Dominance Issues?

[PrettyProse]

I'm not exactly sure how to go about this...I don't even know if I'm asking for advice. Perhaps just personal stories? I'm with my husband again after we were separated for awhile. We both explored different...avenues while we were apart. My curiosities with bondage and masochism turned into a love for it. My husband also experimented with both being dominant and being submissive. He says he really liked both. But he's reluctant to be dominant with me.

Our sex is amazing, but the few times he takes control and does what he wants with me, I'm in complete bliss. I crave it. But he says it feels different with me than with the other women, that he's afraid to hurt me. When I say that, well, that's kind of the point, I like it, he says that it is really hard for him. So I don't press him because I want him to enjoy himself. But that's what I'm concerned about. He doesn't seem to enjoy himself unless he's free to do what he wants, yet he tells me he respects me too much and loves me too much to treat me like I want to be treated. He says when he comes back from Basic training and AIT, he'll be better and he'll want to be aggressive, but I'm not so sure. I don't know why he's so afraid to hurt me when I've told him I like the pain, but I think he's more worried about when he loses control. It's only happened one time and he was just a little rougher with anal than I was prepared for but I still enjoyed myself and he did as well. He felt guilty afterwards, though. Whenever we're being rough with each other, we always have a safe word. (I'm a bit of a switch, mostly submissive.)

I guess what I'm wondering is: how can I reassure him that I trust him enough for him to lose himself in his passion? He's told me that he doesn't enjoy sex as much as most guys, that it seems more like a chore and he does it for my enjoyment. But I really want him to enjoy himself. I want us both to just abandon whatever inhibitions we have and ravage each other. But he's afraid to... Hm. And he doesn't much like getting drunk. Even though when he is, his animal side comes out to play. I'm a bit afraid he'll get bored of me if all he does is try to please me. And I'm afraid of growing bored of him if I can't please him. I want us both to enjoy the experience mutually. Without regrets afterwards...

Thanks for reading. Sorry if that's confusing... Damn.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Let's talk about the concept of Service Topping. He can imagine that you are his Mistress, and you have instructed him to take the reins in order to make you happy-- and you expect him to do his utmost for your pleasure, no goddamned holding back. That way he gets to be dominant as a submissive!

If he's going through Basic Training right now, I can see that would be a problem.The whole object of BT is to take those same hierarchical impulses and train them into something that his superiors can count on. He's being trained to follow orders under very tightly defined conditions.

In fact, that's where much of our current BDSM practice came from-- men, who came back from WWII and needed to keep that sense of hierarchy in their lives.

If he says he's afraid to play drunk? Please respect that. He's truly saying it for your safety. I would suggest pot instead but I'm sure he can't smoke, right-- pee tests?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Other folks here will probably have better advice than I do, but you're going to get mine anyways

It sounds to me like it's less a problem of "I don't want to hurt you" and more a problem of "I don't want to lose control of my aggression and hurt you more than intended". This falls in line with his dislike of being drunk and I think it makes a certain amount of sense with him being in military training. My boyfriend and I have the same issue where he doesn't want to get too aggressive, and it's more an issue of him trusting HIMSELF, rather than you or your relationship.

IMO, I'd say wait and see. Assuming you two have been appropriately communicating (it appears to me like at least the initial steps of communication about this issue have been taken), then it well could be things improve after his training like he says they should If they don't, then readdress the issue.


Also, I know it's frustrating for you, but I think it's a good sign that he doesn't want to push your play too hard when he doesn't feel like he can handle it. I know that's no fun and isn't near as satisfying (particularly he's not enjoying it), but it's better than the alternative. It demonstrates to me that he's THINKING about it and not going to drive you to an unsafe point. It's easy to say "oh that would never happen", but from what I've seen happen around here, it can and likely will if people have the wrong attitude.

For now, I think you should be patient and thankful that you have a husband who's not going to put you in a precarious position without trusting himself to get you out of it


Of course, the other alternative is that training just has him physically/psychologically tired and he's not capable of doing what you want right now. If this is the case, patience is also your friend

EDIT: Stella brings up a good point too. and she is one of those "wiser people" i talked about!

 

[PrettyProse]

Thank you both. I agree that he's trying to make sure he doesn't hurt me too much. It is a wait and see type of thing, I think. He's almost about to go into Basic and everything else. I'm not looking forward to him being gone, either. We do communicate well. I make sure to let him know that I know he's got my best interests at heart and I do appreciate it very much. I feel safe knowing that he won't ever do anything to hurt me. Oh, and just to clear something up, he wasn't overly aggressive when he was drunk, he just surprised me with anal and I usually have to prepare myself for that. Lol. Haha.

 

[Kurokami]

Yeah, I think Stella's got the right idea, but let me add in a bit of the flipside here: I completely empathize with your husband, OP. In fact, I felt much the same when I met my wife; I was completely terrified of losing control, or even just getting a little too enthusiastic, and seriously hurting her. Of course, at the time I was also just learning to express my dominant urges at all, and they had caused me a great deal of doubt and pain in the past ("What's wrong with me? What if I'm just a rapist waiting to happen? How can I like this?") and to this day I still have those doubts, to a lesser extent.

If your husband says he's afraid of hurting you, then please don't push him to do so, at least, not all at once. He's expressing his concern out of love, but let me tell you, there might be just a little bit of self-doubt in there too. What if he does hurt you in a bad way? Worse still, what if he likes that too? What if he loses you because of it? And also, just speaking logically... a man hurting a woman like that is never a good look, legally speaking. Even if it was just a sex game gone wrong. People are bound to get ideas.

Of course, that's just me speaking from the heart about the worst case scenario! Everything worked out perfectly fine with me, so there's no reason it can't with you, either! Just take it slow, is my advice. Service topping is a fine idea, but if he's just gotta get into that completely dominant headpsace, or whatever, then take it nice and slow, introduce him to it in steps. If you have to delay that wonderful, blissy just-fucked feeling, then it's a small price to pay for what'll come down the line. Hell, if you have to, do what my wife did and make damn sure he sees, hears, and feels every positive reaction you have to what he does to you. Nothing like a little positive reinforcement

 

[GravPro]

Ah yes, good old Dom guilt. Being a good person who does terrible things with love is a taxing position to be in. Your husband sounds like a caring, responsible person in need of some training in the finer points of applying pain. I'm sure he'll make progress if he's encouraged and exposed to the right people.

Personally, I'm more afraid of damaging my partner (physically or otherwise) as opposed to causing her pain. Pain is usually the name of the game, and part of being a responsible dominant is knowing how to inflict that pain without causing any major damage (physical, emotional, psychological, etc.) It's a bit Buddhist, really; pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

I suppose you could try punishing yourself in front of him sometime to let him know how hard you like it.

Good luck!