Does this feeling ever go away?

[carlieplum]

So about six months ago I "came out" to my partner that I was interested in being dominated. I sent him a series of emails (sometimes sitting in the same room) about what I would like to happen in our life, what I am interested in happening. (I'm topping from the bottom, right?)

Caveat: this is a long-term relationship, no one is going anywhere and we are not going to add any more partners to the mix.

So, he's been very good about it. Willing to try things. He's taken my initial suggestions and run with them--for example done and had me do some things I didn't ask for (which was AWESOME) and hasn't done some things I requested (maybe one day; I'm not bringing it up again). All in all, it's good.

So, to the main question. Because this is bringing something into a new pre-existing relationship (as opposed to forming a new bond based on a pre-existing interest), I keep asking, "Are you sure you don't think I'm a freak?" He keeps assuring me no, he likes it, he thinks what we are doing is hot.

And, as I said, he's brought his own ideas to the mix. I guess I'm just scared that I'm jeopardizing the most amazing relationship of my life. (I could never have admitted to anyone else that I want the things I want.) Like one day he's going to see me browsing pages of various gear and say, "That's it. You are disgusting."

I can live without what we do, but I don't want to imagine living without his love or approval.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Impressions?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm going out on a limb here, and suggesting that guys-- to speak generally-- don't think about things like women's dignity and such in quite the way that women do.

They don't have to, for one thing. Men have more skill--again a huge generalisation-- with compartmentalising things, so that the slut they play with at night can also be the wife they love and respect. This seems to be nearly impossible for women to understand-- speaking, once more, generally. And of course, men just don't have as much to lose in the marital respect arena, on average, being mostly bigger and stronger than their -- generally speaking-- spouses.

In other words, you probably can stop worrying about it.

You can find a lot of corroborating anecdotal evidence in the "fetish and sexuality" forum elsewhere in this site, where literally thousands of men wish that their wives would be more playful than they are.

Of course, men don't have the historic background of being chattel to men that women have, which to a hella sense of defensiveness on a woman's part if she lets it. But them what acts free-- is free. At least, in bed.

 

[Pelagie]

I agree with Stella. I think you should sit back and think you are incredibly lucky, good at communicating your needs, and how awesome it is your long time partner is so into it he's bringing forth his own ideas.

It seems you've finally done what the trolls always ask "How do I create a Dom out of my not-dom?" It seems so simple: Ask!

 

[HottieMama]

I know from personal experience that it is HARD to get past those things we were told were "dirty" or "wrong" or "freakish" or whatever... It's taken me half my life to get as comfortable as I am now, and there are STILL some fetishes that I love dearly but I am not particularly open about...so I have found my comfort level to be largely situational. You are blessed that your partner is willing to explore all of these things with you in a safe environment. Don't hesitate to talk to him and keep the lines of communication open. It has worked for you in the past and I am sure it will continue to work for you in the future.

 

[DVS]

I'm not sure about your partner, but if you had asked me to do kinky things to you, I would be excited. Of course, I'm already kinky, so that might be part of it. But, your partner might also be kinky and not really be aware of it.

Keep the lines of communication open with him. Talk about what you enjoy and make sure he knows you appreciate what he's doing. Ask him if he has any fantasies. All men do. You had trouble telling him your kinks. He might have trouble telling you his kinks, too.

The more you two can share, the more together you will feel with him. You have had a long time with him, and now you've introduced a new thing to share. You'll just have to create a new normal. All things take time and worry doesn't make it go any faster.

Oh, and I think a woman who is a kinky whore type in bed and a prim and proper, sweet smelling girl next door type during the day...that is damn sexy.

 

[eastern sun]

So about six months ago I "came out" to my partner that I was interested in being dominated. I sent him a series of emails (sometimes sitting in the same room) about what I would like to happen in our life, what I am interested in happening. (I'm topping from the bottom, right?)

Caveat: this is a long-term relationship, no one is going anywhere and we are not going to add any more partners to the mix.

So, he's been very good about it. Willing to try things. He's taken my initial suggestions and run with them--for example done and had me do some things I didn't ask for (which was AWESOME) and hasn't done some things I requested (maybe one day; I'm not bringing it up again). All in all, it's good.

