Doms who want to be your sugar daddy...

[Krinaia]

Earlier tonight I was discussing my recent car ruining/insurance heigthening experiences and bemoaning my expected finacial tightness that will be a result of said incident. We both agreed I needed a sugar daddy - mostly in jest. I think. Anyhow...

It reminded me of my early BDSM experiences (online) with several doms. These doms were somewhat scary posers that I quickly learned to avoid, or tell to get lost. But there were a few that I talked to for a long time. And I always got the impression that they would "take care" of me... in a finacial sense as well as in a bdsm sense. I don't like to be beholden to anyone in that way - I hate borrowing money and as a single, I think going dutch is the only way to keep a relationship from getting ridiculous.

But I understand that a dominant can either wish for their submissive to work to support them or work to support their sub. I see the submission in both. And the dominance in both situations.

But what do you guys think of men (dominants) that offer to become a sort of sugar daddy to you...

 

[Kajira Callista]

Earlier tonight I was discussing my recent car ruining/insurance heigthening experiences and bemoaning my expected finacial tightness that will be a result of said incident. We both agreed I needed a sugar daddy - mostly in jest. I think. Anyhow...

It reminded me of my early BDSM experiences (online) with several doms. These doms were somewhat scary posers that I quickly learned to avoid, or tell to get lost. But there were a few that I talked to for a long time. And I always got the impression that they would "take care" of me... in a finacial sense as well as in a bdsm sense. I don't like to be beholden to anyone in that way - I hate borrowing money and as a single, I think going dutch is the only way to keep a relationship from getting ridiculous.

But I understand that a dominant can either wish for their submissive to work to support them or work to support their sub. I see the submission in both. And the dominance in both situations.

But what do you guys think of men (dominants) that offer to become a sort of sugar daddy to you...

If i may....from experience...its a hard thing to give up that kind of independence and have to be dependant on another. I think it would depend on the relationship, how serious it was. Alot of sub/slaves give up all, including that. I did, and the money i earned (worked a reg full time job) while i was his was put away for me to have if ever i should need it. I understand how you feel about the borrowing thing, most of us are not raised to be dependant on another. But if you looked at is at another form of submission requested by your Master, it makes it a kind of different situation.

 

[s'lara]

i'm not sure how being a sugar daddy and being a Dom is related.

If the sub and the Dominant are involved in a committed relationship wherein the Dominant does not want the sub to work, how is that being a sugar daddy?

To my way of thinking, a sugar daddy is someone who offers financial support for sexual favors. If it is the Dominant's wish to be the financial provider in the relationship ... that's simply His/Her preference and unrelated to to exchanging money for the occasional sexual romp.

i think it best not to confuse Dominants (Men/Women in the BDSM lifestyle) with others who want to ensure steady sexual favors with money.

lara

 

[lark sparrow]

I don't like to be beholden to anyone in that way - I hate borrowing money and as a single, I think going dutch is the only way to keep a relationship from getting ridiculous.

I agree with the other responses, the above can be a form of surrender or submission, IF desired by the Dominant.

 

[Krinaia]

i'm not sure how being a sugar daddy and being a Dom is related.

If the sub and the Dominant are involved in a committed relationship wherein the Dominant does not want the sub to work, how is that being a sugar daddy?

To my way of thinking, a sugar daddy is someone who offers financial support for sexual favors. If it is the Dominant's wish to be the financial provider in the relationship ... that's simply His/Her preference and unrelated to to exchanging money for the occasional sexual romp.

i think it best not to confuse Dominants (Men/Women in the BDSM lifestyle) with others who want to ensure steady sexual favors with money.

lara

I didn't mean to infer all dominants are sugar daddies. Your response makes me think you misinterperted what I was trying to ask or start a conversation on...

nor was I saying anything was wrong with being a submissive who doesn't work on her dominant's wishes. In fact, I made the point I saw where that was a form of submission.

What I was trying to ask... is what do you think of the men that who want to play that part of a sugar daddy and also of a dominant... I don't feel I really have the experience to make a judgement or opinion on it one way or the other. So please don't assume I'm making them.

And I don't think of a sugar daddy who necessarily is looking for sexual favors... I think sometimes they are searching just to feel they are supporting a woman and the kind of satisfaction that gives them. But I haven't come in contact with many, I make jokes about them - sugar daddies that is - but I know relatively little about it. Which is why I started this thread - to find out more.

