, that got me thinking about his rabbit fur mitten...)

I was lucky this summer when things in my life needed to change. I at least got emotional closure from him even though it turned out to be basically a joint decision to change. But the closure and my participating in the decision didn't help with turning the brain off; I still thought of him quite a bit, probably more than was healthy.

It sounds trite, but what worked for me was just basically getting busy. I got out and ran more for about a month. It's not applicable to you, but I started dating in general just to go have something to do and really had no intention of finding a relationship. Maybe you could go out with friends or something similar. Finding other things to occupy my mind helped me move mentally away from him.

 

[DreamSensualist]

*lets go of a slow breath*

Right, so...*inserts disclaimer regarding cliches*

'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.' Allow bonds to stretch and be severed for the greater good of all. There are friends in my life who radiate ethos and end up only a shimmer as the years pass. Chance reconnecting causes an energetic reverberation, and sometimes their light leaves my life -- grief.

Breathing, that's what life is all about...Anyway. *blinks through a half-smile*

The time which passes between can sometimes be excruciating; however, silence must be permitted so everyone can sort through their own decoupage: that's the advice I would offer on the subject of the one you're grieving over. He will, I promise, reappear IF he is what he says he is.

"Taking responsibility for my past..." Still, even if the event isn't earth shattering to hubby, you MUST tell him anyway. He has the RIGHT to choose to stay in the marriage or leave as you do.

*leans forward in the chair to appear smaller, elbows resting on knees* Her own hands hold one another. She takes a second before the next piece, full eye contact. "Correct me if I'm misinterpreting, but you said hubby has stayed through something like this before? If that's the case, I think it speaks volumes to his commitment to you...perhaps to the best of his ability? If we move all the pieces around, I think that it would be possible to experience with him what it is you yearn for. Maybe *shrugs before relaxing back into her chair* you two could move mountains, sister."

*takes a deep breath*

No, hubby would never be able to understand this. What I meant by he wouldn't be surprised is that throughout our marriage it has been an uphill struggle. I don't mean that it has been work. Every relationship is work & the more it means to you the more work you are willing to put in. From the start he was distant, blamed my "crazy" side for any disagreements, never talked to me, and I was never high on his priority list. But it is a different story now. He is a great father, does many of the household chores, spends time with me & the kids, is open sexually to a certain extent. But I still feel that he is holding me back. *tries to explain*.... I believe that everyones happiness is up to the individual. As a general rule I am a happy person. And he does not make me unhappy, nor does he give me any reason to be happy, and in fact I feel at times that he is a bit of a wet blanket... just enough to dampen down my mood, hold me back. And so I have addressed this with him (much more tactfully though). In fact according to the time log K sent the Goodbye message at the same time as hubby & I were walking along the beach talking about a separation. I have tried for years to let him know what it is I desire. And bless the man, he tries so hard. He hardly ever judges my kinks, and has tried pretty much everything I have asked. We talk about it, he memorizes it & then he follows the steps required. Has no passion, not in the bedroom, not for his family, not at work. No where in his life does he feel deeply.

And that is where I stand now. Hubby is gone for a while, I am assessing if i can live without the passion, and if I can't how do I tell a man who in essence is one of the best men I have ever known. He is just not the man for me.

And as to the one who owns my passion, if I go to him, if he comes to me, or we never meet again, nothing can happen without both of us giving our whole heart to each other.

Until then I will breath. Thanks Licia.

 

[DreamSensualist]

Excerpt: This isn't an element I believe in anymore.

What element? What do you mean by "the way it is meant to be"? Are you referring to D/s? And what do you mean by you've tarnished everything regarding the depths of D/s? Are you saying that because of me you no longer have faith in D/s?

I am not some fake, sniveling, spineless sub who you have found to be 2 dimensional. We have found depths in our love that go beyond D/s. Our relationship, while having aspects of this was more. The basis was you & me. The way we felt. Not the dynamic of D/s. We were both who we were & true to ourselves.

You say you are not the man I think you to be. Who is it that you think I think you are? You are not just my Dom, not my lover, not my best friend, not my Daddy. You are you. And I love you. And if, as you say I don't know you, and perhaps that is true. I am under no illusions that to be together 24/7 would be the end of the long-distance honeymoon faze. But I do know you, and I wanted to know you better, each time I learnt more about you it made me love you more.

You told me a little about hiding under a bed. And I told you what I wanted to do to help. We mentioned that we knew each other. That out love was strong. That our love wasn't defined by any dynamic. That was within the last month. What happened?

Sending Love & thoughts of you ~ L

 

[eastern sun]

Tough love moment. Forgive me.

Re-center yourself in reality. The place where you are right now.

These internet relationships move us into a virtual world where we feel like we are freer, more alive, more "true," than we can possibly be bound in this earthly, inert body and world.

And they are intoxicating.

Like perfume rising to be eaten by the gods.

