Dom/me Mentoring?

[Rrrosyn]

Before I go pouring my life history and problems out on threads like "Questions for a Domme" which looks rather dead, I was wondering if anyone out there is truly into mentoring, dominant/top to dominant/top.

I used to post here with a lot of questions as I started into the lifestyle a couple years ago... then I vanished as I ended up very single. For me BDSM exists only within my romantic relationships. Now, as I have grown and my partner has changed, I find myself running into new problems.

1. I am not into inflicting pain to the same level that he is into receiving it.


2. I am far more into frustration and being served than he is interested. Though he likes to serve, work, school and other things to fatigue him and just make him darn grouchy about it.


There are several more complications, such as my being disabled and us living with family... but for the most part, I am wondering how to balance his need for pain with my need to frustrate. I know neither of us are happy when we slip into 'nila patterns for weeks on end.

Looking for a mentor, not a judge. Advice always welcome. I do belong to a local BDSM group that meets once a month, but I am shy to go to play-parties and to be honest, both my fiance/sub and I are around 2/3 to 1/2 the age of other members. We feel somewhat lost there sometimes.

~Rose
PS. PMs are okay to chat, but this comp/ISP won't run Literotica's chat.

 

[tealsphynx]

I know how it feels to be the youger member/s of the group. I'm 20 and everyone else is my parents age or older...sometime I feel like a baby aroiund them. Uhm, no ideas for ya, sorry.

 

[Rrrosyn]

Aye. I love my local BDSM group and enjoy the munches. Their ideas are usually quite helpful. But everyone is old enough to be my parent and I am pushing 30. My submissive is almost 24 and totally outclassed by living experiences. He's starting college (a little late) and they're discussing what they did during Vietnam.

 

[jasonlf]

I know how it feels to be the youger member/s of the group. I'm 20 and everyone else is my parents age or older...sometime I feel like a baby aroiund them. Uhm, no ideas for ya, sorry.

Sometimes it's just a tad creepy too, thinking about BDSM + people your parents' age.

Admit it.

 

[marieR19]

lol really! I have profiles places where it asks to list what ages your interested in, and shit.... anything more then 30 is just creepy for me. I'm too young damnit!
But on topic, I have no help, sorry. I'm a complete novice, so yeah.


Marie

 

[Aeroil]

Sometimes it's just a tad creepy too, thinking about BDSM + people your parents' age.

Admit it.

Naw, I like older people, they're cooler, people my age mostly suck, except the CKFC and tealsphynx

 

[Marquis]

I'd offer to be your mentor, but I don't know shit.

I have people that I go to for hard questions, and people I go to to show me play techniques. I've found that people willing to share their knowledge is pretty common in this society, but ulterior motives are just as common unfortunately.

 

[Rrrosyn]

I agree with Aeriol for different reasons. Older people have expereinces to share and I have always enjoyed listening to these. Maybe because I was raised by my grandparents a lot of my life. I just love soaking up their knowledge. I have no issues with my ideas of my folks and BDSM. (In fact, I know of a dart board game they had in the back of their closet...)

I just wonder on some topics if I come across clearly. I need to know how to mesh the type of dominance my fiance enjoys SM and the type of dominance I enjoy D/s. I don't do the Mistress/slave thing either. I feel I am his Queen with all the rights due to royalty and he is my Knight. Therefore he is under my rule, but dedicated to me in a way that elevates him above others.

 

[Rrrosyn]

I'd offer to be your mentor, but I don't know shit.

I have people that I go to for hard questions, and people I go to to show me play techniques. I've found that people willing to share their knowledge is pretty common in this society, but ulterior motives are just as common unfortunately.

Thanks you for such an honest reply. I have seen many ulterior movitves show their nasty heads days into conversation. I will eventually build trust with someone I know (I hope) to learn technique. Right now most of my issues are just about balance.

I am considering a reward system of some sort. I get my feet rubbed he gets a spanking. It is impossible to use pain as punishment in his case. And I prefer rewards.

