Domme wife, sud hubbie

[excalibur1350]

I am a (wanna be) sub hubbie. I have fantasies of my wife taking charge, tying me down, forcing me to eat my cum, even give a blow job, using a strapon on me. Unfortuanately, she attended Catholic school and is very reserved. When I have brought up some of my fantasy's, she has just gotten disgusted and kinda ignored me for a couple of days. Outside of me being a lot more kinkier than her (I assume I am, because I've tried to get her to tell me her fantasy's, but she says she doesn't have any), in the rest of the married life, we are a great match. Are there any other couples that play this way, that could tell me how they got there? Give me ideas on how to approach my wife? Hell at this point I'd settle for some stories of how you do it, and then go take a long shower. I am new here, so I hope this doesn't violate any rules, or etiquette. Thank you.

 

[MissJW]

Are there any other couples that play this way, that could tell me how they got there?

Here's one! Or the other half of such couple. For us it was obvious from the start. Those traits are so deeply rooted that it must've been a part of what drew us together. He felt immediate need and want to submit to me, to serve me and make me the happiest girl on earth, whilst I had an incredibly strong need to take care of him, to guide him, hold him, control him. Two kinky minds had found each other and it took flight immediately.

We met in a vanilla setting (at his work) but our sex wasn't that vanilla even at the very beginning. When we were in bed for the first time I immediately had my hands on his dick, having total control over him entering me. I sort of lead the way throughout that night, though it was quite subtle of course. It was shy and awkward yes, but the undertone was evident.

After a few months I began opening up about my kinks and fetishes and things just progressed from there. We realised what we had (or were very close to having) was actually called something (D/s). Some forms of BDSM play were already part of my sexuality and he had a past of crossdressing and strong need for domestic servitude. After that night it was just a matter of endless, loving discussions and laying down some ground rules, as we decided we wanted to take it to different depths and explore the lifestyle too.

Give me ideas on how to approach my wife?

If your wife isn't into it, I'm sorry to say I don't think there's a way of turning her head. Of course love and lovemaking is a two-way street, so sure she should meet you half way, but then she shouldn't feel obliged to do anything that she isn't consenting to.

I've noticed that the need to dominate my husband (or any men I feel sexually attracted to) can sometimes be deeply baffling. For numerous times I've actually sat down to think that what I've just done (or want to do) is really, really cruel or bitchy, just plain nasty. And then I think how the hell can I get turned on by it? And how on earth does he get turned on by it? "What's wrong with us??". This is a man I love more than life and I want to hurt him! I drip honey when I make him cry in agony, feel the deepest contractions inside when I watch him squirm in pure bliss from me degrading him, seeing that beautiful Cheshire Cat grin of a happy man. It's as natural as the need to drink and sleep, yet it sometimes feels so... scary and even wrong.

In order to keep our relationship loving and safe despite all the kinky, violent aspects, I constantly need to question myself and my ways of dominance. And I can only imagine how all that could be too much for a woman who doesn't have that need built inside her. So all I can say is try to talk to her. Communication really is key.

Oh and make sure you understand the difference between being submissive or just being the bottom. It might be easier to get your lady to top you, but if she isn't dominant by nature then she simply isn't. But if you feel submissive, there's nothing stopping you acting that way. If you want to please her, do so and enjoy. But if you just want her to "beat the living shit out of you" in your own terms, then it's a whole different story.

Hell at this point I'd settle for some stories of how you do it, and then go take a long shower.

I've written quite a few posts on this board, feel free to look them up if you want.

Today me and the hubby have had out "traditional" Sadistic Sunday, which is a day filled with as much play time as possible. Last night I pegged him, today it's been less of sexual stimulation but more on the servitude and controlling side. He's been eating from the floor and I've supervised his toilet visits. He's given me oral sex twice, rubbed my back and masturbated for me for a while, of course licking pre-cum from his own fingers. I've used him as a stool while watching telly and he's been wearing his cute pink collar all day. I've also polished his nails, had him wear a plug and played with his foreskin throughout the day. It's been fun! He hasn't been allowed to cum of course and we'll see how it turns out in the end...

