doubting my lesbian relationship!! looing for some advice.

[sookey]

well i have been with my gf for nearly 4 years. when we met i was 17 just finishing high school and never had a lesbian relationship before. she was 25 married, had 2 beautiful daughters and she had some lesbian relationships before but nothing serious.
so my gf ended up leaving her husband for me. or so i thought. i found out 3 months after we hooked up that she had been sleeping with her husband still. in some ways i could understand because she had been married to him for 5 years and they had children together. what i didn't understand is why she had asked me to move away from my family and friends so i could live with her!!
it wasn't so much the betrayal it was that i was waiting at the mall with her one of her daughters while she told me that she had to go and swap the car rego over from his name to her name. 3 hours later she still wasn't back. i didn't think anything of it at the time because i didn't know at that time that she was actually having sex with him in the car!!
i found out 3 months later.
i still feel a bit hurt about that. i don't know if it was because i felt trapped there because she said she couldn't live with out me and she was so confused about what to do, as he was using the kids as a way to get back at her and making her feel guilty. or that i never really had time to react to the betrayal!!
it has been over 3years now and things are going great. she has custody of her daughters and her ex husband lives 2 hours away. things have been going great in those 3 years. every now and then i still have flash back of the hurt and it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.
i never tell her about this as i started to talk to her about it a few times before, but she always gets really angry at me and says "why do you want to know" she says she doesn't want to talk about it as it makes her feel bad.
i do love her with all my heart and i treat her daughters as if they are my own. i feel like i have moved past this in some ways but it only comes up again if i dream about it or i hear about other people cheating. and all the feelings come back again.
lately she has been barking orders at me.... i know she wrks long hours etc but i feel like we are drifting apart a bit. i know that we still love each other deeply and that we want to stay together there is just something thast not right at the moment.

any advice would be a great help............ thanks guys

 

[symbolicflame]

Hi and welcome to the boards.
I can only tell you what I would do and here it is. Rehashing the past is no good. If it takes counseling for you to help with the hurt then do it, but to keep bringing up the past and expecting answers to questions that she may not even know in her heart will get you no where. She cheated on you that is the fact, the fact is that she may not have been ready at that point to truly accept who she was. But where is she now? With you. Loving you, living with you and being your SO. You have to find it within yourself to trust her again or this will never work. Trust her to love you. If you need to, you could write her a letter and put down all the feelings about the cheating. And then you could either 1) Tell her when you give to her that is something from you to help move on or 2) Burn it, give it to god so to speak and trust that from now she is your heartmate.
As for her behavior of late, it could be really anything. Have you asked her about it? It could be job related. She may just need to talk it out with you. Yes there is no reason for her to snap at you, but she could be under some stress you are not aware of.
I guess the whole point of this reply is to tel you to communicate with her. One of the keys to a great relationship is open communication. Without it the ship will sink. I wish you luck.

 

[Etoile]

I hate to say this, but my instinctive reaction is that you should get out of there fast. She treated you like shit in your first months together - nobody deserves to be treated like that, and especially not someone who was 17 years old in a relationship with a 25 year old. She was in a position of power and she should not have done that to you. (I know this because I was 17 when my wife and I met, and she was 29 at the time...with an age difference there is always a power difference.)

And despite the good times you've had in the past three years, she's still not treating you with respect. Ignoring the issue of her previous transgressions - which were inexcusable IMHO - and getting angry is a BIG danger sign. She has NO right to treat you that way. Things get better with time, but not if you ignore them. You have to let time pass and ALSO talk about it.

I know you still love her, and you love her daughters. But from what you have said in the original post, she is not treating you right and it sounds like really bad news. I think if you told this story to Dan Savage (a sex columnist) he would tell you to DTMFA. And I really think that's the best thing. If she hasn't started respecting you after four years together, she isn't somebody to spend the rest of your life with.

 

[Anniejustagirl]

i never tell her about this as i started to talk to her about it a few times before, but she always gets really angry at me and says "why do you want to know" she says she doesn't want to talk about it as it makes her feel bad.

Her anger is a Big RED flag for me.... yes, it probably does make her 'feel bad' and it Should... she cheated on you... she was dishonest... she disrespected you and your relationship. and i would be worried that she is still cheating and hiding it from you.

and i have to agree with Etoile... Run, do not walk to the nearest exit... you need to take care of yourself first and IF she is willing to work on the relationship and be honest with ALL of it... then Maybe there is a chance... but for the time being.... IMHO... there is no real relationship without complete honesty!

Be gentle with yourself and listen to your head.... it sounds like you already have a plan in mind.... it's just tough to say it out loud and even tougher to carry it out... You deserve much better!

Many good wishes to you....

 

[sookey]

thanks for all your advice guys.
i have sat down with her and explained how this is making me feel and that i never really had time to deal with my own feelings about the betrayal. she actually surprised me and sat down adn told me what state of mind she was in at the time (confused about who she was) it explains what she was feeling etc. i know its a bit late nearly 4 years, but at least i know now and i can move on in some ways.
once again guys thanks for all your help. i know where i will be coming when i need some advice

 

[Etoile]

I'm glad the two of you were able to have a constructive conversation. I hope things continue to go so well! Keep us posted if you think of it, and we look forward to having you hanging out here.