Dominance ...

[Uke_Kitten]

Okay, so ...
I'm an eighteen year old female and I've been with the most delightful man for the better half of a year now. I've known him for 5 years and can honestly say that I've told him everything about myself, my quirks, idiosyncracies, fetishes, likes dislikes ... you name it.
Situation:
I love being dominated. I need to be controlled. If I'm not pleasing my partner, I'm probably not going to get off. I can't have an orgasm if my partner isn't being pleasured or isn't happy with the situation. I'm really good at picking up vibes, and anger scares me. I'm not so much into pain as I am the loss of control in the situation.
Problem:
My fiancee does not get it. He thinks I mean that I want him to spank me, choke me, hurt me ... that's not it. I just need to be controlled. I've tried to explain a million times, and god knows the boy's trying, but he has it stuck in his head that D/S is the same as S&M.
Question:
How do I explain to my Fiancee my desire for him to OWN me and to understand that I am HIS to use for his pleasure and happiness? He's already agreed to try . . . even admits he enjoys the idea.

In need of assistance,

Uke Kitten

 

[SweetErika]

Eighteen?

Better half of a year now?

Fiance?

I'm sorry, but why would you agree to marry/spend your entire life with someone who:
a) you've been dating less than a year;
b) doesn't fulfill a very critical need for you?

You can't make him be dominant if he's not, or make him understand D/s if he just doesn't get it. Sure, you can ask him to educate himself, but it just might not be there for him. Or, maybe it's not there to the level you want and need to be happy for the rest of your life.

If it's not there, is he okay with you seeking a Dom outside the relationship? Are you okay with doing so, and never orgasming with your husband?

These are the type of tough questions you should be asking yourself and each other. But you can't expect him to morph into what you want, just because you get married and/or wish him to. Again, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you're making a colossal mistake by considering marriage at this point. Give yourself years of life and D/s experience and get to know him for who he truly is (that doesn't happen in less than a year), before deciding what you want for the rest of your life.

 

[Uke_Kitten]

mmkay ... really quickly:
I've known him for five years.
I'm not inexperienced by any means ... sorry.
Don't want him to change, it's something he wants to try too. If he hates it, I can accept his decision without qualm. I still view him as my superior, have for five years and I've always been able to accept his decisions. All I want is for him to better understand what being my dominant means, and I'm not sure how to explain it to him. I am ungodly shy sometimes.

You may be as blut as you like, I've heard that argument before. But really, you say I need to give myself years of life experience, but I've been through more than most people experience in their entire existance. I've been raped, beaten, stalked, harassed, my parents hate eachother yet refuse to divorce, I've been cheated on, I've played dominant, submissive, sadist, masochist, I went through a stage where I felt I had to sleep with the man I was with because I wasn't worth anything else. My fiancee was there for me through all of this, got me out of most of it. The debate here is not wether or not I'm too young to be married. But thank you ... I suppose that some background needed to be added....

 

[VoyageToBeyond]

A challenging situation! You definately have a few life-shaping experiences to deal with. Given what you have been through, and the fact that he has been there for you through out, my assumption is he sees himself more as your savior, he is there to protect you. For him to switch to a dominant/controlling role won't be easy for him, it goes against what he has been to you all along.

Given your commitment to him and his desire to explore this relationship with you certainly is very meaningful. It seems you have something special going on.

Perhaps develop several different roleplaying scenerios to experiment with. write out a few characters, or find several stories on here that are about the type of relationship/control you desire/need. Short term excursions into the role of controller might help him see what it is all about and hopefully he can find the strength to bring such a position into your everyday lives.

To add to it, have him write a story or some ideas of what he thinks it is you are desiring then work with him on how he perceives it.

another, is constantly put yourself into the subordinate position. If you don't already, constantly ask his permission anytime you want to do something. constnatly ask what he wants you to do. Put him in that position of control.

good luck, have fun - be safe!

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

Well, there are a variety of comments I could make on you getting married at 18 and how that might effect the relationship, but that is your perogative. As to what I would suggest for your problem, you could try finding somestories on Lit that reflect what you are looking for in your relationship, or even write them yourself, then have him read them so that he better understands what it is that you desire. Sometimes example is the best way to make people understand.

 

[SweetErika]

mmkay ... really quickly:
I've known him for five years.
I'm not inexperienced by any means ... sorry.
Don't want him to change, it's something he wants to try too. If he hates it, I can accept his decision without qualm. I still view him as my superior, have for five years and I've always been able to accept his decisions. All I want is for him to better understand what being my dominant means, and I'm not sure how to explain it to him. I am ungodly shy sometimes.