 

[chris9]

snip

Excuse me, but why do your posts run so far to the side? Can you change it so I don't have to scroll sideways? (Just a matter of comfortable reading, not that important)
Sorry, I don't know how to help you either. Maybe some of the more experienced folks around will have an idea?

 

[Rrrosyn]

Sorry Chris, I'm not seeing any posts in this thread running off to the side. I'll check my settings to be sure word wrap is marked anyway.

 

[Tollo]

Finding a mentor would probably be helpful for you, but it would be better if it was somebody local who knows both of you personally. I would recommend that you keep attending the munches (with your SO) and maybe somebody there will eventually seem like a candidate whom you could approach. In the mean time, well, there is always the helpful folks at this forum...

Your general question about balancing needs is basic to all long term relationships. Open communication and an attitude of compromise are what allows any relationship between two or more people to endure and (hopefully) flourish. Eventually all relationships will come up against incompatibility issues. If there exists a solid foundation of love, trust and respect, then when the chips are down, these will inspire each of you to find a solution through communication and compromise. OK, I realize that this is a very general response to your question, but I felt it was worth repeating the old "communication" mantra, because it is so true.

Now, more specifically, your sub is more into pain, you are into frustration...hmm. There are many ways to induce pain that you might find easier to do than such physical activities as spanking or flogging. Can you imagine yourself rubbing a heating oil into his skin? If you do not like to hear him vocalize, then tell him he must show his strength by enduring in silence. This type of play can get very intense, and given the proper product you should be able to meet all of his pain needs and then some. It seems to me that a Queen could "reward" a faithful knight with a massage, but one that requires the knight to show strength when the "reward" becomes a test. I think a few drops of eucalyptus oil rubbed into the skin of his penis and/or scrotum would be a good place to start. It is simple for you, and from my experience eucalyptus on the genitals can be very intense for the recipient. Look around here and you will find many similar ideas, and a lot of good information on how to play safe too. (In this instance, try a drop on a less sensitive spot first to ensure no allergic reactions, try a drop on yourself before using it in play to get an idea of how serious it can be, keep it away from the eyes, etc...mostly common sense stuff. As for eucalyptus, as far as I know it is totally safe, it is available at most drug stores or health food/ herbal places. I have never had a problem with it, though one time it was more than A. could take and we had to stop for her to go wash it off before continuing, there were no lasting side effects. Mint oil might be a milder alternative if the eucalyptus is too much.) Overall, if you can identify the things that you do not like about an activity, and also those aspects of it which you can at least tolerate, a compromise solution can, in most cases, be found.

As for your desire to frustrate, this could mean so many things. Could you be more specific? Or, could you describe a scenario that you find hot that incorporates "frustration"?


Tollo

 

[Private_Label]

I think a few drops of eucalyptus oil rubbed into the skin of his penis and/or scrotum would be a good place to start. It is simple for you, and from my experience eucalyptus on the genitals can be very intense for the recipient. Look around here and you will find many similar ideas, and a lot of good information on how to play safe too.

I am reminded of the "figging" thread ... ginger juice or oil would also produce a buring sensation. You could use prepared fingers of the root or mash a little up into a paste consistency...

 

[Sheaf_Beast]

Before I go pouring my life history and problems out on threads like "Questions for a Domme" which looks rather dead, I was wondering if anyone out there is truly into mentoring, dominant/top to dominant/top.

I used to post here with a lot of questions as I started into the lifestyle a couple years ago... then I vanished as I ended up very single. For me BDSM exists only within my romantic relationships. Now, as I have grown and my partner has changed, I find myself running into new problems.

1. I am not into inflicting pain to the same level that he is into receiving it.


2. I am far more into frustration and being served than he is interested. Though he likes to serve, work, school and other things to fatigue him and just make him darn grouchy about it.


