Doesn't it scare you...

[Ms_Lilith]

when you see a submissive (generally a new one) just giving themselves to the first available, interested Dom/me?

I know that, in my path to learning, I have done such, and have definately learned the lessons, and in that light.. as a learning experience, I understand the value of such an action...

But when my friends, or even people I don't know, who have not yet even begun to learn about the lifestyle, decide that they are a submissive, and begin looking for dominants, rather than for information, for guidance, etc... it really scares me. I don't understand, having made what part of the journey I have, how one can give such trust to someone that they don't know. How one can simply expect the Dom/me to be the right fit before deep conversation, before an understanding of limits, but ESPECIALLY before self-exploration and self-understanding.

It's just something that crossed my mind today... I'd love to hear Y/your thoughts, A/all.

Thank Y/you.

 

[FungiUg]

Scares the willies out of me, to be honest! I hate seeing people hurt, and that sort of thing is a perfect recipe for hurt.

Sometimes though all you can do is be there to provide support when things fall apart -- because very few people can learn any other way.

 

[Shadowsdream]

O O...nope..doesn't scare Me..pisses Me off!
For several reasons which are perhaps tied up in how many messages I get from the uninformed or just plain horny..to be My slave.
...what CONCERNS Me....is...IF this woman/man is sincerely on the road to a new journey they could be holding themselves *back* from the potential of interraction and a possible relationship on some level, with a Dominant personality.
...running to someone or something that you do not know...is insulting to say the least and reeks of desperation. It does not make the searchee (argh) stand out in any special way.
...eyes looking through the fantasy of submission can take years of rejection and emotional pain before they see past the projection of the fantasy Dom/me who is also creating themselves as they type.
..no it does not scare Me...but it does pain Me emotionally when I recognize the seed of reality and the potential that could realize their heaven and magic simply by being a little more difficult to OWN as they open themselves to honesty and the thirst for knowledge about this amazing lifestyle.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I think a new sub should start out with some slow exploring, LONG before hooking up with a Dom...unless that Dom is me, in which case I approve completely.

 

[emer]

I know that, in my path to learning, I have done such, and have definately learned the lessons, and in that light.. as a learning experience, I understand the value of such an action...

It's just something that crossed my mind today... I'd love to hear Y/your thoughts, A/all.

Thank Y/you.

Amen Sister!!! Being asked too much and/or giving too much too soon is a recipe for disaster.

Shadowsdream, I think I remember your words to me on another thread. They made me realize that someone was expecting too much, wanted more than I was capable of giving, and validated my feelings of uncertainty.

emer ( slowing down ... thinking ... the magic will happen )

 

[FungiUg]

Sadly, patience is always the hardest lesson to learn.

 

[trainee_sub]

when you see a submissive (generally a new one) just giving themselves to the first available, interested Dom/me?

I know that, in my path to learning, I have done such, and have definately learned the lessons, and in that light.. as a learning experience, I understand the value of such an action...

But when my friends, or even people I don't know, who have not yet even begun to learn about the lifestyle, decide that they are a submissive, and begin looking for dominants, rather than for information, for guidance, etc... it really scares me. I don't understand, having made what part of the journey I have, how one can give such trust to someone that they don't know. How one can simply expect the Dom/me to be the right fit before deep conversation, before an understanding of limits, but ESPECIALLY before self-exploration and self-understanding.

It's just something that crossed my mind today... I'd love to hear Y/your thoughts, A/all.

Thank Y/you.

Speaking as someone who is very new to the life style " it scares me" there's so much to learn. There are some pretty strange people out their mention the word sub and you will hear some weird and wonderful things. I was lucky to meet a Dom who instead of giving me a straight answer sent me off to this board to learn and from asking lot's and lot's of questions the one thing I have learnt above all other's is trust and communication. Yes I wanted to rush out and try real life almost straight away (I admit it) but with sound advice I held back and after six months I'm still here mostly lurking always reading and learning. To any other new sub out there I'd say take your time ask questions and wait the right One for you will come along eventually then it will all have been worth while, and vixenshe I've read a lot of your post and found them very helpful thanks.

