does loss ever get any easier

[mdavid_1964]

I would like to hear your comments/opinions on the following
questions from both a Dom, Domme, and Sub perspective.

How do you deal with the emotional stress when the union between
a Dom/Domme and their Sub has been such a special and wonderful
journey, but must end for reasons other than incompatability?

I've been Master to four submissives so far. Does it ever get any
easier to bear when the separation occurs, and if it does is
that a good thing?

Is letting go harder for Doms/Dommes/and subs than those in the
vanilla world?

From both a Dom, Domme, and sub perspective how do you cope with
feeling incomplete when there are months in-between owning someone
or being owned?

Here is a little background that hopefully explains where my
questions are coming from.

I was the Dom in an amazing 8 month online and r/l experience
with the most beautiful and wonderful of submissives. Her service
to me was extraordinary. Unfortunately my marital circumstances
limited our physical contact, and it was very unlikely that our
relationship could ever go 24/7 even though we both dreamed about
that possibility.

She was my fourth submissive in the last three years, and the one
who I was with the longest, and it was also the most intense,
pleasurable, and meaningful of my experiences in the D's world.

Four months ago she received a once in a lifetime job offer that
was too good to pass up. It meant that she had to relocate from
the east coast to west coast. Of course I was very proud of her and
happy for her since I knew that this new job was what she wanted in
in her professional life, and that it was going to make her very
happy and allow for her to attain professional growth. There is no
way that I could move and be with her physically. Too many people
I love in my life would be hurt in order for me to be completely
happy.

We tried to continue our relationship online and by phone but with
each passing week we both knew that the lack of physical contact was
causing us to drift apart. Once I had feasted on the fruit of her
loins, and her heavenly nectar, being able to see and not touch
on the web cam wasn't enough.

Three months ago we had one last earth shattering experience
together. The amount of pleasure she gave, and the depth of
emotions that were called forth was incredible. Without a doubt
it was the most intense and bittersweet experience of my life.
We both knew what had to be done so as we parted I held her in
my arms for at least a half an hour and whispered into her ear
all that she had meant to me, and then granted her a release
from her commitment to me.

Since then it has been like a long period of grieving and mourning
for me, very similar to what you feel when someone so very dear and
close passes from this world. The emotional trauma is much more
intense than it was with the first three subs which also ended
with good relations.

We still stay in touch and four weeks ago she told me that a new Dom
had entered her life, and she asked for my blessing before she gave
herself to him. Of course I told her how much she had meant to me,
how happy it had made me to care for her, how it pleased me greatly
to fill her with confidence, to watch her grow, and to know that
she had been thoroughly prepared by me for her new journey. I gave
her my full blessing, and wished her a lifetime of joyful servitude.
Her new Dom is going to be an incredibily fortunate Master.

Yes there is a deep sense of pride and satisfaction in knowing
that during my journey with her she grew tremendously under my
guidance, and she is now well prepared for the next journey with
another Dom, but it's also difficult to cope with because I wonder
whether there will ever be another sub for me who can provide
anywhere near the level of service and pleasure that she did.

Finally I thought that enough time had passed and it was possible to
move forward. Based on some of my posts here on Lit I was approached
by two subs who were seeking a new Dom. One was very experienced
and the other was very inexperienced, but both seemed sincere in
their desire to provide service and pleasure.

After more than a week of intense questioning and getting to know
each better it was clear that one was better suited to my needs
than the other, therefore I eliminated one from consideration,
and we parted with a mutual understanding that it was not a good
match.

I was very happy and excited about taking a new sub and giving
her all the benefits of my experience and watching her grow.
Then the one who had been selected to continue the journey with
me revealed the other day that she had a deep inner conflict
regarding our relationship, and was having very serious second
thoughts about her readiness to serve and ability to satisfy all my
desires.

It's been my experience that inner conflicts, if not resolved
quickly, will be like a cancer and continue to interfere with
the bond. After discussion we both decided it was best not to
continue our journey. She has such great potential and its a
shame that we could not form a meaningful bond. While upsetting
it's better to happen now then months into her service to me.

What makes it worse is that I thought she was the one who would
tend to me and help erase the ache and emptiness that I have
felt all these months. I know that she would have been able to
grow into the perfect other half and make me feel whole again.

I hate the feeling of emptiness that exists when I am not
being served by my sub. It is like an ache deep inside of me.
Like going without food or drink for a day or two. It's such
a powerful need that nags at me and never lets me rest or be
happy. I just do not feel complete.

I'm a realist and understand that every journey I take will
have a beginning and an end, but with each journey that ends
it becomes increasing difficult to start another. It's getting
harder and harder each time to find the right sub who is sincere
about the lifestyle and can provide exceptional service and make me
happy. I guess that I consciously or sub-consciously compare the new
to those who served before and that makes the selection process
harder for both of us.

