Dom/sub without dependence

[Farawyn]

I appreciate that. I have to say that it is frustrating for me to deal with women who claim that they wank equality in the world, but really really really don't.



She does understand it. Also, I haven't told you all why I am careful about finances, but let me just say that I have financial obligations to take care of other people. This requires me to not take on additional dependents. I simply cannot afford it. She understands it. From the responses here, I can see that it IS possible to have a D/S relationship between independent adults.


I wish that she would engage a community like this one. I can mention it to her, but I know that she just gets bored quickly with things like this. Case in point, she didn't engage with FetLife for more than one day. (She wants me to arrange for us to have public sex in some upcoming kink events through FL, but again I am doing the legwork to make that happen....)

I hope she does join here. Really.
Meanwhile, I'm glad you are taking our words and really not whining about it.

You do sound like you have a chip on your shoulder.
Especially your comment about wanting equality in the work world, and that we "really" don't. That is way off base, and you need to look at that.
Or work with more women.

 

[hooterbif]

If it makes you feel any better, hooterbif, the frustration you feel, as annoying and, well, frustrating as it is, probably pales in comparison to the frustrations women have felt and still feel in trying to achieve equality in the world. So at least you've got that.

Maybe that is true, but I've met quite a few these days who much prefer the old way (50's housewife). Maybe I live in the wrong town!

 

[hooterbif]

Or work with more women.

Not only have I worked with many women, I have personally hired over 30 in the last 10 years.

Some wanted equality; however, many told me directly that they did not see their job/career as their focus and they wanted to work as little as possible (part time) while relying on their husbands/boyfriends to provide for them. I supported them by trying to craft positions appropriate for their interests. In the end, most left the field.

 

[Setanta84]

Not only have I worked with many women, I have personally hired over 30 in the last 10 years.

Some wanted equality; however, many told me directly that they did not see their job/career as their focus and they wanted to work as little as possible (part time) while relying on their husbands/boyfriends to provide for them. I supported them by trying to craft positions appropriate for their interests. In the end, most left the field.

Honestly, this makes it sound like you're a horrible manager on top of everything else. When you treat employees well, regardless of their identity details, they will stay. Most women you work with choosing to move on and the way you described them and their decision to do that makes it sound like you offer a particularly harrowing employment experience.

 

[Farawyn]

Honestly, this makes it sound like you're a horrible manager on top of everything else. When you treat employees well, regardless of their identity details, they will stay. Most women you work with choosing to move on and the way you described them and their decision to do that makes it sound like you offer a particularly harrowing employment experience.

Hahahah. I'm sorry I'm laughing, but I'm going to again say, yes, this!!!

 

[cookiecat]

I am in a D/S relationship as the D. My S would love it to be 24/7.

I do not want a financial/legal dependent. That is, I think that it is reasonable for a child to be a financial/legal dependent of mine, but not an adult. At least, I don't want that in a romantic relationship partner.

Is it possible to have a real 24/7 D/S relationship while expecting both people to pay for themselves, make their own career decisions, open their own car doors, pay for half of dinner dates, etc.?

I can only go by the questions you ask. I made some assumptions based on my experience rather than asking you more questions about yours. Sorry about that.

I'll go back to my original comment that it's whatever you guys make it.

It's great you're here trying to sort things out. I'm not quite sure you have a D/s relationship, though. You say:

She does not cater to my whims. I cater to her whims. By your logic, she should pay me. She is the one who desperately wants me to tell her what to wear when I get home from work. She wants me to tell her what drink to make. She is the one who wants me to hogtie her on the kitchen island for eight hours while I watch her on video from work.

I would say that 90% of the time, I don't even have enough time/energy to comply with her wishes. That makes her sad.

Hahaha, that's funny. She desperately wants MORE spanking than I give her. She wants more submission. If one of us is getting more than the other, it is her.

Not only does she want to be with other girls, but she wants me to do all the leg work to find the other girls. Yep, I spend time doing that. If she doesn't want me touching the other girl, that is fine by me. However, she often simply demands me to fuck the other girl.

Telling her what to wear? Wow. I spend considerable time trying to respond to her requests to tell her what to wear. Honestly, I can't even keep track of all the outfits she has and the lingerie she has.

This is meant to indicate that she is used to getting what she wants.

