doms and their own anxieties

[princess4u]

a question for doms (and for subs who care to respond as well): do you feel anxious about being able to fulfill your sub's needs? while i consider my purpose in life is to serve my master, he also is attentive to my needs, specifically those of enabling me to become the best person i can be

please bear with me - i am having difficult in expressing the question here - is it possible for your sub to fulfill your needs, if her needs are not being met - considering that part of a master's needs is indeed completing his sub and raising her up

let's say that your subbie is the best in the world but that you feel you cannot give her a particular thing you think she needs (for example: you feel she has the need for physical contact on a regular and frequent basis but circumstances prevent you from being together more than once a month) and futhermore, she expresses to you that indeed she can deal with the separation - would you continue the relationship or would you possibly end it because you feel inadequate for her?

(i have taken the liberty of indicating a dom as male and a sub as female - i realize it's not always like that - just easier to express that way here)

 

[Bandit58]

a question for doms (and for subs who care to respond as well): do you feel anxious about being able to fulfill your sub's needs? while i consider my purpose in life is to serve my master, he also is attentive to my needs, specifically those of enabling me to become the best person i can be

please bear with me - i am having difficult in expressing the question here - is it possible for your sub to fulfill your needs, if her needs are not being met - considering that part of a master's needs is indeed completing his sub and raising her up

let's say that your subbie is the best in the world but that you feel you cannot give her a particular thing you think she needs (for example: you feel she has the need for physical contact on a regular and frequent basis but circumstances prevent you from being together more than once a month) and futhermore, she expresses to you that indeed she can deal with the separation - would you continue the relationship or would you possibly end it because you feel inadequate for her?

(i have taken the liberty of indicating a dom as male and a sub as female - i realize it's not always like that - just easier to express that way here)

Master is chronically ill and it is permanent (end stage kidney disease). He is sometimes not well enough to perform sexually - the desire is there but the ability is not. He is able to achieve erection but His energy levels are sometimes at rock bottom. He feels guilty about this, like He has misrepresented Himself to me......

At these times I am perfectly happy to service Him, with no thought to my own pleasure (I get my satisfaction from a blow job well done, and how pleased He is with how well I have learned to please Him). At times He will ask me to pleasure myself while He watches. There is lots of physical contact - touching, cuddling, kissing......reinforcing the bond between us.

All this I hope is a temporary thing. He was seriously ill with peritonitis in June and it has taken this long for Him to recover (there were complications and He needed to have surgery twice). We are hopeful that He will be able to continue my training very soon, especially as the weather is warming up nicely.....more nakedness for this subbie

 

[incubus'_sub]

Princess, I'm getting the feeling that this is a very personal question for you, so will answer accordingly. Forgive me if I've been mistaken.

First of all, yes of course Doms worry about fulfilling their partners when in a relationship. Being a Dom doesn't make anyone super human or somehow immune to everyday feelings & anxieties. A problem arises only when they expect too much from themselves & assume that they are letting us down in some way.

Circumstances will always dictate the ebb & flow of a relationship of any kind. things like work pressures, financial restraints, kids, illness, hormonal levels, distance etc etc. That is normal and we shouldn't expect more just because it's B&D. In our case we are both working very long hours, our hormone peaks don't always coincide and although we live together we don't actually get to spend much time together. Incubus has also expressed the concern that he's not able to offer his usual level of interest & that maybe I'm disappointed in some way. I'm not & to be honest I'm also too bloody tired to be very responsive at the moment.

Explain to your Dom that you don't expect superhuman effort, that you understand and that there will be times when you may not be up to scratch as a sub as well, for the same reasons.

The only other thing that did occur to me is probably not what you want to hear, but I will say it. Only you can tell if it has relevance to your situation. It is possible that your Dom is letting you down gently by blaming himself in an effort to end the relationship without causing you extra emotional pain.

I wish you well & hope it all works out for you.

 

[Scarlett_t2]

I have thought of this very subject alot....boy is with me but my girl lives across the country. It's hard enough to keep up with the two of them since they are as different as night and day...but her being so far away and our visits are few and far between it makes what we both want and need very frustrating at times. We have talked about her wants and mine...and we both have made this choice...and right now for us its the right one. I know the day may come when she will find another and maybe want to move on and I will have to accept that. It won't be easy and it's not something I like thinking about. But in my mind I rather have the time I have now...learn the things we all are learning, than to never have got to experince it at all. Having her in our lives, even long distance is better than not having her at all....it just makes things all the sweeter when we are together. And if the day comes she does find another I know that we will always be friends and care about one another and she will ALWAYS be a part of my life.....Always....and for that I am blessed.
Scarlett

 

[princess4u]

Princess, I'm getting the feeling that this is a very personal question for you, so will answer accordingly. Forgive me if I've been mistaken.