Due to my marital situation I must split my time between the vanilla
and D's world. My wife wants no part of a D's relationship, and
despite many attempts to explain my needs she just doesn't understand
and thinks that something is wrong with me. Leaving her is not an
option for me. There is way too much history, love, and many family
and friends that would not accept my lifestyle change.

Some days I am tempted to cross back over to the vanilla world
and try to be satisfied with what I have there, but I also know
that if I do it will be like part of me has died. Giving myself
over totally to the D's world is also not an option. I envy those
of you who can live your whole life in the D's world. It would be
so amazing but as I mentioned above too many people that I love
would be hurt in order for me to have the total happiness I desire.

I know there is a great body of experience among our collective
D's family on Lit so I ask for your comments and advice on whether
what I'm feeling is different than others have experienced, or are
these feelings of being torn between two worlds, and mourning the
loss of a sub/Dom/Domme indications that I don't belong in this
world.

Thank you for your time and your opinions.

David

 

[jadefirefly]

No. Loss never gets easier.

As not-fun as losing someone is, though, if it ever does get any easier for me, I'll be worried. It should never be easy to lose someone who means that much to you (a relative 'you', not a you-you).

Sometimes I find it easier to just not connect and therefore not lose, but that's just me being a bitter bitch. In terms of actual advice, I'd just ignore this paragraph.

 

[SirFace]

I'm not real sure how to say this and it won't make it any easier, but I have found out very recently that following my true feelings is the only path I can take anymore. And yes, I felt the same way as you for too many years, too many wasted years, unable to cause all the pain and heartbreak that ending a marriage can cause.

I wont lose what I have now for anything in the world and I am glad that I finally found the strength and understanding of my own needs to get it done. Its a tough decision but even as much of a hardcore responsibility nut that I am, I eventually found that my happiness has to come first, because I wont be making anyone else happy if I dont.

Good luck.

 

[GeekySub]

I'm sorry, but I just really have no sympathy for people who play outside their marriage.

Does your wife know that you cheat on her?

Perhaps this is bad karma coming back to you.

Try being a decent and loyal human being and perhaps you'll stop losing people you love.

BDSM is about trust first and foremost. A man who'll cheat on his wife is not a man to be trusted.

My advice: Grow a set of balls and be a man. Either be a loyal husband or be true to yourself and end the marriage.

 

[JupitersGirl]

I'm sorry, but I just really have no sympathy for people who play outside their marriage.

Does your wife know that you cheat on her?

Perhaps this is bad karma coming back to you.

Try being a decent and loyal human being and perhaps you'll stop losing people you love.

BDSM is about trust first and foremost. A man who'll cheat on his wife is not a man to be trusted.

My advice: Grow a set of balls and be a man. Either be a loyal husband or be true to yourself and end the marriage.

If his wife knows, then he isn't cheating.

Personally, I find it amazing that such harsh judgements are made by those in a community that is often shunned by others. You'd think we would have more understanding, especially when we know we don't have all the facts and have not walked in the same shoes.

 

[GeekySub]

He never said his wife knows he's playing with other people.

I do judge people very harshly for dishonesty...I feel it has no place in the lifestyle.

If his wife knows he's playing with other girls,then it is fine, but I got the impression that she was not aware of his extracurricular activities.

I'm a very, very honest person and I feel that liars and cheaters are the scum of the earth.

Being involved in BDSM doesn't change that.

 

[catalina_francisco]

SirFace speaks wise words. You need to make a decision and do something about it otherwise you are going to continue to try and walk on both sides of the fence at the same time and experience the confusion and frustration that brings. The things which bother me the most are you talk of how deep and meaningful these relationships are for you, and yet you enter each one with the intent of it ending at some point...and your preoccupation with how heartbreaking this al is for you witout barely a mention of how it might be for those you have been involved with.

It may sound harsh, but I don't think you can give your all to anyone openly and honestly while you are trying to do the same, or at least remain with someoone else out of some sense of duty. Believe me, from a wman's POV you are not doing either women a favour, only yourself. It is possible to make a decision to not go through this break up over and over thing by making a decision and giving your attention to that. Is one of the reasons I chose to look for a life partner in this lifestyle, not work my way through a series of relationships which left me empty and jaded. Workout what you want and go for that, not all options.

Catalina

 

[O'Mac]

Yeah, there was someone I loved very deeply a while ago. We had a bit of an odd relationship and there were always the ups and downs. There was even talk of marriage further down the line, but after a while things weren't working. We just had to end it for logistical reasons. For the first week I was pretty much devastated, even though I knew it was probably for the best. Then there was a bit of a period of resentment and a bit of anger. Now though, I have someone else in my life who makes me very happy.

I DO think that time and some good supportive friends will mend a broken heart.

