dominance and the emotions

[katsdom]

I'm a dom who discovered my dominance desires rather late - past 40. I am involved now in a very intense relationship with a wonderful woman who is very strong and capable in her every day life and very submissive with me. I spent the first 40+ years of my life thinking that women wanted kindness and gentleness all the time and when I finally discovered that was not always the case it opened up a whole new world for me.
We do quite heavy play - at least it seems so to me - and she is often left pretty well bruised and sore afterwards.
The issue I would love feedback on is this: I love her enormously, feel a great desire to care for and protect her, while simulaneously feeling very intense dominant/sadistic desires. My lovely sub seems to have an amazingly high tolerance for, even enjoyment of, painful stimuli. This incites me to hit harder, demand more etc. I find that I want to do things to her that push her limits - but her tolerance when highly aroused is so extreme that it gets scary and even dangerous to go there.
So I have this jumble of emotions: The desires I have conflict with the image I have always had of myself as a gentle man who cares for and protects women. I genuinely want to love and protect her, but also feel intense eroticism in doing things that hurt her quite a lot. She is happy to be hurt, even glories in it and asks for it, but doing it arouses such a mixture of feelings in me.
What we do is producing the most intense sexual experiences of my life, and we are totally consensual and pretty careful. I certainly don't feel guilt as such for what we do. But I do find the mix of feelings and emotions disturbing at times.
I'm not asking for how-to advice, but rather for discussion of the emotional aspects of dominance - how other doms/dommes feel about it, how subs feel about it, etc. So - the floor is open.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm submissive through and through, so can't speak from the Dominant side, but here's my blurb for what it's worth .

When I first became Sir's sub, 6 years ago now, I felt confused because I was really enjoying all this kinky stuff like being spanked and tied and called a slut. I have had a sheltered upbringing and was married for 23 years to my first sexual partner so hadn't had any experience of anything other than straight missionary sex until I was in my early 40s.

When I told Sir (who was an experienced Dom who had had quite a few subs but none 24/7 until me) He explained it thus. "It's how you are wired. There's nothing strange or weird about it. We are both enjoying what we do and that's all that matters." We've also been to a couple of play parties and seen some of the more extreme types of play and now I don't feel as weird as I used to

I find that I want to do things to her that push her limits - but her tolerance when highly aroused is so extreme that it gets scary and even dangerous to go there.

<snip>

The desires I have conflict with the image I have always had of myself as a gentle man who cares for and protects women. I genuinely want to love and protect her, but also feel intense eroticism in doing things that hurt her quite a lot. She is happy to be hurt, even glories in it and asks for it, but doing it arouses such a mixture of feelings in me.

Sir also is a caring and protective man. But He loves to spank and crop me until I have marks. However He also has limits on how far He will go - there will be no whipping to the point of bloodflow for example.

I have that extreme tolerance for pain now and then. At one of those play parties another Dom (with Sir's permission) caned me so hard I was black and blue for a week. I just floated off into subspace
As the Dominant YOU have to take responsibility for the care of your sub. YOU need to back off if she's so out of it she can't or won't use her safe word (assuming she has one).

 

[Netzach]

I've played a lot of ways, hard and less hard, with a lot of people. I've had fiscal, peer, and self-imposed pressure to play harder, edgier, etc.

Guess what - you're allowed to have limits. You're allowed to try something and say to yourself "that wasn't so hot for me as it was for you, and I don't intend to do it" if you don't like it.

That little saw goes both ways, the limits thing.

 

[katsdom]

Bandit, I appreciate your thoughts from the Sub angle. I'm interested in a discussion that digs deep here into the relationship aspect of all this. Limits I get very well. We have a lot of discussion about what is too much. And I feel intensely my responsibility as a Dom. And realize that the responsibility cuts both ways: that it's my responsibility to keep her safe, but also my responsibility to not short change her by shying away from what she wants/needs just because it makes me a bet nervous.
I'm expecially interested in the area I mention originally - the seeming conflict, perhaps not real conflict - between deeply internalized caring and kindness and the desire to cause pain and demand submission.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm expecially interested in the area I mention originally - the seeming conflict, perhaps not real conflict - between deeply internalized caring and kindness and the desire to cause pain and demand submission.