 

[Azalea]

I can well understand both the tendency to rush into such a relationship and the need for extreme caution, just based on my readings here.
Imagine what it feels like to find oneself deeply stirred, even sexually stimulated to an almost painful state, by the mere conversation of Doms as they discuss their thougths/feelings about submissives......with no hope whatsoever of ever being able to enter the service of a Master.

 

[Desdemona]

I can well understand both the tendency to rush into such a relationship and the need for extreme caution, just based on my readings here.
Imagine what it feels like to find oneself deeply stirred, even sexually stimulated to an almost painful state, by the mere conversation of Doms as they discuss their thougths/feelings about submissives......with no hope whatsoever of ever being able to enter the service of a Master.

Azalea, I was once in the position you describe. I wish I knew something that would take the edge off for you. I finally decided that I couldn't live without exploring my needs.

I truly understand the urge, the sub lust that can take over once you finally realise who you are. I had to learn the hard way, like so many others. I don't know how to help people overcome it. But I agree, it is kind of scary. I'm just grateful I came through to the other side without harm. I'm also grateful for the year and a half I've spent here at Lit; reading and learning from so many of you. I'm still learning and I guess I will be as long as I'm in the lifestyle.

 

[lektra]

I think a new sub should start out with some slow exploring, LONG before hooking up with a Dom...unless that Dom is me, in which case I approve completely.

LOL

 

[lektra]

I truly understand the urge, the sub lust that can take over once you finally realise who you are.

I think sub lust is a great way to put it Des. One I figured out who I was, it was impossible to ignore it.

I think that when you find someone who pushes all the right buttons in you as a submissive, the urge can be so strong, that it is possible forget a whole bunch of things about safety and about other aspests of your life.

 

[Desdemona]

I think sub lust is a great way to put it Des. One I figured out who I was, it was impossible to ignore it.

I think that when you find someone who pushes all the right buttons in you as a submissive, the urge can be so strong, that it is possible forget a whole bunch of things about safety and about other aspests of your life.

lektra you described my experience quite well. Nothing else mattered for a while. I think Shadowsdream is right... sublust is rife with desparation.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I stand by my early statement...*grins*...and more experienced subs are welcome as well!

 

[lektra]

I stand by my early statement...*grins*...and more experienced subs are welcome as well!

Equal opportunity, that's our johnny

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Well, I feel uniquely qualified to be a 'starter Dom' to a new sub. I know exactly what I want, but none of it is that complicated(sexual service, for teh most part)...and I'm really really emotionally supportive, almost to a fault. I'm a relative rookie, though, so at this moment I am not sure about permanently taking on a sub, of any experience level.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i'm not of the school that feels that a submissive should wait for the perfect Dominant before going out and exploring the lifestyle...i do however hate to hear of submissives becoming slaves to someone at the drop of the hat because of the need to be "in" the lifestyle, to feel whole, or whatever. go out there...learn...explore...play...just don't rush to become someone's property. learn as much as you can before taking that final step, if you ever take it at all.

when i first discovered i was submissive, i played casually with several Dominants...there were no commitments, no emotional connections, just them using me, me serving them. and those were valuable experiences for me because it showed me what i did and didn't want from a relationship...it helped me learn the kind of man i wanted to belong to...so when he came along, i was ready. i wasn't this totally naive clueless thing just taking his word for everything.

 

[Netzach]

I'm with ownedsubgal.

If you can't bring yourself to have casual sex, serve someone non-sexually then. Lend yourself out as a cook or a bootblack or a waitress or a volunteer or whatever. Get in touch with service as a concept. Actually I think that's good advice to novice Dominants, too. An experience of service teaches what service looks and feels like.

Learn about toys, if you want them to be part of your life. Don't take anyone's say-so as the final word on things, use your brain to read between the lines. You can wait for the right Dom, but there are so many ways to get involved in the life and so many experiences you can have if you are open to them. Casual play teaches some serious things and some valuable lessons, even the process of negotiation is valuable for someone who may wind up in a position of negotiating away the right to negotiate.