Until they go awry. And suddenly we are thrown back into the mundane. The dirt. The neglected, sometimes chaotic, reality of our lives.

The landing is so painful.

But you can only really be alive in the place and in the moment in which you are.

Be here. Fully. With your whole mind and body.

Don't live in a virtual world.

It is possible to visit that virtual world and gain insights into who you can be. It is possible to visit that virtual world and gain insights into the limitlessness of your being.

But in order to be fully alive, you must integrate that insight into the life you are actually living.

You must return home. To the messy house, and the neglected relationships, and the mundane reality that intimidates us all with its heavy demands.

Come home to yourself. To the truth. To reality, as it is.

 

[the captians wench]

like^

 

[HottieMama]

So today I texted him. I guess that's just as bad, but on the other hand I'll find that balance between stalking, and ensuring that I get what I need emotionally. Even if he can't talk to me.

I'll hope that in time I'll think of him less often & so back off a bit.

On a good note, my friend talked me out of jumping in the car & driving to him... I think if I did that I should take my own bunny to boil. (God, that got me thinking about his rabbit fur mitten...)

Dream... I relate to this and so many other things that you have said. I went through a similar process "breaking up" with my ex-Domme. It was different....not better or worse...just different...because we were best friends for 7 years before we began a relationship, but the primary thoughts/feelings were the same. She and I had been through hell and back together, and made a LOT of "late-night promises" that in hindsight were fueled more by passion than logic. It didn't change the fact though, that for a period of time I thought she "hung the moon," and naturally, it has taken me a decent amount of time to get past that. I haven't spoken to her in about a month. I just YESTERDAY deleted her from my Facebook. I don't look at the pictures of our times together anymore. (I did keep them though, just filed away...) I don't think about her constantly anymore, but there are still things that pop up that cause me to think..."remember when...," or "H would love that..." Etc...etc... It's hard, and just typing this has made a lot of memories flood back...but I know as time passes it will get easier... It already has. The memories will never be completely gone, and I am ok with that. We had a beautiful "moment in time" that can't be replaced.

Ugh..sorry...I rambled... Please take care of yourself.

 

[Licia]

*takes a deep breath*

No, hubby would never be able to understand this. What I meant by he wouldn't be surprised is that throughout our marriage it has been an uphill struggle. I don't mean that it has been work. Every relationship is work & the more it means to you the more work you are willing to put in. From the start he was distant, blamed my "crazy" side for any disagreements, never talked to me, and I was never high on his priority list. But it is a different story now. He is a great father, does many of the household chores, spends time with me & the kids, is open sexually to a certain extent. But I still feel that he is holding me back. *tries to explain*.... I believe that everyones happiness is up to the individual. As a general rule I am a happy person. And he does not make me unhappy, nor does he give me any reason to be happy, and in fact I feel at times that he is a bit of a wet blanket... just enough to dampen down my mood, hold me back. And so I have addressed this with him (much more tactfully though). In fact according to the time log K sent the Goodbye message at the same time as hubby & I were walking along the beach talking about a separation. I have tried for years to let him know what it is I desire. And bless the man, he tries so hard. He hardly ever judges my kinks, and has tried pretty much everything I have asked. We talk about it, he memorizes it & then he follows the steps required. Has no passion, not in the bedroom, not for his family, not at work. No where in his life does he feel deeply.

And that is where I stand now. Hubby is gone for a while, I am assessing if i can live without the passion, and if I can't how do I tell a man who in essence is one of the best men I have ever known. He is just not the man for me.

And as to the one who owns my passion, if I go to him, if he comes to me, or we never meet again, nothing can happen without both of us giving our whole heart to each other.

Until then I will breath. Thanks Licia.

Listening intently, her left hand reaches for the middle of her forehead. Her nails drag down the center as she hears a reflection of her past spoken back into reincarnation. A grin slides over into the nature of small worlds. Her features recollect into a bit lip until Dream's end, and she steals a glance heavenward before she starts. Reordering herself, she smiles through a lazy blink. "You're welcome. I hope that I am capable of helping and not hindering. How many years passed before the story changed with hubby?"

*takes note of the excerpt*
Naked hostility clouds her features due to the fact that Dream's heart is being flayed, so she defers to eastern sun and hottie mama. An audible inhale/exhale stays an impulsive outburst.

 

[DreamSensualist]

Today is all about me. I am going to-
1. have breakfast with a friend.
2. Keep an appointment with the Dr
3 finish sewing some curtains
4. Paint yet another room (I hate moving)
5. Do a centering yoga practice & some anatomy visualization study.
6. Take a shower (it's been a few days - yuck)
7. Play "rackasa" with my son, finish a craft with my daughter & dance in the kitchen with both.
8. Read a book instead of watching TV.
9. Possibly masturbate
10. Breath, smile, continue to put one foot in front of the other and live a mindful day.