Does Love exist in BDSM?

[kerker_miester]

I was just wondering as someone who's wife of 20 years left me so she could play with as many Dom's as possible. After being my sub the last three of that 20. I Loved her with all I had just to be cast out for what I can only call lust. So if it is so easy for someone that claims to be in love with you can so quickly replace you without reguard to the years of loving you have given that person for the sake of better whippings and what not. Does Love really exist in a BDSM relationship? Just wondering

 

[Kajira Callista]

Love doesnt exist...period.

















but then im a wack-a-doo anyhow

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Love exists.

My partner and I are in a 24/7 relationship, though it is far FAR more vanilla than I'd like. There's a dynamic there, wherein I serve him, and he loves, cherishes, and protects me. We are best friends and lovers, and D/s.

As I said, our relationship is far more vanilla than I'd like. I have a deep kink streak in me, and I'm a masochist, while he is relatively unkinky, and not at all a sadist. And yet.. I'm still with him. I'm still faithful to him. I still honour the boundaries of our relationship, and am happy with what kink he feels inspired to indulge in.

Granted, I am given outlets, but none physical. I am allowed to play online and on the phone. I have found a Daddy online, who can offer me a different dynamic that my honey feels he cannot.. and he is supportive of that. But as far as in-person goes.. he is a monogamist, while I am polyamorous. I love and honour him enough that I remain faithful to him, and have put my polyamory on the shelf. *shrug*

I do it because I love him.

 

[kerker_miester]

Love exists.

My partner and I are in a 24/7 relationship, though it is far FAR more vanilla than I'd like. There's a dynamic there, wherein I serve him, and he loves, cherishes, and protects me. We are best friends and lovers, and D/s.

As I said, our relationship is far more vanilla than I'd like. I have a deep kink streak in me, and I'm a masochist, while he is relatively unkinky, and not at all a sadist. And yet.. I'm still with him. I'm still faithful to him. I still honour the boundaries of our relationship, and am happy with what kink he feels inspired to indulge in.

Granted, I am given outlets, but none physical. I am allowed to play online and on the phone. I have found a Daddy online, who can offer me a different dynamic that my honey feels he cannot.. and he is supportive of that. But as far as in-person goes.. he is a monogamist, while I am polyamorous. I love and honour him enough that I remain faithful to him, and have put my polyamory on the shelf. *shrug*

I do it because I love him.

Thank you for your comments, what you have described I thought I had guess I was wrong with that thought. Maybe one day I will find some sub that will love me and I will fulfill her and my need for kink. Till then Ya'll can call me the lonly Dom.

 

[Netzach]

Love exists, but it's not always enough.

I loved my vanilla ex. Not enough to be able to be something I just am not.

I love M, fiercely, intensely, obsessively, madly. And since he's compatible with me this is liable to actually work.

 

[pinkstarfish]

Of course love exists, she just wasn't the one.

 

[graceanne]

As Netzach said love exists it just takes more to make a relationship work. It takes compatability, honesty, and commitment.

 

[canadiancutie]

In my experience, no, but I'm a jaded 18 year old, what do I know

 

[Rrrosyn]

Yes..

I would rather have a vanilla relationship with complete open love, honesty and acceptance than the BDSM. I doubt it would stay totally vanilla or work out as such. Balance is hard even with a sub for my fiance. He is more into pain and I am more into frustration and denial. He likes to be bound tightly, I have to have a safe-guard because I am disabled. Were we to advertise for our opposite number to be in a BDSM relationship we would not have hooked with each other. For us, so much comes before the kink that it was a bonus.

I will have to say, when I am not in a BDSM relationship, I stop coming to places like this. They makes the yearnings and regret too much. I get all sorts of ideas I cannot try out, etc.

I am sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine your pain. I hope everyone in a good realtionship, as mine, is grateful for what they have. We may not feel it, but we are not in our partner's mind nor truly know their soul.

 

[Bandit58]

Oh yes it exists Master and I have been together for 19 months. We love each other very much, despite His health obstacles. He loves me enough to let me explore my bisexual side with other women. I don't need any other Man to satisfy me, He does a very good job of that Himself

We insist on honesty, trust and communication. Neither of us had that in our previous relationships. He is my first Dom and I'm discovering a side of myself that I didn't know how to express before in my "vanilla" life. I'd also like to say that we found each other here on Lit and neither of us was actively looking for someone other than a casual partner or two (Master), but as we got to know each other we realised that we were falling in love but neither of us mentioned that L word (we were afraid of being hurt again). However when we met face to face all that went out the window and we have now made a commitment to each other and are going to be married sometime next year (if Master's health permits)

 

[graceanne]

For us, so much comes before the kink that it was a bonus.