As for "bragging," believe me, she is not waiting on me hand and foot because of who I am. She is waiting on me hand and foot because of who she is. She craves it.

Ummm - in all your posts above, you don't sound Dominant. She's dominant. She gets what she wants, she tells you what to do, she gets very very very sad when she doesn't get she wants, she isn't waiting on you hand and foot - it's her version of what that should look like... you said you could care less if she cooks, it's exhausting to pick out her outfits, yada yada.

Strictly in terms of submission, it doesn't sound like she's taking your pleasure in to consideration. You've explained you both love each other, you're committed, you have great sex. So I'm trying to keep my observation solely based on my experience of D/s. Her needs come first and you're catering to that. That's awesome. But it isn't D/s. It's just (in my opinion) kinky stuff.

It sounds like you guys are having fun working out some interesting kinky stuff. More power to you.

So back to your question: The answer is yes, you can have a real 24/7 D/s relationship with both people paying for themselves, making their own career decisions, opening their own car doors and paying for half of dinner dates, etc.

 

[hooterbif]

Ummm - in all your posts above, you don't sound Dominant. She's dominant. She gets what she wants, she tells you what to do, she gets very very very sad when she doesn't get she wants, she isn't waiting on you hand and foot - it's her version of what that should look like... you said you could care less if she cooks, it's exhausting to pick out her outfits, yada yada.

This just doesn't sound like my experience of submission. It sounds like you guys are having fun working out some interesting kinky stuff.

So back to your question: The answer is yes, you can have a real 24/7 D/s relationship with both people paying for themselves, making their own career decisions, opening their own car doors and paying for half of dinner dates, etc.

Thank you for this. I appreciate your comments. I do not want to insult you, or anyone here. You are taking time to respond to me, and I am learning.

After everything I have read on this thread, I can see that a D/S relationship does NOT have to mean that the sub is a financial dependent of the dom.

 

[cookiecat]

Thank you for this. I appreciate your comments. I do not want to insult you, or anyone here. You are taking time to respond to me, and I am learning.

After everything I have read on this thread, I can see that a D/S relationship does NOT have to mean that the sub is a financial dependent of the dom.

For the win. Awesome we got your question answered in the most round-about way. Guess that's kind of how Lit works.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I think I read in another post that she is the one wanting you to Dom her, and that it really isn't what you desire... but that you do these things to please her.

I will also say that it does not seem that your needs are being met by her, and I'm not talking about fixing your meals or pouring you a drink. I wonder why she is still in this relationship if you aren't meeting her needs as a submissive.

If you are not a Dom, there is no sense in continuing a relationship where you are required to perform in such a capacity in order to meet her need to be Dommed/to submit. You will not understand the need for her to submit and do these things, and what she does will never be appreciated as such. I think it's time to admit that the relationship is going no where.

Find another who conforms to your idea of independence and you will be far happier.

 

[Blue]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e4/6b/1b/e46b1bd6e103132cb7a1c67e03caff2c.jpg

 

[hooterbif]

I will also say that it does not seem that your needs are being met by her, and I'm not talking about fixing your meals or pouring you a drink. I wonder why she is still in this relationship if you aren't meeting her needs as a submissive.

From what she tells me, she has never experienced the things that we are experimenting with now (things that people on this board would recognize as D/S). Further, from what she tells me, I have satisfied her desire for these things (which she only recently has been able to verbalize) far more than anyone else in her past relationships (just not PERFECT but WAY more than enough for her to be satisfied).

She did tell me something that I thought was kind of odd a while back. She explained that her previous two relationships evolved into ones without sex for a few years. I could not believe it. Can you? Can you imagine the girl I have described on here being in a relationship without ANY sex for more than even a few DAYS?

I told her that I could not believe it. She said that there were points in both relationships when she realized that she just didn't see her boyfriends as dominant in bed, so she wasn't turned on. She stayed with them because she loved them. Forboding, no?

 

[SpunThings]

From what she tells me, she has never experienced the things that we are experimenting with now (things that people on this board would recognize as D/S). Further, from what she tells me, I have satisfied her desire for these things (which she only recently has been able to verbalize) far more than anyone else in her past relationships (just not PERFECT but WAY more than enough for her to be satisfied).