There are several more complications, such as my being disabled and us living with family... but for the most part, I am wondering how to balance his need for pain with my need to frustrate. I know neither of us are happy when we slip into 'nila patterns for weeks on end.

Looking for a mentor, not a judge. Advice always welcome. I do belong to a local BDSM group that meets once a month, but I am shy to go to play-parties and to be honest, both my fiance/sub and I are around 2/3 to 1/2 the age of other members. We feel somewhat lost there sometimes.

~Rose
PS. PMs are okay to chat, but this comp/ISP won't run Literotica's chat.

First I dont know what your disability is, does it stop you from using a whip,stick,paddle?

If so look into lighter weight items old time rug beater,hickory switch etc,all oldies but goldies.

Going to munch/play parties.

There is nothing like real world experience, watch, see if you and he find a scene you like and then talk to the people that put on the scene.
Yes, actual contact with other people,scary?

If you can pay to have a dom do online mentoring get a copy of ddi and find someone that will work with you.
Maybe some of this helps, maybe not.

 

[Rrrosyn]

As for your desire to frustrate, this could mean so many things. Could you be more specific? Or, could you describe a scenario that you find hot that incorporates "frustration"?


Tollo

Tollo! You have so hit the nail on the head. That is the precise type of frustration I enjoy. Sensation CBT like oils (not tried much) over-intense pleasure, such and rubbing the head of his penis with nylons.

I do not mind paddling and mild (thuddng and many-tailed) floggings. We've even bought each other paddle/flogger combos. That was when I noticed he wanted something more pain-causing and less flashy. I won't do whips and things that require greater aim, I just am not that practiced. It is just so obviously a reward.

Simple example of communication breakdown are:

1. We agreed to paddling 2-3 times a week before bed because he finds it relaxing and sleeps better... but then he won't go to bed until he is too tired. Now he works a swing shift that brings him home really late and after the wind-down time (TV, computer, whatever) it is way, way past my bedtime, so it is understandable in some instances.

2. And this goes along with Label's response... I would love to try figging and am always bringing it up. He says no, and no is no in this house. However, I know he is curious because he has actually brought home ginger root. Then he gets nervous and backs down again. The ginger root stays in the fridge about a month and after I throw it out, he will come home with more. But he stills says no.

I do have peppermint oil, but we tried it in a olive oil suspension and had no effect. That's how I use it for headaches. I am assuming it has to be undiluted to work.

I am just finding it very frustrating when I go to all the work to lay out toys, oils, and bondage gear, only to have him come home too tired to do anything.

He does work a few day shifts and I am thinking maybe a weak "no" shouldn't hold as much weight with me on such days.

Thank you for your input! Truly every bit helps me churn the ideas in my head.

 

[Rrrosyn]

... ginger juice or oil would also produce a buring sensation. You could use prepared fingers of the root or mash a little up into a paste consistency...

Great Idea. Since he keeps buying the ginger, I think I will try to put some through the juicer. Maybe that will be a way to ease him into it. He doesn't mind oils, juices, gels, pastes... but the actual idea of sitting there with it in his anus makes him nervous. He likes anal play, so I am confused on that.

Also thinking maybe liquid latex. Like the ginger me mentioned it once, but he hasn't picked any up yet. Or at least, I haven't seen it added to the toy chest. (I am very very short and can't even reach the toy chest, so it's kinda hard to tell. Outta reach of kids and all.)

 

[Rrrosyn]

First I dont know what your disability is, does it stop you from using a whip,stick,paddle?

As long as I don't have to stand to get that over-head swing, I am fine. Usually I sit on the bed cross-legged with him kneeling in front of me. This allows me access to the under-carriage and gives me decent swing for a paddle. I also use thudding floggers by kneeling on the edge of the bed with him laying down. Whips, I don't have the aim for and I have never tried sticks or canes.

There is nothing like real world experience, watch, see if you and he find a scene you like and then talk to the people that put on the scene.
Yes, actual contact with other people,scary?