I once had a "dominant" - online - in the begining of my journey into this lifestyle - that would offer me finacial aid when i made some offhand comment about the price of school and the proverty of college life. He didn't want me too meet him if he sent the money but he wanted to make my life easier. He undoubtedly hoped I would meet him though. That I would feel beholden to do so. He eventaully, asked me to move in with him. He told me he'd take care of all my needs. I decided to end the relationship. Which wasn't a relationship.

I'm curious if anyone has had similar experiences....

 

[lark sparrow]

Money is a form of power. If you don't like playing with power through money than equal is probably the way to go.

 

[Krinaia]

what do you mean when you say that equal is the way to go?


I, in fact, would love to be able to hand my paycheck to someone and say, I am bad with managing money - please help. Restrict my uses of it, help me save, help me build my savings, help me pay off my massive student loans. But not from someone I barely know. And I would not have respect for someone who wanted me to work so he could sit on his ass all day. Not saying that there is anything necessarily wrong with that - it's just not a lifestyle I'm interested in living for myself. And any dominant wanting a sub that could support him - isn't he giving up control in some way?

And as for letting someone pay - if I was dating that person more than casually and they had a secure job and worked regularly and WANTED to pay for dates - I'm more than happy to let them. But I come in contanct mostly with other poor college students and I think it would be unfair to expect them to pay or for them to expect me to pay. I can barely put gas in my guzzler-car sometimes.

My issue isn't with stuff like that so much as letting guys I've not met buy me plane tickets so I can visit them. Or guys I just met buy me expensive stuff. Makes me uncomfortable. But then again, I've never been good at receiving eithe rcompliments or gifts.

 

[s'lara]

I didn't mean to infer all dominants are sugar daddies. Your response makes me think you misinterperted what I was trying to ask or start a conversation on...

nor was I saying anything was wrong with being a submissive who doesn't work on her dominant's wishes. In fact, I made the point I saw where that was a form of submission.

What I was trying to ask... is what do you think of the men that who want to play that part of a sugar daddy and also of a dominant... I don't feel I really have the experience to make a judgement or opinion on it one way or the other. So please don't assume I'm making them.

And I don't think of a sugar daddy who necessarily is looking for sexual favors... I think sometimes they are searching just to feel they are supporting a woman and the kind of satisfaction that gives them. But I haven't come in contact with many, I make jokes about them - sugar daddies that is - but I know relatively little about it. Which is why I started this thread - to find out more.

I once had a "dominant" - online - in the begining of my journey into this lifestyle - that would offer me finacial aid when i made some offhand comment about the price of school and the proverty of college life. He didn't want me too meet him if he sent the money but he wanted to make my life easier. He undoubtedly hoped I would meet him though. That I would feel beholden to do so. He eventaully, asked me to move in with him. He told me he'd take care of all my needs. I decided to end the relationship. Which wasn't a relationship.

I'm curious if anyone has had similar experiences....

Then i may have misinterpreted your post.

If there is someone who wants to "play" the Dominant and financial provider, than so be it. If that is what turns the wheels, have at it. If the intention is to provide financial support because it satisfies something within the sugar daddy, i don't see a problem with this particular kind of need. If the arrangement is temporary, then there might be a negative outcome for the dependent submissive. However, if the intention is to "take care" of the submissive on a committed level, then i don't see an issue.

When it comes to matters of financial depedence (it has been discussed on the board before), there is no judgement to be made. The structure of any D/s relationship relies purely on the individuals involved. What works for parties involved is what matters.

my personal viewpoint is not to have someone offer to be a sugar daddy simply because it fulfills a need within themselves to express control. imo, if the Dominant expects this kind of submission, then it is beyond "sugar daddy" and is simply the wish of the Dominant that i must comply with as expected.

lara

 

[bunny bondage]

i've gotten several of these offers from alt.com. dirty old men offering me an "allowance". i avoid these like the plague. i suppose if i were in a relationship that became one in which he worked and i stayed at home, i could be ok with that, but i wouldn't want to enter a situation where felt like i was being paid for my "services"

 

[s'lara]

Skyline -

Please make sure that your PM box is empty (or capable of receiving replies) if you want responses to the PM's you send out. Tough to give an answer if denied access. Thanks in advance.

lara

 

[lark sparrow]

What I mean to say is that if it doesn't appeal to you, nor does it appeal to you to have a Dominant that it appeals to, then there is nothing wrong with not accepting it.

