Dream Myself

[BigGator5]

(Hello! I'm from the General Board and they all said I should post this here.)

I more or less finish my poem: Dream Myself

This is my love poem to my girl. Please tell me what you think:

I take with me now
vorpal sword
To lands of magic
myth and lore

Into the mirror
Dwarf and Elf
I dream the last dream
Dream myself

The drumming of Orcs
pound the night
They sound loud for war
want to fight

The war camp since full
many spoke
Plans of kills and loot
fire and smoke

One smell green and fat
the Orc King
Cut him down in two
vorpal sing

Into the mirror
Dwarf and Elf
I dream the last dream
Dream myself

Goblins Trolls and things
out to play
Vanquish them tonight
cut and slay

Armies march down hill
ending tool
Monsters have their fill
just one fool

Kill the queen and not
passion lost
Unknown suffering
battles cost

Into the mirror
Dwarf and Elf
I dream the last dream
Dream myself

Warrior princess
dragon kin
Sharp as a hot blade
feel my skin

Brown eyes deep and wide
like a doe
She will hunt you down
with a bow

My love forever
oh so brave
Fought them all alone
taken slave

Into the mirror
Dwarf and Elf
I dream the last dream
Dream myself

Search in day and night
look my love
Sue for peace and life
of a dove

Canterbury's will
march for war
Human king and son
forever more

Leave dead to dying
other's sin
Bad guys win today
one coffin

Into the mirror
Dwarf and Elf
I dream the last dream
Dream myself

Dream of my dream ends
this morning
I kiss her right now
her blessing

My Dragon Princess
ever be
Is safely sleeping
next to me

Live long and grow old
we will cope
Her eyes big and deep
brings me hope

Into the mirror
Dwarf and Elf
I dream the last dream
Dream myself

 

[LaRocha]

(Hello! I'm from the General Board and they all said I should post this here.)

I more or less finish my poem: Dream Myself

This is my love poem to my girl. Please tell me what you think.

that's not a love poem to your girl, you trickster. However it is a more interesting poem than any poem JRR ever wrote. And I'm a fucking nerd and have read the complete histories, the fucking arcane shit Christopher shat out to make a buck off his dear old dad. So congrats on making a nice fantasy poem, but jeers to you for trying to mislead.

change this line: Plans of kills and loot

 

[sleeepygirl]

I think he ment for you to read the completed version.
Nice job Gator.

 

[BigGator5]

that's not a love poem to your girl, you trickster. However it is a more interesting poem than any poem JRR ever wrote. And I'm a fucking nerd and have read the complete histories, the fucking arcane shit Christopher shat out to make a buck off his dear old dad. So congrats on making a nice fantasy poem, but jeers to you for trying to mislead.

Well, I'll take my compliments where I get them. Thanks.

change this line: Plans of kills and loot

Suggestions?

 

[sleeepygirl]

Well, I'll take my compliments where I get them. Thanks.

See above Gator

 

[BigGator5]

See above Gator

Thanks.

You think I should change that one line?

 

[sleeepygirl]

Thanks.

You think I should change that one line?

Whatever you like, but I think you should edit your first post and copy and paste the whole poem so people don't confuse the partially finished one for the completed version. It's best if that version were on the first post and not the 3rd. Just sayin'....

 

[BigGator5]

Whatever you like, but I think you should edit your first post and copy and paste the whole poem so people don't confuse the partially finished one for the completed version. It's best if that version were on the first post and not the 3rd. Just sayin'....

Maybe you are right. Doing that now.

 

[sleeepygirl]

Maybe you are right. Doing that now.

Much better.
Best of luck with your poem and responses.

 

[AChild]

Cool. Awesome. Great

A love poem is a personal thing, thank you for sharing with us.

#1. I think your poem needs a little more description of the world you are bringing the reader into. Instead of just saying "lands of magic myth and lore" paint the picture. You miss the chance to create your own unique world or recreate a dream.

#2 Fun doesn't rhyme with coffin.

 

[butters]

if i've time later on, there are quite a few comments to be made about this piece, but for now I'm questioning your use of the periods which are breaking sentences/phrases, think you could trim out a fair bit especially where it feels you've forced a rhyme at the expense of meaning, and the parts I enjoy best (the reps of that phrase I dream the last dream/dream myself) and found most original probably stem from Taylor Hick's song Dream Myself Awake. NOT saying you've copied - not at all, but that (I) dream myself is so strong I was disappointed to find it wasn't 'new'.

 

[BigGator5]

sleeepygirl, leave your post the way it is so that we can see how I've alter the poem.

Cool. Awesome. Great

A love poem is a personal thing, thank you for sharing with us.