So, to the main question. Because this is bringing something into a new pre-existing relationship (as opposed to forming a new bond based on a pre-existing interest), I keep asking, "Are you sure you don't think I'm a freak?" He keeps assuring me no, he likes it, he thinks what we are doing is hot.

And, as I said, he's brought his own ideas to the mix. I guess I'm just scared that I'm jeopardizing the most amazing relationship of my life. (I could never have admitted to anyone else that I want the things I want.) Like one day he's going to see me browsing pages of various gear and say, "That's it. You are disgusting."

I can live without what we do, but I don't want to imagine living without his love or approval.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Impressions?

Since he's telling you that he likes it and thinks it's hot, I would encourage you to accept that as true. And let go of your reservations.

I also would encourage you to let go of the need for his approval, and let him show you what he's interested in. He's heard what you like, and acted on it. Let go of your own agenda now, and start discovering where his kinks lead.

 

[FurryFury]

This! Great post! Eastern Sun!

I'll add this:

I've been down the same road somewhat. I felt guilty thinking I was pushing my husband and wearing him out with all the kinky sex. LOL

It lead me to stop initiating when I wanted sex and kinky stuff. This dried up the ideas that made our sex life more fun. Bad thing there. I'm trying to get back to it but finding it difficult to do so. Peri menopause probably plays a role in this for me too.

What I've discovered is that he LIKES me to take the lead! He likes me to find fun and different things to try.

Of course I want him to lead. After many years of my guilt leading me to letting him lead though I know he isn't going to. Sex isn't something he easily prioritizes. Daily life, the computer and sports will almost always take priority with him. We are both less happy with the sex frequency and kink both of which are mostly lacking.

We are now scheduling sex to get it in at all. Our lives and schedules are just that busy. *groan*

Buuuuut! Soon (August!) our last kid will leave the nest! I plan to get back on the right path for us and wear my husband's beautiful ass out at that point!

So let go of your worries when you can. Guilt and worry does us little good and much harm if we don't actually need to changer our behavior.

Believe what he says and does, when those things actually match up! It's healthier for all. Let go. Enjoy!

Since he's telling you that he likes it and thinks it's hot, I would encourage you to accept that as true. And let go of your reservations.

I also would encourage you to let go of the need for his approval, and let him show you what he's interested in. He's heard what you like, and acted on it. Let go of your own agenda now, and start discovering where his kinks lead.

 

[GobletHolly182]

Great thread topic. I am single, and actually worry more in the other direction: if I'm really interested in a guy, would bringing freaky sex up too soon make him THINK he likes me, while he's really just turned on by the idea of experimental fun?

Also, one of my favorite not-yet-realized fantasies is DP. Do guys in a relationship find that hot, or would it trigger jealous fears? Maybe I should just check that box while I'm single...

 

[Pelagie]

I would think doing DP would depend on the guy(s) involved. Some are turned on by it, others not so much.

As far as bringing up freaky sex stuff, I try to as upfront as possible if only avoid having bad sex. Life is too short to endure bad sex.

 

[satindesire]

The one thing I've noticed in people who think this way is that they're actually projecting their deep-down shame that they feel for themselves onto their partners.

Once you FULLY realize and respect the fact that it's okay to be kinky and submissive and slutty, then you'll stop worrying that he feels like that about you.

 

[eastern sun]

Sometimes I still feel uncomfortable with what I'm doing, and there's a real reason for it. But instead of identifying the actual cause (i.e. obsessive thinking, avoidance of some other problem, etc.), I think it's the "perverted" nature of what I'm doing that is the cause.

Like, if I was a more wholesome person, I wouldn't have these other behavioral problems (like addiction, social anxiety, procrastination, etc.)

I'm still acting on a bit of faith that it's possible to exercise my sexuality and sustain good health.

It's not that easy to untangle some of these psychological threads.

