Doing that thing---Advice; your opinion?

[Pure]

dear prudence: Advice on manners and morals.

Child's Play

Should I stop my preschool-aged daughter from exploring her body?

Updated Thursday, March 22, 2007, at 8:12 AM ET



Dear Prudence,

I am the mother of a beautiful, clever, generally well-behaved 4-year-old girl. I adore her, and she's a delight to be with in public and sweet as pie with other adults. My problem isn't something that other moms talk about, or that I've seen other little girls do. My daughter likes to—uh, how shall I put this?—rub herself on things: tables, chairs, ottomans, stairs.

She really gets into it, and can go for long periods—half an hour, 45 minutes. She becomes very intent and flushed, and often gets upset when we try to stop her (probably because it feels good—duh!).

My husband and I call it "doing that thing" and we have been generally tolerant of it, even though it has embarrassed us when she's done it in public places like bookstores or at the babysitter's house. We think exploring one's body is a normal thing and that probably she will grow out of this, but when friends come over and see her "doing that thing" on the coffee table, it's a real conversation-stopper.

Should we prevent or prohibit this behavior, just because it embarrasses us? I don't think it's a disciplinary issue, because she's not disobeying us or hurting us or herself. We just figured it was something that she would grow out of, but she's doing it more and more. It's just such a strange, awkward habit, and I can't settle on a graceful, sensible, loving solution.

—Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
Now that you know what your daughter's up to, look more closely and you may occasionally notice other sweet little girls plastered to furniture, oblivious to their surroundings. Of course she's upset when you try to stop her. If you felt you had 10 orgasms to go, you'd be annoyed if your mother told you you'd had enough.

There's nothing strange about preschoolers masturbating—for reassurance, read about it at this University of Michigan site, or in the book Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask)—you will be able to relate to the mother of a 2-1/2-year-old who is quoted as saying, "Oh, my God, I realized Ella's humping Barney."

How confusing and crushing for your daughter it would be if you tried to stop this behavior completely because of your own embarrassment. You want her to be comfortable with exploring her body and with the idea that it can be a source of pleasure. But at age 4, she is old enough to understand the distinction between things that are fine in private but not in public (she's toilet-trained, after all).

You can explain to her that "doing that thing" is for at home when there's no company (if there's company, let her know she can do it in her room). When you're in public, and she starts approaching the nearest ottoman with that look on her face, tell her that's for when you're home, and come up with something to distract her.

As for outgrowing "that thing," in a few years she will take it completely private (you needn't worry that your daughter will be rocking herself on the coffee table when she's 16), but you want to handle this now in such a way that you help her retain her robust joy in her body.

—Prudie

 

[OhMissScarlett]

"Oh, my God, I realized Ella's humping Barney."

*dies laughing*

Yeah, I can identify. I don't know how many times lately I've had to say: "Knock it off, that's for private time only!"

 

[jomar]

A future Litizen!

 

[3113]

So...you're not suppose to rub yourself against the coffeetable?

 

[cloudy]

*dies laughing*

Yeah, I can identify. I don't know how many times lately I've had to say: "Knock it off, that's for private time only!"

Yep. Boys are just as bad, if not worse, than the little girl in the letter. My oldest son went through a time where it seemed that his hand was glued to his crotch, no matter where we were. We had to have several discussions of what was acceptable during private time, etc.

 

[Grushenka]

Plastered to the furniture was me at that age too. Unfortunately, due to 'outsiders' like my old aunts (vs. my parents) I had to do it in private and feel I was doing something bad.

In college one of my married friend's 18-month old boy used to masturbate in his high chair at the dinner table (I was a frequent guest so like part of the family). No one paid attention except when he'd get mashed potatoes and peas down his diaper.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I didn't know my Mother sent questions to Purdence

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think it's exactly perfect advice.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Yep. Boys are just as bad, if not worse, than the little girl in the letter. My oldest son went through a time where it seemed that his hand was glued to his crotch, no matter where we were. We had to have several discussions of what was acceptable during private time, etc.

Boys! *shakes head* the minute the diaper is off, they're infatuated with it until they die.

 

[Elsie Grey]

It's normal. I have 3 in my current class alone that can be found in corners of the room humping at different times of the day. We just point out that it's something best done at home and offer another activity (a turn on the computer usually does the trick). I can't see what there is to worry about, I think the advice isd perfect!

Elsie

xxx

 

[TxRad]

Boys! *shakes head* the minute the diaper is off, they're infatuated with it until they die.

Uh, like your fingers don't go diving ever chance they get?????

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Um, wouldn't teacher say, "Ms. Prudence, do you have some of that for the whole class? If not, do it on your own time, please!"

Nothing wrong with teaching age-appropriate lessons about what is considered polite behavior in different settings. Naturally, as a Litizen I would be careful not to confuse the social manners lesson with any implication that the activity itself is per se "wrong" (a belief that if it became universal would put AH and Lit right out of business!)

 

[SlickTony]

I thought the advice was excellent.