daughter
Dreamer
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 1,561
WE--
Just read "Double Fuck". Funny, good pace that creates a playful tone. Good to see you further experimenting with repetition and refrains.
Some minor nits. Despite the few words, the poem is too long. I'd par just a few words. IMO, this would enhance the rhythm you've effectively created. It's easy to see why you use some of the repetition. Still, I'd scale just a bit.
Linebreaks can be a b--tch to learn. They trip me up fairly often. Not only do the amount of words makes this too long, the greater culprits are your linebreaks. Cleary you haven't written this as you envision it being spoken, but these breaks aren't the only ones available to you. Think of how long a breath is and you can see how the lines in a read can be lenghten. This will change the presentation, but I think you will still maintain the tone and pace of the read. I'd keep them short, but longer than what you have. To pull this off, you'll need greater punctuation, something the novice poet often wants to abandon. Punctuation-free verse can work. Sometimes though, syntax is a tool that can enhance a read.
Folks do pretty well with smut here. No shortage of kinky, freaky, nasty words that are great for celebrating our sexuality. The downside is the amount of times we read these words. "Fuck" doesn't have the same punch simply because of how casually we use it now. I'm not saying throw it out, I am arguing we have to be more judicious in how we use it because it's no longer the dirty word we used to enjoy spewing out to shock somebody.
It is exciting to witness you experimenting and having fun with poetry. I don't know about others, but I am encouraged when I read a new selection by you. You eagerly try new forms, devices, and styles in your work. Keep doing it. It will increase your breadth and skill as a poet.
Thanks for the read.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30086
Peace,
daughter
Just read "Double Fuck". Funny, good pace that creates a playful tone. Good to see you further experimenting with repetition and refrains.
Some minor nits. Despite the few words, the poem is too long. I'd par just a few words. IMO, this would enhance the rhythm you've effectively created. It's easy to see why you use some of the repetition. Still, I'd scale just a bit.
Linebreaks can be a b--tch to learn. They trip me up fairly often. Not only do the amount of words makes this too long, the greater culprits are your linebreaks. Cleary you haven't written this as you envision it being spoken, but these breaks aren't the only ones available to you. Think of how long a breath is and you can see how the lines in a read can be lenghten. This will change the presentation, but I think you will still maintain the tone and pace of the read. I'd keep them short, but longer than what you have. To pull this off, you'll need greater punctuation, something the novice poet often wants to abandon. Punctuation-free verse can work. Sometimes though, syntax is a tool that can enhance a read.
Folks do pretty well with smut here. No shortage of kinky, freaky, nasty words that are great for celebrating our sexuality. The downside is the amount of times we read these words. "Fuck" doesn't have the same punch simply because of how casually we use it now. I'm not saying throw it out, I am arguing we have to be more judicious in how we use it because it's no longer the dirty word we used to enjoy spewing out to shock somebody.
It is exciting to witness you experimenting and having fun with poetry. I don't know about others, but I am encouraged when I read a new selection by you. You eagerly try new forms, devices, and styles in your work. Keep doing it. It will increase your breadth and skill as a poet.
Thanks for the read.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30086
Peace,
daughter