 

[Netzach]

SirFace speaks wise words. You need to make a decision and do something about it otherwise you are going to continue to try and walk on both sides of the fence at the same time and experience the confusion and frustration that brings.

No one ever reached that conclusion because of anything someone else said to them. I can say that from experience. You may, after a lot of upheaval and pain caused to others, realize that the person who told you that was probably right in retrospect. It doesn't give you the buoyant feeling of "at least I wasn't an asshole" because nobody I know gets to avoid that feeling completely in life with no large doses of denial.

 

[callinectes]

No one ever reached that conclusion because of anything someone else said to them. I can say that from experience. You may, after a lot of upheaval and pain caused to others, realize that the person who told you that was probably right in retrospect. It doesn't give you the buoyant feeling of "at least I wasn't an asshole" because nobody I know gets to avoid that feeling completely in life with no large doses of denial.

Man O man, you said a mouthful there. I have stood in the middle and known which path was the right one for *me*. But the thought of hurting people that I loved kept me from following it. Oh hell yes, I regret not having followed my heart. But at the time the lesser of the evils was to hurt as few people as possible. Hindsight is 20/20, but it can be a bitch to look back with that perfect vision.


David, I understand exactly what you are going through and you have my sympathy..with no judgement attached.

 

[MechaBlade]

It's hard enough to make vanilla relationships. I can't imagine having to break up from an awesome D/s relationship.

 

[SirFace]

Man O man, you said a mouthful there. I have stood in the middle and known which path was the right one for *me*. But the thought of hurting people that I loved kept me from following it. Oh hell yes, I regret not having followed my heart. But at the time the lesser of the evils was to hurt as few people as possible. Hindsight is 20/20, but it can be a bitch to look back with that perfect vision.


David, I understand exactly what you are going through and you have my sympathy..with no judgement attached.

Yup, exactly.

The only regret I have is that it took me so long to do it. But, with more hindsite, I might not have found how much I love the one I am with now. (wow, that is a screwed up sentence but I think you know what I mean).

 

[mdavid_1964]

Your Thoughts Are Appreciated

To those who read my post and replied with judgment and scorn your opinion is appreciated. I hope you are always able to live throughout your life to the idealistic standards you set for others. Life is complicated, there are many things left out of my original post, but I see no need to defend myself. If my moral compass has failed me, and my actions were violations of trust, honor, and love then I will be judged and punished by a higher court than your opinion.

To those who read the post and understood the inner conflict within me, the pain of loss that I feel, and offered encouragement and support I thank you very much. Those of you who have made this most difficult of life choices have my deep respect for having the courage to make a decision and follow your dreams. To those still caught in the whirlpool of emotion and doubt and have not been able to make a decision you have my understanding.

To those who read my post and were not able to wade through everything and understand my thoughts I will try to give a shorter and clearer description. I know there must be others out there faced with the same choice and agony that I and others have faced.

I married at age 19 and have been married to the same woman for more than 30 years now. Before my D's relationships I knew nothing about the heartbreak of adult relationships.

I've given enough of a description about the pain of separation from my last relationship. The first three were all online, and all with married women who wanted or needed to have more than they could find in there marriages. Some of it was curiousity about the D's life and the emotional and physical elements that are different from a plain vanilla relationship.

All of them were able to safely spread their wings and learn the joy of just letting go and giving themselves to me in ways they could not give themselves to their husbands. It seems that the longer a marriage progresses the harder it is for most wives to totally give themselves over to their husbands. Maybe it's always been this way, or maybe it's a mirror on the changes between men and women in today's society.

Anyway all the them were very happy with my care, my attention, my kindness, and my interest in seeing them understand the way a D's relationship can set them free and allow them to be touched in ways they have never been touched before. With my help one of them eventually helped her husband understand her need for something different. The other two became so caught up in the experience that it started to have a big negative impact. Of course I talked with them for hours and hours. They knew everything about my marital situation, and understood why I was doing what I was doing. All three of the online relationships ended with both me and my
submissive so very happy for the time and attention we had shared with each other. Everyone was sad that it had to end, but each of us took away precious memories of our time together. I did not break it off with any of them. I counseled them often and recognized the warning signs of getting in too deep and helped them cope with the need to end our journeys.

With each journey I begin with my submissive its always my heartfelt desire that it last for as long as I live, but it never does that's why I said about every journey having a beginning and an end. It's life, it happens, and it hurts alot.

I opened the discussion to both Doms/Dommes/ and subs to get a perspective on their sense of loss when a D's relationship ends. It was never intended to only be from the viewpoint of a Dom.

It's this sense of loss over and over again that breaks my heart and my spirit. At my age the road behind me is much longer than the road ahead of me. If I retreat to the plain vanilla world I know exactly what my life will be like, and if I follow my dreams and they lead to short but very meaningful relationships that end in pain then it seems like it would be a bad decision.

