Dom seemingly not interested?

[tobme]

Hi. I'm new here - so this is a bit scary, but here goes.
I have been with a Dom for about a year and a half. When we first met, he said that being in a D/s relationship was very important(we met on a D/s website), and that traditional rolled where to be upheld. All if this sounded good to me, and I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. But, as we started to date and eventually moved in together, I realised that this was very very very far from the truth. He seems uninterested in the D/s dynamic - except when he wants me to do housework or get his way. I am, not to be arrogant, a reasonably good looking woman with a pretty attractive body (if you like slim and fit bodies) - to each their own. I have 'only' had a few boyfriends in my life and don't use toys, therefore my experience level is very small - I guess I'm just the relationship type. I don't like taking initiative, in general, but especially sexually - but, unless I take initiative to have or talk about sex it doesn't happen. Since I have difficulties doing so, we sometimes go months without anything sexual happening. Even though I lack experience, my libido is very high - I just suppress it. My question is: is this whole D/s thing really possible? Is anyone in a real D/s relationship, or is this yet another fairytale? I have asked him if I could have a srictly online Dom - just to have some relief, but no. He doesn't want me to seek comfort and guidece online, although seemingly unvillig to fulfill my needs himself - wtf is that about?
I find him unreasonably attractive, which only makes me more frustrated. I really like him and want him, but I have always longed to be a sub and be in a D/s relationship. I'm just so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Welcome to Lit

This can be a slower moving board, but hopefully others will chime in with their experience and offer guidance soon.

There is really a continuum of D/S dynamics and what works for some doesn’t work for others. The 50’s housewife kinda dynamic does work for a lot of people and maybe that’s what he’s thinking?? Regardless, it needs to work for both of you. Before you moved in, did you happen to talk about specifics of what you were looking for or expecting? (I know many couples move in without doing this; hell I got married without really having that conversation).

It’s probably time for a talk like that. Maybe you could use an online BDSM checklist or quiz to help you define your wants and desires. Subs get to have wants and desires, too. The magic happens when you have these conversations and know each other’s wants and limits and then grow together. I wish you the best.

 

[Primalex]

I don't see (yet) what this has to do with BDSM.

Mismatched libidos happen.

I recommend to avoid such a relationship.

 

[tonyreid]

your situation

Hi message me if you would like a dom guys feedback on a similar dynamic . Not looking to get off to your story etc just a genuine reach out

 

[cookiecat]

Hi message me if you would like a dom guys feedback on a similar dynamic . Not looking to get off to your story etc just a genuine reach out

Why not give your feedback here, so others can learn, too??

 

[cookiecat]

Hi. I'm new here - so this is a bit scary, but here goes.
I have been with a Dom for about a year and a half. When we first met, he said that being in a D/s relationship was very important(we met on a D/s website), and that traditional rolled where to be upheld. All if this sounded good to me, and I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. But, as we started to date and eventually moved in together, I realised that this was very very very far from the truth. He seems uninterested in the D/s dynamic - except when he wants me to do housework or get his way. I am, not to be arrogant, a reasonably good looking woman with a pretty attractive body (if you like slim and fit bodies) - to each their own. I have 'only' had a few boyfriends in my life and don't use toys, therefore my experience level is very small - I guess I'm just the relationship type. I don't like taking initiative, in general, but especially sexually - but, unless I take initiative to have or talk about sex it doesn't happen. Since I have difficulties doing so, we sometimes go months without anything sexual happening. Even though I lack experience, my libido is very high - I just suppress it. My question is: is this whole D/s thing really possible? Is anyone in a real D/s relationship, or is this yet another fairytale? I have asked him if I could have a srictly online Dom - just to have some relief, but no. He doesn't want me to seek comfort and guidece online, although seemingly unvillig to fulfill my needs himself - wtf is that about?
I find him unreasonably attractive, which only makes me more frustrated. I really like him and want him, but I have always longed to be a sub and be in a D/s relationship. I'm just so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

He sounds like an asshole.

You don't give any other insight in to the other parts of your relationship other than you're both attractive. Is he a nice guy? Does he treat you well in other areas of your life? Did you move in with him BECAUSE you wanted to be submissive? Because you wanted a D/s relationship? Or because you genuinely love the guy and get along?

A D/s relationship is no different than any other relationship. It isn't about doing chores.

He should be giving you comfort and guidance in all areas of your life. Just as you should be there for him.

He doesn't sound attractive at all. He sounds like a jerk. Again, it's only from what you've written -- he could be a great guy. But.... great guys wouldn't go months without sex, affection, communication so that you have to come here and ask strangers this question.

 

[OutlandishOtter]

I'm sorry this is happening to you! It seems like maybe the honeymoon phase is wearing off and things are slowing down. My advice is to tell him what you want and either things change or you need to move on. I've been in a D/s relationship for around 6 months, and I noticed after around 4 months things really started to slow down. It just wasn't new and exciting anymore for him it seems, and for the most part that is okay. We still "play" occasionally, but talk about it less and make less of an effort to see each other. It seems to be similar to your situation, and I know for a fact that it stinks. Good luck!