Hope this horribly long post made any sense! When will I learn to keep it short and simple.....??

 

[excalibur1350]

Thank you

Thank you very much for the reply, and yes I understand all of what you are saying. My wife has tried to be on the dominant side once or twice, but it was only to try and make me happy, so it was like " is this ok?, am I hurting you, how should I do this, her heart wasn't in it, and that takes all the fun out of it for me. I keep hoping that one day the switch will get flipped. Thank you for responding.

 

[subwannabe]

Well, at least she has tried, sort of. Have you mentioned to her that it disappoints you that she doesn't get into it more? Your situation sounds a lot like mine. One thing you have to realize is that some people just don't have it in their genes and never will. For some women it is all about love, romance, intimacy, and vanilla. I'm not against that but sometimes men just want to fuck and have wild kinky sex. I have always hoped that my wife's switch would be flipped but the light is operating with a 4 watt bulb. I just kept on believing that if she had the power to make me give her unlimited multiple orgasms without me even getting anything in return that her switch would eventually be flipped. Still waiting because it is ingrained in her that sex is a mutual thing between two loving couples and that one person shouldn't get off without the other also.

 

[excalibur1350]

subwannabe it seems we are in the same situation. I keep hoping that someone who was in my shoes will have found a way that worked, to have turned their wife onto being more dominant, but am starting to come to the conclusion that leopards don't change their spots, and she isn't ever gonna be interested in it. I would love to hear from any couples where the Missus is dominant, just to know that the dream is possible LOL.

 

[betabrad]

To me it seems very difficult to find a woman that likes a guy who's submissive, at least here in the south. I just tend to be naturally a little bit submissive. I'm not looking for a woman to treat me like a dog or anything cruel, but I would like to find a woman who just likes to take the lead and make the decisions .. and maybe a little cuckolding as long as I feel like she still cares for me. After all, I know that I'm not very good in bed and I would want my wife to be sexually satisfied, plus I have a few fantasies that are a little bit bi.

 

[Mommabird]

It'so easy...

If you want to be a submissive to a Vanilla woman, start acting submissive. Start being concerned about things that matter to her. Start cleaning the house. Start bringing her gifts. Start telling her she's beautiful, start the process your self! Once she feels safe and secure that you will love her and stand by her no matter what, then she might start being a bit dominant. Offer her power, offer her money, offer her the best of every thing above yourself and you will have a dominant woman I promise you!

Also remember that if she's dominant, she's going to do things her way, so if you're already submissive to her, not being dominant should be okay with you. I don't think you're really so submissive as you are wanting sexual play for your pleasure not hers. Most submissive's are so selfish they're not worth the time of day!

Maybe you are a good dude who wants some sexy play... Then that could be a problem...at least to get honest with yourself so you can figure out the solution.

I'm a dominant woman to my man, I'm dominant by nature about 75% of the time.

I hope I don't sound rude, or worse yet that I have posted to the wrong person, as I'm very new to this site. I only offer my input with respect and kindness. I hope you have a wonderful life, Lisa

 

[subwannabe]

I've never really understood why, if someone knows that they aren't good in bed, that they would just be ok with that and not want to improve, unless they just really don't care, in which case I don't even know why they would be on lit in the first place.

 

[twister947]

I'm going to put the shoe on the other foot, and perhaps lend some perspective. I am a submissive male; it is what and who I am, and the current runs swift and deep. I doubt very much if I could dominate a woman, no matter how much she wanted/needed it, or how much I wanted to please her and meet those needs. It simply is not in me. People are people, and women are no different in this regard. As the saying goes, you can wish in one hand...

 

[irishblade]

I'm going to put the shoe on the other foot, and perhaps lend some perspective. I am a submissive male; it is what and who I am, and the current runs swift and deep. I doubt very much if I could dominate a woman, no matter how much she wanted/needed it, or how much I wanted to please her and meet those needs. It simply is not in me. People are people, and women are no different in this regard. As the saying goes, you can wish in one hand...

This. Everything about being in charge is awkward and makes things stressful.