We are going to munches. We've been to 4 so far and do qualify to go to play parties. I get along fine with the leader of the group. He's even swatted my sub with a home-made leather strap to show how nice it was. However, the grp is small, so other than monthly munches not much is happening. I am hoping that by the time my comfort level is up, the grp will be having play parties and demonstrations.

If you can pay to have a dom do online mentoring get a copy of ddi and find someone that will work with you.
Maybe some of this helps, maybe not.

Everything anyone has said so far has been a help, even if it just makes me think more about something. Living very rural, it isn't as if I can go to the nearest big city (which would be SF at 350miles) to go to a demonstraition. (There is a place in Oregon that has some demos, but they've had a few too many accidents lately for my comfort.)

Thank you so much for replying. It does help.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would love to try figging and am always bringing it up. He says no, and no is no in this house. However, I know he is curious because he has actually brought home ginger root. Then he gets nervous and backs down again. The ginger root stays in the fridge about a month and after I throw it out, he will come home with more. But he stills says no.

I am just finding it very frustrating when I go to all the work to lay out toys, oils, and bondage gear, only to have him come home too tired to do anything.

He does work a few day shifts and I am thinking maybe a weak "no" shouldn't hold as much weight with me on such days.

Thank you for your input! Truly every bit helps me churn the ideas in my head.

My thought is you need to both sit down and have a real open and honest talk about limits, fears, fantasies, and where the reality line is in all that. While it is true that some will say 'no', and yet be happy afterward they were pushed, it is dangerous and can undermine trust for a long time, if not forever, if you guess it wrong. Perhaps a better idea would be discussing what 'no' means to your partner, and if he is willing to have it pushed at times, possibly hoping you will, create some alternative word so 'no' can still be understood and used to ensure safety.

The frustration thing also is understandable, but that is where responsibility comes in on both sides.....the sub to carry through if they have committed to something (unless they can provide good reason you find acceptable), and the Dominant to commit to caring about the safety and welfare of the sub enough to put aside their own frustrations and needs when necessary. This does not mean the sub gets to use this to top from the bottom, and recognising and addressing this can be tricky, but it does mean there is responsibility to make the relationship work on a D/s level, and minimise those moments of frustrated anticipation. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[Rrrosyn]

My thought is you need to both sit down and have a real open and honest talk about limits, fears, fantasies, and where the reality line is in all that. While it is true that some will say 'no', and yet be happy afterward they were pushed, it is dangerous and can undermine trust for a long time, if not forever, if you guess it wrong. Perhaps a better idea would be discussing what 'no' means to your partner, and if he is willing to have it pushed at times, possibly hoping you will, create some alternative word so 'no' can still be understood and used to ensure safety.

Oh I would talk with him first about "weak no" and what it means. I'm the one who has always had "no means no" as the rule. We have a safe word for play, but I still ask if he wants me to stop if he says no or reacts out of the norm. Usually it just means he is tired. Lately I think all we do is talk. We never argue. Just talk. A lot.

We had a nice night last night. Just a date. We never dated much since we met online. (Online dates in RPGs do not count!) So dinner at the park, a movie and then ice cream as we watched the crescent moon set was quite a treat. No sex, no BDSM (except the royal treatment which never changes) and no expectations except each other's company. I think it will reopen communication back on the proper level.

 

[catalina_francisco]

We never dated much since we met online. (Online dates in RPGs do not count!)

LOL, we never dated.....just met face to face and got married 2 weeks later.

Catalina

 

[Rrrosyn]

LOL, we never dated.....just met face to face and got married 2 weeks later.

Catalina

ROFL!

We hunted in an online RPG for about 8 months. (I threw a knife at his head is how we met.) After that things moved faster. He came to CA for 4 days, I went to NC for 3 weeks, we drove back to CA, he proposed at the Grand Canyon on the way... and we would be married if it weren't for some legal financial issues (my disability and his college financial aid won't mesh)... so we've been living together for 18 months. Everyone says we act married! Which totally explains the communication problems.