She did tell me something that I thought was kind of odd a while back. She explained that her previous two relationships evolved into ones without sex for a few years. I could not believe it. Can you? Can you imagine the girl I have described on here being in a relationship without ANY sex for more than even a few DAYS?

I told her that I could not believe it. She said that there were points in both relationships when she realized that she just didn't see her boyfriends as dominant in bed, so she wasn't turned on. She stayed with them because she loved them. Forboding, no?

I can totally see it. I am entirely uninterested in sex without my particular kinks/fetishes.

 

[barefootgirl69]

From what she tells me, she has never experienced the things that we are experimenting with now (things that people on this board would recognize as D/S). Further, from what she tells me, I have satisfied her desire for these things (which she only recently has been able to verbalize) far more than anyone else in her past relationships (just not PERFECT but WAY more than enough for her to be satisfied).

She did tell me something that I thought was kind of odd a while back. She explained that her previous two relationships evolved into ones without sex for a few years. I could not believe it. Can you? Can you imagine the girl I have described on here being in a relationship without ANY sex for more than even a few DAYS?

I told her that I could not believe it. She said that there were points in both relationships when she realized that she just didn't see her boyfriends as dominant in bed, so she wasn't turned on. She stayed with them because she loved them. Forboding, no?

Forboding, why? Because she thought more of the relationship than in a simple physical aspect?

As for imagining that, yes I can. Sounds like my former marriage.
If one isn't being satisfied, why bother going through the actions? Surely there has been a time you've felt that way.

Of course... that's all water under the bridge now....

 

[hooterbif]

Forboding, why? Because she thought more of the relationship than in a simple physical aspect?

Forboding because what if she gets tired of me in bed....

Surely there has been a time you've felt that way.

Yes, but not for years. Also, if not married, I would likely not be able to stay in that relationship....

 

[barefootgirl69]

Forboding because what if she gets tired of me in bed....
Yes, but not for years. Also, if not married, I would likely not be able to stay in that relationship....

Well, why not cross that bridge when you come to it? If her interests starts to slacken off, you will have the idea of why - and you will have the advantage of knowing a possibility of 'why'. As long as you both are talking and discussing things, I don't think you need to worry. If she is telling you its been better than in previous relationships, then you know you are on the right track.

There is no right and wrong in any relationship, it's what you two make of it. Talk, talk, talk.

 

[cookiecat]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e4/6b/1b/e46b1bd6e103132cb7a1c67e03caff2c.jpg

 

[Doug_Hinson]

.....

 

[Farawyn]

She did tell me something that I thought was kind of odd a while back. She explained that her previous two relationships evolved into ones without sex for a few years. I could not believe it. Can you?

Can you imagine the girl I have described on here being in a relationship without ANY sex for more than even a few DAYS?

I told her that I could not believe it. She said that there were points in both relationships when she realized that she just didn't see her boyfriends as dominant in bed, so she wasn't turned on. She stayed with them because she loved them.Forboding, no?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

***edits, mine.

 

[Farawyn]

Forboding because what if she gets tired of me in bed....


Yes, but not for years. Also, if not married, I would likely not be able to stay in that relationship....

Can I ask, how old are you?
You sound young. I'm not trying to insult. Hell, if I knew then what I know now, yadda yadda...
Relationships change. That's why communication and openness is THE most important thing.

 

[hooterbif]

Can I ask, how old are you?
You sound young. I'm not trying to insult. Hell, if I knew then what I know now, yadda yadda...
Relationships change. That's why communication and openness is THE most important thing.

I'd prefer not to give too much biographical information here. I am somewhere between 40 and 60 (maybe I'm young at heart?).

How old are you?

 

[Farawyn]

I'd prefer not to give too much biographical information here. I am somewhere between 40 and 60 (maybe I'm young at heart?).

How old are you?

I'm in my 40s. Married, and I have 2 kids.
2 cats and a dog.
Had a turtle once, but he died. His name was Gollum.

 

[Miles Long]

I'm in my 40s. Married, and I have 2 kids.
2 cats and a dog.
Had a turtle once, but he died. His name was Gollum.

Was he called Smeagol as a tiny turtle?

 

[hooterbif]

Had a turtle once, but he died.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Farawyn]

Was he called Smeagol as a tiny turtle?

Ah mah Gah!!!

Hahhahaaaa!

 

[Farawyn]

I am sorry for your loss.

Circle of Life.