Does BDSM make you lonely?

[Foxyrox]

The question I'm asking is whether being into BDSM puts you into a niche market and therefore harder in finding others who are into this scene?

Even if you find someone into BDSM, will they fit into your idea of what it means to you?

I realise you can have these kinds of issues in vanilla relationships, but I wonder if wanting a BDSM relationship restricts you and therefore creates a sense of loneliness? Maybe I'm not articulating this very well.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

[Primalex]

The question I'm asking is whether being into BDSM puts you into a niche market and therefore harder in finding others who are into this scene?

The "BDSM niche market" is for 99% of my life completely irrelevant. If she loves to be overpowered, made helpless and fucked till her cunt and ass is sore, then why would I care if she knows what BDSM is?

 

[LWulf]

While any good relationship is based on both people exploring their sexuality, my own fixation and obsession towards sadism and women with masochistic tendencies tends to make me more on the lonelier side of the relationship spectrum, so, yes.

I'm also excessively picky so I was probably destined to die a bachelor from the get go.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The "BDSM niche market" is for 99% of my life completely irrelevant. If she loves to be overpowered, made helpless and fucked till her cunt and ass is sore, then why would I care if she knows what BDSM is?

This.

I had been sexually active fore a long time before I even heard about BDSM the way it's talked about now.
Didn't usually even take much talking to get to " Oh, so you like it a bit rough, right?"

I guess it depends a lot on your kinks and how flexible you are about what you want/need, but I don't think it has to be more of a problem than vanilla.

 

[Foxyrox]

I agree with your comments about using the term 'BDSM'. I also knew what I wanted before knowing what it meant. How can I describe what I m talking about without using that term to describe it?

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't know that I'm lonelier, or that I'm lonelier because of BDSM; I do recognize that the more aware I am of my wants and needs in a relationship, the tighter the selection pool may become (depending on my insistence re: what wants & needs are "must haves").

I agree with your comments about using the term 'BDSM'. I also knew what I wanted before knowing what it meant. How can I describe what I m talking about without using that term to describe it?

You create your own phrases that convey what you're looking for. I have always used more conventional means of finding partners (non-kink dating sites/ etc), because although power dynamics in relationships are important to me, there's a lot more to a relationship than ticking off all the boxes on a kinky checklist.

Example -

On the rare occasions I've intentionally put up personals ads, I've made a point to mention that I tend to be happier in relationships where both parties recognize that I am not the one running things. I answered the ad of someone once (we ended up lovers for several years), because he made mention of being a bit like his dog - dominant, but friendly. lol Basically, you figure out what best describes you, and how to be aware of what might describe what you're seeking.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't feel a need for my entire life to revolve around BDSM and thank goodness since I don't have the idea situation for it.

I agree with 99% of life has nothing whatsoever to do with our sexuality. Okay maybe 85%. LOL

But I am an introvert. Being alone is all too rare and something I crave. That being said, I am married and have now "adult" children. I wish they'd go fly as adults but that's another story.

Generally if I have a BOB, a brain, a book, a cat, some lip gloss and water I'm never lonely.

 

[dora_salonica]

The question I'm asking is whether being into BDSM puts you into a niche market and therefore harder in finding others who are into this scene?

Even if you find someone into BDSM, will they fit into your idea of what it means to you?

I realise you can have these kinds of issues in vanilla relationships, but I wonder if wanting a BDSM relationship restricts you and therefore creates a sense of loneliness? Maybe I'm not articulating this very well.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

In the beginning, entering the world of BDSM led to my losing some friends and later on to my abstaining from vanilla relationships and vanilla activities (are there vanilla activities? Oh yes, going to a bar to pick up good-looking men. There is one road to pleasure blocked for ever, lol...)

It is true that my life had to change completely so that I could delve into BDSM more effectively, but it improved if anything. I have more friends now than ever before, I enjoy quality relationships that go much deeper than before and I also socialize more, though only within BDSM circles.