That's still a critical skill set, you are going to have to deal with people other than your Dominant no matter who you are.

 

[SierraMoon]

When i first started learning about BDSM, and especially D/s... (oh my, it's been a year since then, already!) i wanted to jump in with both feet, and just start learning by doing. i was friends with a Master, and luckily he took me under his wing and told me that i needed to research first, that there were so many safety issues... i mean you are literally putting your life in this person's hands (if you go for bondage and such). Once you are trussed up nicely, with gag and blindfold possibly, what are you going to do if they go too far? There isn't a thing you can do. You are helpless, and all because you rushed into something you hadn't thought about and researched...

Just my thoughts...

 

[lark sparrow]

It doesn't scare me, particularly not online. It seems to be part of the process. Some people never continue past online, and their limited knowledge doesn't seem to hamper their desire for fantasy, drama and connection. I kind of relate it to be a teenager again... people forget all their adult learnings about relationships in general and go into first timer fantasy mode.

It does alarm me when people jump from online to r/l experiences without basic BDSM, self and partner knowledge though. I think it gets far more dangerous and costly at that point.

 

[psiberzerker]

I don't know about the online caveat, there's plenty of damage a Dom/me can do to a new subject. Right out the gate, they tend to be enmotionally dependant, and sugestible, so someone who knows what they're doing(Or doesn't) can cause serious emotional damage.
Physical assault is not the only abuse perpetrated, or inflicted by so called Dom/mes who are either into it for that purpose, or underestimate the power of dicking with someone's sexuality. A lot of these guys have never subbed, and therefore have little respect for, or understanding of their wards.
Speaking from experience here (Back before IsuQ rolled over, and died), I've scene new bottoms dive on an available "master" then had to leave the whole thing because of the wreckage. I won't go into specifics, but we're talking about someone who was pseudocidal to begin with.
The problem is that you can't point to mental scars, and these rat bastards are equally hard to really see. They hide behind their handles, and the anonimity of the medium, and rarely get caught. At least the thatches that do it IRL leave a description, and basic geographic area to search. Online predators aren't even prosecutable, because there's no laws that cover emotional abuse across borders.

 

[Richard49]

I can well understand both the tendency to rush into such a relationship and the need for extreme caution, just based on my readings here.
Imagine what it feels like to find oneself deeply stirred, even sexually stimulated to an almost painful state, by the mere conversation of Doms as they discuss their thougths/feelings about submissives......with no hope whatsoever of ever being able to enter the service of a Master.

or me
a Dom
reading all this stuff
and knowing I will never have a collared sub again

 

[Ebonyfire]

The way I see it

is that the so called submissive who rushes to find anyone to serve, is approaching D/s with the same desperation that they may have pursued any intimate relationship.
In my opinion, the lack of patience shows a needy mentality looking for someone to take over his/her life.

I am not looking for a wounded bird.

 

[bunny bondage]

ok, this reminds me of a story. i had these little potpourri cakes scented like pumpkin pie. they were like candles, only they didn't burn - just gave off the scent. my best friend amber was at my house and another friend said something like "mmm...this smells so good! i just wanna take a bite out of it!" so what did amber do? she bit a great big chunk off. seconds later, as she was spitting the waxy substance into the trash can, i knew that it would have been useless to tell her "now amber, that's going to taste nasty regardless of how it smells." she just had to find out for herself. sometimes, you just have to get hit in the face with a baseball bat to know for certain that it hurts.

 

[ownedsubgal]

"I am not looking for a wounded bird."

but then that's exactly what some Dominants want...(i know it's what my Master wanted...*blush*)

 

[Ebonyfire]

"I am not looking for a wounded bird."

but then that's exactly what some Dominants want...(i know it's what my Master wanted...*blush*)

I take it he is a male. I have yet to meet a FemDom with male subs who wanted a wounded bird. Another difference. The Dommes I know (myself included) are only interested in strength. My boys may have issues, but being weak or wounded is not one of them.

You do not strike me as being weak or wounded ownedsubgal.