 

[anniebaby10]

Hi. I'm new here - so this is a bit scary, but here goes.
I have been with a Dom for about a year and a half. When we first met, he said that being in a D/s relationship was very important(we met on a D/s website), and that traditional rolled where to be upheld. All if this sounded good to me, and I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. But, as we started to date and eventually moved in together, I realised that this was very very very far from the truth. He seems uninterested in the D/s dynamic - except when he wants me to do housework or get his way. I am, not to be arrogant, a reasonably good looking woman with a pretty attractive body (if you like slim and fit bodies) - to each their own. I have 'only' had a few boyfriends in my life and don't use toys, therefore my experience level is very small - I guess I'm just the relationship type. I don't like taking initiative, in general, but especially sexually - but, unless I take initiative to have or talk about sex it doesn't happen. Since I have difficulties doing so, we sometimes go months without anything sexual happening. Even though I lack experience, my libido is very high - I just suppress it. My question is: is this whole D/s thing really possible? Is anyone in a real D/s relationship, or is this yet another fairytale? I have asked him if I could have a srictly online Dom - just to have some relief, but no. He doesn't want me to seek comfort and guidece online, although seemingly unvillig to fulfill my needs himself - wtf is that about?
I find him unreasonably attractive, which only makes me more frustrated. I really like him and want him, but I have always longed to be a sub and be in a D/s relationship. I'm just so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

You need to leave. This is not good for you on any level. Don't tell him, just pack your stuff and go. And don't let him know where you are.

 

[TheWhiteBull]

Agreeing with the others here who feel that this guy isn’t worth your time.

Part of being in any good/healthy/successful relationship at least attempting to fulfill your partner’s needs be they physical,emotional, etc. He doesn’t sound from what you said so far to be someone interested in doing that.

 

[tobme]

Ok - guess i should have...

I should have explained the situation better. He is, at times, caring and sweet - but, he seems incapable of deeper feelings ,or maybe it's emotions?. He seems not to need/want a D/s dynamic as much as he claimed when we first met. His lack of sexual/intimate attention seems to be a form of... well....punishment, or to hold me 'in my place'. He knows I find him very attractive and really want to please him - I just can't be the type of sub who doesn't speak her mind, or just complies. I really want him - just can't seem to 'earn' his 'domlyness' or interest.

 

[AnnieLit]

Sorry this hapened to you!
But I have to agree with everybody else here -- from what you wrote it does not look like there is much reason for you to stay. If you wait much longer you risk ending up being married and having kids with a guy that CAN show you good times, but will actually do it two times a year. There can be 1000 reasons for that, but the "why"s should not matter much to you -- he is the way he is, his needs and yours are not even close, so stop waisting time. He is trading sex for chores, really?? Sumbissive or not, you have as much right for sexual satisfaction as anybody else. He is violating this righ. So unless you are a poor college student and he is paying your tuition, I would say get out of there and start a new search.

Good luck! And I wish you to meet a real Dom, the one that not only orders you around, but also takes care of ALL the needs of his sub as well: sexual, emotional, and any other type you might possibly have.

 

[OutlandishOtter]

I should have explained the situation better. He is, at times, caring and sweet - but, he seems incapable of deeper feelings ,or maybe it's emotions?. He seems not to need/want a D/s dynamic as much as he claimed when we first met. His lack of sexual/intimate attention seems to be a form of... well....punishment, or to hold me 'in my place'. He knows I find him very attractive and really want to please him - I just can't be the type of sub who doesn't speak her mind, or just complies. I really want him - just can't seem to 'earn' his 'domlyness' or interest.

Alright the further you explain the more he seems to be playing mind games, and that is completely unhealthy and a major red flag. Even if that is not his intention but is your interpretation, this is not good for your mental health. Get out of there, OP!

 

[cookiecat]

I should have explained the situation better. He is, at times, caring and sweet - but, he seems incapable of deeper feelings ,or maybe it's emotions?. He seems not to need/want a D/s dynamic as much as he claimed when we first met. His lack of sexual/intimate attention seems to be a form of... well....punishment, or to hold me 'in my place'. He knows I find him very attractive and really want to please him - I just can't be the type of sub who doesn't speak her mind, or just complies. I really want him - just can't seem to 'earn' his 'domlyness' or interest.

Ok, let's be clear. Lack of sexual/intimate attention could be considered punishment if this is something you both discussed: withholding sex/intimacy was going to be a consequence of something to which you both agreed. But that's the thing. You both actually have to talk about what the rules of the relationship are.

I'm still trying to figure out why you find him attractive other than he looks good.

Is this how you want to lead your life? Doing chores because he's lazy and inattentive?

How is it you should be earning his dominance or interest???? Do more dishes? Be more attractive? Jump through some more hoops?