 

[MissJW]

I doubt very much if I could dominate a woman, no matter how much she wanted/needed it, or how much I wanted to please her and meet those needs. It simply is not in me.

Just out of interest, are you able to top a woman if she asks you to? My husband is very, very submissive and service-oriented and yet he is amazing at topping if the mood is right. He has to be very aroused and, ironically, in a very submissive mood for it, meaning that he is dying to please me any way he can.

As dominating and topping are essentially two different things, topping could still be something a submissive is able to do, if it's seen from a service point of view.

 

[irishblade]

Just out of interest, are you able to top a woman if she asks you to? My husband is very, very submissive and service-oriented and yet he is amazing at topping if the mood is right. He has to be very aroused and, ironically, in a very submissive mood for it, meaning that he is dying to please me any way he can.

As dominating and topping are essentially two different things, topping could still be something a submissive is able to do, if it's seen from a service point of view.

I'm terrible at it. Just the worst. And I've tried getting better at it but just can't do it confidently even though her pleasure is literally all I care about.

 

[twister947]

Just out of interest, are you able to top a woman if she asks you to? My husband is very, very submissive and service-oriented and yet he is amazing at topping if the mood is right. He has to be very aroused and, ironically, in a very submissive mood for it, meaning that he is dying to please me any way he can.

As dominating and topping are essentially two different things, topping could still be something a submissive is able to do, if it's seen from a service point of view.

It has never come up. I would give it my best shot, but am, at my core, a gentle spirit. That's a difficult obstacle to overcome.

 

[irishblade]

It has never come up. I would give it my best shot, but am, at my core, a gentle spirit. That's a difficult obstacle to overcome.

Me and you both brother.

 

[MissJW]

I'm terrible at it. Just the worst. And I've tried getting better at it but just can't do it confidently even though her pleasure is literally all I care about.

It has never come up. I would give it my best shot, but am, at my core, a gentle spirit. That's a difficult obstacle to overcome.

Oh you lovely boys! If you can't do it then you can't, undoubtedly you have tried your best or would try if necessary. Needless to say I adore and respect submissive men with everything in me, and I think I'm very lucky to share my life with one. As I said my husband is a skillful top, but it does exhaust him fast and he seems to be very needy of being "put in place" afterwards. He is also a gentle and kind spirit, yet very stubborn and I must say a bit bratty at times too. I guess that's what makes him able to top me if needed, though he could never act (or actually be) aggressive and overpowering. Which is good, as I couldn't stand that.

 

[irishblade]

Oh you lovely boys! If you can't do it then you can't, undoubtedly you have tried your best or would try if necessary. Needless to say I adore and respect submissive men with everything in me, and I think I'm very lucky to share my life with one. As I said my husband is a skillful top, but it does exhaust him fast and he seems to be very needy of being "put in place" afterwards. He is also a gentle and kind spirit, yet very stubborn and I must say a bit bratty at times too. I guess that's what makes him able to top me if needed, though he could never act (or actually be) aggressive and overpowering. Which is good, as I couldn't stand that.

Well I'm jealous of his top skills. The times I have been top, also don't last long either.

 

[YDB95]

Just out of interest, are you able to top a woman if she asks you to? My husband is very, very submissive and service-oriented and yet he is amazing at topping if the mood is right. He has to be very aroused and, ironically, in a very submissive mood for it, meaning that he is dying to please me any way he can.

As dominating and topping are essentially two different things, topping could still be something a submissive is able to do, if it's seen from a service point of view.

I'm also a male sub, and my answer is no. It just doesn't fit with me.

 

[irishblade]

I'm also a male sub, and my answer is no. It just doesn't fit with me.

I'm not a sub, in title anyway. I'm the dominant one....I'm just shitty at it because of my sub personality. If that makes sense.

 

[Erochic]

Well, at least she has tried, sort of. Have you mentioned to her that it disappoints you that she doesn't get into it more? Your situation sounds a lot like mine. One thing you have to realize is that some people just don't have it in their genes and never will. For some women it is all about love, romance, intimacy, and vanilla. I'm not against that but sometimes men just want to fuck and have wild kinky sex. I have always hoped that my wife's switch would be flipped but the light is operating with a 4 watt bulb. I just kept on believing that if she had the power to make me give her unlimited multiple orgasms without me even getting anything in return that her switch would eventually be flipped. Still waiting because it is ingrained in her that sex is a mutual thing between two loving couples and that one person shouldn't get off without the other also.

