Double Blind 3 - Poems and Critiques Only

[Lyricalli]

Welcome to the third installment of the Double Blind challenge. This thread is for the poems and critiques; general chatter is welcome in the announcement/update thread.

Instructions from greenmountaineer's original challenge:

Important: You do not have to submit a poem in order to provide feedback. In fact, the more feedback there is the better the challenge will be.

Note to submitters: If you're looking specific feedback, feel free to say so.

If this challenge works, there may be a few take aways for us to become better writers.​

Submitters, PM me if there's specific feedback you're hoping to get, and I will mention it on the thread to keep your anonymity.

There are still a couple of slots open for submitted poems. I'll update if they get filled.

Poems will be posted about 48 hours apart to give each one time to receive critiques and comments.

 

[Lyricalli]

DB3-1: The Good Night

The Good Night

The night light flickers on, just enough to light my steps
a glow that warms and lies at the same time.
I strip off layers of mascara, rouge and eye shadow
- that's when the night's been good,
my ears still ringing with jokes and laughter
and the first gentle touches of would-be gentlemen.

Most nights bleed into mornings that scream their too-bright
sunshine, heel and arch moaning their torture through
rips in stockings, foundation and mascara smeared on the pillow.
The dress has done its duty, despite worn velvet and torn sequins,
mostly covering the bruises, needle mark scabs, and other sins.

A good night's when no one notices the prosthesis.
I take it off slowly, roll the sweat-stained sock
down the too-smooth flesh-pink plastic,
hard like a mannequin under my fingers,
loosen the buckles as if it were just another boot,
put it aside for another day.

It's a good day when no one coos their pity mixed with worthless pieties;
only a two-Motrin evening, smoke chased with gin and tonics,
the scars blending under the sagging, distended flesh, as
he asks, "what do you have to lose? don't be coy, we're both adults here."

 

[Magnetron]

I say jettison Stanza 2 in its entirety. It detracts from the whole, rather than adds.

It leaves the impression of drug use when mentioning needle marks in conjunction with sins. The waters becomes too murky here. It this because of pain management ( prosthesis discomfort ) , recreational use or to cope with being a prostitute?

 

[greenmountaineer]

I've read the poem 3 times. Although it has some powerful language, I agree with Mags. The water's too murky. In order for me to identify with her, I want to better understand who she is, and I don't.

I also strongly agree with Mags to rid the porm of stanza 2. The remaining 3 are much more cohesive without it. In fact, the 3rd stanza is very good.

Line 1 of stanza 4 is melodramatic, given stanza 2. Without it, line 1 has potential. I'd enjamb it to read

"It's a good day when no one coos
their pity mixed with worthless pieties;"

I think it gives greater emphasis to the caricature of people cooing at her as if were a baby in her prosthetic "baby carriage."

Maybe the "she" I have in mind without stanza 2 isn't what the poet had in mind, but I see a young woman dealing with pain on a daily basis and desperately looking for love to make life more meaningful and the pain more bearable.

 

[Angeline]

What a powerful piece of writing! I love it when a poem swerves into something I wasn't expecting and takes me somewhere new. That's good reading!

I think the author is trying to lead up to the prosthesis. I'd combine some of Stanzas 1 & 2, specifically by losing the last two lines of S1 and replacing them with the last two lines in S2. It helps to know about the bruises and scabs. It also gets rid of the murkiness about time of day in S1.

Also think that last stanza should end with "lose." It focuses the whole poem for me because it is a poem about loss and pain. What follows it seems to me expendable, not adding to the poem.

Other than that just a basic cleanup to make sure absolutely every word is necessary and the right word (it builds poetry character!), and the poem could be a strong contender to be published in a number of places online. Just my opinions.

 

[Piscator]

A powerful piece.

But I disagree with the others and would amputate the prosthesis stanza. It strikes me as playing too much with the pity note and is more than sufficient without this crutch.

And I would keep the break between night and day in the first two stanzas.

I agree with Angeline that the last stanza should end at 'lose.'

 

[Magnetron]

A powerful piece.

But I disagree with the others and would amputate the prosthesis stanza. It strikes me as playing too much with the pity note and is more than sufficient without this crutch.