Money can be a form of power. Whether it is a Dominant controlling the money, or a Dominant receiving money, or a Dominant doling out money. Or in none of it if money is something that you would rather not involve. Involving money can go just about any way it is accepted in going.

Accepting money from an anonymous person online, who may or may not have and be willing to part with whatever money they are offering - getting it may be quite the challenge if the offer is actually accepted - is something I would walk away from too. I don't think it's the same thing as an agreement that suits mutual needs in a D/s relationship.

 

[s'lara]

Further to my post:

Financial control, i.e., the submissive's income is restricted (obliterated) by the Dominant for purposes of enforcing restraint is a far cry from wanting to offer financial support for submission.

i understand what you are saying Skyline, but i think it should be clear what a sugar daddy is as opposed to what a Dominant expects. Semantics? Sure. But in this case, i think the implication of finances being the key control issue is unrelated to a D/s relationship. If a Dominant offers a "carrot" of complete financial freedom, i would question the intent.

lara

 

[hurtme]

For me, its not a matter of the money. I suck at handling money...I wouldn't have a problem in the least with handing over my paycheck, as long as I got to have some of the money for my own playing...but my thing is, I have to work. I can't imagine sitting at home all day baking cookies and tidying up. I don't have any kids, I would get bored fast. In ordr for me to feel like a good person, I need to be working, doing something to help, to contribute.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My issue isn't with stuff like that so much as letting guys I've not met buy me plane tickets so I can visit them. Or guys I just met buy me expensive stuff. Makes me uncomfortable. But then again, I've never been good at receiving eithe rcompliments or gifts.

I agree with much of what Lara has said. I came in contact with many who offered plane tickets at their expense while I was looking. It was not easy to get used to, and apart from Master once we were married I never accepted a ticket, but I came to realise over time and experience there was nothing sinister or strange in these men offering a means for us to meet, just their practical response to a difficult situation. I learned it was actually a compliment they thought I was to be trusted and worth them spending that money on me to bring about a meeting, and was not laden with any expectations apart from meeting. I turned them down on reasons other than the ticket.

Ones who visited also were insistent of paying for everything we did or enjoyed, with no further expectations. One I turned down even offered money to help me afterwards, while another I never met but became friends with has made it clear if ever I am in need in any way he will help with no further expectation. He has actually done that before for a sub caught in a bad situation and neither expected or asked for anything in return for the thousands he spent in ensuring her safety and survival.

Master himself sent money, and not insignificant amounts, before our meeting so I was able to arrange things he needed done before he arrived. He also sent money when I was once in a financial spot. I found it difficult as I am not raised this way, but also saw it as a sign he was genuine and committed.

My giving up work was more an issue of language than anything else though he expressed a desire to have me available at any time of day. He is happy for me to seek employment if I wish, but it is more out of concern for my comfort than need. He refuses to touch my money which he insists remains safely in Australia, and he wants me to learn the language quick so I can fully manage our financial life as he feels I am more skilled in this area. That is just another way of my utilising skills to serve his needs.

Catalina

 

[Mr Blonde]

It has all been said by the others but I have time to kill....so oh well!

The financial angle is a perfectly legitimate form of power exchange. If you actively seek it, good for you. If you are tentatively against it but would be amenable if you met the correct master, then you can just be a nice happy SSC couple.

Forced prostitution is also a perfectly legitimate form of power exchange. You would be selling yourself to him (or others) in the context of your agreed relationship. This has also been discussed in the forums several times.

If both of these items are on your hard boundary list, then you just have a vanilla situation. I have never done online dating but a friend of mine met his wife that way. He talked to her for 40+ hours before they agreed to meet at a coffee shop. They only lived 20 minutes apart.

If they had been long distance, the cost of a plane ticket would have been sofa change compared to how much of his time/energy he invested in getting to know her through a chat window. At some point reasonable people want to take a chance, so plane tickets are bought and visits are made.

Plus offering a plane ticket is probably a filtering device for some of these men. If you run away, they decide you are just a tease who wastes their time but is not interested in real life meeting. If you are taken aback but still interested, tell them you have previously met people long distance but you need time to gain some familiarity. Reasonable people would understand.

