Domme & Loss of confidence

[MistressSatin]

Hmmm ... this is my first ever post in a Community like this, but I'm desperate for some help. I hope that I'm posting this in the right place ... if not please could some nice 'Admin' put it somewhere more appropriate?

I've started a new D/s relationship with a rather sweet and lovely sub male, and we are in the process of negotiating a long-term relationship. It's the first time I've been with a new sub for a long time.

After our first scene we did feedback to each other and, unfortunately I've taken some of the stuff said in a rather negative way and have begun to loose confidence in myself. I absolutely KNOW in my head that the comments weren't meant in a negative way and 99% of the session went well, but my heart/soul and confidence are shot to pieces.

I'm even thinking about giving up all forms of BDSM permanently ... which is a completely and utterly childish and ridiculous over-reaction.

We are due to have another scene soon, and I've started to think that I'm not 'good enough' etc. I'm close to cancelling and ending the whole relationship, which is very sad & would cause so much hurt to me and him.

I have told the sub about how I'm feeling, and he's upset and wants to help resolve the situation, but I just don't feel confident that I'm a Domme anymore (or should I say 'Domme enough for a new sub ...')

any idea's anyone? WTF is wrong with me?????

 

[Betticus]

Hey, everyone takes self confidence hits here and there. Why don't we start a discussion about how you felt in the past about domination and submission, your fav scenes and games and what has changed from the last time you felt really good in a d/s relationship to now.



And feel free to just tell aeroil to get on his goddamned knees and lick you off while you flog his back. Cuff his hands behind his back first so he can't try to steal cookies on the side!

 

[MistressSatin]

hhhmmmm ... well, perhaps my confidence hasn't completely gone, because the thought of someone on their knees, hands cuffed behind their back whilst I utilise my fave flogger *drool Can I use Ginger????

Thanks Betticus!!!!

OK ... the issue is obviously just with one particular sub ... Weirdness
Maybe I'm too involved emotionally this time? *grimace

And feel free to just tell aeroil to get on his goddamned knees and lick you off while you flog his back. Cuff his hands behind his back first so he can't try to steal cookies on the side!

 

[catalina_francisco]

It is difficult to answer without more idea of what has caused your loss of confidence, but might I offer the gem no-one is perfect and growth can only occur once we accept that as a fact of life and put all things in their correct perspective and move forward?

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_35ca304946_t.jpg Catalina

 

[Lydia_Trent]

have you used a checklist? I find this extrememly helpful and also talking about the scene and what you both expect before hand helps too, this doesnot say you use a script and always keep a few surprises there waiting or do it in a way that is unexpected. and yes attachment does get in the way as you want so bad to meet their needs, not only yours.

 

[Betticus]

hhhmmmm ... well, perhaps my confidence hasn't completely gone, because the thought of someone on their knees, hands cuffed behind their back whilst I utilise my fave flogger *drool Can I use Ginger????

Thanks Betticus!!!!

OK ... the issue is obviously just with one particular sub ... Weirdness
Maybe I'm too involved emotionally this time? *grimace

Hell yeah, aeroil loves ginger buttplugs!

Seriously though, it does kinda sound like the emotional bond is what is the problem. Not that emotional bonds are bad of course, they are the core of any relationship.

Just try to keep in mind that it is his emotional need to please you as his mistress and to serve you. It is your need to be in control and exercise your whims that you both need. Don't worry about failing or not getting it right, if you are running in the 90% or better bracket than I'd say you are waaaay ahead of the curve. Make him give you a nice pedicure and foot massage and you'll feel better.

 

[graceanne]

I'd say it's one of those cases of getting back on the horse when you fall off. If you let yourself be pysched out you may never get back your confidence. Go ahead and do the planned on scene, but go slowly. I bet once you get going you'll get back into your 'groove' so to speak. *hugs* Good luck.

 

[graceanne]

Oh, and the above advice? It doesn't go for snowy. STAY OFF OF HORSES SNOWY CIARA!

 

[Honey_B]

Mistress Satin, your problem calls to mind something I read in The Mistress Manual by Mistress Lorelei (Greenery Press). If you haven't read the book, I suggest you do. I found it very helpfu. The book as a section on bad reactions to scenes, both malesub and femdom. I'll quote you a bit:

Bad Reactions - His. A man who has always longed to surrender his will to a Dominant Woman may find himself facing various ambivalent emotions the day after he has actually done so. Perhaps the session was disappointing. Or he disappointed himself by being able to endure less pain than he thought he could. Or he thoroughly enjoyed it but now feels les than manly. Or the session brought up frightening memories or emotions that he must grapple with or try desperately to repress. (p. 36)

I found the book extremely helpful in understanding male submissives and in understanding the dominance in myself.

 

[Inconsequential]

Hmmm ... After our first scene we did feedback to each other and, unfortunately I've taken some of the stuff said in a rather negative way and have begun to loose confidence in myself. I absolutely KNOW in my head that the comments weren't meant in a negative way and 99% of the session went well, but my heart/soul and confidence are shot to pieces.
I'm even thinking about giving up all forms of BDSM permanently ... which is a completely and utterly childish and ridiculous over-reaction.
I've started to think that I'm not 'good enough' etc. I'm close to cancelling and ending the whole relationship, which is very sad & would cause so much hurt to me and him.
I have told the sub about how I'm feeling, and he's upset and wants to help resolve the situation, but I just don't feel confident that I'm a Domme anymore (or should I say 'Domme enough for a new sub ...')

any idea's anyone? WTF is wrong with me?????