I love this. That's how me and K are. We both really like the BDSM but if it wasn't there we'd still love eachother, and we'd still remain together. And frankly it's a good thing that we feel that way, with the way I get sick so often.

 

[Rrrosyn]

I love this. That's how me and K are. We both really like the BDSM but if it wasn't there we'd still love eachother, and we'd still remain together. And frankly it's a good thing that we feel that way, with the way I get sick so often.

Aye. Same reasons here. The dispute between pain vs. frustration is nothing compared to everything else. Living with my mother for medical reasons (hers), him working 30-40 hours a week and going to college full-time, my disability and health ups and downs - it's a mess! Honeslty the BDSM takes vacations and we hardly notice. We just bring it back the next time the interest is there.

 

[Bandit58]

I love this. That's how me and K are. We both really like the BDSM but if it wasn't there we'd still love eachother, and we'd still remain together. And frankly it's a good thing that we feel that way, with the way I get sick so often.

I have to say that Master and I are the same - He does have so many bad days and has been ill 3 times since April with peritonitis, but makes no difference to the way I feel about Him. We click on so many other levels not just sexually. We cuddle and kiss and say "I love you" every day (is this in the Master's Handbook?? Too bad if it's not.... )

 

[Rrrosyn]

I have to say that Master and I are the same - He does have so many bad days and has been ill 3 times since April with peritonitis, but makes no difference to the way I feel about Him. We click on so many other levels not just sexually. We cuddle and kiss and say "I love you" every day (is this in the Master's Handbook?? Too bad if it's not.... )

It should be. Sometimes, tucking sub into bed, caring for his need to be touched and accepted is all I can handle.

But I think we're hijacking, so I am gonna shut up for a bit. Kerker Miester needs our support. Not a slap in the face that relationships work for other people.

Seriously, if she left for "as many Dom's as possible" then love may or may not be a part of BDSM for her. It doesn't sound like it. I find that sad. Love should be something treasured and to devalue Kerk's love like this, tossing aside the time he has put into caring for her, was a crime against him and all that love is.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes, it exists for those who are fortunate and those who can traverse the usual and unusual trials of a relationship. I am sorry you have had this bad experience and hope you can find a way to get your positiveness and hope back. Maybe it is not so much the BDSM as much as she may claim it as a reason for leaving, but maybe more a relationship issue that she has not confided to you about or acknowledged. Part of being a sub or Dom IMHO is being able to trust and be trusted, so if she has simply decided to go for more is beter without any discussion with you or talking beforehand, perhaps she will not find what she is seeking either. Hang in there, it can happen.

Catalina

 

[jasonlf]

I love this. That's how me and K are. We both really like the BDSM but if it wasn't there we'd still love eachother, and we'd still remain together. And frankly it's a good thing that we feel that way, with the way I get sick so often.

You know, I *really* want what you have.

One day I'm going to PM you and ask for the secret to getting it.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

For us, so much comes before the kink that it was a bonus.

*nod* I like this, too. honey and I were together a year and a half or so before I discovered my interest in BDSM. Let me tell you, that first discussion was a shocker for him. If we were to strip away the kink, we'd still adore each other.

 

[Netzach]

Aye. Same reasons here. The dispute between pain vs. frustration is nothing compared to everything else. Living with my mother for medical reasons (hers), him working 30-40 hours a week and going to college full-time, my disability and health ups and downs - it's a mess! Honeslty the BDSM takes vacations and we hardly notice. We just bring it back the next time the interest is there.

The scenes take a huge vacation, sometimes the will to assert my will takes a bit of a breather, but I think even if I stayed really sick the rest of my life I could not be in a relationship with someone who was incapable of thinking about it, who didn't long for it, who found it nasty. It's just too integral to who I am.

I *did* make sure I got my husband's number before I knew what he was into, even though we met at a munch where "so what are you into" is usually the first thing you say to someone.

(I saw, I liked, I pursued, and I got.)

 

[Red Sonja]

Dh and I were best friends first, then lovers, then transitioned into a more "formal" D/s relationship. I love that he enjoys hurting me... I'd be so depressed if he didn't... If he was doing it "for" me you know?

Definitely in love and blessed here. Hope the same is out there for everyone looking. Even if it takes you a pickaxe, a compass, and night googles to find it.

 

[kerker_miester]

Yes, it exists for those who are fortunate and those who can traverse the usual and unusual trials of a relationship. I am sorry you have had this bad experience and hope you can find a way to get your positiveness and hope back. Maybe it is not so much the BDSM as much as she may claim it as a reason for leaving, but maybe more a relationship issue that she has not confided to you about or acknowledged. Part of being a sub or Dom IMHO is being able to trust and be trusted, so if she has simply decided to go for more is beter without any discussion with you or talking beforehand, perhaps she will not find what she is seeking either. Hang in there, it can happen.