So this is either a BDSM issue or a vanilla issue depending on your point of view.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[hurtme]

I wasn't raised with very many good values or morals, but one thing that was drilled into me over and over was that one MUST work...hard. If you don't you are not a productive member of society, and if you don't come home exhausted, unable to do more than take the top off your beer, then your not working hard enough and you obviously need to do more. Last year my grandmother accosted me on one of my rare visits to her home...she asked what I was doing, I replied, working, 50 hours a week, minimum, babysitting my bfs sisters kid, occasionally volunteering, etc...but when she found out that I didn't cook three hot meals a day for my man on top of it, she freaked out, ahnded me a box of pots and pans and some recipe books form the 1940s...How to make a meal in under half an hour (1/2 an hour, what takes 1/2 hour in the microwave?) so taking care of a home would not fulfill me, because I was raised that I should be able to do that, AND work like a dog.
I have gotten out of the mentality somewhat, I realize not everyone who doesn't work is a bum, and that it works for some people, and i realize I don't have to balence the world on my shoulders, but sometimes I slip...

 

[NCShin]

If I had a job that I could afford to have my wife/girlfriend/sub stay home, AND she wanted to do so I'd love to do it.

As it is now however, I cannot.

At the same time, I think I'd encourage her to work even if the money wasn't the issue. Working provides personal growth. I would think that things would get boring after a while if she had nothing to talk about. I mean, picture this...

How was your day?

It was the usual. Well, I did find a HUGE dust bunny under the bed today. It wasn't there yesterday, but today, there it was.

Oh....OK, anything else happen?

No, not really...

Oh...

I just think that everyone needs to get out even if it's just so they have things to talk about. The evil customer, the runnaway printer, the broken fax machine. Anything.

 

[hurtme]

If money is not the issue, there is always volunteer work...if for some reason I was in a position where I didn't have to have a wage job, I would definately volunteer as many hours a week as I could handle!

 

[catalina_francisco]

If I had a job that I could afford to have my wife/girlfriend/sub stay home, AND she wanted to do so I'd love to do it.

As it is now however, I cannot.

At the same time, I think I'd encourage her to work even if the money wasn't the issue. Working provides personal growth. I would think that things would get boring after a while if she had nothing to talk about. I mean, picture this...

How was your day?

It was the usual. Well, I did find a HUGE dust bunny under the bed today. It wasn't there yesterday, but today, there it was.

Oh....OK, anything else happen?

No, not really...

Oh...

I just think that everyone needs to get out even if it's just so they have things to talk about. The evil customer, the runnaway printer, the broken fax machine. Anything.

Sorry but that may be some people but doesn't apply in this house. I have always, whether working or not, found plenty of ways to engage my brain through various means. Self education and personal growth are both areas I excel in and are committed to, and do not require one on one physical interaction with someone else to make happen. I read, I observe, I converse with onthers online, I think, I study, I create art, I write, and I meditate. I did however date a man once who worked (as I did), and all he could talk to anyone about was his work, what guage paper he printed, what ink setting he put the machine on, how many pages he printed, how many he would print the next day, how fantastic he thought he was...he bored everyone to death...so getting out to work does not necessarily encourage personal growth or stimulating conversation.

Catalina

 

[Krinaia]

If money is not the issue, there is always volunteer work...if for some reason I was in a position where I didn't have to have a wage job, I would definately volunteer as many hours a week as I could handle!

Right, I'm much like you hurtme. If I was ever in a situation where I was able to give up my job or my dominant wished me to do so - I'd need something to do with my life. Besides him. Or I'd rot. Or I'd start my own practice and do so from the home.

One thing I'd love to be able to do is go back to school - so that I could become a professor. In that case, I would have the summers free to spend with any children I might have. Plus I'd get to change the academic system a little - a lot of my professors are incredibly negative.

<snip>If both of these items are on your hard boundary list, then you just have a vanilla situation. <snip>

<snip>So this is either a BDSM issue or a vanilla issue depending on your point of view. <snip>

I don't understand exactly what you're saying when you made these two comments .... are you saying that if I have anything on a hard limits list that I am suddenly vanilla? It is just that it sounds to me as if you're saying if you don't give submit in every single aspect, then you're vanilla with a few fetishes and submissive tendencies. Which I think is bull. There are shades of grey which are perfectly legitmate. Few things in life are black or white. But it might be I'm misinterperting what you're saying or jumping to conclusions.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If money is not the issue, there is always volunteer work...if for some reason I was in a position where I didn't have to have a wage job, I would definately volunteer as many hours a week as I could handle!

