Dom/sub/switch - What am I?

[Dazed&Confused]

Is there a shrink in the house?

OK, I don't think anyone but me can really answer this question, but I would be very interested in hearing other people's thoughts and experiences. A bit of background: I'm married vanilla, and have been participating in online BDSM for about 4 years now.

I like to Dominate. As a Dom, I get a deep inner happiness and sense of satisfaction. I like to cherish and take care of my sub. I insist on complete control over all her actions. I try to guide her, and do what's in her best interest. I feel good about myself, about her, about "us". The control aspect is indeed a turn-on. To say, and be obeyed. mmmm

However, when I think of being a sub to a Domme, my pulse quickens! A thrill runs through my entire body. When I belong to Her, all my senses are so damned *alive*. I dream of being Her complete slave for ever and ever. But, there are after-effects. Usually depression, self-loathing, and a general sense of "wrongness" to the whole experience. This always happens post-climax

From the above paragraphs, you can see that I have switched in the past. I do have some problems with the concept of switching though. I want to be one or the other, I don't want to flip-flop. It seems that I would have a happy, comfortable, loving life as a 24X7 Dom. But not quite the same high as being a sub. It's almost like I would need to be a Dom most of the time, with some occasional play switching in the bedroom. But I think that would compromise my authority, wouldn't it? Or if it really was pure "play", and she didn't really have control over me, it would be a turn off. <ramble, ramble, ramble ...>

Is that normal? Am I the only mixed up guy on the block? I know it doesn't help the situation that I am not free to explore these lifestyles in r/l.

Oh well, I await all your pearls of wisdom

Thanks,
Dazed & Confused (any Zep fans out there?)

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Welcome to the Community, Dazed. Let me start out me saying hello, and letting you know about some resources we have here that will help you get settled in, so to speak. Our sticky gives the rules and regs of the forum, but also has a couple of great essays within it. It can be an interesting read.

We have a wonderful Library here on the BDSM Board. It's loaded with threads on all sorts of topics related to BDSM. In fact, there's a whole category on Switch, that you might be interesting in exploring. Just so you know, these aren't dead threads. If the thread interests you, and you feel like you'd like to discuss it, feel free to post to the thread, to "bump" it up to the top of the Board. That will put the thread in active play on the Board for discussion.

If you have any questions about the Library, please feel free to PM me, and I'll be happy to help

~anelize, BDSM Librarian

 

[MissTaken]

Welcome to the forum, Dazed and Confused.

As you stated, you are the only one who knows what does "it" for you and what "it" may be.

I would suggest you not try to fit yourself into a role complete with label and just be you.

Sometimes, we worry too much about what we are as opposed to who we are and what we need, desire and enjoy.


Speaking from experience, this happens often. I enjoyed submission and worked very hard to be submissive and pursue relationships in which I submitted. Then, once I relaxed a bit, was a bit surprised to discover some pretty strong Dominant tendencies which, I might add are more prevalent than the sub tendencies.

You talk about switching as "flip flopping", I would disagree with the connotation. It appears you feel switches don't know what they want when in fact, the truth is, that switches quite often know exactly what they want and need....Dominance and submission. Being a switch would not make you any less of a person pursuing the lifestyle.

Lastly, I would caution you about trying to make these grey lines black and white before engaging in real life D/s. While I understand that on line D/s has substance and merit, there simply are things that cannot be replicated in real time and you may find some of these things very distasteful, i.e. the sting of a lady's belt across your buttocks!



In any event, best wishes and welcome again.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Hang around long enough and you will be told in short order what you are... by people who have no fucking clue.

But seriously,
Welcome aboard.

 

[s'lara]

Welcome. i'd like to say that you won't necessarily have members of the board coming out of the woodwork to tell you what you are in terms of BDSM. Some will offer their opinions and it is up to you to make a self-determination of where you fit (or do not fit) in BDSM.

Good luck to you. Feel free to ask all the questions you like, but be prepared for the answers.

lara

 

[Netzach]

Does it really matter?

I mean, maybe you're a Dominant who needs a break once in a while. That may not be an accepted standard definition in True Master/Mistress circles, but it sure applies in my house when I feel like getting tied up and flogged. "switch" works too, it's not a bad word, but it doesn't apply to all people who do that either.

Do what you like, the definitions will come later.

 

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks for your thoughts, all (cool library anelize!). Just to clarify one thing - I'm not knocking switching. It's just that I personally don't think I would want to switch with the same partner, and I would prefer to be monogamous (says the married guy on the bdsm board - so much for credibility ). So that implies I would need to be one or the other. Since subbing gives me the bigger thrill, you would think the choice is clear. But what really bites is the hangover afterwards. It gets worse each time until I'm forced to break the relationship.

I guess that's the part I'm most curious about. Has anyone ever switched, and then felt really bad about themselves afterwards? Or is that just my very own unique hang-up?

Peace,
D&C

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Netzach]

Thanks for your thoughts, all (cool library anelize!). Just to clarify one thing - I'm not knocking switching. It's just that I personally don't think I would want to switch with the same partner, and I would prefer to be monogamous (says the married guy on the bdsm board - so much for credibility ). So that implies I would need to be one or the other. Since subbing gives me the bigger thrill, you would think the choice is clear. But what really bites is the hangover afterwards. It gets worse each time until I'm forced to break the relationship.

I guess that's the part I'm most curious about. Has anyone ever switched, and then felt really bad about themselves afterwards? Or is that just my very own unique hang-up?