You may be as blut as you like, I've heard that argument before. But really, you say I need to give myself years of life experience, but I've been through more than most people experience in their entire existance. I've been raped, beaten, stalked, harassed, my parents hate eachother yet refuse to divorce, I've been cheated on, I've played dominant, submissive, sadist, masochist, I went through a stage where I felt I had to sleep with the man I was with because I wasn't worth anything else. My fiancee was there for me through all of this, got me out of most of it. The debate here is not wether or not I'm too young to be married. But thank you ... I suppose that some background needed to be added....

We change a lot in our teens and twenties. I bet you're very different now from how you were at 13. Expect to do some serious evolving between now and even 23 and 25-30. There are very good reasons why so many more young marriages end in divorce. Even if you're sure yours won't, I hope you'll look at this relationship over a period of years and give yourself options before tying the knot.

That was my point, not that you haven't been through anything in your eighteen years.

And, with all due respect, it does relate to the topic of this thread.

Has your bf read about D/s? There are a variety of great books and articles/essays out there; perhaps you could ask him if you could find some of them for you both to read and discuss. Has he talked to people in solid D/s relationships? Maybe you two can seek out the perspectives of others in the community, and something they say will click for him.

Have you asked him if it's alright for you to act out what feels natural to you as a submissive in everyday life? I don't know what you're into specifically, but that might include sitting at his feet, asking him to pet you, getting him things, asking him to tell you what he wants, etc.

 

[SexualDreamer]

Learning

When I was learning about BDSM someone told me of a site that is very good at telling what a dom is and what a sub is. I will pass this site on to you. It is www.castlerealm.com This is a D/s resource center. It tells what it means to be a dom and what it means to be a submissive. The original was done by a dom who lost his submissive due to an illness. They were very close and in the beginning they had written the site together. However over the past few years so many have been interested in the D/s that they have changed some of the stuff up so that everyone (I hope) can understand.

I suggest you AND your b/f go to that site. You both read the Dom and the sub side. Talk about what you want. If he refuses to do this and it is really what you would like to do. Then perhaps you need to find someone else. I do agree that you are very young, *smiles* But I remember being young and we each have to make our own decisions. It is your choice but my advice is to find someone else.

I also agree with finding stories that show what you would like to have done to you after you go to the castle realm. They too can help if he is interested.

SD

 

[SweetErika]

When I was learning about BDSM someone told me of a site that is very good at telling what a dom is and what a sub is. I will pass this site on to you. It is www.castlerealm.com This is a D/s resource center. It tells what it means to be a dom and what it means to be a submissive. The original was done by a dom who lost his submissive due to an illness. They were very close and in the beginning they had written the site together. However over the past few years so many have been interested in the D/s that they have changed some of the stuff up so that everyone (I hope) can understand.

I suggest you AND your b/f go to that site. You both read the Dom and the sub side. Talk about what you want. If he refuses to do this and it is really what you would like to do. Then perhaps you need to find someone else. I do agree that you are very young, *smiles* But I remember being young and we each have to make our own decisions. It is your choice but my advice is to find someone else.

I also agree with finding stories that show what you would like to have done to you after you go to the castle realm. They too can help if he is interested.

SD

Castle Realm has been down for quite sometime now, it seems. There's no way to enter it.

No matter, though. There are far better resources out there that give much more comprehensive, realistic perspectives. CR had some good stuff, but much of it was pretty one-sided and fantasy-based.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html and http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdlinks.html
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/
http://www.domsub.info/

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Here's an additional thought. I've found some immensely helpful people and threads over in the actual BDSM area. Besides taking your question there, you might also just wander around in the threads there and find some scenarios and discussions that you could ask him to read, things that illustrate the sort of ideas you're headed for. You and he can learn the lingo and the choices together, and just go play with some new ideas.

They're really helpful over there, and while you may get similar lectures about age and suchlike, for the most part I think the focus will be on your actual search for information. I think all it's really going to take is for both of you to develop a vocabulary with which to communicate these concepts, and some ideas you'd like to try, and that board is a fine place for both.

good luck,

bijou

 

[CutieMouse]

Biju's right - there are a lot of very knowledgeable people over in BDSM Talk/Cafe. You and he both might benefit from the community over there. (My blog link at the bottom of my posts has a pretty decent BDSM reading list, as well.)

All I want is for him to better understand what being my dominant means, and I'm not sure how to explain it to him. I am ungodly shy sometimes.

If you can't even effectively communicate your views of submission to the man you love/trust/feel is superior to you/want to marry, you aren't ready to have a D/s relationship with him.

Communicationcommunicationcommunication.

My fiancee does not get it. He thinks I mean that I want him to spank me, choke me, hurt me ... that's not it. I just need to be controlled. I've tried to explain a million times, and god knows the boy's trying, but he has it stuck in his head that D/S is the same as S&M.

Question:
How do I explain to my Fiancee my desire for him to OWN me and to understand that I am HIS to use for his pleasure and happiness? He's already agreed to try . . . even admits he enjoys the idea.

And what if his pleasure and happiness is that you get spanked, choked and hurt?