Nothing is wrong with you!! It was your first, with a new sub, perhaps you need more of an emotional bond built up, or perhaps you need to open the doors of communication for a little longer.
There are always going to be some things that didn't feel quite right about a scene when you're with someone new. I have always felt it part of the excitement to discover what works with someone new. Part of finding out what works is finding out what doesn't. Don't take it personally, just find a new way to present things so that it is pleasurable for both.
You'll find this situation in introducing anal to a new sub, or a new harsher toy than they are used to. When a sub is used to a soft leather flogger and you take a cane for the first time, there are going to be some different comments. Don't think anything is wrong. Just use it to build up a more emotional bond thru the communication and try something different.
It's certainly no reason to give up the things that excite you permanently, it's just a stepping stone to a new person. Good luck

 

[Netzach]

Hmmm ... this is my first ever post in a Community like this, but I'm desperate for some help. I hope that I'm posting this in the right place ... if not please could some nice 'Admin' put it somewhere more appropriate?

I've started a new D/s relationship with a rather sweet and lovely sub male, and we are in the process of negotiating a long-term relationship. It's the first time I've been with a new sub for a long time.

After our first scene we did feedback to each other and, unfortunately I've taken some of the stuff said in a rather negative way and have begun to loose confidence in myself. I absolutely KNOW in my head that the comments weren't meant in a negative way and 99% of the session went well, but my heart/soul and confidence are shot to pieces.

I'm even thinking about giving up all forms of BDSM permanently ... which is a completely and utterly childish and ridiculous over-reaction.

We are due to have another scene soon, and I've started to think that I'm not 'good enough' etc. I'm close to cancelling and ending the whole relationship, which is very sad & would cause so much hurt to me and him.

I have told the sub about how I'm feeling, and he's upset and wants to help resolve the situation, but I just don't feel confident that I'm a Domme anymore (or should I say 'Domme enough for a new sub ...')

any idea's anyone? WTF is wrong with me?????

I usually combat this kind of thing by putting it back to the most basic of things, purely for your own gratification, without a lot of challenges or complexity. Make him make you feel good in your favorite fashion. You can probably both handle this. When I think I'm losing my grip with my husband I have him kiss my buttcheeks for about 10 minutes and I am reminded why I do all that I do.

 

[NemoAlia]

The flip side...

Last night, my Dom and I went to a play party where we scened and I had to "yellow." I always hate safewording -- makes me feel like a disappointment to us both -- but I know he was shaken by it too.

My pain tolerance was low because I wasn't aroused. (Usually I'm wet wet wet, but I don't know, I just wasn't into it last night.) So he felt bad both about getting me to the safewording stage without backing off, and about my not taking pleasure in our scene.

We had a sad little evening, trying to cheer each other up, but it was the morning-after sex that really did it for us. Seriously, getting back up on the horse is the best thing, in my opinion.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Well, I know that there are times when I feel My confidence waining, and have down cycles, which is something I chalk up to being human and not robo-Dom.

My best suggestion is to flog on...

 

[MistressSatin]

hey ... thank you lovely people! Your responses have helped immensely!

I think you all have such great points, and have given me some insight! This is a bit of long reply, but I wanted to address stuff individually! Huge thank you to all of you!

Catalina ... it's the putting things in perspective that I'm struggling with. Which is strange! but as you say, I do need to learn from this and move on!

Lydia - we are doing a check-list for the next session.

Betticus - I had lost track of the fact that he wants/needs to please me! It's a kind of fundamental thing, and I think I'd got too wrapped up in thinking that I had to make things perfect!

Graceanne - you are right ... I really do feel that if I don't get back on track that I'll never do it again. Am hoping that once we're together I'll get back into my 'groove' and *hugs* back to you!

Honey B - thank you for pointing me in the direction of the book! I've got a copy somewhere so will go find it. I also found a really good section in the New Topping Book with accurately described how I was feeling.

Inconsequential - I think that it has a lot to do with the 'newness' and the emotional side. Plus the nervous 'wanting things to be perfect' control freak side of me! I'm not going to give up (yet!).

Netzach ... I think I'll go 'back to basics' which will help me remember why I am in this situation!

Nemo-Alia - I know how it feels when things don't go as expected in a Scene. It's sad, but communication is the key. Looks like I'm going to be trying to get back on the 'horse'! (eeek!)

MasterPhoenix - I'm definately not robo-Dom! I'm going to try to keep flogging on!

What is really strange is that the whole 'flogging on' definately does it for me ... Until I think that it's ONE particular person that I'm going to flog! Then I get all nervous!
Methinks, that I 'care' too much about this particular one! So, I'm going for a 'back to basics' session and see how things go!

 

[Inconsequential]

I am glad that we were able to help. I hope you are able to incorporate and get back to basics and remember why you ~Love~ being a Domme. And you'll have to let U/us know how that the next session was better.
Good luck

 

[Amora]

What is really strange is that the whole 'flogging on' definately does it for me ... Until I think that it's ONE particular person that I'm going to flog! Then I get all nervous!
Methinks, that I 'care' too much about this particular one! So, I'm going for a 'back to basics' session and see how things go!

OK, I'm really new here but is it just possible that one reason for the issue is some natural deep instinct to actually want to be the one submitting to this person? I know very little and am learning but that nervousness is something I experience badly when hubby (who is more a 'switch' than me) suggests me topping him.

Just a random thought for ya. Good luck and I'm sure you can work through this.

Amora