Removing the prosthesis would result in a major overhaul of the entire poem.

Or in the very least, something else to would have to replace it in order to explain away the needle mark scabs, taking Motrin, scars under sagging distended flesh and this entire line:

It's a good day when no one coos their pity mixed with worthless pieties;

 

[Sinseria]

ok I would have to agree with Ange this is an excellent poem! ...hehe I've read it like 50 times now ...I have to differ though with some critiques here ...I love the first line of the second stanza ...to me its a powerful line

however I would take out the section "foundation and mascara smeared on the pillow." or exchange it with the other one ...to much focus on the make up ...but that's just my personal opinion ...


I think my confusion anyway is with the first stanza ...I think I would take the last two lines of the first stanza and make it the first to the second stanza ...then take that most nights bleed into the first stanza! ...hope that makes sense!

 

[Magnetron]

End Line 9 at stockings. Like Sinseria says, we already heard about makeup in Stanza 1.

I would still axe Lines 10 and 11.

 

[Lyricalli]

DB3-2: That's Shallot!

That's Shallot!

This crazy life is like an onion.
This crazy life is like an onion.
designed to make everyone weep.
Designed to make everyone weep
an onion is life designed crazy
to make everyone weep like this.

Each layer reveals more layers.
Each layer reveals more layers
nothing changes the outlook,
nothing changes the outlook.
The outlook more layers, each
layer reveals, nothing changes.

As life vegetates, under the skin
as life vegetates, under the skin,
only the juices brings zip and vim,
only the juices brings zip and vim.
Zip the skin and as life juices
brings vim under, only vegetates.

This crazy onion vegetates as life,
zip under the skin and weep.
Only designed to layer the outlook
nothing brings changes, is like
everyone make more layers
as each juice reveals the vim.

 

[Magnetron]

That's Shallot!

This crazy life is like an onion.
This crazy life is like an onion.
designed to make everyone weep.
Designed to make everyone weep
an onion is life designed crazy
to make everyone weep like this.

Each layer reveals more layers.
Each layer reveals more layers
nothing changes the outlook,
nothing changes the outlook.
The outlook more layers, each
layer reveals, nothing changes.

As life vegetates, under the skin
as life vegetates, under the skin,
only the juices brings zip and vim,
only the juices brings zip and vim.
Zip the skin and as life juices
brings vim under, only vegetates.

This crazy onion vegetates as life,
zip under the skin and weep.
Only designed to layer the outlook
nothing brings changes, is like
everyone make more layers
as each juice reveals the vim.

This one just needs more finesse so the language doesn't end up garbled.

 

[Piscator]

I'm not familiar with the form but this seems somewhat disorganized, as the repeated lines are sometimes capitalized, sometimes not. It would definitely benefit from an rigorous edit.

 

[legerdemer]

I think it's a paradelle, and I have an idea who may have written it. I applaud the attempt, and especially the subject, but the form sure makes it hard to shoehorn the ideas logically into it - I would be tempted to strain it at the seams a bit . It has some typos/grammar issues, which in some cases make the verb/subject relationships ambiguous (for example in the last two lines of S3).

I'll have to come back to it...

 

[Sinseria]

I have to agree with magnetron on this one ...there are a few places where the words do not flow correctly to me ...

besides those ...I would make changes to the first stanza with the last line "like this"
and the fourth line in the last stanza that says "is like"



hehe and paradelle's are way hard but lots of fun! good job!

 

[greenmountaineer]

It is a paradelle. My hat is off to the poet who wrote it because it's a hell of a form to master.

I've yet to read a paradelle that doesn't have fractured syntax. Invented by Billy Collins, the paradelle is supposed to be zany light verse, so the grammatical irregularities, including the intermittent capitalization, don't bother me.

When I have more time, I'm going to take out the poetry microscope to see if the last stanza includes all words in the preceding stanzas, which is one of Collins' zany rules for a paradelle, the other being the repetition of words in the last two lines of each of lines preceding them in the stanza.

We had a paradelle challenge once. It was the hardest poem I ever wrote. I'm still not sure I got it right, but I got a chuckle when I finished it.