Hmmm.... I am naturally pretty dominant, BUT it took me quite a long time till I could get to the stage where I was comfortable dominating someone - especially someone I care about.
And actually I still have a fair amount of uncertainty, and I need lots of feedback that the guy really wants it and he is enjoying it. I'm learning now to demand that feedback as part of being dominant - but it's still the same feeling of "is this okay?" "Do you like it?"

For instance - I now love face sitting and will just jump on and take my pleasure, but it took me a long long time for me to get to that stage that it was okay to just demand it (and there's still an uncertainty inside when I do).

I had a partner who was really into it and it was his enthusiasm and eagerness to have me on his face, and his appreciation and constant feedback of how much he loved it and how arousing he found it that gave me the confidence to own it.

 

[KinkyGAGuy]

I was never comfortable in the submissive role. I searched and searched to find the right woman for me, finally found what I thought I had been searching for, confident , strong willed, beautiful and extremely kinky. Things went well early on, but I struggled with certain aspects, and as I struggled with letting go of the control, she began to struggle with maintaining control. It wasn't long and my dominant personality began to overtake the relationship. Which she had trouble with, we began a power struggle, and the hot sex declined.

I enjoy some of the kinky aspects in the sexual side of it, but have trouble with the non sexual things.

 

[twister947]

To the OP, being a sub means different things to different people, but here's my take...it is not about what you want. Your fantasies are just that, and are likely to go unrealized. Accept that. Being sub means you subordinate your wants/needs/wishes to hers. This is a choice you can make on your own, independent of your wife. When you do this, you have opened a door for her. Now get out of the way...don't beg, plead, or cajole. Just serve. Give her room to go through that door, and be the dominant partner. There are no guarantees: this may never happen. But it's a way forward grounded in realistic possibilities, not fantasies. There are no magic "switches" that will alter someone's personality type, but if you create a power vacuum, at least there is opportunity. It is a necessary first step.

It is late, and I have rambled; forgive me.
Dave

 

[Ms_McG]

There is a reason men that like that usually have to pay for that

 

[Erochic]

Okay... This thread has been annoying me, so I'm just going to come out and say it.

OP (and others) you are coming across as selfish.

It's all about what you want and how your wife cannot provide it rather than what SHE wants.

You don't want to be submissive and do what she wants, you want to explore kinks that she doesn't share.
That's fine and people work around that and come to compromises - but you need to acknowledge that and lower your expectations of how your fantasies "should" be and work with what you have.
Basically you want her to top you and to encourage your kinks, but it seems that when she has been prepared to try you've shot her down.

She's not fully into it? - no shit Sherlock.

It sounds like you've gotten all your ideas from porn - and that's based from a mans point of view, rather than a woman's.
All the things you've mentioned are about YOU - and unless someone shares your kink could easily gross someone out.

It's all very well to share fantasies but work up to it for gods sake and leave room for what she wants.

None of those things are the things that do it for me about being dominant, but I might be prepared to play with them if the mood was right.

Being dominant for me is more about the attention focused on me and my needs and wants and controlling that as I want.
Teasing a man until he can't remember his own name, making him control himself even though he's almost at his breaking point, and using him as I want to get the pleasure *I* want, how *I* want ... While he is aching with desire for me.

But most of all it's about that erotic energy and power .... And that intense focus and desire .... All focused on me.

I've realised that it's actually just the reverse side of the coin of the being swept off your feet fantasy .... And taps into the same desires. It's about passion and being desired.

I abhor passivity - can't stand it. For me there has to be a strong exchange of energy, and the responses of my partner are vital.

The switch may or not be switched with your wife, but it sure as hell won't be if you don't give her what SHE needs for it to happen.

It doesn't do it for you that she needs reassurance, FFS get over yourself. You should be thanking god and showering her with appreciation and feedback and attention for being prepared to accomodate you.