yes it is indeed personal to me and i appreciate your response - he does worry about letting me down, about not being there for me - and i think it is because he expects so much from himself - he has been very successful in every facet of his life and so his need to excell at mastering is inherent to him

it was over a particular matter recently and it was overwhelming to watch the pain in his face as he explained the situation to me - i assured him that i was fine and that we would work past this hurdle - we do communicate very well and read each other well even when things are not said - we agreed that if it becomes a problem for me that i will tell him - and i will - and i agree that it is a problem with him expecting too much from himself

as far as him letting me down gently - the thought crossed my mind and we talked about it - we have always been 100% honest with each other so there is no reason for me to believe it is the case

the sexual aspects of our relationship are second to affection and love - and i do know for certain that if he is ever completely convinced that he has failed me, he will end the relationship for my sake no matter what pain he would cause himself by doing it

anyway it just has been on my mind - kind of like a catch 22 - or having someone leave you because they love you too much - and having experienced that once before in my life, in all honesty it does concern me and i was curious about how others felt about that situation

thanks for sharing and i also wish you well

 

[princess4u]

Re: Re: doms and their own anxieties

Master is chronically ill and it is permanent (end stage kidney disease). He is sometimes not well enough to perform sexually - the desire is there but the ability is not. He is able to achieve erection but His energy levels are sometimes at rock bottom. He feels guilty about this, like He has misrepresented Himself to me......

thank you for sharing and i wish you the best - like you, i receive my pleasure from pleasing him (as i am sure is true with most subs)

 

[FungiUg]

a question for doms (and for subs who care to respond as well): do you feel anxious about being able to fulfill your sub's needs? while i consider my purpose in life is to serve my master, he also is attentive to my needs, specifically those of enabling me to become the best person i can be.

Anxious probably isn't the correct word for me. Yes, I do ensure that the submissive in a relationship with us is getting what she needs, and I have in the past ended such a relationship because she wasn't. (That sounds a bit more black and white than it really was... but that was the crux of it.)

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess what your Dominant needs to remember is he is human just like the rest of us. We all make mistakes, fall short of our targets from time to time, get weighed down by the pressures of everyday life, but hopefully it is the intention behind the act or moment which counts most. As Francisco tells me when I have similar feelings as a slave, he prefers me to try and fail than to not bother trying at all out of fear of failing. There are many in this world who try and determine how another feels in a particular situation, or what they want (my mother is famous for it) and act on it from their perceived perspective...unfortunately in so doing they are often denying the person they are trying to protect that which that person needs most and is happy with. I often think the solution is for that person to look more outside themselves and how they are feeling, and instead listen to the other who is part of that situation and really hear what it is they want or need. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[James G 5]

I have a great essay somewhere on a pehnomena called "Dom Drop"
That's where a dominant gets so wrapped up in living the role 24/7 he (or she, but I am not gonna type gender pronouns thru this whole post) stops allowing himself to be human and having days when he doesn't want to think about his subbies's needs, or not be in charge, or whatever else and just burns himself out

And yes, I know there're plenty of dominants and sbumissives both who say "It's about rhe Don's needs, not the subs" and I am not negating that

Just saying ANYONE in any situation can have times of feeling anxious or needing a break from the role they live every day

I'm not sure this makes ANY sense LOL

 

[princess4u]

There are many in this world who try and determine how another feels in a particular situation, or what they want (my mother is famous for it) and act on it from their perceived perspective...unfortunately in so doing they are often denying the person they are trying to protect that which that person needs most and is happy with. I often think the solution is for that person to look more outside themselves and how they are feeling, and instead listen to the other who is part of that situation and really hear what it is they want or need

this is precisely how i feel

 

[princess4u]

I have a great essay somewhere on a pehnomena called "Dom Drop"

i'd enjoy reading it if you ever come across it - thank you

 

[TigerClaw]

let's say that your subbie is the best in the world but that you feel you cannot give her a particular thing you think she needs (for example: you feel she has the need for physical contact on a regular and frequent basis but circumstances prevent you from being together more than once a month) and futhermore, she expresses to you that indeed she can deal with the separation - would you continue the relationship or would you possibly end it because you feel inadequate for her?

(i have taken the liberty of indicating a dom as male and a sub as female - i realize it's not always like that - just easier to express that way here)

Yes I would be fine with it because she expressed that it is ok. I would also take responsibility in making sure that whatever was interfering in us would be worked on. For example I had a good paying part time job. I thought it was getting in the way with more and more after hours work. Once I felt I could quite I did. She and Us was more important then the job. If it interferes with Us then it has got to go.

By taking care of an Us, any kids, responsibilities, family, friends should then all fall into place. If the couple is happy the interaction of the others will be a better quality, you will support each other and will affect the over all mood of everything you do.

 

[Arles]

We all suffer from performance anxiety occasionally. I don't feel like I need to do an Ed Koch and ask everyone I meet, "How'm I doing?" But a sober assessment of the relationship by both parties is necessary to make sure that the needs of each are being met. Just like your physical health, your relational health needs periodic check-ups.