I too have a suspect in mind as to its author.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

I think it's a promising bunny. I particularly like the use of the word "vim", although the word "vegetates" somehow doesn't work for me. With that much repetition, the reader has to find the key words very pleasing or provocative.

 

[greenmountaineer]

P.s.

For your reading pleasure, including the original paradelle:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradelle

http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/zoebrigley/entry/billy_collins_paradelle/

I love the tongue in cheek note at the end of "Susan."

 

[Angeline]

Madwoman of Shallot?

This second entry is very clever. As GM pointed out, it is a paradelle and as such is super restricted because of rules for repetition and word placement. You can't really compare the poem against anything but other paradelles imho. I's a funny poem and I especially like that the repetitions support the idea of peeling away layers. That makes the form work for the poem and is also a sign of a skilled poet to me.

The word placement rules do make for awkward and sometimes confusing phrasing, but you can't write this form without that happening--and that was very much Billy's Collins' point when he devised it. You have to know the poem is a paradelle and be aware of the sense of humor with which it was created to fully appreciate how good it is.

 

[Magnetron]

As life vegetates, under the skin
as life vegetates, under the skin,
only the juices brings zip and vim,
only the juices brings zip and vim.
Zip the skin and as life juices
brings vim under, only vegetates.

This crazy onion vegetates as life,
zip under the skin and weep.
Only designed to layer the outlook
nothing brings changes, is like
everyone make more layers
as each juice reveals the vim.

The "juices" in Stanza 3 should be 'juice" to work in conjunction with "brings" and be consistent with "juice" in Stanza 4

 

[Angeline]

The "juices" in Stanza 3 should be 'juice" to work in conjunction with "brings" and be consistent with "juice" in Stanza 4

Also to fix the subject-verb agreement...

 

[Magnetron]

This crazy life is like an onion.
This crazy life is like an onion.
designed for making everyone weep.
Designed for making everyone weep
an onion is life designed crazy
for making everyone weep like this.

Each layering reveals more layers.
Each layering reveals more layers
nothing changes the outlook,
nothing changes the outlook.
The outlook more layers, each
layering reveals, nothing changes.

This crazy onion vegetates as life,
zip under the skin and weep.
Only designed for layering the outlook
nothing brings changes, is like
everyone making more layers
as each juice reveals the vim.

I think it would sound better in certain places with these particular edits.

 

[Piscator]

I'm not familiar with the form but this seems somewhat disorganized, as the repeated lines are sometimes capitalized, sometimes not. It would definitely benefit from an rigorous edit.

Open mouth change feet

 

[Magnetron]

For your reading pleasure, including the original paradelle:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradelle

http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/zoebrigley/entry/billy_collins_paradelle/

I love the tongue in cheek note at the end of "Susan."

The first paradelle I read was by Legs. It is a fascinating form, despite its origin as a hoax. And I am no fan of writing strict forms like AH's evil sonnets.

To me, the challenge lies in making the non repetitious lines read intelligible.

I look forward to writing a few of these myself.

 

[legerdemer]

I like Magnetron's suggested changes, especially the layering; I was working on my own, but his are better.

I would also have suggested ferments instead of vegetates, but that's my quirk and it was harder to work into the last stanza - I had not come up with a pleasing solution yet. I only mention it 'cause, well, why not... Maybe it will trigger something. Maybe not.

I like the tongue-in-cheekiness (misspell intentional) of it a lot.

 

[Lyricalli]

DB3-3: Truth to Flesh

Truth to Flesh

Technology at its best
Does not accept the fear
Or the anticipation beseeching the dream
The wills of texts with requests to be
That painted whore on bended knee

Secrets whispered
Shared across the shrunken screen
For only us to see

Collective thoughts
Splayed in the deep dark of night
Tempting the sins of our souls
With messages back and forth
That read of wanton ecstasy

The mental maze
Played as a lovers game
For the truth of you
And the truth of me
Lusting to the written word
With those pixilated pictures
Pristine and clear to please

Dimmed only to the night shades
Shadowed by our minds
Flickering to the innocence of flesh
Hiding the blemished scars
That will never feel its caress
Beyond the words of texts

This image of clarity
Perfect in its consent
Bleeding the heart
To wanton need
But when will it be
Truth to flesh