Used to think that way, and if I was in my own country my plan was to be in business for myself and work 3 days for paid clients and 2 days for unpaid clients who couldn't pay.....but except for the own business idea, volunteering lost it's charm for me. Why? A lot of previously paid positions were scraped by the government putting a lot of people out of work, and given to volunteer organisations who had people who would do it for nothing. The quality of service dropped dramatically endangering people's lives and health, many lost careers they had worked in for decades, people who previously accessed the services were not necessarily able to anymore as they were judged on a scale devised by bureaucrats with no knowledge of the area as to whether they 'needed' or 'deserved' the service, and it devalued workers who had previously earned their wage and worked committed to their clients, denying them the right to be paid for what they did, to earn a living.

Feminism has a huge problem with people's work being devalued to worthless through the volunteer system and it is a valid argument from quality of service, and the right to work and earn a living perspectives. People have a right to make a living, not to be expected to work without pay. And while you may argue that it is OK though if volunteer workers would not be doing anything otherwise, it still at the end of the day denies a paid worker that job and an income which may be needed fi volunteers weren't so ready to offer their services free. My objection to this system is made stronger from coming from the country with the largest unpaid volunteer work force (and growing) in the developed world, and a huge problem with unemployment which the government does not want to address in a way which will return people to work. They say they make improvements but the reality is they just creats new policies which make another section of the unemployed ineligible to claim benefits which in turn removes them from the unemployment figures. Looks good, but is just shifting figures and burying them where they can't be seen by the system and it's observers.

Catalina

 

[Krinaia]

Sorry but that may be some people but doesn't apply in this house. I have always, whether working or not, found plenty of ways to engage my brain through various means. Self education and personal growth are both areas I excel in and are committed to, and do not require one on one physical interaction with someone else to make happen. I read, I observe, I converse with onthers online, I think, I study, I create art, I write, and I meditate. I did however date a man once who worked (as I did), and all he could talk to anyone about was his work, what guage paper he printed, what ink setting he put the machine on, how many pages he printed, how many he would print the next day, how fantastic he thought he was...he bored everyone to death...so getting out to work does not necessarily encourage personal growth or stimulating conversation.

Catalina

Yah... I agree. I wouldn't get involved with someone who's goal was to be promoted to the drive-thru at McDonald's for the same reason. But I personally would go to waste if given freetime like that or allowed to dictate how I spent my day at home for weeks on end and years on end. Arguably, my dominant could come in very handy for dictating what I do with my time. But I tend to resent that - which would be a power exchange tha tmight be interesting to experiement with - but I think in the end, it would dissolve the relationship. And not because I would resent him so much as hate that I was unable to keep myself motivated day in day out to keep my mind and body in shape.

 

[NCShin]

Sorry but that may be some people but doesn't apply in this house. I have always, whether working or not, found plenty of ways to engage my brain through various means. Self education and personal growth are both areas I excel in and are committed to, and do not require one on one physical interaction with someone else to make happen. I read, I observe, I converse with onthers online, I think, I study, I create art, I write, and I meditate. I did however date a man once who worked (as I did), and all he could talk to anyone about was his work, what guage paper he printed, what ink setting he put the machine on, how many pages he printed, how many he would print the next day, how fantastic he thought he was...he bored everyone to death...so getting out to work does not necessarily encourage personal growth or stimulating conversation.

Catalina

I'm just saying that is how I picture it. (i've never been married, or had a stay at home gf) so this is just based off of speculation...

But as to your example. His printing press was my example's dust bunny.

I have had relationships where we talked and discussed everything. About local schools, to the drug problem around where we lived. From national news to local. Talked, discussed, debated.

Then I've been in other relationships where I FELT like I was boring. If I made a comment about something, there was no feedback, no insight, no different opinion to feed off of to encourage my own insights and opinions. Things have to go both ways, and that was my point.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Then I've been in other relationships where I FELT like I was boring. If I made a comment about something, there was no feedback, no insight, no different opinion to feed off of to encourage my own insights and opinions. Things have to go both ways, and that was my point.

Yes it does and is one of those areas that need careful exploration of before committing. Is not always easy to find that someone who engages their mind in a way which connects and bounces off your own, but worth the search. The happy medium seems to be some similarities peppered with areas where you don't think or feel the same...and an active mind and spirit.

Catalina