Either way a decision must be made soon, and I do appreciate your comments and opinions. While only I can make the decision that is best for me they do provide help and comfort in just knowing that others have ventured the same path and found true happiness.

Thanks again for taking the time to read the post, not be judgmental, and offer words of wisdom that were gained through much pain and suffering.

David

 

[JMohegan]

I was the Dom in an amazing 8 month online and r/l experience with
the most beautiful and wonderful of submissives. Her service
to me was extraordinary. Unfortunately my marital circumstances
limited our physical contact, and it was very unlikely that our
relationship could ever go 24/7 even though we both dreamed about
that possibility.

She was my fourth submissive in the last three years, and the one
who I was with the longest, and it was also the most intense,
pleasurable, and meaningful of my experiences in the D's world......

Since then it has been like a long period of grieving and mourning
for me, very similar to what you feel when someone so very dear and
close passes from this world.

My honest answer to the query in the thread title is that, for you, I do not think the losses will ever get easier. Quite frankly, I do not think you are mourning individual people so much as a marriage that does not suit your current needs.

Four D/s relationships in three years, the most "amazing" of which lasted eight months and consisted of webcam & a few surreptitious physical encounters. Is that right?

I do not doubt that the experiences were incredible in terms of getting your dominant rocks off, but in many ways you are making an unfair comparison here.

Your submissives never had to do the dishes, never had to watch you barf in the john when you had the flu, never had to help you balance the family budget, etc., etc., etc.

They also never had to test their submission beyond the pre-arranged web times and occasional thrilling moments of secret eroticism in a covert place.

Bottom line is, I don't think you are grieving for people or the loss of realistic relationships so much as bemoaning a marriage that you currently find unsatisfying.

I regret not being able to offer more encouragement, but my honest answer is - no. I do not think your losses will get any easier unless you do something to change the real source of your grief.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Smart man.

 

[CutieMouse]

JM you said it much better than I could have.

 

[GeekySub]

JM said it much politer than I did, but I totally agree.

As long as you are involved in a marriage you find unfulfilling, these sort of things are going to happen.

 

[FurryFury]

Loss of any kind never gets any easier until fully felt and dealt with each and every time it occurs.

In any event dealing with loss takes time, a lot of time. In some areas it may make doing certain things no longer worthwhile because of your being embedded with pain and loss that are still within, that haven't been dealt with and also new loss and pain that can be anticipated. Leaving yourself open in spite of all that to the good that might come is nothing short of miraculously human IMO.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's this sense of loss over and over again that breaks my heart and my spirit. At my age the road behind me is much longer than the road ahead of me. If I retreat to the plain vanilla world I know exactly what my life will be like, and if I follow my dreams and they lead to short but very meaningful relationships that end in pain then it seems like it would be a bad decision.


David

I have had an online relationship which was what lead me to where I am now, but as deep and emotional as it was, it can never compare to a RL face to face D/s relationship for so many reasons most do not understand until they take the plunge themselves. It sounds very much like you want an airtight guarantee if you leave your marriage you will have all you hope for without any negative outcomes. No-one can give you that but I will say from experience, until you are at a point where you feel the risk is worth taking over where you are now, and accepting you may not find exactly what you dream of, you are probably not going to give your possible new future as much energy, honesty and strength as it requires to succeed. Many say what they want, few are committed to making it happen. If you reach that point you will not mourn the past, nor will you fear and doubt the future.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

life is also a series of relationships of varying duration and quality that end, usually painfully.

Beats playing solitaire every night.

 

[GeekySub]

Netzach, that's brilliant!

That should be in somebody's sig for sure.

 

[BeachGurl2]

It's this sense of loss over and over again that breaks my heart and my spirit. At my age the road behind me is much longer than the road ahead of me. If I retreat to the plain vanilla world I know exactly what my life will be like, and if I follow my dreams and they lead to short but very meaningful relationships that end in pain then it seems like it would be a bad decision.

You know, this made me think of the movie Steel Magnolias when Julia Roberts is telling Sally Field "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". I just got out of a relationship that I thought was going somewhere - in fact, I still have no idea what happened to end it, as far as I know, he just woke up one day and decided he didn't want me anymore. And as sad as I am over that loss, I would not take it back for anything. Because while it was happening, I was the happiest I think I've ever been in my life. And just because the loss has temporarily devastated me, I wouldn't wish it away in a second.

Everything in life carries risk with it. The question is, are you willing to take that risk or would you rather live with constantly wondering what would have happened? Am I advocating leaving your wife? Absolutely not. Only you can decide that, no one else can decide it for you. The issue for me would boil down to a quote I used to have in my sig line on another board - "As soon as you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for."