Catalina

first I would like to thank everyone for their input it has helped to have so many views including the no's *smile*. I feel I should say that my ex may have had other reasons for leaving than what I know but as she never told me any I have to go on what I did get. First I will say I am no saint I know this and I may be diffucult to live with but that goes both ways. The day she asked for the divorce she said to me "I do not love you anymore I want out of this relationship before I have an affair there is no other man at this time I just know it is a matter of time." Then I found out by accident two days later that a week before she told me she had asked an old boyfriend if she could get back in bed with him and also planned to go be the sub of a Dom she met here on lit. That is all the reason she ever gave me for why she wanted out and with what I learned I think even she would have to come to the same conclusion as I did. I know she lurks on lit from time to time so she will probly be pissed when she reads this. Uh well I guess I am supposed to be happy she left me.

 

[kerker_miester]

Dh and I were best friends first, then lovers, then transitioned into a more "formal" D/s relationship. I love that he enjoys hurting me... I'd be so depressed if he didn't... If he was doing it "for" me you know?

Definitely in love and blessed here. Hope the same is out there for everyone looking. Even if it takes you a pickaxe, a compass, and night googles to find it.

can I use you compass and other tool cause I am definitely LOOKING! for someone to get to know and have fun with. Hopefully to one day again fall in love. I do know that we need be friends first. ok add over lol

 

[blue kat]

Yes.

D (Technobarbarian) and mariposa.
Catalina and Francisco.
Miss Karen, Miss Holly and ghost.
Tealsphynx and dragon.
K and gracie.
Ciara's mum and dad.
Netz and M.
John Warren and his Libby.

It's not easy, and sometimes it isn't enough and sometimes it's too much. I have a friend whom I care deeply for but we weren't able able to bridge the gap between friends and bdsm lovers, though we are both into it. It was my fault, mostly. Having spent many hours holding her hand through some nasty shit and taking care of her when she was hurt, I was unable to Domme her in the sadistic way she needs. She is unable to deal with love that doesn't involve an element of pain, and I was unable to tear her apart after helping put her back together. Even her love for herself has a strong sadistic element in it.


I hope someday I can love someone as the people above do, but honestly, I don't think it's for me. It's very hard to believe so strongly in something and admit that it's unlikely it'll happen for you, but I can take comfort and maybe even a bit of pride in my honesty with myself. I won't be breaking my heart chasing after something that I don't think I'll ever possess.

Love inspires, but sometimes it just sucks.

 

[Netzach]

I was very resigned to the idea that I'd never be in a romantic partnership of this degree, I'd live alone, and I wasn't planning on pairing off again, because I felt it was so unlikely I'd find anyone who fit my criteria for what I'd need in terms of compatibility. I had a very tall order out there. I wasn't unhappy or bitter, just very sceptical and very into other kinds of relationships when I met M. I was even somewhat peeved when I found myself swept off my feet a bit, "damn, just when I was having fun with this single thing."

That's always been where I've been when I've found myself in a quality relationship soon after. I think it's a healthy place where we are more attractive without being concerned about such a thing.

Yes.

D (Technobarbarian) and mariposa.
Catalina and Francisco.
Miss Karen, Miss Holly and ghost.
Tealsphynx and dragon.
K and gracie.
Ciara's mum and dad.
Netz and M.
John Warren and his Libby.

It's not easy, and sometimes it isn't enough and sometimes it's too much. I have a friend whom I care deeply for but we weren't able able to bridge the gap between friends and bdsm lovers, though we are both into it. It was my fault, mostly. Having spent many hours holding her hand through some nasty shit and taking care of her when she was hurt, I was unable to Domme her in the sadistic way she needs. I hope someday I can love someone as the people above do, but honestly, I don't think it's for me. It's very hard to believe so strongly in something and admit that it's unlikely it'll happen for you, but I can take comfort and maybe even a bit of pride in my honesty with myself. I won't be breaking my heart chasing after something that I don't think I'll ever possess.

Love inspires, but sometimes it just sucks.

 

[Marquis]

I'm not sure if I believe love exists, but I think it depends largely on your interpretation of the word.

I think that many people see love as the cause of a good relationship, when really it is the reward. I am reminded of the song in Fiddler on the Roof when a man asks his wife of many years (from an arranged marriage):

"Do you looooooove me?"



Funny fact:

I saw Fiddler on the Roof in Kenya with an all African cast.

 

[Marquis]

"damn, just when I was having fun with this single thing."

I feel the same way.

Sometimes I feel absolutely trapped by the awesomeness of my partner.

That's always been where I've been when I've found myself in a quality relationship soon after. I think it's a healthy place where we are more attractive without being concerned about such a thing.

This might be good advice for another thread.