#1. I think your poem needs a little more description of the world you are bringing the reader into. Instead of just saying "lands of magic myth and lore" paint the picture. You miss the chance to create your own unique world or recreate a dream.

#2 Fun doesn't rhyme with coffin.

1) I went with story over imagery, for obvious reasons. I may write a story base on this poem. However I have three other stories on the back-burner I need to finish before I start a new one.

2) Yeah, I was streaching that one rhyme and it honestly doesn't work. Changed it. I think the change works better, honestly.

if i've time later on, there are quite a few comments to be made about this piece, but for now I'm questioning your use of the periods which are breaking sentences/phrases, think you could trim out a fair bit especially where it feels you've forced a rhyme at the expense of meaning, and the parts I enjoy best (the reps of that phrase I dream the last dream/dream myself) and found most original probably stem from Taylor Hick's song Dream Myself Awake. NOT saying you've copied - not at all, but that (I) dream myself is so strong I was disappointed to find it wasn't 'new'.

1) The periods were dressing. Took them out.

2) I'm not. We all dream of ourselves when we sleep and a lot of stories take place in dreams. While the concept is probably not original, I assure you that this is all me.

 

[sleeepygirl]

sleeepygirl, leave your post the way it is so that we can see how I've alter the poem.

Oops
I edited before reading this, tried to recover it but lost it.
So sorry Gator.

 

[BigGator5]

Oops
I edited before reading this, tried to recover it but lost it.
So sorry Gator.

That's ok, I still have the original one on my site still.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hi there BigGator and welcome as you have specifically asked me for critique I will give my thoughts on your poem. You do have the makings of a good poem but it does need a fair amount of editting and as I have told someone else in a different thread you seem to be pushing in words that rhyme just for the sake of that rhyming, you then run the risk of sounding like Yoda.

Live long and grow old
to us both
Her eyes big and deep
brings me hope

Actually some of the words you have in it as rhyming don't i.e both/hope and morning/blessing. Funnily enough near rhymes are good when you are going for that sort of impression but I don't think you were.

Brown eyes deep and wide
like a doe
She will hunt you down
with a bow

There are too many syllables in this stanza I think and that tripped me up halfway through.

If you go to the thread explaining the different forms for last years Poetry Survivor it will show you how to write rhymeing couplets and getting it right is very difficult as I know to my own cost!
I hope you stick around and keep trying different way of expressing yourself, to tell you the truth when I first came here I was just rhyming everything too and got a swift kick up the backside to break me out of my comfort zone!

 

[BigGator5]

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I don't normally come to this forum as I said in the OP.

1) Changed:

Live long and grow old
we will cope
Her eyes big and deep
brings me hope

As for "rhyme just for the sake of that rhyming," this poem started out not rhyming. However I quickly realized it wouldn't work without the rhyme and sing-song quality to it.

2) Sorry, I keep counting sixteen syllables (5/3/5/3). Anyone else have a different count for this stanza?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I don't normally come to this forum as I said in the OP.

1) Changed:

Live long and grow old
we will cope
Her eyes big and deep
brings me hope

As for "rhyme just for the sake of that rhyming," this poem started out not rhyming. However I quickly realized it wouldn't work without the rhyme and sing-song quality to it.

2) Sorry, I keep counting sixteen syllables (5/3/5/3). Anyone else have a different count for this stanza?

I am not saying you shouldn't rhyme it, a lot of the great form peotry is in rhyme, I am just saying that pushing a word in for the sake of it doesn't work

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I don't normally come to this forum as I said in the OP.

1) Changed:

Live long and grow old
we will cope
Her eyes big and deep
brings me hope

As for "rhyme just for the sake of that rhyming," this poem started out not rhyming. However I quickly realized it wouldn't work without the rhyme and sing-song quality to it.

2) Sorry, I keep counting sixteen syllables (5/3/5/3). Anyone else have a different count for this stanza?

I agree with your syllable counts. With 2 syllable feet the first 3 start out with iambs, while the last is a pyrrhus (or perhaps a trochee).
Your syllable counts do appear to be fairly consistent throughout your poem, but your meter is variable.
I think UnderYourSpell has some good advise. (and form poetry can be a bitch to write, but may be apropos your subject.)

 

[BigGator5]

1) I agree with your syllable counts. With 2 syllable feet the first 3 start out with iambs, while the last is a pyrrhus (or perhaps a trochee).
2) Your syllable counts do appear to be fairly consistent throughout your poem, but your meter is variable.
3) I think UnderYourSpell has some good advice. (and form poetry can be a bitch to write, but may be apropos your subject.)

1) 'Kay...

2) I hope that doesn't distract too much from the poem.

3) I agree with her. This was my challenge to myself and I thought it turn out very nicely.