 

[subwannabe]

I find it amazing how many people out there are in relationships where at least one person is afraid of telling the other of their desires/fantasies out of fear that the other will think they are wierd (or worse). In some of those relationships both people would like to be more kinky but are afraid to tell the other. I guess it's kind of like two young people who would like to go out with the other but are afraid to talk to each other because the other might say no. Shame is probably another variable in us not wanting to tell the other what we really would like. Men, in particular, may be afraid to tell their woman that they would like to be fucked in the ass because, God forbid, the other might think they are gay. So, I'm trying to say congratulations for "coming out". I would also like to say that everything you describe looks to me like the two of you are doing just fine and you have absolutely nothing to worry about. It can be a natural reaction to think that "this is too good to be true". But, sometimes it is true anyway and in your case I think you have actually won the lottery. Congratulations!!!

 

[oneguy4fun]

Sometimes I still feel uncomfortable with what I'm doing, and there's a real reason for it. But instead of identifying the actual cause (i.e. obsessive thinking, avoidance of some other problem, etc.), I think it's the "perverted" nature of what I'm doing that is the cause.

Like, if I was a more wholesome person, I wouldn't have these other behavioral problems (like addiction, social anxiety, procrastination, etc.)

I'm still acting on a bit of faith that it's possible to exercise my sexuality and sustain good health.

It's not that easy to untangle some of these psychological threads.

The older you get, the more you discover that everybody...yes everybody, has some F'd up part of their life. Nobody is perfect and wholesome. I take comfort in that. In the end you are not much different than others.

 

[mike_always_horny]

Great thread topic. I am single, and actually worry more in the other direction: if I'm really interested in a guy, would bringing freaky sex up too soon make him THINK he likes me, while he's really just turned on by the idea of experimental fun?

Also, one of my favorite not-yet-realized fantasies is DP. Do guys in a relationship find that hot, or would it trigger jealous fears? Maybe I should just check that box while I'm single...

Worried about your guy getting jealous of the other man in a DP 3-way? Let him choose the hole he gets to enjoy That will make him feel special, hehe.

 

[GobletHolly182]

Worried about your guy getting jealous of the other man in a DP 3-way? Let him choose the hole he gets to enjoy That will make him feel special, hehe.

Ha! I'll let you know if that works out for me Thanks...

 

[Luna_Desire]

Thankyou!

I'm having the same problem, and reading this thread has really helped. Its only been the last couple of months that I've shown my submissive nature. I've known I was this way for a while, opening up to him was hard enough, but now we're moving on the right track
Although I'm the one currently telling him how to treat me, he's learning and it feels so fantastic when he properly takes the lead! I do feel embarrassed and like I'm a freak, but my guy assures me I'm not, so these feelings are starting to fade.

Remember there is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed of, he obviously loves you and is willing to learn.

Good luck!

 

[waaitg]

So, he's been very good about it. Willing to try things. He's taken my initial suggestions and run with them

...

So, to the main question. Because this is bringing something into a new pre-existing relationship (as opposed to forming a new bond based on a pre-existing interest), I keep asking, "Are you sure you don't think I'm a freak?" He keeps assuring me no, he likes it, he thinks what we are doing is hot.

And, as I said, he's brought his own ideas to the mix. I guess I'm just scared that I'm jeopardizing the most amazing relationship of my life.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Impressions?

I think you've answered your own question twice. Once he stopped following your suggestions and started incorporating his own, he went from being a passive to an active participant. Will it continue? Will he reach a limit? Will he surpass yours? Time will tell, but I would think you can stop worrying about his interest in kink.

My suggestion though is to keep the lines of communication open though because the easiest way to avoid a misunderstanding is to avoid assumptions because troubles tend to start when what is being said, is not what the other party is hearing.

All the best in your continued explorations.

W~

 

[kellyz_craic]

You're going to try things that don't work for you in practice. He'll probably try things that don't work for you while you're both feeling out these new kinks. All you really have to do now you've started talking is not to stop. Make sure he knows that you don't want him doing anything he doesn't also find hot. Make sure you keep giving him feedback so he knows what you like and what you don't.

But seriously, unless you sit there salivating over equestrian magazines or get a sudden urge to smear yourself in shit, he's unlikely to be phased. Modern men have access to porn and they usually go through a phase of watching the dodgiest shit out of boredom and curiosity. I reckon you'll have to try pretty hard to gross him out.