Does it take longer for a dominant or a submissive to realize their full potential?

[Mr Blonde]

D/s is not something you can practice by yourself. No matter how imaginative or willing you might be, one still needs a partner to experience BDSM. Each group has to overcome certain issues to embrace their role. Moving between theory/practice or fantasy/reality is not an instant process. And obviously some people are more innately skilled at their dominance or submission than others.

So generally speaking, does it take submissives or dominants more time to realize their potential?

 

[Mr Blonde]

I am going to guess it takes longer for submissives to become fairly comfortable in their role. A submissive could learn a great deal from just a couple of great dom/mes, but if they are unfortunate enough to have mediocre dom/mes it might take a real long time to get useful experience. On the other hand, I think it is possible for dom/mes to learn helpful things even if they have mediocre submissive partners.

(This is sort of like a chicken and egg question!)

 

[Desdemona]

I don't know the answer to this one. I doubt I have even approached reaching my potential. I might be a slow learner.

 

[MissTaken]

This just begs the question:

Do Dominants and submissives ever truly reach their full potential or is there always room to grow?

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, I mean if I reach my full potential what's there to do but dine on cheez its and watch Will and Grace?

I'm only as good as my sub, too. Boring sub=boring scene.

 

[Wizard]

This just begs the question:

Do Dominants and submissives ever truly reach their full potential or is there always room to grow?

I belive you never reach your full potential. We are forever learning more about ourself and how to take things to a higher level.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am going to go out on a limb and assume perhaps Mr. B meant more feeling comfortable than reaching full potential so to speak. For me, I think it is not able to be defined by dominant or submissive roles, but more so is reliant on the individual, and the path they take. To some it is going to seem natural, and they are going to have the set of circumstances to build favourably on that.

Others, though feeling natural, may encounter obstacles from various sources which slow their feeling of being comfortable in their new skin. While still other people may want their new role with all their heart, but still have the inner voice questioning the wisdom or rightness of their choice, thus keeping them on a see saw of emotion. I think for everyone it is a different journey with it's own set of good and bad moments.

Catalina

 

[BrightFlower]

I feel we are growing together. I am sure we will never reach our full potential, and even go so far as to hope we don't, I like to think there will always be more to accomplish. We travel that path together.

 

[Quint]

Either I had some serious advantages from extensively reading up on the subject, or T was a slower developer than me. I was comfortable being a submissive far sooner than he was comfortable being a dominant, especially with regards to the sadism aspect of it.

But the more I think about it recently, the more I see that I was initially eager to be his submissive because of the protector/motivator/teacher role it put him into. Using him, essentially. His reasons for dominating me have always been honest enjoyment; mine have been shadowed by the fact that I really was not (probably still am not) comfortable being self-reliant. So maybe I'm the slower grower after all. But as I'm realizing that, I'm actually getting into that "potential" stuff. Eventually.

 

[Caitlynne]

I am going to go out on a limb and assume perhaps Mr. B meant more feeling comfortable than reaching full potential so to speak. For me, I think it is not able to be defined by dominant or submissive roles, but more so is reliant on the individual, and the path they take. To some it is going to seem natural, and they are going to have the set of circumstances to build favourably on that.

Others, though feeling natural, may encounter obstacles from various sources which slow their feeling of being comfortable in their new skin. While still other people may want their new role with all their heart, but still have the inner voice questioning the wisdom or rightness of their choice, thus keeping them on a see saw of emotion. I think for everyone it is a different journey with it's own set of good and bad moments.

Catalina

I agree 100% with this. I think it is not the role itself, but the individual. Each of us has a pace; a manner in which we process experiences.. these, more that the D/s roles themselves would be the factor .. I would think.

~ Cait

 

[Mr Blonde]

What I meant by realizing potential was achieving whatever level of skill, comfort, understanding or insight someone has for their role. I just bumped the old poll that showed the average age for first experience of people in this forum was early 20's. It is tough to say whether a 21 year old is a good or bad dominant, but by the age of 31 or 36 this dom/me has probably attained whatever level of competence that they can ever realize. An average 31 year old dom/me will become an average 51 year old dom/me; how can they magically become a great dom/me at a later age? Of course people never stop learning, but in the big scheme it is just incremental development towards an asymptote.

Thanks to everyone for the early responses.

I acknowledge that we can all learn "something" in every relationship; and that both partners learn something from each other. I also agree that the rate of development depends on the person but again no one can learn how to interact with others in a vacuum. Some relationships are more conducive to growth than others, but let's assume a normal person who has relationships of varying quality over time.

In these circumstances, does it favor the sub or dom/me for having a speedier rate of development? I have tentatively observed in this forum (by a tally of threads) that submissives seem to have more reflection or introspection about their past relationships. Why? We have to account for the fact submissives outnumber dom/dommes 2-1 at Literotica and also the possibility that submissives might be more comfortable voicing their issues. These are just the thoughts on my mind.

 

[Netzach]

Submissive development is, by nature, interior and internal. It's a process of introspection, of measuring onself against oneself. This is true even on a technical level, let's say the submissive is trying to develop range or scope as a masochistic bottom, that's still a very internal process.

Dominant development happens in the internal sphere, but also in a more public, social one. It's dependent on building confidence, something that most people in this damage-prone society are lacking, and unlike with the submissive, there's not someone standing by to assist that process. It's dependent on a sense of independence, something that can occur in one's teens but often doesn't really occur for some of us till our midlife.

Most femsubs I meet see their submission as refined when it's total and complete with a single Dominant, when they are ideal for that ideal match. Many msubs I meet might view their submission as refined when they are suited to serve the broadest possible segment of Womankind or the most demanding segment of the Leatherman community, a more all purpose sense of "I am *a* good slave." not only "I am a good slave to Master XYZ."

Personally, I pride myself more on my development and skill as a Top than as a Dominant. I'm not really going to be "more" Dominant than I am. What I can do and learn to do is refine my skill set as a Top and refine my sense of confidence, management and forward momentum as an individual so that I am better equipped to own a slave or maintain a submissive. That's not going to really gel for me, I imagine for at least another 5 years (I'm turning 30) However, for someone in the scene for seven years, I think I'm progressing at a nice quick healthy clip, and I pride myself on the ability to have a scene with a very broad range of bottoms/subs and have it be a satisfying experience for all involved.

I don't know if one can compare rates, or come up with averages, but I think that the criteria for reaching potential differ.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I had this question in mind and I know everyone understood....it is just something that cannot be answered as asked. Which really answers my question for me anyway!