A Dom/sub relationship is like any other relationship. It's based on clear communication, shared goals, great sex, mutual respect. Not guessing about what you're doing wrong.

Good luck.

 

[AliceLittle]

Run, Fast and Far

As the others say... run cause he's an asshole.

If he's only pulling hte Dom card to get his way, he's not Dominating you, he's manipulating you.

If he's not taking the time to listen to your wants and needs, he's an asshole.

If you all don't have a good relationship, then you need to either make choices to fix it or you need to leave. Because if you settle, you will be unhappy and life is too short for that and far too short to put up with bad sex.

For any relationship D/s, or not, you need to have mutual respect and communication. It is both GIVE and TAKE. Sometimes you will do more giving than taking, and sometimes more taking than giving but it should always even out between you. Submission is a gift... if he doesn't want it, it's okay for you to break things off and go find someone who does.

You are a submissive, you are not a doormat, a convenience, or someone who has to "give" everything in the relationship.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I should have explained the situation better. He is, at times, caring and sweet - but, he seems incapable of deeper feelings ,or maybe it's emotions?. He seems not to need/want a D/s dynamic as much as he claimed when we first met. His lack of sexual/intimate attention seems to be a form of... well....punishment, or to hold me 'in my place'. He knows I find him very attractive and really want to please him - I just can't be the type of sub who doesn't speak her mind, or just complies. I really want him - just can't seem to 'earn' his 'domlyness' or interest.

Why do you want him? You say he is caring and sweet "at times". It sounds like he just wants a personal maid and has manipulated you into staying with him. I am sorry for your situation. I hope it works out the way that you want it to.

 

[Master_Doctor]

Hi. I'm new here - so this is a bit scary, but here goes.
I have been with a Dom for about a year and a half. When we first met, he said that being in a D/s relationship was very important(we met on a D/s website), and that traditional rolled where to be upheld. All if this sounded good to me, and I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. But, as we started to date and eventually moved in together, I realised that this was very very very far from the truth. He seems uninterested in the D/s dynamic - except when he wants me to do housework or get his way. I am, not to be arrogant, a reasonably good looking woman with a pretty attractive body (if you like slim and fit bodies) - to each their own. I have 'only' had a few boyfriends in my life and don't use toys, therefore my experience level is very small - I guess I'm just the relationship type. I don't like taking initiative, in general, but especially sexually - but, unless I take initiative to have or talk about sex it doesn't happen. Since I have difficulties doing so, we sometimes go months without anything sexual happening. Even though I lack experience, my libido is very high - I just suppress it. My question is: is this whole D/s thing really possible? Is anyone in a real D/s relationship, or is this yet another fairytale? I have asked him if I could have a srictly online Dom - just to have some relief, but no. He doesn't want me to seek comfort and guidece online, although seemingly unvillig to fulfill my needs himself - wtf is that about?
I find him unreasonably attractive, which only makes me more frustrated. I really like him and want him, but I have always longed to be a sub and be in a D/s relationship. I'm just so confused. Any advice would be appreciated.

I tried to reach out to you privately, because somethings I wanted to share were of personal experiences. But your settings dont allow that.

He wants exactly what he is getting from you. He doesnt care about your needs getting met. That much is obvious. This is not a D/s relationship. Ive been in D/s and M/s relationships for 23 years now. Trust me. a True D/s dynamic is about all parties getting their needs met. You CLEARLY are not getting yours met. He seems much more interested in a trophy maid, than a living breathing woman who needs his attention. I would suggest you have been sold a false bag of goods. If he is a real Dom, then he is the self absorbed kind who doesnt care about the needs of his submissive. Therefor, IMO not worthy of you.

 

[DADDYLOVER3]

I should have explained the situation better. He is, at times, caring and sweet - but, he seems incapable of deeper feelings ,or maybe it's emotions?. He seems not to need/want a D/s dynamic as much as he claimed when we first met. His lack of sexual/intimate attention seems to be a form of... well....punishment, or to hold me 'in my place'. He knows I find him very attractive and really want to please him - I just can't be the type of sub who doesn't speak her mind, or just complies. I really want him - just can't seem to 'earn' his 'domlyness' or interest.

you need to find a dom like me who has over 35 years in experiences who is very strict and a taboo freak and can give you more needs than you can handle, I am into bondage, spanking toys and have you needs met indoors and outdoors with no mercy! send me a pm if you dare to know more!

 

[sally_sparrow]

you need to find a dom like me who has over 35 years in experiences who is very strict and a taboo freak and can give you more needs than you can handle, I am into bondage, spanking toys and have you needs met indoors and outdoors with no mercy! send me a pm if you dare to know more!

Any takers yet? I feel like you need one of these.
https://66.media.tumblr.com/e8b0648c13fb6588da542d35af55ea9b/tumblr_inline_p7hf5unOIW1sjnmot_540.gif