And I think that it is possible - though not very easy - to find like-minded people who share your ideas about BDSM and what it is all about. Statistically speaking, in my experience, I would say that in every 100 people you meet, about 10 will be worth the while...

 

[Primalex]

(are there vanilla activities? Oh yes, going to a bar to pick up good-looking men. There is one road to pleasure blocked for ever, lol...)

Well, if it's the bar I frequent, it wouldn't be a vanilla pickup for sure.

 

[moonbeam17]

The question I'm asking is whether being into BDSM puts you into a niche market and therefore harder in finding others who are into this scene?

Even if you find someone into BDSM, will they fit into your idea of what it means to you?

I realise you can have these kinds of issues in vanilla relationships, but I wonder if wanting a BDSM relationship restricts you and therefore creates a sense of loneliness? Maybe I'm not articulating this very well.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

I would compare it to adopting a new religion in that it helps to reinforce your sense of self / identity. People who knew you might not understand or condone and they might also not care, but it doesn't mean that as you become more attuned to your own personal needs / desires, your world shrinks. What has happened with myself as has with others, is that you make new friends who share some of your interests. You make new connections and your world grows again.

As for dating, some still continue with the vanilla approach and hope to find someone receptive to what you enjoy. Personally, I prefer to have a disclosure up front to both save time and needless heartache. That disclosure doesn't mean I'm ticking off boxes for some arbitrary compatibility list, but mostly to see if there might be any glaring conflicts. A Domme and a Dom in a relationship would probably butt heads a bit too often to find the relationship rewarding or worthwhile. Honest communication is absolutely invaluable.

It really makes you no lonelier than being in the vanilla dating pool. You'll feel lonely wherever you go until you find a way to be comfortable in your skin and not in a rush to get a partner. (Inc cliché) Be yourself and you'll be happy, even if you might not have anyone to share that happiness with right away; it'll happen eventually.

 

[dora_salonica]

Well, if it's the bar I frequent, it wouldn't be a vanilla pickup for sure.

Point taken!

But most bars in my hometown are vanilla bars...

Besides, I have the feeling that a sub's needs are not that easily met... Picking up men was a sport and in those days it seemed that sexual relationships could be selected based on good looks.

Not so in the BDSM world... I have discovered that good looks do not have much to do with it. In fact, most good looking men usually hide the terrible secret that looms above me like a nightmare: they want to be in my shoes - literally!!!

 

[dora_salonica]

Be yourself and you'll be happy, even if you might not have anyone to share that happiness with right away; it'll happen eventually.

I agree! It takes a little patience...

 

[IrisAlthea]

I would compare it to adopting a new religion in that it helps to reinforce your sense of self / identity. People who knew you might not understand or condone and they might also not care, but it doesn't mean that as you become more attuned to your own personal needs / desires, your world shrinks. What has happened with myself as has with others, is that you make new friends who share some of your interests. You make new connections and your world grows again.

As for dating, some still continue with the vanilla approach and hope to find someone receptive to what you enjoy. Personally, I prefer to have a disclosure up front to both save time and needless heartache. That disclosure doesn't mean I'm ticking off boxes for some arbitrary compatibility list, but mostly to see if there might be any glaring conflicts. A Domme and a Dom in a relationship would probably butt heads a bit too often to find the relationship rewarding or worthwhile. Honest communication is absolutely invaluable.

It really makes you no lonelier than being in the vanilla dating pool. You'll feel lonely wherever you go until you find a way to be comfortable in your skin and not in a rush to get a partner. (Inc cliché) Be yourself and you'll be happy, even if you might not have anyone to share that happiness with right away; it'll happen eventually.

I'm sure it can be like that but for others it's just going to be a "Cool, so there is a name for it now!"

Also, not everyone into BDSM is either D or s.
See for example Stellas essay:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

Point is, the so called vanilla pool contains other that have yet to realise that there might be a name for what they like.