Peace,
D&C

I defined as a switch for quite some time and I was submissive in several relationships. It was hot. I will grant that. It was also not healthy for me. It wasn't them, either, it was me. I could find a million faults with this Top or that Top, but when I was gruelingly honest with myself, there was too much shit rising to the surface and not in a good cleansing way.

So I stopped. I've not submitted in about three years. Bottomed, sometimes, maybe, like once a year. Tie me up, I'll tell you how to do it, if I trust you you can tease me, but *I* will call the shots thankyouverymuch.

Just because a person *can* do something, doesn't mean they should.

If submission were a really big part of my internal fabric, I'm sure I could not have gone this long without. Simple as that.

So, if you find yourself in a repeated pattern of hangovers, I urge you to really look at them and prioritize. They may be pointing you towards being a submissive, they may be pointing you away, but nobody else can answer that one for you.

 

[Mr Blonde]

I will just repeat that you should do what pleases you at the time but also do an internal inventory (re: Netzach's very good post) to decide what has given you the most lasting satisfaction.

Also, lots of people describe things like "sub drop" or "top drop" and there have been arguments that all dominants should start as submissives. I am simply pointing out that whatever is happening and whichever way it goes, there will be people sharing your perspective.

 

[ethereal~minx]

...However, when I think of being a sub to a Domme, my pulse quickens! A thrill runs through my entire body. When I belong to Her, all my senses are so damned *alive*. I dream of being Her complete slave for ever and ever. But, there are after-effects. Usually depression, self-loathing, and a general sense of "wrongness" to the whole experience. This always happens post-climax
...

could it be that the depression, self-loathing & general sense of "wrongness" to the whole experience you speak of is stemming from a lack of faith in finding your dream? finding that certain Domme that would give balance to your desire?

it sounds to me that you want that trust, that connection, that balance with someone that will fit your need~~
right now you have the trust, in yourself, to be the one that has the strength and peace inside yourself to be responsible for another~~ but from what you've written, about the aliveness you feel you'd have with a Domme~~
yeah, it seems to me that you are wanting someone with a mutual respect/understanding and strength in themselves to share it with, to gift your open heart/trust/vulnerability (submission) to...

make any sense??? sometimes I ramble too

good luck

 

[Dazed&Confused]

A lot of food for thought here people, thank you very much.

ethereal~minx, that's an interesting point you bring up about trust, I never thought about it that way before (oh God, he's going to ramble again).

Perhaps I am simply wired this way, and would always have a so-called hangover afterwards. In that sense, you're right about trust. I can't really imagine being that vulnerable and trusting someone to care for me at that moment. That wouldn't be the time to get all Domme-bitchy on me. And would she ever be able to understand that I can feel so bad about what we just experienced together? If she's patient and waits an hour or so, I'll be just as randy as before Seriously though, I would have a problem with this if it was the other way around. If a sub felt really bad about herself after a great, mutually satisfying time, I would really wonder if this was right for her, or was slowly destroying her.

On the other hand, if being a Dom doesn't quite give the same high, am I "settling"? (he asks, rhetorically) If so, how fair is that to the sub?

I guess the pisser is that it's all in fantasy land. Why waste any more brain cells on something I'm never likely to experience in flesh & blood. Hmmm. Maybe that frustration alone darkens everything a shade or two. Or maybe I'm becoming a drama queen (king?). Crap.

'nuff said, thank you all for sharing.
D&C

 

[Lady Emerald]

Is there a shrink in the house?

OK, I don't think anyone but me can really answer this question, but I would be very interested in hearing other people's thoughts and experiences. A bit of background: I'm married vanilla, and have been participating in online BDSM for about 4 years now.

Hey D&C There seems to be a lot of us "confused" out there. As well as working out if you are Dom/sub/switch does your online life conflict or harmonize with your rl, specifically your marriage? I am curious.

 

[Dazed&Confused]

Re: Re: Dom/sub/switch - What am I?

Originally posted by Lady Emerald
Hey D&C There seems to be a lot of us "confused" out there. As well as working out if you are Dom/sub/switch does your online life conflict or harmonize with your rl, specifically your marriage? I am curious.

My online life affects me personally (my own mental/emotional state & growth), as well as affecting my marriage. I'll just deal with the latter, which is what you're asking about.

Initially, my "other" life was hurting my marriage severely. For a good 15 years all I had heard was how sick I was for having D/s thoughts. When I came online I found people like me, and more importantly - felt acceptance. For many months I felt very angry towards my wife for having made me feel so bad about myself, and also for not being able to even try to give me what I so obviously need very much. So, in the beginning anyway, my online life hurt my marriage very much. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't consider leaving my family. I suspect that if I didn't have children, I would have left in those days.

On the more positive side, having an outlet where I can express myself freely has also helped my marriage. I don't discuss my sexual needs with her anymore, and so we've lost pretty much all reasons to have arguments. Other than in the sex department, we really are a great for each other. Now I'm able to be myself online, to express myself openly to a peer group, and uhm, to be "alone" as often as I want to avoid pent-up sexual frustration (sorry, but missionary once or twice a month just doesn't cut it for me).

Less than ideal, but at least I'm not quite as bad a basket case as I used to be. And I'm happy with my family. Of course I still crave tasting D/s in r/l, but it's not debilitating anymore.

D&C

 

[Lady Emerald]

It is good to hear you have things worked out in relation to your wife/family and your "online" life. Since I started posting here I have talked with many in the same situation, men and women who feel a need to express their BDSM need of whatever flavor, and also need or want to keep their marriages and families. Many people change over the course of a marriage, or in my case I had "feelings" or "desires" and I didn't know what they were until years later and discovered lots of people share these same feeling and desires!