I really don't see a conflict here per se. You care for her. She needs to experience pain and submit to you. Ergo if you give her what she wants/needs, and get your wants/needs fulfilled in return, then everyone should be happy

Sir and I love each other deeply. He has no need to demand my submission, that is freely given. He cares for and about me, and yet He has this need to spank my arse and make me yelp in pain. Afterwards there is lots of cuddling, kissing and loving touch. But we both will be getting fulfillment out of it. And that is the key to it, I feel

 

[Adakgirl]

I love her enormously, feel a great desire to care for and protect her, while simulaneously feeling very intense dominant/sadistic desires.

So I have this jumble of emotions: The desires I have conflict with the image I have always had of myself as a gentle man who cares for and protects women. I genuinely want to love and protect her, but also feel intense eroticism in doing things that hurt her quite a lot.

I am speaking from no face to face life experience here...I have this to say. Many Dominants...even very sadistic Dominants...those who are in serious D/s relationships and those who are not....tend to be very caring, loving, protective people. Being a Dominant does not erase, eliminate or nullify your kind, caring, protective personality. You do not have to conflict these desires. There is no reason whatsoever that you have to give up protecting, loving, caring feelings for your submissive, just because you are Dominating her.

You can do both it's really ok...and it is your responsibility as a Dominant to protect her, care for her, keep her from harm. Because gentleness is something within your soul and it's alright to do "bad" things to her, physically, inflict pain upon her...for the simple reason that you love her and care for her ENOUGH to provide that for her..to give her what she needs.

You can think of yourself in a different way, but you are still the man you have always been. Only now you are feeling the exchange of the exquisite power that you both desire to share with each other. Power is scary.... you betcha, but don't allow your lifetime, perceived, (pre-concieved?)
mental self-image to mess it up.

 

[Adakgirl]

and...you ARE protecting her...if she didn't have you who knows what kind of man she might find or end up submitting to, who DON't care at all? There are so many men.. who are domineering abusers, who take their hate, their dissatisfaction with themselves and with life in general..out... on submissive women. It's wonderful that you have found each other...and you both have what each other wants and needs.



expressions I have heard submissives use for their sadistic Dominants
"Big Teddy bear of a man"
" warm and cuddly"
"Is attentive, caring and concerned with me"
"understands what I need"
"the only person who makes me feel safe, who I know will protect me no matter what"
"The only one who loves me enough to inflict the kind of pain..I need so bad"

I could go on and on.....

 

[katsdom]

Adakgirl: thank you for your thoughts. I absolutely know all those things at an intellectual level, but I think my motivation for starting this discussion is the difficulty of believing them at a more visceral level. Which may just take more time, even though this relationship is not brand new and I had a previous D/s relationship some time back.
There are times when I can put this perceived conflict totally behind me, and other times when it sort of rises to the surface again. I'm sure that part of it is having spent a very long time being steeped in the conventional societal sexual mores about such things.
And - this is a new thought for me - it may be that another part of it is that I introduced my sweet sub to this whole way of being. We began as vanilla lovers, then grew together in this way of loving. She had never been conscious of such a need before, though she sees the very nature of hetero sex - the penetration of the woman by the man - as having an inherently D/s flavor to it. For her, the trust and love that she needs to accept penetration and the trust and love she needs to accept flogging are just different points on the same continuum. (Kat: I hope I'm rendering your feelings accurately there?) I would love to hear more from Doms on this, though I very much appreciate the thoughts of the subs who have contributed.

 

[Netzach]

I would love to hear more from Doms on this, though I very much appreciate the thoughts of the subs who have contributed.

You did. I find myself having more conversations that go the same with newbie F and M doms alike.

What do you like? You got her into this for a reason, and I'm hoping this has to do with your own fantasies and pleasure. Roll on back to that moment and re-identify it.

You waved off the notion that you may be encountering your limits, with the notion that you shouldn't worry about your discomfort if it gets in the way of her pleasure/development. You seem to have good notions about what her limits are but you don't feel the need to respect your OWN discomfort levels. I'm not sure that as Dominants it's always our job to put aside our conditioning for the greater good of getting our partner's rocks off better. Who are you?

If you weren't with her, if you are just sitting around jacking off, what's happening in YOUR mind, in YOUR ideal scene?

I reiterate that you may want to do some thinking about what's good for YOU and what works for YOU without provoking ANY discomfort and your own pleasure.

A lot of Dominants lose touch with this in the effort to be the good guy or nice girl. And by good guy or nice girl I mean the one that beats 'em black and blue if that's what they like, even if it skeeves us out for a day or two - you know? I don't think that's a good place to live in.